Dad Beat Dad/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Dad Beat Dad". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[Opens to Vaggie sleeping in bed. she squirms before waking up, yawning and rubbing her eyes. She turns to the left side. Camera zooms out to reveal Charlie gone.]''

Vaggie: Charlie?

[It cuts to Charlie panicking and planning out everything with lots of paper with strings attached with everyone else watching her]

Charlie: I'm just not quite understanding why it's not working. Okay, okay, think Charlie. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think. Okay if I do this, it's going to be- (gasp) I have trust falls every single morning. We can do- (gasp)

Angel: Yikes.

Charlie: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Vaggie: Charlie? Sweetie? You, uh, you good?

Charlie: Nope! No, not really. Ha ha. I've been up all night trying to figure out why the hotel isn't working. [Crushes paper with hand] We've done trust falls, we've tried sharing our feelings, we only have a couple months left before the angels come. [Turns into demonic form and laughs and then turns back to normal] And at this rate-

Vaggie: Maybe it's time-

Charlie: NO.

Vaggie: to ask-

Charlie: DON'T SAY IT.

Vaggie: your dad.

[Charlie groans]

Vaggie: Charlie, I know you don't want to, but we need every advantage we can get.

Charlie: He let the extermination happen to begin with. They just had a meeting and said, "Go ahead and kill everyone"- (gasp) Wait, that's it!

Vaggie: Kill everyone?

Charlie: No! He could get me a meeting with Heaven!

Vaggie: Didn't we already try that?

Charlie: Well yeah with Adam, he was an asshole. But he isn't in charge of all of Heaven. We could go to the top. There's sure to be some angels who will listen.

[Charlie scrolls through her contacts, hesitant to call her dad]

Husk: What's the holdup? You got daddy issues?

Charlie: No, we just have never been close. After he and mom split, he never really wanted to see me. He calls, sometimes, but only if he's bored or like needs me to do something.

Husk: Daddy issues.

Angel: Well I'd like to meet the big dick in charge.

Niffty: The ultimate bad boy. [laughs while Angel throws her knife away] I bet he's scary.

[Cuts to Lucifer's house, showing framed photos of his family and then him]

Lucifer: That's it. Almost there. Now presenting... the magic-tastical back flipping rubber duck! Haha! That spits fire! Hoo hoo hoo! Hold the applause please, okay. Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh god, who am I kidding? This sucks.

''[He throws the rubber duck at his family portrait and looks sad. Suddenly his ringtone plays]''

Lucifer: Daughter? Daughter! Daughter calling?! OH! Uhm uh, uh hello, Charlie. He-ey, hey, hey Char-Char. No, no! That's not good. Oh, this is the first time she's called you. Yes, this has to be perfect. [picks up phone] Hey~ bitch!

Charlie: Hi, Dad.

Lucifer: Hey! How are you? Oh ho ho. Where-where are you these days?

Charlie: You know where I am Dad. I've told you before.

Lucifer: You have? Oh, yeah uh, well, you know, I uh-

Charlie: I told you when you called me five months ago, or did you not listen?

Lucifer: No, no, no, no. Just, you know, just forgot. You know, I've just been really busy, you know, with, um, important things. [kicks rubber duck]

Charlie: Well, I'm actually running a hotel to rehabilitate sinners. Maybe you saw our commercial?

Lucifer: Oh, sadly, I missed it. heh heh. You know, I haven't been watching much TV lately. Scrambles the brain. [makes silly noises]. But hey! A hotel, fun.

Charlie: Listen Dad, I've got kind of a big ask.

Lucifer: [coughs and sets down his tea] Yeah, of course. Anything in my power is yours for the asking. You just name it~

Charlie: I need to speak to Heaven. Well, whoever's in charge up there, above Adam, above anybody. I need to go to the top.

Lucifer: Oh, no. No~ No, no, no, no, Charlie, no, no, no. That's, uh hah, no.

Charlie: [angrily] Look Dad, [normal] I don't ask you for much, I never have, but this, this is really important to me. This is the most important thing I've ever done. And I need you. I need your help.

Lucifer: I don't know, Charlie.

Charlie: Please! Just come see what I'm trying to do. You'll see why it's a really good idea. And Heaven is bound to agree if I get the chance to talk to them. Please, Dad.

Lucifer: Wait, you're...inviting me over?! Absolutely! Oh, I'll be there in an hour. [hangs up] My daughter wants to see me~ Take that, depression!

Charlie: Welp, we have an hour until he gets here.

Vaggie: Okay people, Lucifer is on his way. So we are going to get this place presentable and we are going to make an amazing impression. Vamanos!

''[ Sir Pentious and Niffty bakes cookies, then Niffty starts sweeping and Husk is cleaning up. Alastor walks in and watches Razzle and Dazzle put up a "Wellcum Daddy" banner up. Angel puts on some make up then Niffty shuts the mirror Angel was using]''

Charlie: [sighs] Okay everyone, it's showtime! [opens the door]

Lucifer: Charlie!

Charlie: Hey, Dad.

Lucifer: [hugs Charlie] Oh it's so good to see you. Haha!

Charlie: It's uh, good to see you too, Dad. [Releases Charlie and then Charlie takes a breather] [clears throat] Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!

Lucifer: Oh hewwo KeeKee. Razzle, and Dazzle, oh[makes endearing noises] look how much you haven't grown. Still fun sized. You taking care of my little girl? You better be. [snickers] Wow! This place sure looks, uh...uh huh yah uh huh...It's got a lot of character! OH, what in the unholy hell is that?!

Alastor: Just some of the renovations we had done. Adds a bit of colour, don't you think?

Lucifer: And you are?

Alastor: Alastor. Pleasure to be meeting you, sir. Quite a pleasure. It's nice to finally put a face to the name. You are much shorter in real life.

Lucifer: Who is this? Who is this man? Are you the bellhop?

Alastor: Aha! No! I am the host of the hotel. You might have heard of me from my radio broadcast.

Lucifer: Hmm, nope! I guess that's why Charlie named it the Hazbin Hotel, ahaha.

Alastor: Ha ha ha. It was actually my idea.

Lucifer: Ahaha. Well, that's not very clever.

Alastor: Ha ha. Fuck you.

Charlie: Okay! Okay, anyway. Dad, look at this lovely parlor where people can get to know each other and share secrets and stories and intimate feelings! Without Alastor, we wouldn't have been able to pretty it up this much.

Alastor: Charlie has a very unique vision. I am happy to fulfil her bizarre requests. [places hand on her shoulder]

Charlie: Oh, thank you, Alastor. [Lucifer gets angry]

Alastor: Quite an impressive young lady. We're all very proud of her.

Lucifer: Ahem, Charlie! Dear, eheh, why don't you introduce me to your OTHER friends?

Charlie: Oh, yes, of course. This is Vaggie, she's my girlfriend.

Lucifer: Oh my golly! You like girls? Yes, so do I. We have so much in common! You put her there Vaggie. Hey! [hugs her] Oh yeah. She's so pretty.

Vaggie: Lovely to meet you, uh, sir.

Charlie: And this is Sir Pentious and Angel Dust, our guests!

Sir Pentious: Your Majesty! [falls down into the cookies]

Angel: Heya short king.

Charlie: Husk is our bartender and Niffty is our housekeeper.

Husk: Nice to meet you.

Niffty: Hello. I clean [laughs].

[Suddenly the chandelier falls and produces a huge amount of dust which makes everyone cough]

Lucifer: [Laughs]. Alright then.

{song plays}