Exes and Oohs/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Exes and Oohs". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. [''The scene opens with an exterior shot of I.M.P. Headquarters. Cut to a Scene inside the office with Moxxie holding a mug, and Loona texting on her phone. Moxxie looks around.'']

Moxxie: You know, I checked the scale today. (inhales) And it said I lost two pounds this week.

[Loona looks at Moxxie, then rolls her eyes back to her phone, indicating what little interest she has in Moxxie's comment, much to his annoyance.]

Moxxie: I. Am not. FAT!

[''Cut to the front door kicked open by a furious Millie as she stomps around the office, mumbling angrily. Passing Loona, she hits a button entitled, "Nut button!" that summons a cardboard cutout of a human saying, "Hi I'm a Hooman!" then throws a knife and lunges at said cutout. Moxxie looks at her, disturbed.'']

Moxxie: Millie, honey. Is everything okay?

[Millie hisses back at Moxxie, disturbing him even more, but she manages to calm down.]

Millie: Yeah. I just, bumped into an ex.

Moxxie: Oh! Oh...

Millie: He just kept going on about how he has money now, "a bright future," and "a bigger cock."

Moxxie: Wait, what?

Millie: (yelling) Every time I see his stupid face, I can't help it! I just need to--

[''Millie punches a filing cabinet in frustration. Blitzo enters the room shortly after.'']

Blitzo: What the fuck is all this noise?! I got a client!

Moxxie: Sorry, sir. I'll get this all cleaned-- (holds a photo of two imps in horse suits) what is this?

Blitzo: Uh... research! For science! Just put it back correctly, okay, I alphabetized them. [walks back into his office] Okay, so let me get this straight: you don't want us going to Earth at all for this job?

[Cut to the inside of a mansion, with a businessman holding a lit cigar, and his chair facing a green fireplace.]

Client: Correct. That will not be necessary. I'd like to meet you and your whole crew at my estate.

Blitzo: Uh, you want us killing someone in hell, 'cause I gotta tell ya, that ain't exactly our business no more.

Client: I'll tell ya all about it when you get here. (smokes cigar) It's in regards to a business venture I'm sure will be very worth *through the phone* your time.

Blitzo: Ooh, how ominous. *chuckles* Fine, whatever, what's the address?

Client: Transportation has already *through the phone* been taken care of.

[''Blitzo notices a helicopter in front of his building. He runs to the office Moxxie and Millie are in to find the helicopter before the main window.'']

Blitzo: What the fuck is that?

[''The helicopter shoots a grappling hook under the window, breaking the wall. Loona looks on without a word.'']

Blitzo: Satan's ass crack! Enough with the walls, shit, we have a door!

[With the damaged walls, a wind gusts all the photos Blitzo had been saving.]

Blitzo: My research!!

[''Two imp children grab one of the photos and are visibly disgusted; one is crying, and the other is vomiting from the result. The helicopter approaches Blitzo, creating a bridge for them to walk upon, and the pilot steps out.'']

Pilot: I.M.P.? Right this way, please!

[Moxxie points a gun toward him, while Millie holds a knife.]

Moxxie: Uh, sir? What's going on?

Blitzo: Now, don't worry! It's just some fancy shmuck from Greed wanting to do business with us.

[Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie walk toward the helicopter.]

Moxxie: Uh, sir, I don't think this is a good idea.

Blitzo: It'll be fine. Now get your asses moving.

[Blitzo pushes Moxxie and Millie into the helicopter, and as she tries to buckle herself in, Millie notices her seatbelt is broken.]

Millie: Is this thing safe?!

Pilot: Don't worry, we are professionals!

[''However, they were NOT careful as they then take out a huge chunk of a wall as they fly off. Later, the very same helicopter is seen flying out of a hanger in the Greed Ring as they fly over Loo Loo Land, which is going under reconstruction, along with other carnage as they fly over a sign reading, "Welcome to Nomafia Town; No mafia here! We're Mafia-free!"'']

Moxxie: *disdained groan* I hate this place.

Blitzo: Oh yeah, this is your old stomping ground, isn't it, Mox?

Moxxie: Yeah, unfortunately. I grew up just over there, swore I'd never come back, and-- uh... uh-- what-- what, where are we going?

[The helicopter starts changing direction, as Moxxie grows more and more anxious.]

Moxxie: What-- Blitz... who did you say this meeting was with?

Blitzo: I'm not sure, just some rich somebody or other who wants to do biz at his place.

[The helicopter finally lands, and Moxxie grows heavily worried after realizing where he's landed.]

Moxxie: Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

[''The place in question is revealed to be a huge mansion, dark smoke fuming through both chimneys. Moxxie shivers in fear of the place, as Blitzo shoves him to move forward.'']

Client: [off-screen] There he is!

[The client moves out the doorway, being visible on screen.]

Client: There's my boy! Get over here and hug your daddy!

Blitzo and Millie: "Daddy?!"

Client: I only let Moxxie call me that... unless you pay me! (laughs)

Moxxie: Guys, (clears throat) this is my father, Crimson. Sir, this is my boss, Blitz. And my--

Millie: Millie! I'm his wife!

[Millie takes her hand to greet Crimson as she accepts.]

Crimson: And what a beautiful wife you are. [he kisses Millie's hand] Mox, where have you been hiding this pretty little thang?

Millie: Oh, I'm sure he would've introduced us... eventually.

Crimson: Oh, I'm sure. You gotta be Blitz, with the silent "o", right? I've heard a lot of good things about you and your work.

Blitzo: Really? What kind of shit has Moxxie been spreading about me? I'll fucking kill you Moxxie, don't you fucking test me!

Crimson: No, no! From all over. Looks like you're building a bit of a name for yourself here, kid.

Blitzo: Really? *chuckles* Well, I guess it's about time folks recognized my talent.

Crimson: *laughs* I like your attitude. Well, I hope you're all hungry. We put together a fabulous dinner for you.

Millie: Hey baby, why haven't I met your Pa before?

Moxxie: *nervously* Well uh, y'know, i-it's just, never been a--

Crimson: Hey! You two, move it before it gets cold.

Moxxie: Look, look, Millie, we can talk about it later.

[''Millie takes Moxxie's, and both enter the house with Blitz. Crimson's smile fades before he snaps his fingers and enters the house. The two men standing at the door follow him inside, closing the door behind them. Inside, Crimson prepares a drink for Blitzo.'']

Crimson: So, Blitzo, ya always been a hitman?

Blitzo: No, no, not always. Yeah, *takes the drink from Crimson* I was in the circus for a long time.

Crimson: Show business! *sits down* Good money in that.

[Everyone sits in the room in an awkward silence]

Moxxie: What are we doing here, sir?

Crimson: Moxxie, I raised you better than that. *lights cigar* Ya know there's no business before dinner. Besides, we're still waitin' on one more.

[Suddenly, the last guest kicks his way into the house, making an entrance]

Guest: Woo-hoo-hoo, what is up, party people?!

Millie and Moxxie: Chaz?! *to each other* Wait... What?!

Moxxie: You know him?!

Millie: *she groans and slaps her forehead* You remember that "ex" I was talking about?

[Chaz walks over and hugs Moxxie and Millie]

Chaz: Looks like I got two big sex reunions today. *singing* How lucky am I?!

Millie: *surprised* Did you date him too?!

Chaz: Ha, yeah. No big deal, but I usually bone half the people in any room I'm in--

Blitzo: *angrily* Are you fucking kidding me?! There's someone who's fucked both of you?!

[Moxxie pushes Chaz's arms off of himself and Millie]

Moxxie: *bitterly* It was a long time ago.

Chaz: But I still remember it like it was yesterday. You, a fledgling mafioso! Me, the dashing and extremely sexy muscle! It was like *fondly* it was written in the stars.

Blitzo: Ha! Moxxie in the mafia, that's fucking rich.

[''Blitzo then notices all of the items in the room to back up Chaz's story: A photo of Crimson and a mob boss, the many trophies of hellbeasts hanging on the wall, and a framed family painting of Crimson, a younger Moxxie, and Moxxie's mother, as if posing like a mob family, hanging over the fireplace. Blitzo hears a knock on the door and looks, just in time for Crimson's goons to enter carrying a body bag.'']

Blitzo: Oh shit.

Millie: *concerned* You've never told me this before.

Moxxie: I don't like to talk about this part of my life. But, *dramatically* I first saw Chaz at my induction...

[flashback to Moxxie's time in the mob. Moxxie gets a handshake and a kiss from Crimson, welcoming him into the business. Moxxie looks around the room and stops upon seeing Chaz grinning and applauding at him. Moxxie blushes at the attention Chaz is giving him]

Moxxie: *VO* ''...in the family. Our eyes met from across the room. And there was just something about him... something that was... magnetic!''

[''Moxxie finds himself hiding behind a car in the middle of a mob turf war. He throws away the Tommy gun and pulls out a grenade, but it slips out of his hands before he can pull the pin. Moxxie runs after it and catches it the same moment that Chaz grabs it, touching his hand. Both share a smile before Moxxie picks up the grenade, pulls the pin, and throws it away. Chaz and Moxxie stare fondly at each other as the grenade explodes in the distance, the smoke forming the shape of a heart. The scene switches over to Moxxie greeting Chaz at the door. Chaz is holding signs that he lets fall from his hands. The signs say "TELL YOUR DAD IT'S A SALESMAN" "I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU" and "MOKSIE, WILL YOU BONE WITH ME?" Moxxie blushes fondly and lets Chaz in. Another scene has Moxxie polishing a rifle when Chaz comes up from behind and assists. Moxxie grows aroused by the interaction. In another scene, Moxxie poses nude, except for a necklace and his socks, on the couch while Chaz paints him before the flashback fades back to the present.'']

Moxxie: It's been 84 years...

Blitzo: *confused* Isn't that from that "boat" movie?

Millie: Did any of that stuff happen?

Chaz: Oh yeah! *licks lips* But he skipped over the jizz-covered parts.

Moxxie: Anyway. Things changed when we went on a heist together.

[''flashback to the heist, Moxxie, carrying the money, is running with Chaz to the exit as the security gate begins to drop. Moxxie throws the money out of the bank and catches the gate with his shoulders to give Chaz time to slide under. Moxxie tries to escape but his leg and tail are caught under the gate when it drops to the floor. After struggling to get out he turns to Chaz for help. Chaz suddenly hears the police sirens and grabs the money, giving Moxxie a final look before running off, leaving Moxxie devastated. Moxxie is thrown inside a jail cell. He sadly climbs into the bottom bunk of the bed.'']

Cellmate: So what're you in for?

[Moxxie quietly pulls his tail closer to him. His cellmate, Blitzo, is lying on the top bunk]

Blitzo: Okay, not much of a talker, are you? *hops down and shakes Moxxie's hand* ''I'm Blitzo, the "o" is silent. I'm sure we're gonna get along just fine. So, what's your deal? What'd you do? Who'd you diddle? You look like someone good with a gun. You look like someone who could shoot up an office *Moxxie attempts to speak* and I hope you are 'cuz I got a plan to get us out of this dump but I'm gonna need some help, you think you can give me a hand? I need to get out to my daughter. The babysitter will kill me if I don't get back soon...''

[''Moxxie tearfully smiles as Blitzo continues talking about his escape plan. The scene returns to the present day.'']

Moxxie: Once I got out, I never looked back.

[''Blitzo sits worryingly as Millie glares and growls viciously toward a nervous-looking Chaz. Crimson frowns in his chair.'']

Chaz: Well, heh, as you said, it was a long time ago. *chuckles nervously*

Millie: *foaming at the mouth, furiously* I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!

[''Millie leaps onto the top of the couch, missing Chaz as her knife pierces through the fabric. Chaz hides behind Crimson's chair.'']

Chaz: Whoa, the fuck! Crazy bitch.

[Millie tries to lunge at Chaz again but is intercepted by Moxxie and Blitzo, Crimson stands in between I.M.P and Chaz as Millie holds up her knife.]

Crimson: Hey, hey hey, hey hey! Hey, hey hold it!

Millie: *to Chaz* You're gonna die, bitch!

[the maid enters the room]

Maid: *french accent* Dinner is served.

[''Everyone is seated in the dining room. Millie is viciously cutting through her food but the room is completely silent.'']

Blitzo: Well, this is aggressively uncomfortable.

Crimson: I suppose you wanna know why you're here.

Blitzo: Yeah, so what gives? You know we kill people on Earth, right? We don't normally do contracts for locals so, if you wanna do business with us, you gotta-

Crimson: I don't wanna do business with I.M.P, I wanna do business with Moxxie.

Moxxie: *stops cutting his food* ME?!

Crimson: Yeah, kid. I only summoned I.M.P. to be sure you'd show. Because, well, we're bringin' Chaz into the family.

[Chaz smirks while raising his eyebrows]

Moxxie: What? Since when can just anyone join the family?

Crimson: Come on, Mox. You had responsibilities here that *bitterly* I had to pick up once you left. Now Chaz is going to lighten the load.

Moxxie: Wait, thought you always hated his guts.

Crimson: *Chaz looks confused* Well, I don't that I exactly 'hated' him.

Moxxie: You called him a "friendless horse-fucker" and said we lived a "sissy lifestyle".

Crimson: Yeah, well I was wrong. You've been gone a long time, Mox. A man can change. And so has Chaz.

Chaz: Yeah. I've grown, matured, and, recently, came into millions! *shifty eyes* But, y'know, mostly the "mature" thing.

Blitzo: Ohh okay, okay. So the "horseless friend-fucker" over here gets a little moolah and suddenly, it's worth wasting our time over?

Chaz: Well, I'm the whole "package" if you know what I mean. *I.M.P. is speechless* I got a big dick.

Millie: *annoyed* But what does any of this hafta do with Moxxie?

Crimson: *sets down utensils* There's gonna be a ceremony tomorrow. Moxxie here is going to officially release his holdings in the organization. Then you can get back to *bitterly* ignoring your family to your heart's content.

Millie: *stands up* Maybe he wouldn't "ignore his family" if they didn't force him to rub elbows with a no-good, shark-toothed FUCK FACE!

[''Chaz grins at Millie. Millie points a knife at his neck, threateningly'']

Crimson: "Ey, look, everybody, relax. I know tensions have been high tonight. Say, why don't you stay here and get some rest? We'll have the ceremony tomorrow and then you will be free to leave. I have your rooms all prepared.

Moxxie: *Millie is about to object* Yes sir.

Millie: Mox?

[I.M.P and Chaz begin to leave the room]

Crimson: A moment, Moxxie.

Moxxie: Just give me a minute, Millie. I'll be there.

[''Millie looks on with worry as Moxxie steps back inside the dining room. Chaz tries to lean into Millie but jumps back when Millie growls and tries to bite him. The goons close the door behind them as they leave, leaving Moxxie alone with Crimson.'']

Crimson: So, you think you're too good for this family now?

Moxxie: What?

Crimson: C'mere.

[Moxxie approaches Crimson]

Moxxie: I-I don't understand.

[Crimson stands up and backhands Moxxie in the face, knocking him down.]

Crimson: *angrily* You think you're gonna just get to walk away from this family and never come back?! You're dead wrong, Mox! *he grabs Moxxie* As a matter of fact, the only thing you're right about is that obnoxious piss-stain can't get made. Not unless he marries in!

Moxxie: "Marries?" But, but who would marry--?

Crimson: Who do you think?! *he lets go of Moxxie and sits back down* This family needs that money and it's about time your pathetic ass was useful for something!

Moxxie: Sir, I'm already married. I-I can't-

Crimson: You think I give a shit about your stupid beard?! C'mon Mox, I even went through the trouble of makin' the house more to your kind's liking.

[''Crimson presses a button on the table and bouncing dildos appear from the dining chairs, the walls, vases, and even behind a potted plant in the corner. A party ball hanging from the ceiling opens, pouring out confetti, revealing a banner that says "CONGRADULATIONS GAY" and a trumpet fanfare.'']

Moxxie: Wait... What? What do you think I'm into?

Crimson: What? This is the kind of shit gays like, right?

Moxxie: First of all, Dad: I'm bisexual.

Crimson: Yeah. Gay.

Moxxie: Oh, for fuck sake! Secondly *he holds out a hand to block a dildo from hitting his face* I don't know a single person of any sexuality who would enjoy this.

Blitzo: *from the other room* Ha! There're dicks on the walls! *Moxxie frowns* Oh, that is hilarious!

Crimson: *he grabs Moxxie by the face* Look at me, kid. One way or another, you're gonna do what I fucking say. Don't cross me.

[''Moxxie reflects on his childhood. A child Moxxie was struggling to cut his steak at the dinner table. His mother gently takes the plate and cuts the steak for him. She smiles sweetly at Moxxie and he smiles back at her. Crimson glares at Moxxie. Moxxie takes the plate and begins eating his dinner. Crimson tries to rub his leg against his wife's. She quickly pulls her leg away from Crimson. Crimson stomps his leg in frustration.'']

[''Another memory shows Moxxie shooting three bullseyes in the shooting range. His mother ruffles his head proudly. Suddenly a goon grabs Moxxie and rushes him away from his mother and toward another shooting range. Two goons prep a live target as Crimson hands Moxxie a gun and point to it. Moxxie slowly takes aim but his mother takes the gun out of his hands and pushes it into Crimson's hands before grabbing her son and walking away. Crimson glares at the disrespect.'']

[''Moxxie now hides underneath the bed as his parents argue. A slap is heard and his mother walks out of the room. Later, only Crimson and Moxxie are at the dinner table. Moxxie struggles to cut his steak and then looks at his father. Crimson glares at Moxxie, who then goes back to trying to cut his food. Crimson takes a drag from his cigar and blows the smoke in Moxxie's face.'']

[''Later on, Crimson and Moxxie take a boat ride on the lake with a passenger. Crimson places a cinderblock that the passenger's tail is tied to on the side of the boat over the edge and gestures for Moxxie to push it. Moxxie looks at the cinderblock, then the pleading passenger, and backs away only for Crimson to push him back into the cinderblock. Teary-eyed, Moxxie takes one last look at the passenger while pushing the cinderblock overboard, sending the victim into the lake with it. Moxxie watches as the air bubbles fade. Crimson preps another body over the side of the boat.'']

Crimson: *flashback* Let this be a lesson, Moxxie.

[Crimson gestures to the lake, filled with hats, bags, shoes, and light articles that belonged to previous victims thrown into the water.]

Crimson: *flashback* This is what happens when you cross me.

[''A high heel that resembles the ones Moxxie's mother wore floats to the surface. The scene returns to the present day.'']

Crimson: Now get to bed Moxxie. You have a big day tomorrow.

[Crimson lets go of Moxxie]

Moxxie: *fearfully* Yes, sir.

Crimson: Oh, and Mox, you ever talk back to me again, *Moxxie backs up to the door* you and that pretty little thang you brought here are goin' home in boxes. Capeesh?

Moxxie: Yes, sir.

[Moxxie quickly finds the doorknob and steps out of the room, leaving Crimson alone in the dining room covered with bouncing dildos.]