Radio Killed the Video Star/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Radio Killed the Video Star". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. [We open with an exterior shot of the Hazbin Hotel before cutting to inside with Charlie pacing]

Charlie: Okay. So the extermination is coming in six months instead of a year. No big deal! Just a little setback. Nothing we can't handle. Just angels cutting our timetable in half. But who needs a whole year to save souls, am I right?! [Starts to panic.] And next time when they cut the time in half again and again, we'll just handle it, right?!

[ Vaggie grabs Charlie, calming her down.]

Vaggie: Yes. We will.

Angel Dust: Oh, please, ya had less then half a chance when you started all this salvation bullshit. And now...ain't no silver lining this time, toots.

Charlie: Sure there is! We just...have to look a little harder for it!

Angel Dust: Well, while you’re lookin’, the rest'a hell's goin' nuts. [Angel waves his phone in their faces.] People are already freakin' out about the news. Look at what's happenin' in the Doomsday District.

[He scrolls down an article with the bottom showing a demon screaming in front of a fire. suddenly a pink message appears.]

Charlie: What's a...Donkey Show?

Angel Dust: Oh! uh, it's nothin'. My boss, Val, is also freakin' out. Like I said, all of Hell's losin' their shit.

Vaggie: Yeah, that's true. Sinners are desperate. Maybe desperate enough to try anything to escape the extermination?

Charlie: Huh ... This is the perfect time to recruit more sinners for the hotel!

Angel Dust: Cute idea and all, but you really goin' out in all of this? [waves the phone with the place still on fire and demons in panic.]

Charlie: Well, it's not like people're gonna show up on our doorstep -

[The wall behind Charlie explodes and Sir Pentious voice's booms.]

Sir Pentious: Show yourself Alasssstor. Come and face - [Alastor is shown to be nonchalantly sipping coffee] Oh there you are - face my wrath!

Alastor: Who are you?

Sir Pentious: Who am I? Who am I? I am the great Ssssssir Pentiousssss! Inventor, architect of dessstruction, villain extraordinaire!

Egg Boiz: Ooh you tell 'em boss.

Niffty: Ooooh, he's a bad boy!

Alastor: Ha, well if all that's true, you think I'd have heard of you.

Sir Pentious: I attacked you literally last week.

[Alastor cocks his head.]

Sir Pentious: We've done battle, like, 20 times.

Alastor: Well, you must've been really bad at this.

Sir Pentious: Silence! Now cower, for when I've ssslain you, the almighty Vees will finally acknowledge me as their equal.

Niffty: Ooh! Wait, who are the Vees?

Alastor: Oh, nobody important. ''[Cut to the Vees' headquarter. An advertisement of Vox's technology is screened.]''

Ad: New VoxTech designer voyeurscopes, Peeping on the neighbors has never been more stylish. VoxTech! Trust us with your money!

[Crowd hypnotized swarms in buying all the tech products.]

This week's episode of "Yeah, I fucked your sister, so what?" is brought to you by VoxTech. Trust us with your entertainment! VoxTech! Trust us! Trust us! Trust us...!

Vox: Muhahaha now that's good television!

Vox: Hello, there Velvette. How are you this hellish morning?

Velvette: Cut the shit Vox. I need you up here now.

Vox: Whatever could be the problem, my dear?

Velvette: Your little boytoy is wrecking my apartment, while I'm trying to pull together a show. And-

[Valentino can be heard cussing off-screen.]

Valentino: (In Background) FUCKING BITCH!

Velvette: Just get your ass here! NOW! Damn it, Valentino!

Vox: Oh god. Here I go, Valentino. Just another fucking day with Val. Hey hey hey. Fuck my life.

[Vox goes down the lift.]

[Cut to an elevator with a smiling Vox with the world bubble saying "trust us!", before opening to reveal a frowning Vox sighing, and putting on a smile for a crowd of reporters that overlap one another before pointing their microphones to him.]

Reporter: Mr. Vox! What are your thoughts about the new extermination deadline?

Vox: My dear people! We at VoxTech Enterprises have always been at the forefront of innovation. And now, with this new oncoming threat, we are shifting our focus, to your protection. We are pleased to announce-

[The screen zooms to him and an ad featuring the VoxTech logo, now gold and with angelic wings, with the tagline reading-]

Vox: VoxTech Angelic Security is coming soon! Trust us, with YOUR safety.

[Vox's uses his left eye to hypnotize the crowd the same way as his consumers.]

Manager: Uh sir, when did we begin working on Angelic Security?

Vox: Thirty seconds ago. [walks off] try to get that bitch Carmilla on the books and cancel all my appointments today. I have a fire to put out upstairs.

[He then morphs his body into electricity and generates itself into the security camera on the wall.]

''[Cut to Velvette's studio. The staff clean everything up as she looks to four designers holding up dresses to show her]''

Velvette: Ugh. No. Unacceptable. You're fired. What is this? WRIST RUFFLES? Is this 1750?! Burn it like the witches who wore it!

[As she sends the designer away, Vox appears next to her]

Vox: Velvette! I can see your busy. Tell me, where's our hot headed friend now?

Velvette: Up in his room, waiting for a flat-faced prince to calm him down!

Vox: (sighs) And uh, what's got him so out of sorts today?

Velvette: Who knows? But he tore up my best model! And you know I can't wait for that unlucky bitch to pull herself back together! Melissa! Get over here!

[Melissa gets onto the platform, and Velvette uses her overlord powers to change her outfit]

Velvette: No. No. Hideous. I want to die. Eww. (gasp) Yes! that's the one!

Vox: Ahh, looks like you have everything under control here

Velvette: Of course I do! Fuck you! Now shoo! Take care of the piss baby!

''[Vox goes upstairs and is greeted by two moth demons who open the door for him. once he enters he finds Valentino sitting on his couch surrounded by a fog of red smoke. When Val notices Vox he sits up with fur in his eyes]''

Valentino: Fucking FINALLY! *throws drink* Kitty! Another drink!

[The Robo Fizzie next to him nods as it quickly heads off screen and re-appears with the drink.]

Valentino: Ugh! can you believe what that piece of shit did? THE UNGRATEFUL WHORE!!!

{As he spoke he tosses the drink at Vox, who moves away making the drink hit the door, shattering to the floor.]

Vox: Uh, which whore are we talking about this time?

Valentino: *gets up* Fucking Angel Dust! *walks up to him* Who the hell else would I be talking about??? *walks past him* That fucking SLUT walked out on me! *turns to Vox* ME! I fucking made him! *Vox walks a little ways away* Without me he's just a bag of meat with some mildly entertaining holes!

Vox: Oh! Angel quit?

Valentino: NO! He didn't fucking quit! It's worse! *takes Vox's phone* He MOVED!!!

[As he said that he tosses Vox's phone to the wall making it shatter in half.]

Valentino: He thinks he can just walk in here, work, and then go home somewhere else? Can you FUCKING believe that?!?!?!?! *walks to closet* He thinks he can run off and shack up with Lucifer's BIMBO daughter!

Vox: Angel is living with Lucifer's daughter?

Valentino: YEAH! that BITCH Chuckie or Chandler, or I dunno. Something Manish like that, she's got this hotel and-

[As he spoke he opened the closet and gets out two long muzzled revolver guns.]

Valentino: Which of these makes me look sexier? *turns to closet*

Vox: Heh. what are you doing, Val? You're not going over there.

[As he spoke his left eye started it's hypnotizing spell, but Valentino was busy loading his guns.]

Valentino: That slippery twink is gonna remember who owns him. I'm gonna FUCK everyone in that rancid shit hole I swear to god!

[Before he finishes, Vox grabs him by the collar and shoves him to his face, clearly furious.]

Vox: *distorted* VAL...*calms down* Hehe. Think about it

[Vox then walks Valentino towards the window, taking one of his guns.]

Vox: Our brand is, perfection. And what do you think chasing whores around town will, do for our image?

Valentino: Um.....fuck it up?

Vox: Right! Do you want people thinking you can't control your employees?

Valentino: No!

Vox: Exactly! And hey, you still have him under contract! He isn't going anywhere! SO...you should...

Valentino: Do nothing?

Vox: Great idea! Now that's why they pay you the *pinches cheek* Big bucks!

Valentino: Ugh. But I really wanted to shoot someone.

[As he spoke, he got a cigarette holder, and Vox lights it with his electricity powers.]

Vox: Well, lemme call up the lowest earners this month *walks to TVs*

Valentino: Ohh, you know me too well. *chuckles and blows smoke* Ya know....Angel isn't the only one spending time at this Ratty Hotel with the devil's princessa

Vox: Oh? Who else is there? Someone who, owes you money?

Valentino: *Chuckles* Someone who owes us much more than money...the Radio Demon is there.

''[Upon hearing those words, electricity courses through Vox's head, and he scratches the desk so hard it leaves scratch marks. As he turns to Valentino, two red lines appear on the left side of his lower lip]''

Vox: What did you just say?

Valentino: You heard me.

Vox: Alastor...*walks to him* came back...and he is with Lucifer's *glitches* daughter, and that wasn't the *grabs him by the collar* FIRST FUCKING THING YOU TOLD ME?!?!?!

Valentino: *frees himself from grip* Hey! killing Alastor is your kink.

''[as he spoke he walks to the desk. Vox teleports to the center screen, which was a recording from a VoxTech Voyer cope which shows Alastor using his powers to attack Sir Pentious zeppalin, laughing as he hears Pentious screaming.]''

Sir Pentious: Arrgh! Oh! Please! Stop!

Charlie: Um...Alastor! I think he's had enough.

Angel Dust: Nah. He's got a few more hits in him.

[Sir Pentious falls from the zeppelin.]

Alastor: Thanks for another forgettable experience.

[An Egg Boi falls and breaks into pieces.]

Sir Pentious: Thank you...for letting your guard down! Haha! Yah! Oh, shit...

[Sir Pentious screams.]

Alastor: Well, it looks as though I need a visit to the tailor! Best of luck, chums.

Vaggie: Wait, you're LEAVING?! Alastor! We need your help! We need you to do your job!

Angel Dust: We need a wall.

Alastor: Of course! Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already. What would the papers say?!

Angel Dust: [Giggles.] Hey, sweet cheeks. Whatcha doin' later? I love me a man with a giant...tool.

[Valentino is watching this go down.]

Valentino: See?! Look how he flirts with that guy, and he's not even paying! Who is that? I'm gonna fucking kill his whole fucking family! Vox? VOX!

Vox: [glitches] That FUCKER is back!

Valentino: Yeah! I thought he was gone for good too!

Vox: It's been seven years!

Valentino: You still pissed that he almost beat you that time?

Vox: Uh, FUCK YOU.

Valentino: Just saying.

Vox: Things have changed a lot since he left town!

Valentino: THAT'S for sure.

Vox: I gotta send a message of who's REALLY in charge of things now!

[Music for "Stayed Gone" begins]

Vox(singing): Welcome home! I'm gonna make you wish that you stayed gone! Say hello to a new status quo. Everyone knows that there's a brand new dawn, turn the TV on!

Director: Camera, speeds, rolling in there, two...



Vox: Top of the hour and we're discussing a certain had-been who has been spotted cavorting around town after a seven year absence. Did anybody miss him, did anybody notice? More on tonight's program. So, the Radio Demon is back in town! Why is he hanging around? What does that mean for your family? Well, handily, I've got good news! He's a loser, a fossil, and I don't mean to sound hostile [Singing.] but the demon is a coward! You can take that as gospel. Pulling my viewers? Impossible! I'm visual, he's barely audible! Stop giving him they time of day! Don't listen to a word he'd say. Hope he had a nice vacay! [Singing.] But he should have stayed away!

[Cut to Alastor as Vox continues singing.]

While he hid in radio, we pivoted to video! [pulls out a deer head] And now his medium is getting bloody rare! Hell's been better since he split. Where's he been? Who gives a shit?!

Alastor: Salutations! Good to be back on the air. Yes, I know it's been a while since someone with style treated Hell to a broadcast. Sinners rejoice!

Vox: What a dated voice!

Alastor: Instead of a clout chasing mediocre video podcast.

Vox: COME ON!

Alastor: Is Vox insecure pursuing allure? Flitting between this fad and that. Is nothing working?

Vox: IGNORE HIS CHIRPING!

Alastor: Everything's got a new format!

Vox: YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE FUTURE! [Singing.] He's the shit that comes before that!

Alastor: [Singing.] Is Vox as strong as he purports? Or is it based on his support? He'd be powerless without the other Vees!

Vox: Oh, PLEASE.

Alastor: [Singing.] And here's the sugar on the cream. He asked ME to join this team!

Vox: Hold on!

Alastor: [Singing.] I said no, and now he's pissy! That's the tea.

Vox: [Glitches.] You old timey PRICK! I'll show you suffering!

Alastor: Uh oh, the TV is buffering!

Vox: [Signal breaking up.] I'LL DESTROY YOOOOU YOU LITTLE -

Alastor: I'm afraid you've lost your signal. [Singing.] Let's begin. I'm gonna make you wish that I stayed gone! Tune on in. When I'm done, your status quo will know it's race is run! Oh, this will be fun! [Evil laughter.]

Vox: FUUUUUCK! [Cut to later.] We have a problem. Alastor as getting close to little princess Morningstar, so our main concern now is ensuring that no deal is ever struck between Lucifer's BRAT and that smiling freak!

Velvette: Well, how exactly are we supposed to stop it?

Val: Put something inside them. That's how I get the bitches to behave.

Vox: Well, maybe someone on the inside isn't such a bad idea...you think Angel would?

Val: That lanky prick won't even return my calls.

Vox: We need someone who little miss Bleeding Heart would take in.

Velvette: Someone...pathetic. Desperate. With no direct ties to us?

Val: I employ every down on their luck loser on this side of Hell. Who the fuck is left?

Vox: [Scoffs.] I think...I have JUST the one.

[Back at the hotel, Charlie throws herself onto a couch, exhausted.]

Angel: Soooo? How'd it go?

Vaggie: [Sighs.] Not a SINGLE new recruit.

Angel: yeah well, who would wanna spend their last days not fucking and fighting?

[Vaggie hears a knock on the front door, walks over to it and opens it up to find sir pentious holding his hat]

Pentious: Why hello my dear-

[Sir Pentious is then cut off by vaggie punching him in the face and pointing her spear at him]

Pentious: Wait wait wait! I come in peace

Vaggie: What are you doing here?

[charlie appears behind vaggie]

Charlie: vaggie, what’s the problem? *gasps* oh! Hello again!

Pentious: I didn’t come looking for a fight. I uhh.. I heard that you’re helping people, people who want to be better?

Charlie: *gasps* you heard right! Welcome to our home of healing, our resort of restoration, our-

[Angel dust appears and cuts off charlie]

Angel: are you fucking nuts? This chimp was trying to kill us like literally 6 hours ago! And now you wanna bring him in here to live with us?

Charlie: Absoloutely! This place is about second chances, and who deserves one more than this slithery… slippery… special little man!

Angel: aren’t you supposed to protect this place Vaggie?

Vaggie: *sighs* I guess he’s not much of a threat without the war machine, or even with the war machine

Charlie: Oh! Thank you thank you thank you thank you! Sir pentious! Welcome to the hazbin hotel!

Pentious: oh no darling! Thank you! You won’t regret this.

Angel: eh, I give you a week, tops.

Charlie: so, this is the bar and the bartender. This is the curtain and this is the new wall after you break the last one, heh, and oh! Oh! This is the-

Vaggie: Babe, you don’t have to show him every detail.

Charlie: sorry, I’m just so excited to have our first real guest!

Angel: uhm, what the hell am I then?

Charlie: well, you’re an important part of our family here Angel, but you uhm, uh…

Vaggie: constantly make us look bad, sexually harass the staff and have literally never once tried to improve?

Charlie: what she means is, it’s just nice to have someone interested for once. Over here we have our maid niffty.

Niffty: *gasps* the bad boy is back! NEVER LEAVE ME AGAIN.

Charlie: we’re about 80% sure she’s harmless, and over here we have- oh! Uh, Alastor! Our gracious facility manager! You’ve met our newest guest sir pentious…hehe..

Alastor: ah yes! You’re the one who ruined my coat! *in a creepy voice* I definitely remember you now.

[sir pentious gulps]

Charlie: well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson! *clears throat* how to apologize! The first step to becoming a better person is to admit when you are wrong, why don’t you give it a try?

Pentious: yes..uhm.. Mr uhm.. radio demon sir, please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat.. uhm.. here.

alastor: oh ho! Not many people have managed to get even this much off me, it must have meant quite a lot to you.

Charlie: now, with a new resident I think it’s important we all get to know each other! So we are going to play a little game. Everyone, follow me. My name is Charlie *claps twice* I like to sing! *claps twice* and when we get to know each other it’s the greatest thing! *claps twice*

Pentious: my name is Sir pentious *claps twice* I like to build *claps twice* and despite my stupid egg bois I think I’m very skilled! *claps twice*

Angel: this is stupid

Charlie: this is not stupid! *claps twice* It’s just a game! *claps twice* Sir pentious did it well so now please try to do the same! *claps twice*

angel: I am too sober for this.

Vaggie: well get used to it and learn how to play, this is gonna be your whole day! *claps twice*

Angel reading from a script: “I’m a bad man on the streets who never got enough hugs, now, where’s an innocent kid I can sell crack to?” Wow, who wrote this?

Charlie: it’s great right? Keep going!

Angel reading from a script: “hey you.”

pentious: “who, me?”

Angel: “yeah, you look like you could use some.. devil’s dandruff??” oh for fuck’s sake.

Pentius: “not me! I have to go home and study!”

Angel: “come on kid, it’ll make you cool like me.. the crackhead.”

Pentious: “the only cool thing here is to say no to drugs! Now, if you’ll excuse me I’m off to not have sexual intercourse before marriage!”

Charlie: *stands up and claps* yes! Oh bravo! Bravo! *chuckles* wow Pentious! At this rate, you’ll be redeemed in no time.

Angel: I..I’m going to bed.

Charlie: I am so proud of you Sir pentious! That was amazing!

Pentious: thank you! You like me! You really like me!

Valentino in a voice message: “Angel baby, come home, it’s not the same without you here, I miss you, come back. *shouting* Angel you BITCH! If you don’t come home you’ll be fucking greasy truckers for the next year!— hey! Amorcito, I didn’t mean to yell, but you know how crazy you make me feel- *shouting* you fucking SLUT! Hey Angie! About earlier- *shouting* ILL KILL YOUR WHOLE FUCKING FAMILY- work’s really stressful!- *shouting* LITTLE COCK SUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!— you actually think you can change? Addict trash like you doesn’t change. I’ll see you soon baby.”

Angel: sorry, not now fat nuggets. *drinking alcohol* huh? You slippery little shit!

Pentious: *screams*

Angel: you’re working for the Vees? I fucking knew there was something shitty about you.

Pentious: I don’t know what you’re talking about!…whore bug!

Angel: *growls*

Pentious: get your aggressively average body…OFF OF ME!

Angel: fuck!

Charlie: *yawns* what’s going on?

Angel: this little bitch is a traitor!

Pentious: preposterous! I would never betray you. You.. are my best friends!

Angel: uh huh, then explain this.

Pentious: ah! Ah! Abort! Abort! *talking to Vox on wrist watch* S.O.S! Agent Pentious in need of immediate evacuation!!

Vox: Pentious? Wait… you were caught?!? It hasn’t even been a day!

Pentious: Please! You’ve got to get me out of here!

Vox: I can’t believe we thought you could handle something even this simple. Do us a favour, if they don’t kill you, go ahead and do it yourself! You miserable failure!

pentious: *crying* I.. I… just make it quick I guess.. not that I deserve it.

Vaggie: gladly.

Charlie: wait! Pentious? *singing*                         it starts with sorry, that’s your foot in the door. one simple sorry, spoken straight from your core. The path to forgiveness, is a twisting trail of hearts! But sorry is where it starts!

Pentious: *singing* who could forgive a dirtbag like me? I don’t deserve your amnesty.

Angel and Vaggie: *singing* can’t we just kill him? Shoot him and spill his blood?

Charlie: *singing* that’s an option you could choose.

Angel and vaggie: *singing* works for us.

Charlie: *singing* but who hasn’t been in his shoes? It starts with sorry.

Pentious: *singing* sorry.

Charlie: *singing* dig down deeper and say one sincere sorry!

Pentious: *singing* I’m so sorry!

Charlie: *singing* and your journey’s underway!

Charlie and Pentious: *singing* it’ll take time to cover your/my vast multitude of sins,               But sorry is where it begins. It starts with sorry.

Niffty: I hated that song! Why are you so lame? Not a bad boy!

Charlie: *happily sighs* good first day! Lets get some rest!

Vox on the wrist watch: *shouting* WHAT?!?

Alastor: you’ll have to try harder than that next time old pal! *maniacal laughter*