Western Energy/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Western Energy". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

The scene begins at “Richest Cup Café, where the poor pour for you!” Stella and Stolas are sipping tea, giving each other glares.

Stella: Stolas.

Stolas: Stella.

Stella: (censored “cunt”)

Stolas: Witch.

Andrealphus: (facepalms) Aurgh!

Stella: FUCKISH. IMP. SUCKER!

Stolas: Why did you insist on meeting me here?

''Imp server pours tea for Stolas. Stola looks at his phone that says: “Reminder, Deal @ Ozzie’s set.”''

Andrealphus: Ahem! We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce. I feel my darling sister deserves a bit more…compensation. After all, you did CHEAT on the poor thing. Surely you owe…

Stolas: Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal. This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage. As far as I’m concerned, this divorce is far overdue.

Striker’s horse is seen racing toward the glass window.

Stella: Up yours! (flips Stolas the bird)

Andrealphus: Stellaaa, for fuck’s sake, stop making this harder to bullshit!

''The window breaks, revealing Striker posing on a table. He twirls two angelic revolvers in his hands. He fires one and the bullet hits the window near Stolas’ head. Stella grins evilly at Stolas as he dodges more bullets. He flies out toward the exit. Striker wraps Stolas in glowing white rope before he can escape. Stolas falls to the ground in an alley, captured.''

Stolas: Oh dear…this is worrisome.

''The scene cuts to Blitzo driving the I.M.P. van, with Moxxie and Millie in the back and a fearful Loona next to Blitzo. Blitzo’s phone lets out a bird ringtone.''

Blitzo: Oh shit. Stolas! It’s really not a good time, buddy…

Stolas: I’m sorry it’s a bad time yet again Blitzy, but umm…I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch. I’m tied to the back of a horse at the moment.

Blitzo: Pffttt…lucky bitch.

Stolas: Um, well no, rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by little cowboy friend of yours.

Blitzo: Ohh, which one?

Moxxie: How many cowboy friends do you know? (To Stolas) What does he look like, your highness?

Stolas glances up at Striker’s grinning face as he rides his horse.

Stolas: Mmm…sexy?

Moxxie: That’s Striker, sir!

Blitzo: Oh for fuck’s sake! Can’t you just get away? Aren’t you powerful?

Stolas: I believe he has bound me with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself, I’m afraid. So, I think you should come save me.

Blitzo: Oh shit Stolas, I can’t today, alright? I’m sorry. I-I’m literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies S.H.O.T.

Blitzo glances nervously at a frightened Loona.

Blitzo: It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one. And she’s been doing a lot of field work so, you know, she needs it.

Stolas: Oh, ha ha, well I do agree that is very important…but I-

Striker: Would you shut up already? I can hear you, by the way.

Striker swipes Stola’s cell phone with his tail.

Striker: Don’t worry about your lanky birdy…he’s in good hands. (evil laughter)

Stolas: Oh shit. Am I in danger right now?

Blitzo: Gaaagh, damn it!

''Blitzo breaks his phone in his hand. He moves the clutch forward and the can speeds down the highway.''

Millie: Sir, let me and Moxxie handle this one.

Blitzo: Okay, are you sure you two got this alone?

Moxxie: We can do it, sir. Together, we are a lethal combo. And we both have a score to settle with that dickhead.

Millie places a cowboy hat onto Moxxie’s head.

Blitzo: Alright, well hurry. Stolas sounds like he might be in real shit this time.

Blitzo pulls up to a tall St. An’s hospital building.

Blitzo: And knowing THAT guy’s aesthetic, my money’s that he’s in Wrath.

''Blitzo drops the car keys into Moxxie’s hand. Blitzo pulls Loona out of the van and carries her over his head.''

Blitzo: Now get your asses down there and look for some cowboy crap or something.

Moxxie drives the van away.

Blitzo: Come on, Loonie, come on, this will be over lickity split, alright?

''Blitzo pushes the door open and drags Loona inside by her tail. Loona scratches at the floor, hesitant to go in.''

Blitzo: Christ on a stick! Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered ass kidnapped…I have waited five fucking years for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITLE RED HOLE!

''Blitzo glances over to a demon mother glaring at him. Her son is next to her on a leash.''

Blitzo: Hi. The fuck you looking at?

Blitzo walks up to the desk toward a goat nurse.

Blitzo: Heya toots, I’m here for that S.H.O.T. for my Loonie Toonie. (laughs)

''Loona growls from behind. A nearby poster shows a hound with a needle in its back that reads “Get yours today or else!”''

Nurse: The what?

Blitzo: Urgh. The B.U.L.L shit that my daughter has to get every year that you M.O.T.H.E.R. FUCKERS only allow us to schedule every five years. How the fuck you fuck up that bad, anyway, Titty Haver?

Blitzo writes on a notepad.

Nurse: Oh, I can’t spell…

Blitzo pushes the notepad to her.

Nurse: I can’t read either.

Blitzo: The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking reeeeelllly can’t say that word anymore. The appointment is under Blitz.

The nurse flips through the notepad.

Nurse: Uhhh…I don’t see any Blitz on the list.

Blitzo: With an “O,” is silent you fucking…

The nurse flips the notepad over.

Nurse: OH! An “O” right here, yep, yep. Blitzoooo. Blitzooo.

Blitzo’s eye twitches and he seethes in anger.

Nurse: Yes well, we will be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat Mr. “O.”

''Blitzo reveals his pistol hidden in his shirt and the demon mother glares at him in suspicion. Blitzo chuckles nervously.''

Blitzo: Perf.

Blitzo walks over and takes a seat with his arms folded.

Blitzo glances at Loona who is whimpering in fear under three chairs.

Blitzo: Oh, don’t worry Loonie. It’s okay, it’s just one little prick, you won’t feel it.

Mother: Ew, don’t say that, it sounds vulgar.

Blitzo: Excuse me?

Mother: Pervert!

The next scene cuts to Striker galloping on his horse with Stolas tied up behind him.

(Striker’s theme song begins)

He’s galloping over the dusty plains

Even the cacti know his name

If you don’t want to die, don’t cross his path

The best assassin in the ring of Wrath

''He’s Striker! He’s Striker!''

Sure shootin’, darn tootin’, his name is Striker

Gonna bring that bird back to his lair

With his magic rope and Western flair

He’s very good at causing pain

And he loves to ride on the choo-choo-

(Striker glares at the mariachi quartet imps before they can say “train”)

Dirty dealin’, prince stealin’

He’s a villain, Striker!

He’s fast and strong and tall and mean

The foulest imp you’ve ever seen

He’ll break your bones to hear ‘em crunch

He likes to eat Pâté for lunch

He’s Striker, hmm, ye-ye-yeah

He’s Striker

(The last imp extends the notes, much to Striker’s annoyance)

He’s Striker, he-

Striker: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’M TRYIN’ TO DO MY FUCKING JOB! YOU COMIN’ IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE YOU FREAKS!

The terrified mariachi imps quietly ride away in the cart.

Stolas: How does one get their own theme song?

The scene returns to Blitzo in the waiting room.

Blitzo: Soooo, nice weather we’re having, huh?

Boy: (points to Blitzo) Look mommy! They let fire toads in here!

Blitzo: The fuck did you just call me?

Mother: (to her son) It’s not polite to call them that to their face, honey. Wait until we’re in the car.

Blitzo: You got a problem with me (censored “cunt”)

Mother: (gasps) There is a child present you filthy Wrathian!

Blitzo: Oh, I am not from Wrath, bitch. Also, my kid’s here too, and I don’t think she would appreciate you calling her father…”things.”

Mother: (turns to nurse) Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out?

Blitzo: Oh please. I bet the hardest work you’ve ever done is convincing your husband that little shit’s his.

Blitzo points to the boy whose eyes water.

Mother: Oh yeah, and what do you do that’s SO important?

Blitzo: Me? Oh, I kill people. How does a two for one special sound, whore?

Blitzo pulls out his flintlock pistol and points it at her.

Nurse: Mr. “O,” the doc will see your hound now.

''Blitzo strangles the mother and the boy with his arm and then shoves them to the floor. He brushes off his suit and carries Loona into the room, blowing a raspberry behind him.''

The next scene shows Moxxie and Millie pulling up to a gas station in the desert.

Moxxie: Crumbs! I’ll grab the gas. Millie, go and see if anyone’s seen Striker anywhere.

''Millie and Moxxie get out of the van as a biker gang pulls up. The bikers notice Moxxie.''

Biker: Hey queer boy! You stealin’ my hat?

Moxxie: What?

Biker: Same hat.

Moxxie: Oh sorry. My wife just put this hat on my head you know, because it was…hot…outside…

The biker gets into Moxxie’s face.

Biker: Saaame. Haaat.

Moxxie: (sighs) So we’re doing this, huh?

Millie: (spots the mariachi band) Howdy boys! Y’all seen this mother fucker riding around here?

''Millie shows the band a drawing of Striker firing a gun. Moxxie is seen fighting the bikers in the background.''

Band: He’s galloping…

Millie: NO, NO! No singing! Just a yes or no, please.

Imp: Yeah, he lives out by the Badman Lands, in the old train tunnel by the mine shafts. Very outlaw aesthetic, ya can’t miss it.

''Moxxie rides on the biker leader’s back and slams the biker’s head on the door. He slams the biker’s head through one of the van windows. He swipes his credit card before avoiding the biker’s attacks. He takes the gas nozzle and wraps the hose around the biker’s throat. Moxxie then pulls the biker down, puts the nozzle in the tank and leans against the van with his phone.''

Millie: Thank you kindly. Come on Mox! We got a lead!

''Moxxie and Millie get back into the van. Moxxie speeds forward, taking of the biker’s head and exploding the gas station. The roof falls to the side.''

(Text messages between Stolas and Blitzo)

Stolas: I’M SORRY IF ANYTHING I SAID OR DID MAY HAVE OFFENDED YOU TONIGHT.

Blitzo: ITZ WUTEVS

Stolas: NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER, MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT OZZIE’S?

Blitzo: Y?

Stolas: ''I’M SORRY! NEVERMIND, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU SEEMED VERY UPSET AND YOU TOOK OFF SO FAST. BUT MAYBE I READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT, I’M GLAD IF THAT’S NOT THE CASE. I WASN’T UPSET EITHER, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN’T AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN HANDLE ANY STUPID JOKE A CLOWN CAN MAKE. ASMODEUS CAN BE VERY INVASIVE IN HIS HUMOR, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY MYSELF. WHAT HE SAID ABOUT ME AT LEAST, I ENJOY BEING THE SUBJECT OF JEST. MAYBE YOU CAN SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME TOO NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER.''

IF YOU WANT?

Blitzo: SHUR

Stolas: THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH VIA TODAY, YOU WERE GREAT IN THAT HUMAN SHOW.

Blitzo: NP

Stolas: ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT WITH THE BOOK?

Blitzo: LYKE OLWAYS

Stolas: ''IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE COMING, THAT’S OK! I’M SURE I CAN DO WITHOUT IT FOR ONE MONTH. :)''

Blitzo: K

Stolas: ''DO YOU PLAN TO VISIT TOMORROW? I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN BUSY, AND WORKING HARD. MAYBE IF YOU’D PREFER, WE CAN SKIP THE BEDROOM AND JUST RELAX, MAYBE? I’M SURE YOU NEED A BREAK.''

Blitzo: WUTEVR YOU WANT, ITS UR NIGHT

Stolas: ''IF YOU’RE NOT UP FOR IT, OR TOO TIRED, THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE. NO PRESSURE, I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING WITH THE GRIMOIRE TILL NEXT MONTH.''

Blitzo: MAE BEE

Stolas: ''MAYBE INSTEAD OF OUR USUAL ARRANGEMENT ON THE FULL MOON WE COULD PROPERLY CATCH UP THIS WEEK? MAYBE MONDAY?''

Blitzo: I MITE B BSUY

Stolas: I WOULDN’T WANT TO BOTHER YOU!

YOU CAN ALWAYS DROP OFF THE BOOK ON THE FULL MOON AND I CAN LEAVE IT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING…

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

Blitzo: K

Blitzo: GIT BEVVER SWOON :(

Stolas: ''THANK YOU, BLITZ, THAT MEANS A LOT. I MIGHT BE HERE FOR A WHILE, IF YOU EVER WANT TO VISIT. (purple heart emoji)''

Blitzy is typing… (nothing shows up)