The Harvest Moon Festival/Transcript

''[Scene opens up to a sunlit exterior of Stolas's mansion. Blitzo is shown lighting a cigarette on Stolas’ bed. Stolas sighs in contentment as Blitzo folds his hands behind his head.]''

Stolas: I’m sorry for having to move our little rendezvous early. I have an engagement this month on the full moon.

[Stolas is shown wearing a ball gag and harness, his hands tied to the headboard with rope.]

Blitzo: When this happens, it’s not really something I fuss about. But do you really need the book for this farm bullshit? I have like fifteen new clients waiting for heads to roll.

[Blitzo reaches up and burns the rope off Stolas’ hands with his cigarette, freeing him.]

Stolas: As shocking as it may seem, Blitzy, my grimoire is actually incredibly important. And it isn’t supposed to be lent out to itty bitty imps like yourself.

[Stolas pinches Blitzo’s cheeks before Blitzo shoves him away.]

Stolas: The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion. It’s been my annual duty to showcase it in the Ring of Wrath. It’s celebrated by a very charming little festival with the locals.

[Blitzo pulls a feather out of his mouth in disgust.]

Blitzo: Wrath, huh? My employees are from there. I’ve never really been there. I've heard it's full of inbred chuckle fucks.

[Stolas sits up.]

Stolas: Oh! Why don’t you all join me at the festival? I can guarantee you all…

[Stolas pulls the covers over his head and his head appears near Blitzo’s crotch.]

Stolas: … special access (Chuckles).

Blitzo: Look, I told you, we’re not bodyguards, okay? That was a one-time thing we did badly.

''[Stolas stands up with the covers on his head. He does a playful owl head tilt.]''

Stolas: I’m simply offering a work-free day of fun. I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival. It’s the same every year.

Blitzo: Well if you promise this isn’t some fuck fest invite, it does sound like it could be a blast and a half. Plus it’s not like we can do jack shit without your book anyway.

Stolas: (in a baby-talk voice) Aww, I’m sorry your clients will have to wait.

[Blitzo chuckles and waves a dismissive hand.]

Blitzo: Oh, fuck my clients!

''[ Moxxie and Millie’s apartment is revealed under a Robo Fizz sign. Moxxie and Millie sleep in their bed. Moxxie’s phone lights up and a Phantom of the Opera organ ringtone sounds. Moxxie taps the phone and rolls over. The phone sounds again. In annoyance, Moxxie grabs the phone and sits up.]''

Moxxie: What do you want, sir?

Blitzo: Hey, sorry to wake you, Mox! How would you and Mils like to visit the Wrath Ring for some harvest bullshit this year?

[Millie sits up in excitement.]

Millie: The Harvest Moon Festival?! Yee-fucking-haw!

Moxxie: (sighs) Well, Millie likes the idea. Wait, where are you calling from?

''[Blitzo falls down onto the bed from the ceiling. His phone bonks his head. Moxxie narrows his eyes as Blitzo purrs.]''

Moxxie: Mhm. Of course.

''[Scene shifts to the Rough N’ Tumbleweed Ranch. The I.M.P. van pulls up in front of two imps.]''

Millie: Mama! Daddy!

''[Millie gets out of the van and happily runs toward her parents. Her father hugs her and spins her around before placing her down.]''

Joe: Yee-haw! How’s my deadly little pumpkin spice doing?

[Joe ruffles Millie’s hair affectionately.]

Millie: I’m good, Pa! Thanks for letting us stay here for the harvest jamboree!

Lin: It’s no trouble. We know you aren’t making as much anymore since y’all went “freelance.”

Millie: Freelance pays fine, Ma! We’re doing fine! It’s fine.

[Millie walks over to Moxxie, who is struggling to carry luggage.] 

Millie: Anyway, y’all remember my husband Moxxie?

''[Millie shoves a nervous Moxxie in front of her parents. They stare at him in disapproval. Joe “hmphs”.]''

Moxxie: Greetings, Lin. Joe. How have you been uh with all the… flaming twisters and stuff around here?

[Moxxie nervously holds out his hand.]

Joe: We lost our old farm hand to one of them terrors last week.

Moxxie: (laughs nervously) Oh crumbs. My bad! I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to open that wound, sir.

Blitzo: Hey, watch it! I’m the “sir” here, bucko!

Millie: Oh yeah! Y’all haven’t met my boss Blitzo! And his hellhound!

Loona: I’m not just his hellhound.

Blitzo: Yeah, she’s my daughter!

[Blitzo pulls her in a tight side hug.]

Loona: Only on paper. Y’all don’t deserve to know my name.

[Blitzo walks over to Millie’s parents.]

Blitzo: It’s a pleasure to finally meet the sperm and egg factory that popped out this little gem of an assassin. You two raised a sturdy bitch!

[Blitzo playfully elbows Millie]

Joe: (chuckles) That we did! So, Blitzo, is it? Heh heh. That’s a fine name.

[Blitzo and Joe shake hands]

Lin: It reminds me of war.

Joe: (sighs happily) Nothing like a little war to make a strong man.

Blitzo: I like you people.

Moxxie: You know, more battles were won by technological advances in warfare. I’ve researched the history of weaponry extensively. And it’s inspiring how… for example, the progression of guns utilizing angelic technology has changed the landscape of Hell’s combative…

''[Millie makes a “cut it out” motion with her hands. Joe crosses his arms.]''

Moxxie: I mean… (says in deep voice) war fun.

Joe: Guns get the job done, but a man ain’t nothing if he can’t tear the head off a hellish beast with only his bare hands!

Blitzo: Ha! He’s right, Moxxie! (speaks baby talk) You got a cute wittle baby hand like your baby dick!

''[Blitzo grabs Moxxie’s hand and reaches toward his crotch. Moxxie slaps his arm away.]''

Moxxie: Refrain, sir.

Joe: Speaking of strong hands, y’all should meet our newest help. Hey, Striker!

''[Black flaming hooves clop rapidly on the ground. An imp’s spiky tail whips a black horse’s flank. An imp wearing a cowboy hat rides a black hell horse with a fiery mane. The horse leaps over a fence. The horse rears up and roars in front of the group. Striker tips his hat in greeting, a stalk in his hand.]''

Striker: Well, howdy! Well lookie here! You must be the famous Mildred.

[Striker gets off the horse and walks toward Millie.]

Striker: Heard some good things about you from your folks, little lady.

''[Striker winks at her and Millie laughs sheepishly. They shake hands.]''

Striker: What're y’all doing so far away from Imp City? Huh. Free working finally slowing down?

Millie: Oh no! Freelance isn’t free! It's a-- Never mind. We’re just visiting for the festival. The prince is our boss’ (in a dramatic voice) boyfriend!

Blitzo: Millie, I am not above hitting a female in front of her daddy.

Striker: Boss, huh? Oh, so you’re the bold imp to start his own killing biz?

Blitzo: Yeah, well if you’re good at something, you should probably capitalize.

Striker: Not many imps start businesses on their own. That’s pretty impressive, sir.

Blitzo: Oh. Yeah? (stutters) It is-- I guess, I guess it is, isn't it?

Striker: So you even con that ditzy blueblood into getting you to the surface?

[Striker and Blitzo shake hands.]

Blitzo: Well, it’s long and complicated but the short answer is, yes. But he’s not like, you know, we’re not like, we’re not doing it, (stutters) it’s a transactional fucking, you see.

[Blitzo makes a sexual motion with his hands.]

Joe: You know, you boys should enter the Pain Games.

[Blitzo walks rapidly sideways in front of Joe.]

Blitzo: I heard games! What games? I’m in!

Lin: Every harvest festival, there’s a competition to be the roughest, toughest bastard in Wrath!

[Millie crosses her arms and pouts.]

Millie: Yeah! Wish I could play!

Lin: Millie, you know you get too carried away. The last competition ended in fifteen separate funerals.

Millie: I’m aware, but I only caused nine of them! How come Sallie May still gets to compete?

Lin: Your sister doesn’t have a neighborhood head count.

Millie: She so does!

[Sallie May carries a sack and a small imp drags an imp body in the background]

Sallie May: (sing-song voice) It doesn't count if they don't find the booody!

[Millie seethes.]

Lin: Still, you get to root for her and your brothers and now you can cheer on your boss!

[Moxxie puts a hand on Lin’s shoulder.]

Moxxie: You know, she can also cheer for me.

Joe: [laughs and slaps his leg.] Wait, you?

Moxxie: Yeah! I can compete, can’t I?

''[Lin elbows him hard in the side. Moxxie tears up in pain.]''

Joe: Sorry boy, but I don’t think sensitive thespian types would last very long in the games.

Moxxie: I was born here too! (drawls) I have some fight in me.

[Striker puts a hand on Moxxie’s shoulder]

Striker: Huh. Well then little fella, whyn't cha help me wrangle one of them hogs for dinner?

[Striker mentions to a large sleeping hell hog in a pigpen.]

Moxxie: Simple. Watch me!

[Striker grins and hands Moxxie a dagger and rope.]

Striker: Nah. With these. Bullets can’t pierce the shell. You gotta get the knife underneath them and pry yourself an opening.

[Moxxie gulps.]

Moxxie: Oh, right, right. I knew that.

''[Blitzo leans in toward Moxxie and grabs his shoulders. Moxxie’s eyes twitch.]''

Blitzo: Now just remember, your rep with the in laws is on the line here. So no pressure at all, you totally will not make an ass of yourself in front of everyone important in your life. Go get 'em, tiger.

[Blitzo shoves Moxxie forward.]

Moxxie: Oh.

Millie: Mox, you don’t need to do this.

Blitzo: Oh, he totally does! Take it fast, Moxxie! Yeah!

''[Blitzo cheers as Moxxie enters the pen. He nervously walks forward, knife in hand. Moxxie leaps forward and wraps the rope around the hog’s neck. He moves the knife down and it strikes harmlessly against the hog’s hide. The hog roars and runs around, trying to buck Moxxie off.]''

Blitzo: Fuck yeah, Moxxie! Ride it, Moxxie! Making that bitch you won’t call back in the morning!

[Loona grins and records a video on her phone.]

Loona: This is fucking beautiful.

Blitzo: Doing great, Moxxie! (whispers to Loona) Send me that video later.

''[Millie watches in concern as Moxxie yelps and looks up. Striker leaps and pushes him out of the way. Striker twirls the dagger in his hand and lifts it in the air with a smug grin. He brings down the knife and slaughters the hog.]''

[Moxxie rubs his neck]

Moxxie: Ow... My clavicle!

[Striker stands over Moxxie, his tail rattling like a snake.]

Striker: Don’t worry, little one. You never stood a chance.

''[Striker walks away with the dead hog over his shoulder. Moxxie growls at him.]''

Striker: Hey, boss man. You wanna help the men skin this thing for dinner?

Blitzo: Oh, I am always down to skin the manly meat with the manly man!

Loona: That’s what she said!

Blitzo: What "who said"? Wait, what bitch is talking shit about me?!

''[Moxxie sighs sadly with his arm in a cast. Millie comforts him.]''

Millie: Don’t let them get to you. And hey, you don’t need my parents to respect you. They will eventually.

Sallie May: No they won’t.

[Millie glares at her]

Sallie May: What? I’m right, ain’t I?

Moxxie: Oh I’mma enter in those games.

[Millie sighs sadly.]

Sallie May: Hmm, how pissed would you be if I bet on him dyin'?

[Millie glares at her again.]

''[Scene cuts to the Harvest Festival. Wally Wackford stands on stage with a microphone and speaks dramatically.]''

Wally Wackford: Welcome, I say, welcome, all to Wrath Ring’s annual Harvest Moon Festival! To kick things up, we have the great prince Stolas-a, here to usher in this here Pain Games!

[Stolas chuckles and takes the microphone from Wally Wackford.]

Stolas: How kind, Wackford. Greetings, tiny Wrath Ring Imps. I hereby welcome you all to another year of celebrating the spoils of your labor that continue to feed the citizens of Hell!

[A crowd of Imps glare at him and boos are heard.]

Stolas: I’m happy to kick off the start of these games that will challenge the toughest imps to show their skill in dominance. Good luck to you all! Especially that sexy little one there! Yoo-hoo, Blitzy!

[Stolas waves at him while Blitzo glares.]

Blitzo: Ugh, fuck me.

''[A gun goes off and the games begin. Moxxie gets trampled with a yelp as the other imps race down the trail. Striker climbs up a wooden ramp structure while Blitzo leaps down ahead of him. Moxxie tries to catch up. He claws at the structure and falls into a small puddle. He gets chewed up and thrashed by a monstrous black and white shark. In the next shot, Striker grins smugly at Blitzo who has his legs, arms and horns tied behind him. A muscular imps holds a rope and grins at a scared Moxxie. Striker, Blitzo and Moxxie team up in a tug of war match. Moxxie falls into the water and the shark attacks him again. The scene cuts to a wrestling match in the mud between Blitzo and Striker. A group of imps do a football huddle on top of Moxxie. The shark leaps over the fence to squash Moxxie.]''

Moxxie: Mother fuck--!

[Back on stage.]

Wally Wackford: I say, I say for the first year ever, we have a tie, for winner of the Harvest Moon Pain Games!

[Stolas takes the microphone from Wally Wackford.]

Stolas: The winners are…Striker, and my darling Blitzy!

[Stolas walks onto the stage and does a one legged pose as the crowd cheers.]

Blitzo: Just say my name right! Fucking dick.

''[Blitzo walks onto the stage in frustration. Moxxie and Millie watch from the stand.]''

Moxxie: [referring to Striker] Alright, so he has the “physical advantage.” I’m better at other things, like singing!

Striker: [pulls out a guitar] I’d like to take this opportunity to sing a quick song I wrote just now, about me winning.

[Striker strums the guitar he pulled out.]

Moxxie: Ugh, what the fuck?!

Striker: ♫ Sweet victory… I smell the smell. ♫

''[Striker kicks a squealing fangirl Imp in the face, sending her back to a group of Imps. The group then maul at her.]''

Striker: ♫ From up in stinkin’ Heaven to the rugged rock of Hell. Sweet victory… with everything I do. With every talent, I’m so much more talented than you. ♫

''[Blitzo arrives with a slice of cheese on a stick and sits next to Moxxie and Millie in the bleachers. He eats the cheese.]''

Blitzo: Isn’t this guy great?

Striker (in the background): ♫ Everytime I try, I push it and succeed. ♫

Moxxie: False!

Blitzo: It’s gonna be nice working with him!

[Blitzo pours hot sauce on his cheese and takes another bite.]

Moxxie: Working with him? What?!

Striker (in the background): ♫ Every first attempt of every single deed. ♫

Blitzo: Yeah! I asked him if he wants to join I.M.P.

Moxxie: You asked… but…

[Moxxie looks visibly hurt as Blitzo looks at him in confusion.]

Striker (in the background): ♫ Me! I’m totally the best. ♫

Millie: Mox, I think you’ve had enough for now. Let’s head back to the house and get you clean.

Striker: ♫ The super cool me, handsome guy. (Cough), Moxxie, go fuck yourself! ♫

[Moxxie tears up and leaves with Millie as Striker finishes his song.]

Striker: ♫ Did you hear something? It was just the wind. ♫

[The crowd cheers.]

Striker: Thank you. You're too kind.

''[Volcanos with fiery spheres are revealed. Blitzo lies down and looks admiringly at Striker’s horse who eats an animal carcass. Millie beams beside her parents as her brothers load up jack-o-lanterns into a cart. Millie waves at them and runs off. Inside the cottage, Moxxie glumly walks up some stairs. Moxxie notices light shining through the bottom of a door.]''

Moxxie: Well that’s troubling.

''[Moxxie opens the door and peers around. He notices the light coming from a box. He walks over and sees a rifle with glowing designs in an open gun case.]''

Moxxie: Oh my crumbs!

[He runs his hand along the side of the rifle.]

Moxxie: A genuine carmine crafted blessing-tipped rifle. How… how in the fuck did he get one of these?

[Striker leans against the door frame behind him.]

Striker: Why don’t you ask me, little dude?

Moxxie: Shit! W-why do you have this?! Mister! You are aware this kind of weapon can kill…

Striker: …Demon royalty?

Moxxie: Yes. That.

Striker: No shit.

[Striker flicks the wheat stalk away.]

Striker: That’s kinda the point.

''[Striker runs his claws along the door. He closes the door and advances menacingly toward Moxxie with a grin.]'' Moxxie: Okay. Well I’m… I’m relatively concerned by your possession of this... I’m also glad my instant dislike of you has been validated!

''[Striker wraps his tail around Moxxie’s neck. He tosses Moxxie hard against the wall. He chokes Moxxie on the floor as Moxxie tries to claw at him. Striker holds him down with his body weight. Moxxie glances over to see a vase on a table. He kicks the table and the vase crashes into Striker. Millie hears the crash from outside. Moxxie stands up and races toward the door. He pulls the door open but Striker roughly pulls him back by his tail. Striker covers Moxxie’s mouth and begins to strangle him. Striker chuckles evilly as Moxxie begins to lose consciousness.]''

Striker: Pathetic.

''[Millie appears behind Striker and stabs him in the back with a knife. Moxxie collapses to the floor. A feral, enraged Millie stabs Striker repeatedly in the back. She leaps onto his back and holds a knife at his neck. Striker slams Millie off against the wall, breaking her arm. A bleeding Millie collapses next to Moxxie. Striker grabs both of them by their hair and tosses them into a cellar. Millie cries out as her foot gets caught in a bear trap.]''

Striker: I’d kill y'all but I feel like there’s more leverage with your rodeo clown of a boss if I don’t. Plus you little things ain't worth the cleanup.

[Moxxie runs up the stairs, but Striker closes the cellar doors.]

Moxxie: Millie!

[Moxxie runs down the stairs to Millie, assessing her.]

Moxxie: Oh, Satan!

Millie: Moxxie, I’m fine. I got worse than this during the flower tufts at my brother’s wedding. But I caught that fucking bouquet, and it was fucking worth it. You just have to get out there, and fuck up that brown nosing cocksucker for me!

Moxxie: But I can’t break through it. I’m not strong enough.

Millie: Not with your hands, baby. Use what you’re good at.

Moxxie: I’m not good with my hands?

[Millie raises an eyebrow with an unamused expression.]

Moxxie: Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.

''[Moxxie pulls out a pistol and fires a hole in the door. He pushes the doors open.]''

Moxxie: I… I probably should’ve used this earlier, huh?

Millie: I love you hun… but for fuck’s sake!

''[Scene cuts to Stolas on stage. Stolas magically flips through the grimoire.]''

Stolas: My dear commoners of the Ring of Wrath, I, Stolas of the Ars Goetia, hereby curse this year’s harvest with the glow of the true Harvest Moon!

''[The clouds swirl as Stolas creates a portal. The portal reveals a glowing orange full moon in the sky. The crowd oohs in wonder. Striker chuckles darkly as he aims the rifle at Stolas’ forehead. A click is heard behind him. Blitzo aims his flintlock pistol at him.]''

Blitzo: Uh, excuse me? The fuck?!

[Striker turns around.]

Striker: Blitz! I thought you were still at the ceremony.

Blitzo: You thought I wanted to stand around with a bunch of hillbillies excited about corn and shit with a thirsty owl on stage?

[Striker stands.]

Striker: Huh. Now you seem disappointed in me.

Blitzo: Yeah, well I’m not a fan of someone I offered a job to about to off my easiest lanky ticket to Earth behind my back.

Striker: Blitz, come on. You know the two of us are superior than most of our kind. And you were so above sucking on a disgusting rich pompous Goetia, only to sneak topside for scraps and work for bitter sinners, who could care less who you are, when you could be slaying overlords.

''[Striker walks around Blitzo. Blitzo’s eyes move and he appears conflicted. He aims his gun as Striker moves in the shadows.]''

Striker: Why struggle to run a business that is rigged against you? When you could partner up with me and kill the un-killable?

[Striker pins a frightened Blitzo against the wall.]

Striker: Starting with the one that treats you like a plaything?

[Blitzo grins in lust.]

Blitzo: Oooh, that’s kinda hot.

Striker: We could be the most dangerous beings in Hell, Blitz.

Blitzo: Wow. That was a good fucking pitch.

Striker: Been workshoppin' it.

[Striker moves Blitzo’s gun away.]

Blitzo: You know what? Fuck it. I’m in.

''[Striker grins. Moxxie appears behind him with Striker’s rifle]''

Blitzo: Took you long enough, Mox! Ha ha! Wow, you should’ve seen your dipshit face!

[Blitzo looks down to see Striker holding the knife in his other hand from behind.]

Blitzo: Wow...woah, okay. Cliché much?

''[Striker points Blitzo’s pistol at Moxxie. Moxxie blocks the bullet with the rifle side.]''

Blitzo: Oh, you daddy fucker!

''[Blitzo bites at Striker’s arm. The fight begins as the imps land punches. Striker slams Blitzo into Moxxie and they both fall to the floor. Moxxie sees the rifle on the floor and reaches for it. Striker pin’s Moxxie’s arm down with his boot.]''

Striker: You dumb fucks lost the upper hand fast, huh?

Blitzo: Ha! You seem to have forgotten something, fucko!

''[Blitzo whistles several times for Loona. Outside, Loona taps on her phone and ignores him.]''

Blitzo: Ugh, fucking damn it, Loona.

Striker: It’s a damn shame, Blitzo. We might've actually made a good team. Oh well.

Blitzo: In your wet dreams, you honky-tonk goat!

''[Blitzo swings his foot under Striker and trips him. Blitzo kicks Striker away, causing him to drop his rifle. Moxxie grabs it and growls. Blitzo races toward Striker and knock his head with a vase. He lands punches at his face and swipes his tail at him. Blitzo uses his tail to toss Striker to the side. Moxxie fires a warning shot near Striker’s head. Blitzo and Moxxie close in on Striker and Blitzo pulls out his pistol.]''

Striker: I still think it’s embarrassing. You’re wasting a lot of potential relying on a weak little…

[Moxxie fires a shot near Striker.]

Moxxie: You gonna finish that fucking sentence? Pard'ner?

Striker: Vermin.

Moxxie: Who’s weak now, bitc-

[Moxxie gets slammed against the wall as Loona opens the door and enters the room.]

Loona: 'Kay, I’m here.

''[Striker narrows his eyes and uses the distraction to slap Blitzo’s gun from his hands. He heads toward the open window.]''

Striker: Maybe you’ll get me next time, Blitzy.

''[Striker escapes through the window. Blitzo points his pistol outside, looking at the celebration in worry.]''

''[Scene cuts to the ranch. Lin bandages up Millie’s arm as she sits with her foot in a cast. Moxxie struggles to fit clothes in a suitcase.]''

Lin: I can’t believe you let him trap you, Millie. Haven’t we taught you better?

Millie: I was seeing red, Ma! And he was slippery!

Lin: Excuses! You’re better than that, Mildred!

[Moxxie closes the trunk and marches over to Millie’s parents.]

Moxxie: You know, she protected me. And maybe I’m not a strong beefy dickhead, but Millie has the strength enough for both of us! You two are getting on her case about being hurt by a psychopath you hired?! [In a cowboy voice] Shame on you!

Blitzo: Aw, Moxxie, look at you. Speechin' like a big boy with his big pants!

[Joe glares at Moxxie, curtly nods and leaves.]

Millie: Wow! He nodded! He’s never acknowledged your input before!

[Millie stands up on crutches and walks away.]

Moxxie: So... is that progress?

''[Scene cuts to a sign that reads “Hideaway Motel Vacancy. The Guy That Tried 2 Kill U Def Isn’t Here.” Striker is on a bed, talking on the phone.]''

Striker: Huh, I failed to kill the target at the festival. But don’t worry, ma'am, it won’t happen again.

[ Stella drums her fingers on the table.]

Stella: It better not! I want this cheating prick dead! I don’t care who you have to go through! Make it happen!

''[Stella is seen sitting at a dinner table with Stolas, who is reading a book called "Imps in the Sheets", and Octavia. Stolas pauses from eating to look at his wife in concern while Octavia bops her head to music tapping on the wine glass with her fork.]''

Striker: Understood.

''[Stella hangs up the phone. Striker twirls the gun in his hand.]''

Striker: I’ll get him next time.

''[Striker chuckles evilly as he turns off the light. His yellow eyes glow in the darkness to rattlesnake hisses.]''