MAMMON'S MAGNIFICENT MUSICAL MID-SEASON SPECIAL (ft Fizzarolli)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "MAMMON'S MAGNIFICENT MUSICAL MID-SEASON SPECIAL (ft Fizzarolli)". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

ANNOUNCER: Alright, folks! Give it up for the king of all things greeeen!

Hell's number one clown! The money-maker himself!

The sin you all looove most: Mammon, King of Greeeed!

- Heya, implings! How're you little [HONK] doing tonight?

I hope you're ready for the best fucking show you will ever see in your shit lives!

[Chanting] Mammon, Mammon, Mammon! Right. I got tons of really fuckin' cool shit for you 'ere tonight, but first,

How many of you worthless bitches wanna be big clowns like me someday?

FIZZAROLLI: I do, I do! BLITZO: Me, me, me, me, me! - Well, I'm happy to announce that I will be starting up a new, yearly

clown pageant! CROWD: YEEEAAAHH!! MAMMON: You know- Like one 'a them fucked up beauty contests But for clowns, so it's better!

Just for all you aspiring, clown kids out there! A new chance to work with me, Mammon!

MAMMON: And be the new face of my clown-ish brand! I can't wait to see all the new talent I can exploi- u-um- fuck.

Wait, I mean enjoy [nervous laughter] uh, watching me grow my empire! Also, if you're a chick, maybe give up on your dreams now.

Cause I'm not gonna lie: women just ain't funny. ANYWAY! My plan is to find the new face of my brand, YEAH!

So they gotta bring the good shit! The winner will get to be like the son I never had, and I'll be like the stepdad that will love you when it's convenient!

- Wow! - You might be a lunchbox, an action figure, Saturday morning cartoon.

Hell, I might even make a sex robot of ya! I don't know! I mean, if we'll make money, sure. But it's not weird.

You're weird, you sick fuck! And if you say it's explolitation, fuck you!

It's not exploitation! If you think that then you're a dickhead. Anyway, CLOWNS!!

CROWD: ALRIGHT LET'S GO, YEEAAA- BLITZO: Alright, I'm gonna say it That was too many clowns.

- I have to win that pageant someday. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to get to work with him?

- What's the point? Isn't being the star of our imp circus enough? Plenty of people already know who you are, Fizz. You don't need to go work for Mammon like some

creepy mascot. - It's not about that! It's getting to work with my idol. I just love that he's giving someone new the chance to be in the spotlight!

He's an inspiration. - Well he's- definitely something alright. I mean I dunno, was it worth all our savings just to have him put on an over-hyped commercial,

and then bitch about taxes, and then assault us with clowns, vomit, and pass out on stage? - [Laughs] So worth it!

[Sighs] Blitzo, do you think I could win if I worked really hard? - I think...

I think if anyone's gonna be the new clown face on everything- [laughs] it'll be you, Fizz.

FAN: Holy shit, you're Fizzarolli! Oh MAN! Your stuff is great!!

- [Nervously] Oh- hey there. Thank you, I appreciate that. Woah- oh- okay.

- After seeing your shows, I wanted to get into clown performing, too! I'm really good!!

- [Awkward chuckling] - Hey aren't you that creep who's always trying to sniff around our dressing rooms? - I have the best idea for a duo performance between us, that should spice up your act.

Picture this: We start it like a romantic, ballroom dance or a-

BLITZO: Dude, weird fuckin' pitch. Fuck off! - I was talking to the clown, asshole!

I'm sorry Fizzie, I'm not normally so aggressive, I promise. I've just waited my whole life for an opportunity like this!

With your fame, and my raw, undiscovered talent, I know we can- - Hey shit-dick, beat it now or I'll make ya swallow your fangs!

Fizz! You don't want me to leave, right? Tell him you don't want me to go! FIZZAROLLI: I- uhm-

We have to go now. Thanks though! - Eugh! Fiiizz! FIZZAROLLIIII!

FAN: Fine! Fuck you! You think you're better than me you elitist prick? Your act's fucking trash anyways! - [interrupting] Cheeeese and hot sauce Fizz,

your fans are something else. - What if my acts are trash? What if I'm never good enough?

- Hey, hey don't let one asshole get to you, 'kay? You're- you are plenty good enough. - But I have to be perfect. [Blitzo groans] Do you?

- I'll just have to keep practicing, and someday, maybe, I'll be good enough for M- - It's me, Mammon!

And I'm here to announce the amazing new brand: Fizzie!! We got a Fizzie for every occasion!

We got fluffy, toy Fizzie, fireman Fizzie, therapist Fizzie, wait in line for you Fizzie,

doctor Fizzie: beeps every time it senses cancer! Fat Fizzie, skinny Fizzie, so many Fizzies!

And if you wanna fuck 'em, you can! We got Fizzies for the kids, Fizzies for the teens,

and Fizzies for you sick, fucking degenerate adults! We got 'em all! All based on my new face, Fizzieee!

- That's me! [Uncomfortable laughter] - Buy yours now! Do it!

- Oh fuck, Mammon is gonna notice that. Ozzie! Where did my foundation go?!

- This is the 10th year in a row you've done this supid pageant, Froggie. And you win everytime!

How come you're always so dead set on this? - I wanna make Mammon proud, okay? He's- really passionate about the craft of clown.

He expects perfection, so I- I gotta be perfect. - Fizz, you ain't perfect! Nobody is!

How abooout, you sit this one out, and let someone else take the spotlight?

You deserve a break. Or a vacation, where you don't have to fend off creeps the entire time.

- [Scoffs] I had to fend of creeps before the robots, I just have thirstier ones, now. Besides, I just- have to do this!

- Lemme rephrase: I don't like how many creeps you have now, thanks to Mammon.

And I don't like designing sex toys with your likeness for him!

Pretty sure you feel the same. - I just don't think about it, a toy is a toy!

Look, Ozz, I'm fine. Working for Mammon is a big deal to me.

He's been my idol since I was five, I can't just- not compete! I'd be letting him down!

Th-the fans down! - Mammon can eat my ass. In a bad way.

Fizz, I've known that guy since the start of Hell, and He. Fucking. Sucks. Always has!

He doesn't even do clown shit anymore. [Sighs] I just don't want you doing all this for someone's approval.

Sometimes heroes let you down. - I know, Ozz. But this- i-is for me.

I don't wanna lose. [Eating sounds]

- [Mouth full] Yello? - Is this- Fizz's former bestie, then lifelong enemy, then recent hero, now newly rekindled sort of friend, Blitzø?

- Ehn, that is a weird way to put it, but eeyup, that's me. - This is Asmodeus. - Oh shit, the big Ozz himself! Heh, is there a reason you're

calling me on the weekend Your sin- sinness? Sinfulness? Sin- [stammering] Royal, big man?

- You've lived rent free in Fizz's head for years, so I can't help feel he values your take on things.

- Yeah I was the one who usually had the stronger opinions. Yeah like, like one time, he tried convincing me that juggling was cool,

but it's only a little cool at best. - Look, he's deadset on re-entering Greed's yearly clown pageant.

- [Sarcastically] Wow, big fucking surprise there. I was hoping to have some- backup in convincing him that this thing is a waste of time.

- What? why? Doesn't he always win? - 'Cause Mammon is a selfish, manipulative, piece of shit!

And Fizz doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him that. - Well my special skills are killing things without giving fucks-

and pointing out people's flaaaws... Alright, count me in!

- Hup- hup- Hey! [Crowd cheering] BLITZØ: Fuck! CROWD: We love you Fizz! Yeah, baby, yeah!!

BLITZØ: Wow, I have not been to a crowd event in years. - Can you remind me why you're here, again? ASMODEUS: I uuuh- invited him.

To help you, with extra security. You know your fans. Since I can't be with you, I felt he'd be the next best thing.

- He'd be the next best thing? - Well he kept you safe when I wasn't able to,

so I trust that. [High-pitched laugh] Ha- hmm. - [Grumbling] Mmm-hmm. L'il sus, babe.

CROWD: You're doing an awesome job, Fizzarolli! BLITZØ: Come on, it's just like old times. I'll make sure no one gives you shit, today.

- You mean besides you? - Aaay, there he is! Now how's my bright, shiny, brand baby doing?

Ready to reclaim your win another year? Yeah? - [Muffled] You know it, Mammon sir. - Goooood, cause, you know,

I saw your competition, and it's pretty stiff, right? You are gonna have to try extra hard like- fixin' that posture.

Not gonna lie, you're looking a bit chungo, yeah? Maybe lose a few so we don't gotta make any more adjustments to the Fizzies.

People like 'em skinny as FUCK. - Oh- right, sir. Of course! I'll work on that.

- What?! - Oh. And who's this dumpster-diver ya got here with ya? BLITZØ: Hi, yes, nice to meet you,

I'm the one who saw through your fake-ass bullshit from the day I had to spend all my savings on the shit covered, dick show you called a performance.

Thanks for that, by the way. - Haha- ha- ignore him, sir. He's uh- he's like this all the time.

He thinks he's funny. - Offended. - Riiight, yeah. You can shut your [HONK] ass mouth, boy.

I'll see you on stage! And don't forget to fuckin' smile Fizzarolli. The smile is the face people like to

seeee froooom you! BLITZØ: Wow that guy sucks so hard.

- Look Blitzø, I don't know why Ozz brought you here, but can you at least not talk back to my boss?!

I need this gig! - Why? Don't you have the world's best sugar daddy? - I just need it, okay?! [Sighs]

Smile inside and out. CROWD: We love you, Fizz!

CROWD: Ready for another win, Fizz? - Oh, pfft- well, I don't wanna assume,

but as always I have an act that's without a doubt gonna- GLITZ: Fucking lose. GLAM: Fucking lose.

[Gasps] - Oooh, fun. You gals gonna be competing as well?

That's really nice. - You can shut up now you fugly imp. - Yeah, see we didn't come to chat. We came to win.

- Wow, what attractive attitudes you got. - Like we care what your opinion is Fizza- ah-

- rotty! - Shut up, I was thinking of one! - Should've been faster. - Whore! - Slow-ass, bitch.

BLITZØ: You know it's pretty telling that you snatches can't even keep your stupid mirror schtick together. It ain't cute.

- We don't need to. - We put our energy towards our performance. - And winning Mammon's favor.

- Oh, well. I look forward to seeing what you do, and may the best clown w- GLAM: We plan to. GLITZ: We plan to. [laughs]

- Win. [Music starts] - Aw man, I didn't a rat's ass about this competition, but Christ on a stick Fizz,

pile drive those sluts. ANNOUNCER: We've certainly got some quality up here tonight, folks.

Will Mr. 10 years running come out on top? Or is it time for fresh meat? ♪ Juggling, it's objectively cool ♪

♪ Our returning champ is nobody's fool ♪ ♪ But what's this? ♪ ♪ The twins bring it up to the wire ♪ ♪ Also, they're on fire ♪

♪ Points for style (Points for style) ♪ ♪ The crowd goes wild (Crowd goes wild) ♪ ♪ It's the pie gag and the twins want a taste, ♪

♪ but what's this? ♪ ♪ It's Fizz in the face ♪ ♪ He takes the cake and he eats it, too ♪ ♪ He's hungry to win, and he's covered in goo ♪

♪ That's point for cream the crowd screams ♪ ♪ Ba-ba-ballons he's pumping them out ♪ ♪ From where I'm sittin' you can hear the crowd ♪

♪ Not give a shit cause the twins are here ♪ ♪ They're full of sin and they're here to win ♪ ♪ Holy moly, things are not looking good for Fizz-a-rolli ♪♪

MAMMON: And now you [HONK], we are down to our clowny finalists.

My very own pride and joy, the marketable son I never had, Fizzarolli!

[Crowd cheering] And the surprisingly funny women act that made me reflect on my earlier statements:

The Glam Sisters! Now we're gonna have a quick meet 'n greet with our finalists,

so fork it over kitties! You know it's worth it! [Manaical laugh]

FIZZAROLLI: Hey Mammon, uh- I may not be uh- i-in the right headspace to interact with the fans right now.

Is it okay if I maybe skip the whole thing? - Psh, of course not. - I just really don't think that I'm really [muffled speaking sounds]

- Aaaw, come on Fizzie my boy. Don't you wanna do this for your fans? Listen to them, [Rabid crowd noises]

they're dying to meet you! Dying to see your little Fizzie face! You gotta make a good impression, mate.

The better the impression, the more they'll want a piece of you they can take home and fuck!

Don't you want that, Fizzie? To be fucked?! - Uhhh, I mean, [stammering]

no, not really actually. - Fizzie, I-I'm not gonna lie, I want that. So come on, just do this one thing for me.

- [Muffled] Okay, sir. - Aw, you're a bloody legend, Fizzie! They're gonna wanna fuck you,

like you're fucking my heart with joooy right now! Now get out there and make me proud,

you stupid, little, [HONK]. [Fizzarolli coughing] BLITZØ: Wow Fizz, you let him talk to you like that?

You got some kinda secret kink I should know about or something? - It's just how he is. - I mean shit, if he talked to me that way,

- [Groans] Ugh, it's fine. Heya folks, where ya from? Oh Lust, love it there, obviously.

Wet dreamsville, hah! Best pharmacies in Hell! Ragesburg well, [Southern accent] Nice to meet cha, partner.

Ha ha, I don't do accents. Fun! Ah, nice to meet you, too! Thank you so much for coming to the show.

[Crowd chanting] Fizz! Fizz! Fizz! Fizz!

- I hope you're excited for the biiig finale! FAN: Boo! Boo! Sellout piece of shit!

- Uh- wh- c-come again? FAN: Ughh, you're act is such fucking trash; always has been.

Except now, I have to see your smug face plastered on everything, everywhere!

And, you can't read all about it on my review blog: fuck-Fizz-but-not-in-a-sexy-way

dot-compainer, dot-com, dot-org, dot-gov. - Hah, well, anyway folks heh.

- You're not even a clown anymore. All you do is work at that overpriced, sleaze joint,

and then every year you come back here to put us through the same tired, old routine.

Is there a single original idea in that head? - I uh- uh- uuuh- [shaky laugh]

- You fucking suck, and so do your products. Your sex-bots can't even get me off right, you know-

[Blitzø grunts] What? Still think you're too good to even talk to me?

Still gotta get this chump to stand in for you? You're fucking pathetic.

To think, what we could've been together if you hadn't been too up your own ass to listen! Ugh!

- Yeah, one more word out of you twat stan Imma blow your head clean open in front of all these fucking kids.

FIZZAROLLI: [Hyperventilating]

- [Manaical laughter] You're not done with me, Fizzarolli.

FIZZAROLLI: [Hyperventilating] - Hey, hey- woah woah, you good? - [Startled scream]

- Yeah, mate? You alright Fizzie?

- Yeah- yeah, yeah I'm fine. I'm- I'm fine, yeah, heh. - Tell you what,

I'll let the hotties go on before ya, give ya some time to get your shit together.

Get your shit together, Fizzie. You're a bloody legend.

You're a bloody legend, ya bitch! BLITZØ: Oh shit, that guy got to you, didn't he?

You know you don't have to- - I do Blitzø, I do. - Fucking hell, Fizz this is stupid. That clown shit is not this important.

- This job is! Without it I'll lose- GLAM: Everything. GLITZ: Everything! [Evil laughter]

- Seriously that guy is a fucking dick, and he's using you for everything

cause you're likable, and he's a fucking trash fire. - No, he's not! He's just trying to make me good enough.

- Good enough for what?

[Pop music starts] - ♪ Get ready for the new look ♪

♪ New rhythym and a new hook ♪ ♪ Not here to cuddle ♪ ♪ more like leave you in a puddle ♪

♪ Little double trouble got ya boy shook ♪ - ♪ Ha, ha, here's the sitch' ♪ [Rapping] ♪ Feed sin with ya taxes ♪

[Rapping] ♪ Greedy greed wins where the cash is ♪ ♪ Wanna sell my funny, slutty body to the masses ♪

[Together] ♪ Feelin' lonely on a Saturday night ♪ ♪ Well money can't buy happiness ♪ ♪ But it can rent you paradise ♪

♪ Give in to temptation ♪ ♪ Take your time I'll be patient ♪

♪ Be my little piggy let me ♪ ♪ scratch your dirty itch ♪

♪ I'm a klown, bitch ♪ ♪ Fix up your frown, bitch ♪

♪ Gimme the crown, bitch ♪ ♪ You hear that sound ♪ ♪ You're goin' down ♪

♪ Cause I'm a klown, bitch ♪ - ♪ Get ready for a- ♪♪

[Heavy breathing]

- O-Okay, Fizz. You can do this. You can do this. You can do this. It's okay, it's fine. You have a show to do soon, it's fine.

[Gasps] Oh- oh no, oh- no, no, no, no. [Strained] No, no- [Hyperventilating]

It's okay, you're fine. You need to be fine. ASMODEUS: Fizz! Are you okay?

- Why does everyone keep asking me that?? You shouldn't be here, Asmodeus. I'm fine, please! - [Struggling grunts]

[Mumbling] Come on. Froggie. - I'm fine! I'm fine!

Just needed a minute! - You aren't okay, you're shaking. - Ozz, I'm about to go on for the finale,

I need some time to mentally prepare. - Fizz, come on! I'm trying to talk to you,

You can't force yourself to- - [Interrupting] Ozz, I have to do this. This could be my last chance to prove that I'm still good at this.

That it's not over! That I'm still good enough! It's not just Mammon.

I'm fine. I just- need to be better. - You think you need to be this perfect, model performer,

but that's because Mammon is always forcing that image onto you!

- But everything I have is because of Mammon. I have this life. I have security. I have you.

Without Mammon I wouldn't be- I wouldn't have-

I just- I have to win this. - Fizzie. - I don't want to lose.

Because I feel like if I lose this, I lose you. - [Scoffs] How would you lose me?

Come on, Froggie. - You're with me because of who I am at my best! I'm barely worthy of working with a King of Sin

cause THIS is who I am. Without all this, I'm just nothing,

and Mammon made me this. I owe it all to him.

- Fizz, Mammon didn't do shit. You already were this. You'd be this no matter what!

You are the most inspiring demon I have ever known, and meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I adore your inventiveness, your attitude, your resilience. And- you're just the cutest little thing alive. [Fizzarolli laughs]

Also, you are a waaaay better performer than Mammon ever was,

and thaaat's just facts. - It's- It's hard, you know? To t-trust that.

I- I just- I love you so much, Ozzie. - And I love you too, Fizzarolli.

And I would whether you win this bullshit or not. - Well, I kinda spent my whole warmup

[Music starts] having a panic attack, haha. - ♪ Crooked horn, crooked grin. ♪

♪ You're a crooked, horny, ♪ ♪ freaky, little joker. ♪ - ♪ You're a deadly sin. ♪

- ♪ And I don't wanna hear another goddamn word about ♪ ♪ Win, win, win. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, I think you're messy, ♪ ♪ but I'm messy, too. ♪

[Guitar strumming] ♪ No, no, no, I wouldn't clean a thing ♪

♪ when I ended up with you. ♪ [Guitar strumming] - ♪ I don't know you waste your time on me ♪

[Spoken] - ♪ Baby, all I got is time. ♪ - ♪ When there's so much I'll never be. ♪

- [Laughs] ♪ Holy shit, babe. ♪ ♪ There's so much you can't see. ♪

- ♪ What can't I see? ♪ [Together] ♪ Oh, oh, ♪

ASMODEUS: ♪ you're a broken record, ♪ ♪ don't you ever shut your crooked little lips ♪ - [Spoken] ♪ What do you want me to do with my lips? Heh-heh. ♪

[Together] ♪ Oh, oh, oh you sure are lucky ♪ [Together] ♪ You make my crooked heart do ♪

[Together] ♪ freaky, little flips. ♪ - ♪ You make my crooked heart do ♪

♪ "Froggie" little flips. ♪♪ - Ribbit. [Laughs]

[Sighs happily]

[Kissing sounds] FAN: You're gonna listen to me now, BITCH.

- Oh so you two are an item? Well congratulations you fucking hypocrites.

MAMMON: Uuuh- D-Don't worry folks. I-I'm sure Fizzarolli will be out soon with a grand fucking performance.

[Explosion] [Applause and cheers]

[Dramatic music starts] ♪ I have wasted time. ♪ ♪ I have seen my use. ♪

♪ I have packaged and sold every part of me! ♪ ♪ Suffered a lifetime of abuse. ♪

♪ I have lost myself. ♪ ♪ I have worshipped at your feet. ♪

♪ And here I am standing on top of the world ♪ ♪ with some bitches to defeat. ♪

♪ I've played the game, I've won it all. ♪ ♪ They've screamed my name, ♪

♪ they bought the doll. ♪ ♪ I've seized the day, ♪ ♪ now I've got one thing left to say-ay-ay, ♪

♪ Fuck you! ♪ ♪ Here's my two-minutes notice, fuck you! ♪

♪ Time to quit and smell the roses. ♪ ♪ Say goodbye, ♪

♪ While I look you the in eye and say, Fuck you! ♪

MAMMON: [Spoken] Interesting song. I wonder what fuckin' this is about. FIZZ: ♪ Fuckity, fuckity, fuckity fuckity you! ♪ ASMODEUS: [Spoken] It's about you. MAMMON: [Spoken] Wait, what? FIZZ: ♪ Fuck you! ♪

♪ I have taken shit. ♪ ♪ Been crushed under your heel. ♪

♪ I have suffered for profit ♪ ♪ and suckered for fame, ♪ ♪ made a fortune you could steal. ♪

♪ I've had enough, I've hit the wall. ♪ ♪ I'm tired of taking your calls. ♪

♪ It ends today, ♪ ♪ Now there's just one last thing to say-ay-ay, ♪

♪ Fuck you! ♪ ♪ I wish I'd said it sooner, fuck you! ♪

♪ Cut you off, just like a tumor! ♪ ♪ Hope you die, ♪

♪ Kiss my ass goodbye, you cuck, fuck you! ♪

Eeugh- [Circusy music] ♪ Have you ever felt sick and tired ♪ ♪ of doing the same shit everyday with your anger brewin' ♪ ♪ Eatin' shit for a boss that you're sick of obeyin' ♪

♪ If you ever felt the same let me hear ya say it! ♪ [With ensemble] ♪ Did you really think I was gonna stay? ♪

♪ Spending life bent over with your fist in my "a". ♪ ♪ Slander me, say I'll never work in this town, ♪

♪ If I stick around I'll be six more feet under the ground! ♪ ENSEMBLE: ♪ (Fuck you!) ♪

FIZZ: ♪ Wo-oh-oh! ♪ - ♪ (Here's my two minute's notice, fuck you!) ♪ - ♪ Suck it, greedy bastard! ♪ - ♪ You're a fucking, ass clown! ♪ - ♪ (Time to quit and smell the roses!) ♪

[With ensemble] ♪ Say goodbye, ♪ ♪ too late to apologize! ♪

♪ So this is it, ♪ ♪ Mammon you sad sack of shit, ♪

♪ Fuck yooou! ♪

- ♪ You bitch! ♪ ♪ Yeah!! ♪♪

Thank you all so much. You know, it's always been one of the greatest thrills of my life performing.

And I'm so glad to bring you all one, last show.

Cause now, I quit!

- Pffbth! WHAT?! QUIT?! You miserable piece of shit!

What do you mean quit? - I meaaan, I quit. I'm done, [Australian accent] G'day, mate!

- [Growling]

[Fizzarolli gasps] ASMODEUS: Oh that, motherfucker. MAMMON: [Growls] You fucking ungrateful little shit!

[Growls intensify and turn into a scream.] I gave you everything!!

You are practically in my image! I raised you like the son I didn't want!

ASMODEUS: [Growls] You'd better back the fuck up, Mam.

- Ho-ly shit! I say, I say. - Ha-ha, hooo. Look who's acting like a big fuckin' hero.

Careful what you say, Ozzie. Wouldn't want your little secret getting out,

would we? - I don't care anymore! - Ozz? - Because if you let him quit,

I could tell everyone hereee that you- - What? That I love him? Well I do!

CROWD: [Fangirling] I knew it, I knew it!

- Oh- uh. Shit. Ah- you dirty bitch.

You are gonna regret revealing that, Ozz. [Sinister laugh] [Fizzarolli growls]

[Laughing continues] [Screaming]

[Sighs happily] - So does that mean we win?

ACK!! [Lovey-dovey giggling]

BLITZØ: So um, who tops? [Fizzarolli groans]