Helluva Boss Pilot/Transcript

'''This is a transcribed copy of "Helluva Boss Pilot". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.'''

''[The scene opens with a city shot that slowly zooms in on the Immediate Murder Professionals building. Cars honking can be heard in the background. The scene transitions to a closed door, with a sign that says "Meetins in progress". Inside, Blitzo is walking by a whiteboard on the wall as he lectures his employees.]''

Blitzo: Alright, now I know business has been a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here. [looks at Moxxie] Moxxie. ''[Moxxie gives him a "What the hell?" look.]'' Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?

Millie: What about a car wash?

Blitzo: This is hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being cleaned here, okay? Ooh, what about a billboard?

Moxxie: We can't afford a billboard, sir.

Blitzo: Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now. [pushes Moxxie away] Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?

''[Blitzo turns on a TV that shows everyone killing people. Then it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with Loona, Millie, and Blitzo eating popcorn.]''

Blitzo: Ahh, those were the good times.

Moxxie: I don't need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches.

Blitzo: Uh, hey, excuse me. What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, all right? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullshit!

Millie: People love musicals, sir.

Blitzo: Exactly, Millie. And we're basically doin' a musical. Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?

Moxxie: Sir--

Blitzo: 'Cause right now, all I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.

Millie: Are you trying to crush his dreams, Moxxie?

Moxxie: I-- What?

Millie: I thought I knew you.

Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie, [holds up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie's picture on it] after I made you employee of the month!

Moxxie: Okay, sir! I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles.

Millie: I liked it.

Moxxie: Do not-- [points at Millie] Do not agree with him in front of me.

[The scene cuts to the I.M.P. commercial.]

Blitzo: Hi, there! I'm Blitzo! The "O" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P.! ''[gestures to the logo as it appears on screen, then disappears. A picture of Blitzo wearing two top hats through his horns, a monocle, and twiddling a fake mustache, while standing outside of a burning building with a sign that reads "Orphanage for Elderly Blind Newborn Dogs" appears.] Are you a piece of shit that got yourself sent to hell [Picture then changes to one of Blitzo wearing an angel costume at a coffeehouse happily throwing an empty coffee cup in a trash can, instead of the recycling bin right next to it.] or are you an innocent soul who got fucked'' over by someone else?!

[The commercial cuts to a demon guy wearing an Ohio sports jersey, giving a testimonial, while Blitzo holds a cardboard sign in frame that reads "Some guy who hired us!!"]

Demon Guy: After lovingly killing my wife for [in demonic voice] fucking a deliveryman, [normal voice] you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me. I really wish I could stick it to that [in demonic voice] yappy jogger [normal voice] who saw me hiding the body.

[Blitzo is speaking to camera and holding a grimoire, while Moxxie and Millie are arranging lit candles on the floor in a square.]

Blitzo: [to camera] Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company's special access to the living world, ''[his eyes narrow as he does a magical gesture with his left hand and a flaming portal appears on the floor. Moxxie and Millie are blown out of shot. He walks up to the portal.] we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone who screwed you over [falls backwards into the portal, like a mosh pit]'' when you were alive!