The Harvest Moon Festival/Transcript

''[Scene opens up to a sunlit exterior of Stolas’ palace. Blitzo is shown lighting a cigarette on Stolas’ bed. Stolas sighs in contentment as Blitzo folds his hands behind his head.]''

Stolas: I’m sorry for having to move our little rendezvous early. I have an engagement this month on the full moon.

[Stolas is shown wearing a ball gag, his hands tied to the headboard with rope.]

Blitzo: When this happens, it’s not really something I fuss about. But do you really need the book for this far bullshit? I have like fifteen new clients waiting for heads to roll.

[Blitzo reaches up and burns the rope off Stolas’ hands with his cigarette, freeing him.]

Stolas: As shocking as it may seem, Blitzy, my grimoire is actually incredibly important. And it isn’t what we lend out to itty bitty imps like yourself.

[Stolas pinches Blitzo’s cheeks before Blitzo shoves him away.]

Stolas: The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion. It’s been my annual duty to showcase it in the Ring of Wrath. It’s celebrated by a very charming little festival with the locals.

[Blitzo pulls a feather out of his mouth in disgust]

Blitzo: Wrath, huh? My employees are from there. I’ve never really been here. It’s full of inbred chuckle fucks.

[Stolas sits up]

Stolas: Oh! Why don’t you all join me at the festival? I can guarantee you all…

[Stolas pulls the covers over his head and his head appears near Blitzo’s crotch.]

Stolas: (Chuckles) …special access.

Blitzo: Look I told you, we’re not bodyguards, okay? That was a one-time thing we did badly.

''[Stolas stands up with the covers on his head. He does a playful howl head tilt.]''

Stolas: I’m simply offering a work-free day of fun. I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival. It’s the same every year.

Blitzo: Well if you promise this isn’t some fuck fest invite, it does sound like it could be a blast and a half. Plus it’s not like we can do jack shit without your book anyway.

Stolas: (in a baby-talk voice) Aww, I’m sorry your clients will have to wait.

[Blitzo chuckles and waves a dismissive hand.]

Blitzo: Oh fuck my clients!

''[Moxxie and Millie’s apartment is revealed under a Robo Fizz sign. Moxxie and Millie sleep in their bed. Moxxie’s phone lights up and an organ ringtone sounds. Moxxie taps the phone and rolls over. The phone sounds again. In annoyance, Moxxie grabs the phone and sits up.]''

Moxxie: What do you want, sir?

Blitzo: Hey, sorry to wake you, Mox! How would you and Mils like to visit the Wrath Ring for some harvest bullshit this year?

[Millie sits up in excitement]

Millie: The Harvest Moon Festival?! Yee-fucking-haw!

Moxxie: (sighs) Well, Millie likes the idea. Wait, where are you calling from?

''[Blitzo falls down onto the bed from the ceiling. His phone bonks his head. Moxxie narrows his eyes.]''

Moxxie: Of course.

''[Scene shifts to the Rough N’ Tumbleweed Ranch. The I.M.P. van pulls up in front of two imps.]''

Millie: Mamma! Daddy!

''[Millie gets out of the van and happily runs toward her parents. Her father hugs her and spins her around before placing her down.]''

Joe: Yee-haw! How’s my deadly little pumpkin spice doing?

[Joe rubs Millie’s hair affectionately.]

Millie: I’m good, Pa! Thanks for letting us stay here for the harvest jamboree!

Lin: It’s no trouble. We know you aren’t making as much anymore since y’all went “freelance.”

Millie: Freelance pays fine, Ma! We’re doing fine! It's fine.

[Millie walks over to Moxxie, who is struggling to carry luggage.] 

Millie: Anyway, y’all remember my husband Moxxie?

''[Millie shoves a nervous Moxxie in front of her parents. They stare at him in disapproval. Joe “hmpths”.]''

Moxxie: Greetings, Lin. Joe. How have you been uh with all the…flaming twisters and stuff around here?

[Moxxie nervously holds out his hand]

Joe: We lost our old farm hand to one of them terrors last week.

Moxxie: (laughs nervously) Oh crumbs. My bad! I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to open that wound, sir.

Blitzo: Hey, watch it! I’m the “sir” here, bucko!

Millie: Oh yeah! Y’all haven’t met my boss Blitzo! And his hellhound!

Loona: I’m not just his hellhound.

Blitzo: Yeah, she’s my daughter.

[Blitzo pulls her in a tight side hug]

Loona: Only on paper. Y’all don’t deserve to know my name.

[Blitzo walks over to Millie’s parents.]

Blitzo: It’s a pleasure to finally meet the sperm and egg factory that popped out this little gem of an assassin. You two raised a sturdy bitch!

[Blitzo playfully elbows Millie]

Joe: (chuckles) That we did! So, Blitzo, is it? That’s a fine name.

[Blitzo and Joe shake hands]

Lin: It reminds me of war.

Joe: (sighs happily) Nothing like a little war to make a strong man.

Blitzo: I like you people.

Moxxie: You know, more battles were won by technological advances in warfare. I’ve researched the history weaponry extensively. And it’s inspiring how…for example, the progression of guns utilizing angelic weaponry has changed the landscape of Hell’s combative…

''[Millie makes a “stop” motion with her hands. Joe crosses his arms.]''

Moxxie: I mean…(says in deep voice) war fun.

Joe: Guns get the job done, but a man ain’t nothing if he can’t tear off the head of a hellish neat with only his bare hands!

Blitzo: Ha! He’s right, Moxxie! (speaks baby talk) You got a cute little baby hand like your baby dick!

''[Blitzo grabs Moxxie’s hand and reaches toward his crotch. Moxxie slaps his arm away.]''

Moxxie: Refrain, sir.

Joe: Speaking of strong hands, y’all should meet our newest help. Hey Striker!