C.H.E.R.U.B (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of C.H.E.R.U.B. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[The episode opens up to a shot of Heaven’s golden gates. The gates open and “Cherub Towne” is shown. Cletus flies in front of the screen.]''

Cletus: Well, howdy! I’m Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did something good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessings!

C.H.E.R.U.B. Jingle:

Collin (sings): Does it make you want to cry

''[Scene cuts to a man jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. He splats onto a rock while a censoring cloud bubble reads “Owie!”]''

Keenie (sings): When your loved one has to die?

[Another person gets run over by a speeding train as “Oh No!” appears in a thought bubble.]

Cletus (sings): Does it hurt you through and through

''[Scene goes to another man who accidentally shoots himself in the face with a gun. “Oopsie!” is seen in another thought bubble.]''

All (sings): When your face is turning blue?

[Clip shows a struggling man’s face turning blue in a hangman’s noose]

Collin (sings): Well luckily for you…

[Collin poses]

Keenie (sings): There’s something we can do…

[Keenie poses]

Cletus (sings): We can help keep them alive…

All (sings): You so can watch them thrive!

[All three pose together]

All (sings): ‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.

[The orange C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears with a registered trademark symbol.]

Collin (sings): We’ll save your honey bun from dying violently

''[Cletus rescues a woman from a pack of wild animals. Keenie pushes a sacred Collin in front of them, as he holds a plank of wood with a nail in it.]''

All (sings): ‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.

[The C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears again]

Keenie (sings): No we never even ask a fee

[Cletus is shown waving a dismissive hand at a person handing him dollar bills]

Collin (sings): Because good people spread the love

[Collin and Keenie give each other a hug in a yellow heart background]

Keenie (sings): And we’re here for all above

[Small hearts of light spread out around a spinning Earth in space]

Cletus (sings): We do the paperwork for you

[A stressed Collin rapidly writes on piles of paper in an office]

Collin (sings): And the heavy lifting, too

[Keenie lifts a boulder from a flattened woman, who gives her a thumbs up.]

Cletus (sings): So sit right back…

[The three Cherubs comfort a battered bleeding man in a car crash]

All (sings): And let us bless a soul, for you!

''[The three Cherubs appear back on the screen and sing in harmony. They pose some more.]''

Oh we are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!

''[The Cherubs appear on a small old fashioned TV. Blitzo explodes the TV with a revolver.]''

Millie: Nice one, B!

Blitzo: Give me another, Mox!

''[Moxxie nervously sweeps away the flaming debris and puts another old fashioned TV onto the stand. He turns it on with a scared look on his face. The 666 News logo appears. Blitzo wipes off the soot from his gun]''

Blitzo: No, I’m not feeling it. Next!

''[Moxxie switches the channel. Betty Boop appears in black and white, dancing erotically with prominent breasts, holding a pitchfork. Blitzo looks bored.]''

Blitzo: Uh huh, keep going, keep going, keep going!

''[Moxxie switches the channel again. Wally Wackford appears on the screen dressed in white with a black top hat, holding a cane.]''

Wally Wackford: Hey! I say! Are you looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets? Well call me at Wacky Wally Wallford’s Wacky Idea “Factory”!

[The title appears against a similar circular background of classic old cartoons]

Wally Wackford: Where you can make the things and I make the money!

[Wally Wackford appears close to the screen with a pleading face]

Wally Wackford: Please, I’m very desperate!

Blitzo: Bingo!

[Blitzo shoots and explodes the TV again]

Millie: Woo! You’re on a roll, sir!

''[Loona wakes up from her canine sleep on a chair. A shaking causes her cup to spill.]''

Loona: Guys, do you feel that?

Blitzo: Oh shit, is that a hell-shake?

Moxxie: That’s possible.

[Millie holds onto Moxxie as his tail shoots up in fear]

Millie: Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!

Moxxie: I’m not “panicking,” because hell-shakes don’t happen.

[Loona roughly grabs hold of Moxxie and shakes him]

Loona: Stop getting hysterical, fatty!

''[Loona hits Moxxie against the wall before he is knocked down further by what appears to be a wrecking ball made of black tubes. Part of the wall crumbles on top of Moxxie. The smoke clears and a supervillain demon enters the room through the hole. Loona growls on all fours.]''

Loopty Goopty: Do not be afraid.

[The man grins and extends his metal contraptions in loops]

Blitzo: Please tell me you got that insurance thing.

[Millie takes out a sharp black ax]

Millie: Who are you and what do you want?

[Loopty Goopty slides along the black loops before he does a villainous pose between the imps.]

Loopty Goopty: I’m Loopty Goopty! (singsong voice) Ghastly inventor of all things loopy and goofy!

Loona: Could’ve just used the door, dude. Doesn’t need to be this whole thing.

Loopty Goopty: I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric shit!

''[Loopty Goopty does a wavy dance. Blitzo sniffs him and flinches.]''

Blitzo: Ugh! The old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?

Loopty Goopty: Yes! Moments ago, in fact! Which brought me here!

[Loona taps on her phone]

Loona: Just saying the front door would’ve gotten you here fine.

Loopty Goopty: Shut up, dear furry!

[Loona growls in anger]

[Loopty Goopty appears in front of Loona and turns to Blitzo]

Loopy Goopty: (singsong): This is the man I’m gonna need you to kill!

''[He holds up an old photo of an old bald man in a bed. Blitzo takes the photo from him.]''

Blitzo: Not even a shit’s length of time in Hell and he’s already plotting revenge? I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent.

[Blitzo walks over to Loopty Goopty and shakes his hand]

Loopty Goopty: What “o”?

Blitzo: Oh thank you. Now what’s the tea-sis?

Loopty Goopty: The tea?

[Moxxie’s arm appears as he struggles under the weight of the debris]

Moxxie: Guys, help!

[Blitzo elbows Loopty Goopty.]

Blitzo: Why’re we killing this guy? I mean what did he do to you?

[Moxxie’s arm inches back and he squeals in pain]

Moxxie: Help me!

Loopty Goopty: He was…my business partner! You see, I was not always an old man.

[An old film montage in brown shades depict Loopty Goopty’s early life.]

Loopty Goopty: My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!

''[Lyle and Loopty pose with capes and spiral glasses on top of a tall building labeled “Lyle-Loopty Robotics”. The building is surrounded by factories and columns spewing smoke. Down below it reads “very dramatic re-enactment from earlier that day?”]''

Loopty Goopty: Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop or reverse the aging process!

''[The clips show Loopty putting wires together and Lyle tightening a bolt with a wrench. The two stand by a large white machine labeled “De-age-ifier.”]''

Loopty: It could’ve saved all three trillionaires! Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius. The machine was accidentally set forward!

''[The two men stroll into the chamber and close the metal door. A lever labeled “young” and “old” is set to “old” at the bottom.]''

Loopty: By the time we managed to get out, it was too late. At least, for me.

''[The two men struggle to open the door, pounding on it. Both of them rapidly shrivel up and age. Loopty stares in horror at his shriveling hands. Lyle grows old and fat and slides to the floor. Loopty clutches at his chest, suffers a heart attack and collapses to the ground. A man mentions for doctors to come in. They put a stethoscope over Loopty’s heart and they shake their heads somberly. Another woman puts an oxygen mask over Lyle’s nose and mouth. Loopty’s body is zipped shut in a body bag.]''

Loopty: Now that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire we built together without me to share it with him. He’ll make all the god damn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire and get all the credit!

[Scene cuts to Lyle laughing evilly as piles of money rain down on him]  

[Back to I.M.P. office]

Blitzo: Yeah, that’s not really evil.

Loopty Goopty: It’s evil toward me!

[Moxxie is still stuck under the rubble]

Moxxie: Everything…is going…down.

Loopty Goopty: Now get your crimson asses up above and send that thoughtless no-good son of a bitch to Hell where he belongs!

Blitzo: You know, Poopty…

Loopty Goopty: (Seethes) Loopty!

[Blitzo holds up his hands]

Blitzo: Of course, of course. If we do kill him though and he ends up down here, you know, you’ll be stuck with him, forever.

Loopty Goopty: Oh trust me! I’m counting on it!

[Loopty Goopty summons an array of weapons with his metal tentacles: several guns, a launcher and a spinning gear]

Moxxie: That’s kinda hot.

[Moxxie does a thumbs up as everyone glances at him]

[Blitzo clasps his hands together]

Blitzo: Well, the old man wanted to live again and we didn’t kill him, so we failed. Thanks to those fucking cherubs, he’s probably up in Heaven now. So it’s a shame. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner and now the two are forever separated and now we gotta face the fire of fuck it up.

Moxxie: Sir, when are you going to tell the client?

Blitzo: Oh, I already sent him a text and we’re in good hands because texts don’t make people angry.

''[The text reads “U fail, U die. Sorry, saxophone emoji.” A metal plank crashes into the room as Moxxie scurries out of the way with a yelp]''

Loopty Goopty: Blitz! Oh my!

Blitzo: We can explain everything. I was…

[Another metal plank squashes Moxxie as a fat demon Lyle arrives with a grin]

Loona, Blitzo and Millie: Lyle Lipton?!

Millie: I don’t understand. We thought you went to Heaven.

Lyle Lipton: Heaven? You don’t make millions in technological advances in robotics by not experimenting on the poor! (laughs)

Loopty Goopty: Oh, you no good heartless son of a bitch! (turns to Blitzo) Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!

Lyle Lipton: The only question now is, what do two genius robotic inventors do now that we’re in Hell?

[Wally Wackford pops up from the ground]

Wally Wackford: Did someone say I say inventors? Name’s Wally Wackford and I am looking for creative new people to exploit…I mean employ.

[Wally twirls his mustache]

Blitzo: Everyone, stop fucking up my walls! Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this shit!

[Moxxie is shown trapped, frothing at the mouth]

Blitzo: Oh chill out, Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder, you’ll go right inside me. Satan’s balls, first we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?

Wally Wackford: I guess you can say you say, you have a holy operation here, Blitzo! (pronounces the “o.”)

''[Wally slaps his knee and laughs. He doubles down on the floor].''

Blitzo: Get out.

[Wally laughs]

Wally: I said “o!”

Blitzo: No, I’m serious, get the fuck out!