C.H.E.R.U.B (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of C.H.E.R.U.B. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[The episode opens up to a shot of Heaven’s golden gates. The gates open and “Cherub Towne” is shown. Cletus flies in front of the screen.]''

Cletus: Well, howdy! I’m Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did something good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessings!

C.H.E.R.U.B. Jingle:

Collin (sings): Does it make you want to cry

''[Scene cuts to a man jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. He splats onto a rock while a censoring cloud bubble reads “Owie!”]''

Keenie (sings): When your loved one has to die?

[Another person gets run over by a speeding train as “Oh No!” appears in a thought bubble.]

Cletus (sings): Does it hurt you through and through

''[Scene goes to another man who accidentally shoots himself in the face with a gun. “Oopsie!” is seen in another thought bubble.]''

All (sings): When your face is turning blue?

[Clip shows a struggling man’s face turning blue in a hangman’s noose]

Collin (sings): Well luckily for you…

[Collin poses]

Keenie (sings): There’s something we can do…

[Keenie poses]

Cletus (sings): We can help keep them alive…

All (sings): You so can watch them thrive!

[All three pose together]

All (sings): ‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.

[The orange C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears with a registered trademark symbol.]

Collin (sings): We’ll save your honey bun from dying violently

''[Cletus rescues a woman from a pack of wild animals. Keenie pushes a sacred Collin in front of them, as he holds a plank of wood with a nail in it.]''

All (sings): ‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.

[The C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears again]

Keenie (sings): No we never even ask a fee

[Cletus is shown waving a dismissive hand at a person handing him dollar bills]

Collin (sings): Because good people spread the love

[Collin and Keenie give each other a hug in a yellow heart background]

Keenie (sings): And we’re here for all above

[Small hearts of light spread out around a spinning Earth in space]

Cletus (sings): We do the paperwork for you

[A stressed Collin rapidly writes on piles of paper in an office]

Collin (sings): And the heavy lifting, too

[Keenie lifts a boulder from a flattened woman, who gives her a thumbs up.]

Cletus (sings): So sit right back…

[The three Cherubs comfort a battered bleeding man in a car crash]

All (sings): And let us bless a soul, for you!

''[The three Cherubs appear back on the screen and sing in harmony. They pose some more.]''

Oh we are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!

''[The Cherubs appear on a small old fashioned TV. Blitzo explodes the TV with a revolver.]''

Millie: Nice one, B!

Blitzo: Give me another, Mox!

''[Moxxie nervously sweeps away the flaming debris and puts another old fashioned TV onto the stand. He turns it on with a scared look on his face. The 666 News logo appears. Blitzo wipes off the soot from his gun]''

Blitzo: No, I’m not feeling it. Next!

''[Moxxie switches the channel. Betty Boop appears in black and white, dancing erotically with prominent breasts, holding a pitchfork. Blitzo looks bored.]''

Blitzo: Uh huh, keep going, keep going, keep going!

''[Moxxie switches the channel again. Wally Wackford appears on the screen dressed in white with a black top hat, holding a cane.]''

Wally Wackford: Hey! I say! Are you looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets? Well call me at Wacky Wally Wallford’s Wacky Idea “Factory”!

[The title appears against a similar circular background of classic old cartoons]

Wally Wackford: Where you can make the things and I make the money!

[Wally Wackford appears close to the screen with a pleading face]

Wally Wackford: Please, I’m very desperate!

Blitzo: Bingo!

[Blitzo shoots and explodes the TV again]

Millie: Woo! You’re on a roll, sir!

''[Loona wakes up from her canine sleep on a chair. A shaking causes her cup to spill.]''

Loona: Guys, do you feel that?

Blitzo: Oh shit, is that a hell-shake?

Moxxie: That’s possible.

[Millie holds onto Moxxie as his tail shoots up in fear]

Millie: Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!

Moxxie: I’m not “panicking,” because hell-shakes don’t happen.

[Loona roughly grabs hold of Moxxie and shakes him]

Loona: Stop getting hysterical, fatty!

''[Loona hits Moxxie against the wall before he is knocked down further by what appears to be a wrecking ball made of black tubes. Part of the wall crumbles on top of Moxxie. The smoke clears and a supervillain demon enters the room through the hole. Loona growls on all fours.]''