Welcome to Heaven (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Welcome to Heaven". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[The episode begins with Vaggie and Charlie in their room. Charlie is packing clothes into a suitcase while Vaggie sits on the bed, looking troubled.]''

Charlie: Ok, I have my warm weather clothes and my cold weather clothes. I have a light jacket, flak jacket and rain jacket- wait, does it rain in heaven?

Vaggie: Charlie, you're only going to heaven for a few hours.

[Charlie stands up and paces a bit.]

Charlie: Vaggie, we are only going to heaven for a day. And I just want to be prepared! It's our last chance to convince heaven a soul can be redeemed.

Vaggie: Yeah, I wish I could come, sweetie, but I have that…thing.

Charlie: What thing?

Vaggie: The thing with the.. thing uhm.. fuck, gah, I'm such a bad liar.

[Charlie takes Vaggie's hand.]

Charlie: Vaggie, you're my partner, I need you there with me.

Vaggie: *sighs* Fine.

Charlie: Yes!

''[Charlie hugs and kisses Vaggie's cheek. The scene then changes to the main hotel room, as Angel Dust stumbles into the room.]''

Angel Dust: Oh, fuck.

[ Niffty pokes her head out of a plant pot.]

Niffty: You look messy! What happened to you?

Angel Dust: It's who happened to me, and the answer is everyone! Twice. Val had me working 16 hours straight on a fucking whim. The absolute dickbag. UGH!

[Wall explodes]

Angel Dust: Argh! What the fuck is with that wall?!

[An outline in the now-destroyed wall can be seen.}

Cherri Bomb: What up hoes? *laughs*

Angel Dust: Holy shit! Cherri Bomb? Long time no see, baby!

[Cherri jumps into the room.]

Cherri Bomb: Angie, ya bitch! You been texting me depressin' shit all day! Figured we could tear shit up like old times. It's been fucking forever!

[Cherri gives the bomb to Charlie.]

Cherri Bomb: Here, hold this.

Charlie: Ah! Oh my god! Oh my god!

[Charlie tosses the bomb back and forth in her hands until Vaggie takes it;]

Vaggie: Nope, gimme that.

[Vaggie throws the bomb out of the oh-so broken wall and said bomb explodes 'safely'.]

Angel Dust: I love seein' ya Cherri, but I'm too tired. I need to pass out.

[Angel tries falling back down onto the couch, but Cherri catches and pulls him up.]

Cherri Bomb: You can sleep when you're double dead, fuckhead! Come on, what you really need is a recharge! A reinvigoration, a re—

Charlie: Responsible night on the town! That is a great idea! Hi! Charlie! That's my wall that you just blew up. It's no nice to meet one of Angel's friends! Agh! He never brings anyone around.

Cherri Bomb: *snorts* Wonder why.

Charlie: Yeah, me too. Anyway, Angel and everyone else have been working so hard, I think they deserve to have a little fun.

Cherri Bomb: W-w-wait, they?

[Charlie waves over to Husk and Niffty.]

Charlie: Yeah! Hi, everyone! Angel and his friend are taking you all out for a night of fun and relaxation!

Cherri Bomb: Wait, I'm only here for Ange—

[Charlie hands Cherri Bomb a stack of money.]

Cherri Bomb: Oh! Never mind, Let's GO!

Charlie: Make sure they have the best time tonight! Anyway, the portal to heaven should be opening right about…

[Portal to Heaven opens.]

Charlie: (Screams with delight) Now! Bye!!

[Charlie and Vaggie enter the portal as Sir Pentious walks by, spots Cherri Bomb and spits out his drink in shock]

Sir Pentious: Well! If it isn't my arch-nemesis! Have you come to meet your fate in battle, Cherri Bomb?

Cherri Bomb: Apparently, I'm going out with Angel and I gotta drag your sorry asses along.

Sir Pentious: Oh, oh, you and me are going out for fun? I… I didn't think this would ever happen. *panicked* What-What do I do? What do I wear??

Cherri Bomb: Don't fuckin' touch me, ya munted dickhead.

[Charlie and Vaggie are shown to be outside the golden gates to Heaven as the portal closes behind them.]

Charlie: Vaggie, look at this place! It's so clean! Isn't that amazing?

Vaggie: *sarcastically* Yup, super cool. Heaven. Wow.

[ St. Peter appears at his desk.}

St. Peter: Hiya! Welcome to Heaven! Can I get your name please?

Charlie: Oh! Uhm, uh, Charlie Morningstar!

St. Peter: Charlie Morningstar, hmm, *mumbling names from list* I'm not seeing you on my list here, that's so odd.

Charlie: Uh, uhm, my dad got me this meeting, so maybe...

St. Peter: (in background) Oh, Dad! Okay!

Charlie: Try Lucifer Morningstar?

St. Peter: Oh, fuck! *nervously* Yeah, hoooo, hehe. Yikes, am I right? Are you sure you're in the right place? Because I think you might be a little lost.

Vaggie: Oh, here we go.

Charlie: No, uh… we're, we're here for a meeting.

[Above the three of them, Sera and Emily suddenly appear in their angelic forms before turning into their humanoid forms as they land in front of Charlie and Vaggie.]

Sera: Saint Peter, we can take it from here. Greetings, daughter of the Morningstar. I am Sera, the high seraphim of heaven. You are gifted to be here.

Emily: *squeals* Hi! I'm Emily, the other seraphim, though you can call me Em! Emmy, E, whatever you want, I go by whatever. *giggles* Welcome to Heaven!

St. Peter: Dearly beloved, it is my pleasure to say onto thee...♫ Welcome to Heaven, oh oh! ♫

[They are transported into the streets of Heaven as "Welcome to Heaven" begins.]

St. Peter: ♫ Where the virtuous reside, 24/7, oh oh! People are happy that they died, cause here we got no worries, got no burglaries, no strife. It's the perfect afterlife! Welcome to Heaven, oh oh! ♫

''[St. Peter flies amongst many advertisements in Heaven.]''

♫ Check out our sick decor! The spirits leaven, oh! ♫

♫ Please keep your brimstone off the floor, we've got the best and brightest, the politest of the lot. ♫

''[St. Peter poses with lots of other angels.]''

♫ And everyone is hot! ♫

Emily: ♫ Gosh, I'm so pleased to show some outsiders around. After you see our realm, you'll never wanna go back down! ♫

Sera: ♫ Of course it is just temporary, I'm sorry you can't stay. ♫

[Emily and St. Peter grabs hands and fly up together, before falling back down and posing with some other angels.]

St. Peter and Emily: ♫ Cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day! Welcome to Heaven! ♫

St. Peter: ♫Yeah!♫ [He pants after finishing the song]

''[Charlie, Vaggie and Emily run off hurriedly, passing Adam and Lute. They both immediately pause as they see Charlie and Vaggie.]''

Adam: Holy fucking shit balls, am I seeing who I think I'm seeing?

Lute: What is she doing here? How did she even get up here?

Adam: Who cares? I'm handling this shit right now.

[Adam goes to challenge Charlie and Vaggie, but Lute stops him.]

Lute: Wait! You want to start a fight on the promenade in front of everyone?

Adam: Better than waiting for the fucking extermination!

Lute: SHHH, sir, what was the Seraphim's one rule?

Adam: Uuughhh, "No one but the exorcists can know about the exterminations". I know fine. *slurps drink* Don't fucking shush me, bitch.

[Sera suddenly appears behind them both.]

Sera: You should listen to your lieutenant, Adam.

Adam: *turns around and looks at Sera* Fuck! Sera! You can't sneak up on a guy like that, jeez.

Lute: Your highness, forgive me, but what are the hell spawn doing here?

Sera: Well, you failed to control the demons unrest and now Lucifer's involved, setting up an audience for his misguided daughter. I never would've agreed to your yearly activities if I thought it would bring trouble to our doorstep. Keeping Heaven safe was my only reason for allowing it.

Adam: What do you want from me? I'm just one guy.

Sera: I want you to do whatever you need to do to keep this problem from getting any worse. Are we clear?

Adam: Yeah. Got it.

[Vaggie and Charlie are shown in their hotel room, Vaggie putting their luggage down as Charlie sits on the bed excitedly.]

Charlie: Okay, I love Heaven! Vaggie, did you see the ice cream shop? They had sprinkles made of rainbows!

Vaggie: Those are just rainbow sprinkles.

Charlie: *stands up excitedly* Emily's going to take me to a zoo where all the animals are actually soft! You coming?

Vaggie: Uh, I need a break. But hug a koala for me.

Charlie: O.M.G! Can you imagine an actual koala? *squeals happily* see you later!

''[Vaggie lays on the bed and sighs as Charlie leaves, but there is a knock on the door a second later. She answers it, revealing Adam.]''

Adam: Hey there Vag-asaurus!

Vaggie: Charlie will be back soon, you need to get out now.

[Adam enters the room, Lute behind him

Adam: I'm not looking for the blonde, babe. I'm looking for you.

Vaggie: Why?

Adam: Maybe 'cus you left the band, you tried for a solo career, or I guess it's more of a… duet!

Vaggie: I don't know what you're talking about.

''[A flashback shows a past Extermination. An Excorcist flies down and kills a demon, before taking her helmet off, revealing it to be Vaggie.]''

Adam: Do you really think I wouldn't recognize one of my top girls just cuz you're out of uniform? You were on the front lines, I wouldn't forget a bad bitch like you. It's why I named you after the best thing ever. Vaggie.

Vaggie: Actually, its pronounced Vaggie.

Adam: Mmmmm, no! Anyway, you sure fucked up, didn't you?

''[Cuts to a flashback of Vaggie as an Excorcist chasing down a sinner child. However, Vaggie seems to reconsider.]''

Vaggie: Go, run. Now!

''[Lute appears behind her and stabs her eye out. Vaggie screams.]''

Lute: *steps on Vaggie before ripping her wings off* Sinful filth like you has no place in heaven.

''[It then changes to Vaggie stumbling down an alleyway, now with only one eye. She collapses against a dumpster, before Charlie, in the past, spots her. She puts a bandage over her missing eye, and Vaggie smiles.]''

Adam: To think someone as worthless as you landed Lilith's little hottie. 'Grats on that I guess.

Lute: Their love is vile and blasphemous.

Adam: Hot as fuck though. But I wonder what your bitch would think if she found out you are actually one of us, hmmm?

Vaggie: What do you want?

Adam: Simple, you work for me again and at the hearing you're gonna help me shut this kindergarten snowflake bullshit down for good.

Vaggie: Never!

Adam: Oh yeah, you know, that's totally cool. I guess I'll just tell little miss butterflies and rainbows that she's been fucking someone who's killed thousands of her people. I'm sure your relationship will be fine. See you in court!

Charlie: Oh no, not him again!

Adam: What up, baby? Saw that you went to my manager. Low blow, Karen.

Sera: We are gathered here today to determine where or not a soul in hell can be redeemed into the heavenly realm via means of this "Hazbin Hotel". Princess Morningstar?

Charlie: *sigh* Thank you, seraphim. *clears throat* Webster’s dictionary defines redemption as—

Adam: Objection, lame and unoriginal.

Sera: Sustained. No further dictionary references please.

Charlie: Right, ok, uh, uh… uhhmmmm…

Adam: If you have actual evidence, then show it already.

Charlie: We have a patron right now who is making incredible progress!

Adam: Who?

Charlie: Angel Dust.

Adam: Oh yeah, the porn demon. He’s totally worth being redeemed. *blows raspberry*

Charlie: Well, if you know so much, what do you think it takes to get into heaven?

Adam: Uhmm… w-well… Uhh…

Sera: Is everything ok, Adam?

Adam: Give me a fucking minute, ok? *mutters*

Vaggie: *reading list* “Act selfless, don’t steal, stick it to the man.” Are you fucking serious?

Adam: Uh, yeah. Sure got me here, didn't it? *laughs nervously* Right, Sera?

Sera: He was the first human soul in heaven.

Charlie: Well, I bet Angel is doing all of those things right now!

Adam: Then let’s fucking see it brah! *snaps fingers*

Charlie: Your honor, may I present exhibit A.

Cherri Bomb: Woo! Isn’t this place the fucking best?

Husk: I’ll admit, “Consent” is a good name for a sex club.

Sir Pentious: Niffty, dear, what are you doing?

Niffty: I’m sweeping! Ugh, look how icky it is in here!

Sir Pentious: That’s because we’re at a club, dear.

Niffty: Oh! I thought the hotel looked different! *giggles*

Sir Pentious: Ms. Bomb, I-I’d like to buy you a drink.

Cherri Bomb: Why? Didn’t you say we’re arch rivals?

Sir Pentious: Uhm… uhh… because I’m buying everyone a drink!

Crowd: Free drinks! I love alcohol!

Angel Dust: Good, I need a drink after today. You know, Val, he’s into this waterboarding shit now, I don’t know, it’s a kink.

Cherri Bomb: Angel, enough with the Val talk. He already ruined your whole day, don’t let him ruin your night too. Here, take one of these and you won’t be worrying about nothing.

Husk: Here we go.

Cherri Bomb: Oh look! The drunk sobered up long enough to judge us.

Husk: I ain’t the one trying to get into heaven. Look, you want to fuck up all your progress? Be my guest. I just… *sighs* I just thought you were better than that.

Cherri Bomb: Thanks, Captain Buzzkill. Come on, Angie, let’s get fucked up! It’s been too long!

Angel Dust: I uhh… I don’t know, it’s been a long night and I don’t need to go too wild.

Husk: *approvingly* Hmm.

Cherri Bomb: Come on, bitch. If you’ve really been working that hard, you deserve a little R and R, some THC, or maybe PCP with DMT. Aw, fuck it, let’s see where the night takes us, huh?

Angel Dust: I.. I guess?

Sir Pentious: Cherri, I bought you a shot. B-because I brought everyone a shot! Hooray! *chuckles*

Crowd: Yeah! Another drink! I love alcohol!

Angel Dust: *drinks shot* ah… Fuck it, let’s do it.

Husk: *sighs*

Adam: Heavenly people, what more do you need to see? The porn star chose a night of debauchery. That’s not a soul worthy of being in heaven!

Charlie: Uhm, objection! Are you really telling me you’ve never had a drink with friends after a hard day?

Adam: Uh, we don’t have hard days? It’s fucking Heaven, bitch. You seriously gonna sit there and pretend like this behavior is ok? *to Vaggie* What do you think?

Vaggie: I-I- I have to go the bathroom!

Charlie: What? Vaggie, can you hold it?! *frustrated groan* Angel will make good decisions, come on! We have to keep watching! Please?

Sera: *sighs* Yeah, I don’t know.

Emily: Come on, let’s give him a chance.

Sera: Very well, the court will allow it.

Charlie: Fuck, yes! I mean… heh… thank you.

Cherri Bomb: Round 12, motherfuckers! The heels are coming off!

Angel Dust: Ho ho yeah! Keep 'em coming! Come on, right here! Come right to daddy.

Sir Pentious: Oh, it’s wonderful to have friends! *chuckles*

Niffty: Everything’s spinny! *giggles*

Angel Dust: Alright, I think you’re done, tiny.

Niffty: No! Gimme gimme gimme!

Cherri Bomb: Oh come on, bitch! She can handle a little more!

Angel Dust: She’s like 10 pounds soaking wet and— oh shit, where’d she go?

Guys at a table: Hey! Fuck!

Niffty: Dirty, dirty! Make it clean!

Angel Dust: Damn it, niffty. Sorry fellas, here, next one’s on me. Niffty? Shit!

Niffty: Chlorine… Bleach…

Cherri Bomb: Angie, What the fuck you doin'? You're supposed to be relaxin', not playin' nanny!

Angel Dust: Look she ain't used to this scene, I-I just dont want her to end up in the gutter like I used to

Cherri Bomb: *scoff* WHATEVER, NERD, just catch up when you're done!

Niffty: *laughing*

Angel Dust: STOP!! You can't take tha- GOD, Niff, why you bein' such a mess?!

Niffty: I'm the mess...? (Starts crying)

Angel Dust: Oh... shh shh Hey hey, Hey calm down. *Take deep breaths* It's fine. Shh.. Hey, you wanna play with the kitty?

Niffty: (stops crying) yeah... hahaha

[Angel puts Niffty on Husk's head.]

Husk: The fuck is this?

Angel Dust: She's wasted, just go with it.

Husk: Really? *Sees Niffty playing with his ears and wings* Ugh, get the...

Sir Pentious: Ahh... HEY, WOW!!!! Hey, so… I see the club has a sex room, so I was thinking, maybe you’d want to, uhmm… do a… SEX with me?

Cherri: *snort* I’m sorry, why would we have sex?

Sir Pentious: Uh… uhm… because I’m having sex with everyone here!

[Crowd cheers]

Sir Pentious: Wait! *screams*

Cherri: You know, we can do this fucking shit every fuckin' night! You don’t have to spend all your off hours “working on yourself.”, you little bitch.

Husk: The hotel isn’t a problem, it’s—

Angel Dust: Valentino.

Husk: Exactly.

Angel Dust: No, Valentino!

Valentino: Yeah, I’m here all the time, they know me. You’re gorgeous, do you need a job? How many dicks can you suck? I could make you a star...

Angel Dust: Let’s get the fuck out of here, okay? Wait… where’s Nfifty?

Valentino: Ok, yeah, bring me another drink or I’ll fucking kill you.

Niffty: Bad boy! *giggles*

Valentino: Yeah, a star. Porn star. Ok, yep, bring me another or I’ll fucking kill you! I said I’ll fucking kill you!

Angel Dust: Excuse me! Pardon me! Get out of my way!

Valentino: Holy shit, Angel Dust? What are you doing here, baby? You didn’t get enough dick today?

Angel Dust: Funny.

Valentino: Who’s this chiquita? You bringing me fresh meat?

[Niffty bites at Valentino and Valentino yelps.]

Niffty: I just want a taste.

Valentino: Weird, but there’s a kink for that, I’m sure!

Angel Dust: Fuck off, Val.

Valentino: Excuse me?

Angel Dust: I said fuck off! I may have to put up with your bullshit, but you ain’t fuckin' with any of my friends!

Valentino: Did you forget who you’re talking to? I own you, bitch.

Angel Dust: Yeah, you do, in the studio. And you can do anything you want to me there, just like our deal says. But out here, I get to do what I want. So once again, '''FUCK. OFF!!'''

[Valentino smacks Angel, sending him tumbling to the side as Valentino walks over.]

Valentino: Enjoy the rest of your night, bitch, because I’m going to enjoy making you pay for it tomorrow.

Cherri: Fuckin' dickhead...

Angel Dust: Fuck it. It was worth it.

Husk: Way to go, kid.

[Niffty rips off a part of Valentino’s fur.]

Valentino: Ow! What the fuck?!?

Niffty: For my collection! *chuckles* Wait up, guys!

Cherri: Did you just call these cunts your friends? Thought that was my job.

Angel Dust: There’s room for everyone, and you know… you could come crash with us too.

Cherri: Ok, look, Angie, I’m glad this hotel shit is workin' out for you, but you know me, bitch, I’m doin' just fine! In fact, I'm gonna fuck the next guy I see! But if you need me, you know where to find me, yeah?

Sir Pentious: *panting* is Cherri still here? Damnit!

Charlie: See! He did everything on your checklist! He was selfless, he stopped Niffty from stealing and he stuck it to that moth man!

Adam: Uhhh… well, uh… then why isn’t he here then? Hm?

Emily: Yeah, why isn’t he here?

Charlie: Wait... none of you know what gets a soul into Heaven?

Sera: This questioning stops now, We know when a soul arrives, we know when they pass divine judgment, it is our job to ensure these souls are safe.

[ You Didn't Know starts.]

Emily: ♫ But she was right, Sera♫

♫She showed us a soul can improve♫

♫He saw the light, Sera♫

♫Checked all the boxes that you said would♫

♫Prove a person deserves a second chance♫

♫Now we turn our backs, no second glance?♫

Sera: ♫It's not as simple as you think♫

♫Not everything is spelled in ink♫

Charlie: ♫It's not fair, Sera♫

Vaggie: ♫Careful, Charlie, keep a cool head♫

Charlie: ♫No! Don't you care, Sera?♫

♫That just because someone is dead♫

It doesn't mean they can't resolve to change their ways♫

♫Turn the page♫

♫Escape infernal blaze♫

Sera: ♫I'm sure you wish it could be so♫

♫But there's a lot that you don't know♫

Lute: ♫What are we even talkin' about?♫

♫ Some crack-whore who fucked up already?♫

♫He blew his shot, like the cocks in his mouth♫

♫This discussion is senseless and petty♫

Lute and Adam: ♫There's no question to be posed♫

♫He's unholy, case closed♫

♫Did you forget that "Hell is forever"?♫

Adam: ♫A man only lives once♫

♫We'll see you in one month♫

♫Gotta say, I can't wait to-♫

Sera: Adam..

Adam: ♫Come down and exterminate you♫

Emily: ♫Wait!♫

Adam: ♫Shit!♫

Emily: ♫What are you saying? ♫

♫Let me get this straight♫

♫You go down there and kill those poor souls?♫

Charlie: ♫You didn't know?♫

Adam: Whoops!

Lute: ♫Guess the cat's out of the bag♫

Adam: ♫What's the big deal?♫

Emily: Sera, tell me that you didn't know

Sera: ♫I thought, since I'm older♫

♫It's my load to shoulder♫

Emily: No!

Sera: ♫You have to listen♫

♫It was such a hard decision♫

♫I wanted to save you, the anguish it takes to♫

♫Do what was required♫

Emily: ♫To think that I admired you♫

vWell, I don't need your condescension♫

♫I'm not a child to protect♫

♫Was talk of virtue just pretension?♫

♫Was I too naïve to expect you♫

To heed the morals you're purveying?

Charlie: ♫That's what the fuck I've been saying!♫

Charlie and Emily: ♫If Hell is forever, then Heaven must be a lie!♫

Sera: *spoken* Emily!

Charlie and Emily: ♫If angels can do whatever, and remain in the sky♫

♫ The rules are shades of gray when you don't do as you say♫

♫When you make the wretched suffer just to kill them again♫

Charlie: ♫I was told not to trust in angels♫

Adam: ♫ By her?♫

Lute: ♫Ha! She should know♫

Vaggie: ♫We should go♫

Charlie: ♫No! Don't you see? ♫

♫We've come so close♫

♫Look at them fighting

♫They're at each other's throats♫

Adam: ♫Don't you act all high and mighty♫

♫Did you ever think your little girlfriend might be a liar?♫

Vaggie: ♫Don't, Adam, please!♫

Adam: ♫What's the fuss?♫

♫Why hide the fact that you're an angel♫

♫Just like us?♫

(song ends)

Sera: (Inhale to keep composure) I'm sorry... but this court finds no evidence souls in hell can be redeemed.

Adam: Oh, FUCK, YES!! I WIN!!! SUCK IT BITCHES. You better save the date cunts, 'cause we're coming to your hotel, FIRST.

(Snaps)

Charlie: What... NO!!

Vaggie: You... Mother fu-

[Charlie and Vaggie scream as they are transported back to Hell through a portal.]

Emily: Charlie!! Don't give up on this! I'll figure something out I promise!!!

Sera: That was uncalled for, Adam.

Adam: Yeah, But did you see the looks on their fucking faces, it was.... d-d- (stammers) Sorry....(The court, Adam, and Lute fly away)

Emily: Extermination? Of human souls!? Demon or not there is NO reason to be doing this.

Sera: They were uprising, Emily, It is my position as the head Seraphim to protect our people at all costs. And it's your position to keep them happy and joyful.

Emily: How can I bring joy when I now know we are bringing misery to thousands of innocent people?

Sera: Heaven needs us, Emily. Everyone looks to us... and we can't doubt ourself or worry about the fates of demons when we have our own souls to protect. Please.... if you start to question... you could end up like Lucifer. FALLEN. I couldn't bear to see you suffer that fate, so please, let me worry about this, ok?

(Sera kisses Emily’s forehead)

Sera: I'm sorry.

(Emily looks at Adam's rules gently, as the episode ends.)

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