Scrambled Eggs/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Scrambled Eggs". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. [We open with a shot of Keekee asleep on the sofa, with Charlie, Vaggie and Razzle and Dazzle putting up a banner that reads "Happy first week, Sir Pentious!]

Charlie: That looks perfect! Aah! I am so excited that Sir Pentious is staying at the hotel!

Vaggie: Um...Pentious was just trying to take over the city with his weird steampunk bullshit a few days ago.

Charlie: Well, I haven't seen him try to pull any of that here.

[Sir Pentious comes in, rolling in a new machine that his Egg Boiz are sitting on]

Vaggie: What the hell is that?

Sir Pentious: Oh, hello, purple female. It's my new invention, the Skin Flayer 11,000! I'm really looking forward to shooting the other residents.

Charlie: What? Why?

Sir Pentious: Everyone is being too nice. Obviously it must be a lie. I can sense that they are planning to kill me, but when? How? I must be prepared! Ooh, the new parts of my machine are here.

''[ Odette and Clara come in, wheeling in boxes of weapons. Pentious runs over to them]''

Odette: *holds out clipboard* Sign, please.

[Sir Pentious signs the clipboard while Clara wheels in the boxes]

Odette: Thank you for your business. Enjoy your Carmine purchase. *walks out with Clara*

Vaggie: Carmine? As in Carmilla Carmine? You are buying parts from an overlord?

Sir Pentious: Uh, of course. She's the top weapons dealer in Hell.

Vaggie: Okay, well that stops right now. *takes Pentious's boxes*

Sir Pentious: Hey!

Vaggie: You absolutely cannot build weapons in this hotel. No one is trying to kill you. People are being nice because they want you to feel welcome.

''[Sir Pentious looks at Vaggie with a wry expression. The camera pans to Husk downing a bottle in the bar, who flips off Sir Pentious. Angel Dust, standing near the bar on his phone, does the same. Niffty, who is dusting a corner of the wall, looks at him and does a sinister-sounding giggle]''

Sir Pentious: Hmm...I have my doubts.

Vaggie: Well, it's true. You have to trust us.

Sir Pentious: But I don't.

Charlie: Well, why don't we focus on that for today's activities?

Vaggie: Not before we lay some ground rules. No more building weapons, no more plotting against the other guests, and you need to get rid of these things. *points at Egg Boiz*

[2 Egg Boiz, having a tug-of-war over a laser, accidentally set it off and blow a hole in the roof]

Vaggie: Oh! What did I just say? What did I just say?

Sir Pentious: What? Not my little egg boiz. *hugs Egg Boiz* They do my evil bidding for me!

Vaggie: Do you want to stay here and redeem yourself?

Sir Pentious: *narrows eyes* Yes.

Vaggie: Then no more eggs.

Sir Pentious: *with tears in his eyes* All right, eggies. You've got to go. I *sobs* can't keep you anymore!

Egg Boiz: Okay, boss. *they all follow Vaggie as she wheels Pentious' boxes away*

Sir Pentious: No, don't resist. This is how it has to be!

''[Sir Pentious begins crying as he watches his Egg Boiz walking away. Charlie, looking awkward, pats his shoulder]''

''[The scene changes to show Alastor in his room, eating a deer carcass with a knife and fork while jazz music plays in the background. Suddenly, the jazz music stops with a record-scratching sound]''

Vaggie: Alastor!

[Alastor looks surprised for a second and his eyes go from the deer carcass on the table to Vaggie]

Alastor: Do you mind? I'm in the middle of breakfast.

Vaggie: Pentious' eggs are all over the place, and I need you to get rid of them.

Alastor: *throws away knife and fork, stands up and summons microphone* Oh, well, in that case, I'd be delighted to!

Vaggie: Humanely!

Alastor: Hmm. Well, that's a lot less fun *eyes glow red and the x appears on his forehead*, but I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today. *walks out of the room*

Vaggie: Great! *looks at deer carcass* That looks disgusting.

''[The scene changes back to the hotel foyer, where Charlie and the rest of the hotel's residents, minus Alastor, are, with all of them except for Charlie and Vaggie sitting on a sofa. Behind Charlie and Vaggie is a stage with a banner on it that reads "Trusting 101"]''

Charlie: Hi, guys. Thanks for coming! It's been brought our attention that there may be a little...tension in the hotel.

[Sir Pentious grabs Niffty with his tail and makes to shoot her with his ray gun, but Vaggie snatches it out of his hands before he can]

Vaggie: Tension that can be counterproductive to what we're trying to do here.

Charlie: We think this group can really benefit from...

[The background goes to yellow and Charlie and Vaggie go flying up into the air]

Charlie: Trust exercises!

Vaggie: Trust exercises *begins falling* ah, shit!

''[Vaggie falls on the floor as the yellow background cracks and breaks. Charlie pulls Vaggie to her feet]''

Charlie: Vaggie, we rehearsed this. *to everyone else* We're doing trust exercises!

Husk: So, uh, what's with the whole, uhh...this? *gestures to the stage behind Charlie and Vaggie* I'm not about to put on some show for these fucking chumps.

Angel: Oh, I will *puts feet on Husk's legs*, but it's cash up front, and I know that one *points at Pentious* can't afford me.

Sir Pentious: Gross! I'd never think of it, spider!

Vaggie: Right, well, let's get started. Charlie?

Charlie: Actually, I thought maybe you could take the lead on this one. I trust everyone, so maybe you know better on how to build it properly! *walks over to stand by Husk, Niffty, Pentious and Angel*

Vaggie: What? Uhh, I don't know if I'm qualified, uh...

Charlie: Oh, come on. It'll be easy! I'm sure you can handle this.

Vaggie: Yeah...um, ''*looks at them. All of them are looking grumpy except for Charlie and Niffty*'' Sure, I can handle this. No problem.

[Vaggie takes a deep breath and walks down one side of the stage]

Vaggie: *drill seargant style* All, right, so we are starting with trust falls! Each of you are going to share something vulnerable with the group about yourself and then fall backwards, while the rest of the group catches you. Got it? Who wants to go first?

Charlie: *raises hand* Ooh, ooh, me me me! Me! Me!

Vaggie: All right, get on up here.

[Charlie runs past Vaggie and onto the stage]

Charlie: I...love you guys. Like, really, really love you. *falls backwards*

[Vaggie runs forward and catches Charlie]

Vaggie: Gotcha!

Charlie: That...felt...good! Angel, why don't you go next?

Angel: Fine. *walks onto the stage*

Vaggie: This time everyone needs to catch him, okay? Unless you want me to hurt you.

Angel: Somethin' about myself, huh? How about this? I LOVE to suck-

Husk: I swear to fuck if you say dicks!

Angel: -popsicles, ya sicko! Get your mind out of the gutter!

''[Angel falls backwards. Husk catches him]''

Angel: But, you know, dicks too!

[Husk drops him]

Angel: *to Pentious* All, right, new guy, you're up.

''[The room goes dark and a melodramatic music plays. A spotlight shines on Pentious]''

Sir Pentious: I...don't want to live without my minions. Nobody catch me! *falls backwards*

[Vaggie and Charlie catch him together]

Sir Pentious: Damn it.

Vaggie: That's great. Wow, you are slimy. *drops Pentious* Okay, good job. Uh, Niffty.

[Niffty runs past them onto the stage, giggling manically]

Niffty: Sometimes, I kill mother-bugs in front of their children as a warning to others!

''[Niffty flings herself off of the stage. The others actively move out of the way to let her fall]''

Niffty: *falls on her face* Yay! Pain!

''[Niffty, giggling, runs back onto the stage to jump off again. Charlie and Vaggie walk off to talk privately]''

Charlie: I don't know if this is really working the way we'd hoped. Maybe we should-

Vaggie: Honey, you have to trust me here. I got this, okay? I'll figure something out.

[Angel appears behind them]

Angel: If you're in the market for some ideas, I've got just the thing for some "trust buildin'".

Vaggie: *sighs* What do you have in mind?

''[The scene changes to show a street in Pentagram City. Alastor is walking down the street, closely followed by Pentious' Egg Boiz]''

Egg Boiz: Oh, boy! What's the plan, boss? I like your suit! What are the antlers for? Can I touch your staff thing? Are those your ears or is it your hair? I can't tell!

''[Alastor's eye twitches as he walks down the street, a pained smile on his face. A shadowy person watches him from behind, before appearing in front of him]''

Zestial: Hark, Alastor. How fare thee this day?

[Alastor makes a radio static sound effect, looking slightly scared]

Egg Boi: Who's that, boss? Want me to rough him up for you?

Alastor: Follow in silence if you value your shell! *taps Egg Boi's shell with his cane before turning back to Zestial*  Greetings, Zestial!

[A demon comes out from an alleyway and sees Alastor and Zestial]

Demon: Oh, holy shit!

Zestial: Ah, the weather, doth become this fine day.

Alastor: Indeed, looks like we might have some acid rain this afternoon!

[A demon, seeing Zestial, pours gasoline over himself and sets himself on fire]

Zestial: If our luck doth hold! I do revel in the screams. How art thou? *begins walking down the street with Alastor* It has been an age since thou hath graced us thy presence. Some hath spun wild tales of you falling to...holy arms.

Alastor: *laughs* Oh, I just took a well-earned sabbatical, nothing serious. *adjusts bow tie and coat in a window reflection* Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes! *laughs as a laughing sound effect plays from his microphone*

Zestial: *chuckles* There too hath been rumours of thy involvement with the princess and her recent flight of fancy. TELL ME, *cloak flares open briefly* how does thou fall in such folly?

Alastor: *spins cane* That is for me to know. But please, do guess, I'd love to know the theories! *continues walking*

Zestial: *chuckles* T'would be grander folly by far to assume the workings of your mind, Alastor. Thou hath been naught but an enigma since thy manifested in this realm.

Alastor: Coming from someone as ancient as you, I take that as quite the compliment!

''[Alastor, Zestial and the Egg Boiz walk into an alleyway with a row of lifts and get into one. The Egg Boiz attempt to follow, but Alastor blocks them with his cane]''

Alastor: No, no. I have a very important task for you. Stay here and guard the front until I return.

[The Egg Boiz salute and the lift begins its ascent]

Egg Boi: Oh, look. Frank is up there. *points to the lift, where one Egg Boi is inside, pounding on the glass*

Another Egg Boi: We have names?

''[The lift reaches the top of the building and opens, where Alastor, Zestial and Frank walk out. Frank watches as other Overlords come out of other lifts and go into another room. Frank follows them in and stands near Alastor's seat. The overlord sitting next to Alastor turns to look at Frank and he waves. The overlord smiles widely at him, showing her pointed, knife-like teeth. Frank hides behind Alastor's chair as another overlord walks to the head of the table]''

Carmilla Carmine: Welcome, Hell sovereign overlords. I've invited you all here because you represent the controlling powers of our city. Together, you own millions of souls. Souls at risk with the new Extermination schedule. *pounds fist on table* We need to discuss what can be done to minimise the impact to our interest.

[Zestial takes his seat]

Carmilla: Zestial, so good to see you, my friend.

Zestial: *summons teacup and saucer* Enchanted as always, Carmilla.

Carmilla: *notices Alastor* Alastor?

Alastor: Yes, I know I've been absent some time. I'm sure you've all been wondering!

Carmilla: Not really. But welcome back in any case.

[Alastor narrows his eyes and looks offended in Carmilla's general direction]

Carmilla: This year's Extermination was brutal, far even more than years past. We have assessed that about 16% of the population was lost *slide is projected onto the wall behind her* With the angelic legions now returning twice as quickly, I think it prudent we-

[Carmilla is interrupted as Velvette opens the door and walks in, on the phone]

Velvette: Yes, I've got it handled, Vox. Are you doubting me? Really? Me? That's what I thought. *laughs* Yes, I know. They're all a joke.*laughs* Thank you, V. See you soon. Kisses, darling.*hangs up and sits down at the opposite end to Carmilla*

Carmilla: Nice of you to join us, Velvette. Will your...colleagues be joining?

Velvette: No, they have better things to do than to listen to an old windbag who thinks she's tough shit. I'm here to represent.

Carmilla: Charming.