Blitzo/Quotes

This is a transcribed copy of iconic quotes by Blitzo. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the respective episodes.

Helluva Boss pilot
"This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay? Oooh, what about a billboard?"

- Blitzo, denying Millie's car wash suggestion

"Hey, excuse me. What's "obnoxious" about a super fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement is spittin' bullshit!"

- Blitzo's reply to Moxxie's point

"Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did? Cus' right now, all I see is just my dad's ASSHOLE talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside."

- Blitzo, dramatically arguing with Moxxie

"Hi, there! I'm Blitzo! The "o" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P! Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell, or are you an innocent soul who got FUCKED over by someone else?!"

- Blitzo, advertising the company

"The FUCK is "insurance"?"

- Blitzo, to the doctor

"Hey, now. We don't blame our screw ups on Loona okay? She didn't do anything wroooooong~"

- Blitzo, babying Loona

"Oh, God. It was one time! If I hadn't slept with that privileged ASSHOLE, none of us would have access to the living world!"

- Blitzo, about Stolas

"Got the book, got the book, got this fucking heavy book. Oh, OH SHIT!"

- Blitzo, stealing Stolas's book and trying to sneak out of his house

"Sorry I fucked your husband."

- Blitzo, to Stella

"Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family and we don't get rid of family."

- Blitzo, defending Loona

"That is offensive. Without homeless people, I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life."

- Blitzo, about homeless people

"Spoiler alert, the butter is spoiled."

- Blitzo, to Millie "Whatcha dreamin' about?"

- Blitzo, to Moxxie

"Now, let's get back to talking about my outfit"

- Blitzo, about his outfit "They wanted us to kill an actual CHILD?"

- Blitzo, after Loona claims Eddie was in fact their target. "Y'know, folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people! So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's Hell and no one fuckin' cares."

- Blitzo, in a voiceover as the I.M.P disassembles Eddie's corpse.

"Murder Family"
"I mean, was she hotter?"

- Blitzo, to Mayberry "When you set fire to my office in front of a CLIENT, YOU FUCKIN' DIPSHIT!!"

- Blitzo, scolding Moxxie "Now, someone PLEASE tell me that fancy book is still intact!!"

- Blitzo, asking about the condition of the grimoire "Goat an asshole in the living worlds!? Come to I Am Pee!!??! Make sure you put this sign up on the rite side. Don't fuck this up. Also payment may take a couple of weeks because it cums in the mail. –Speech to text- -Blitzo-"

- An I.M.P billboard behind Blitzo, full of misspellings

"Now, let's go lick some ass!"

- Blitzo, right before entering a portal to the living world

"No, don’t be a puss, we're just killing a mother. We're RUINING a family!"

- Blitzo explaining his plan to Moxxie

"Oh, who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie? From the moment of birth you're already a parasite leeching off your mama's tits, now get the FUCK over yourself you baby-dicked prude-"

- Blitzo yelling at Moxxie for messing up his shot

"OW! A NEW HOLE! SCATTER!"

- Blitzo when he gets shot "Stop using your fancy-ass rich people talk, okay? I'm tryna concentrate on not getting FUCKED IN MY A!!!"

- Blitzo, on the phone with Stolas

"Yeah that's not exactly how it works, lady. Sorry, your fire doesn't hurt us. But, I mean, I could fake it if that would get your dick hard."

- Blitzo talking to Martha

"Apology accepted. But, if you ever pull a stunt like this again, I will FUCK you and your wife-Alrighty, job well done, now let's get off!"

- Blitzo accepting Moxxie's apology for messing up his shot "Look, I don't care where you cum in the living world. Just 'cum' to your job on time, alright?"

- Blitzo, teasing Moxxie

"Loo Loo Land"

 * [Impersonating Millie]: "Oh, Blitzo, you're such a good boss!"
 * [Impersonating Moxxie]: "Yeah, I really want you, sir."
 * [Impersonating Millie]: "Me, too!"
 * [As himself], Let's three-way! -Blitzo playing with dolls and fantasizing about a threesome with Moxxie and Millie

"Ah... Look, I just had a chemical peel. So, you'll have to find someone else's face to plant that feathered ass!"

- Blitzo telling Stolas to sleep with someone else

"We're assassins, not bodyguards, okay? Don't invite us to SHIT unless someone is gonna die!"

- Blitzo about to reject Stolas to be his bodyguards

"Listen to your hoe, Mox."

- Blitzo, convincing Moxxie to buy a one-time-use novelty cup

"Hey! I am NOT a day hooker!"

- Blitzo responding to Octavia's comment

"I hate that fucking clown..."

- Blitzo and Octavia saying they hate Robo Fizz

"Hey the "o" is silent, now!"

- Blitzo responding to Robo Fizz

"Bitch, I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap-ass robo rip-off of an overrated sellout jester!"

- Blitzo insulting Robo Fizz

"No. But, I'm really good with guns now. Dance, bitch!"

- Blitzo to Robo Fizz

"Oh, what a mouth!"

- Blitzo, after Robo Fizz catches and spits out a bullet fired by Blitzo

"Worth it! That slutty toy clown had it coming!"

- Blitzo responding to Moxxie

"Spring Broken"
"Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum dump! You have three goddamn seconds to get your tits out of my parking spot!"

- Blitzo, warning Verosika that she has three seconds to find another parking space

"Oh, shit! Verosika?! I should've known you'd be here. I can smell fish for miles, which is odd. Because, I believe the nearest ocean is... three rings down!"

- Blitzo, after he sees Verosika

"Oh, yeah? I'm surprised they let your fat ass outta rehab. I can see you're still a drunken whore, clutching onto that Beelzejuice bottle like it's the last cock in Hell!"

- Blitzo, insulting Verosika

"Why are you parking here?! This is the ONLY parking spot my company has! So, take your tampon race car SOMEWHERE ELSE!"

- Blitzo, telling Verosika to move

"And run three rings to Wrath, and max your credit card on shitty horse riding lessons. God damn it, whore you will not let it go!"

- Blitzo, to Verosika

"Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that."

- Blitzo, to himself

"Okay, look. You're all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't pry into your personal lives."

- Blitzo, claiming he doesn’t pry into his employee’s personal lives

"Moxxie! Don't let her access any of your holes!"

- Blitzo panicking when Moxxie gets sexually harassed by Verosika Mayday and her crew

"If you’re gonna be shitty to my employees, then I challenge you to a fucking…challenge! Fuck, I said that twice."

- Blitzo, threaning to start a "demon duel"

"Every year, you STD go up topside for easy pickin's while spring break is a prime time for crime of all kinds! So I bet you succu-bitches can't FUCK as many people as we can OFF by the end of the day."

- Blitzo, explaining his proposed demon-duel

"Absolutely not, I forbid it. Not gonna happen, sorry sweetie. Spring break is not a place for young, vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of FREAKS up there who'd drool all over you!"

- Blitzo, breaking the fourth wall

"God DAMMIT! That bitch started her goadish mating call! Now she's gonna win with all these sex maniacs! We gotta pick things up, guys!"

- Blitzo, when Verosika starts singing

"Wha-- Wha-- Where's my baby?!"

- Blitzo, referring to Loona "ConverSATION leads to HPV!!!"

- Blitzo, to Vortex

"Because, I adopted you! And that should mean something!"

- Blitzo to Loona

"Come on, Loonie Tooney! Let's go back and park out FAT, FUCKIN' car in our FAT, FUCKIN' SPACE!!"

- Blitzo to Loona, while attempting to antagonize Verosika

"Oh my god, I just went through puberty twice"

- Blitzo, during the end credits after poorly singing along to "Mustang Dong"

"C.H.E.R.U.B"
"Please, tell me you got that insurance thing."

- Blitzo when he sees Loopty Goopty break a hole through the wall

"Not even a shit’s length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge. I can respect a man with that sort of passion!"

- Blitzo introducing himself

"Mm hmm, you gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?"

- Blitzo, to Lyle saying not to listen to the Cherubs about how great nature is

"HEY, HORNY LOVERS! WHICH ONE OF YOU WOULD FUCK THIS OLD MAN?"

- Blitzo, asking if anyone would like to sleep with Lyle, who is referred to as ugly

"Well, someone wants that fucker dead! And he paid in advance and I spent it all on this: *shows a jewel toy horse* so he gotta go!!"

- Blitzo, telling the Cherubs that Loopty wants Lyle dead.

"Welp, the old man wanted to live again and we didn't kill him. So, we failed. Thanks to those fuckin' cherubs, he'd probably up in Heaven, now. So... it's a shame. All our client wanted was revenge on his business partner. And now the two are forever separated. And now we gotta face the fire of fuckin' up... ...Oh, I already sent him a text, and we're in good hands because texts don't make people angry."

- Blitzo, disappointed they didn't finish the job.

"The Harvest Moon Festival"
"Wrath, huh? My employees are from there. I’ve never really been there. I've heard it's full of inbred chuckle fucks."

- Blitzo, to Stolas about the Wrath Ring

"Look, I told you, we’re not bodyguards, okay? That was a one-time thing we did badly."

- Blitzo, reminding Stolas of the time I.M.P accompanied him to Loo Loo Land

"Oh fuck my clients!"

- Blitzo, to Stolas

"It's a pleasure to finally meet the sperm and egg factory that popped out this little gem of an assassin! You two raised a sturdy bitch!"

- Blitzo, complimenting Lin and Joe on their parenting skills

"Ha! He's right, Moxxie, (speaks baby talk) You got a cute wittle baby hands like your baby dick."

- Blitzo, being demeaning towards Moxxie

"Millie, I am not above hitting a female in front of her daddy."

- Blitzo, to Millie

"Yeah, well if you’re good at somethin', you should probably capitalize."

- Blitzo, to Striker about having a killing business

"Well, it’s long and complicated, but the short answer is yes. But he’s not like, you know-- W- We’re y- We're not, like... We’re not doing it... We w- What's betw- It’s a transactional fucking, you see."

- Blitzo, explaining to Striker about his connection with Stolas

"Uh, excuse me...the FUCK?!?!"

- Blitzo, to Striker, when he was about to kill Stolas

"You think I wanted to stand there with hillbillies excited about corn and shit with a thirsty owl on stage?"

- Blitzo's reason for not staying at the festival

"Yeeaaaaahhh. Well, I'm not a fan of someone I offered a JOB to about to off my easiest lengthy ticket to Earth behind my back!"

- Blitzo, to Striker

"Took ya long enough, Mox! Ha-HA! Wow, you should’ve seen your dipshit face!"

- Blitzo, Striker

"Wow... Woah, okay. Cliché much?"

- Blitzo, to Striker

"Oh, you DADDY FUCKER!!!"

- Blitzo, to Striker

"Ugh, fuckin' damn it, Loona."

- Blitzo, when he notices Loona hasn't come to rescue

"In your wet dreams you honky-tonk GOAAAAT!"

- Blitzo, to Striker

"Aw, Moxxie, look at you! Speechin' like a big boy with his big paaaants!"

- Blitzo, to Moxxie, when he stands up for Millie

"Truth Seekers"
"Shh! Remember, we can't be seen! ... I said shush your dick-sucking lips, Moxxie!"

- Blitzo, whilst rummaging through a trash can

"Back off you tuxedo wearing fucks!"

- Blitzo before being captured by Agents one and two

"Look, shitbag. It takes a lot to keep me down alright? I've took a fuck ton of tranquilizers in the college I dropped out of, also I've been strapped nipple first to a car battery so I- o-okay!"

- Blitzo being interrogated by the Agents

"Or we might like it too much. And then you got a whole new things to deal with."

- Blitzo, trying to irritate the D.H.O.R.K.S agents

"Ah you're stupid huh? I can work with stupid. Daddy likey dummy!"

- Blitzo talking to Agent One during interrogation.

"Ohhh, gettin' kinky!"

- Blitzo, being an immature douchebag "Ugh, she'll be fine, Moxxie. It'd take a roided-up hippo to take down that woman when she's upset."

- Blitzo, telling Moxxie that Millie's fine

"Do you ever honestly shut up about Millie?! It's always "Oh how's Millie? I can't tonight, I'm hangin' with Millie. I'm so worried about Millie!" And she's ALWAYS FIVE FUCKING FEET AWAY FROM YOU! It's pathetic."

- Blitzo being affected by the Truth Gas

"Dammit Moxxie this is all YOUR fault!"

- Blitzo before entering his trip

"It is no prank, bitch! Because you my precious little bitch boy, are tripping BALLS!"

- Hallucination Blitzo talking to Moxxie "♫I know! I push my friends away... ...I dont know, eventually everyone goes!♫"

- Hallucination Blitzo to Moxxie

"♫Whyyy, Moxxie, whyyy? Do you have Millie put it in your butt?♫"

- Hallucination Blitzo, being gracefully immature

"Look, I'm hard on you because I know what you're capable of Mox, you care too much about with everyone thinks expect for me because, you know, my opinion is correct but, just keep doing a good job kay? You shoot and kill good, you escape things easy, you can be strategic and coldblooded when you need to, and don't expect any more compliments I'm maxed out."

- Blitzo opening up to Moxxie

"You know my name, use it."

- Blitzo when Moxxie calls him sir

"Okay, I've had one too many emotions for today, guys let's FUCK THESE FUCKERS UP!"

- Blitzo when being surrounding by D.H.O.R.K.S. agents

"Now, who wants some quality time with daddy?"

- Blitzo being surrounded by the agents

"Alright, but you are keeping quiet or I'm using those bear traps."

- Blitzo agrees to have sex with Stolas

"Ozzie's"
"Woo, that was a fuck ton of lumberjacks!"

- Blitzo, after murdering all the lumberjacks

"Y-you know, you have really nice eyes, daddy?"

- Blitzo, to the bouncer

"I was wondering if you... wanna come with me to a club tonight?"

- Blitzo, asking Stolas out on a date

"Wow. That's a bit overkill, don't ya think?"

- Blizto, about Stolas's entrance and outfit for their date

"Oh, no fucking way. Not HIM!"

- Blitzo, upon seeing Fizzarolli on stage

"Hey, now. I've watched those two pork many times. And, honestly, they make missionary look relatively exciting!"

- Blitzo, about Moxxie and Millie

"You know what? This was a mistake. Alright, let's just -- let's just leave."

- Blitzo, after Moxxie's performance

"I'm not fucking you tonight, okay? I'm really just…I'm really not in the mood, Stolas."

- Blitzo, refusing to have sex with Stolas

"Stolas, don't act like what we have is anything but you wanting me to fuck you, okay? You make that really clear all the time. [voice breaking] But, I just, I-I can't do it tonight, okay? I'm sorry."

- Blitzo, to Stolas

"Queen Bee"

"This guy"

-Blitzo responding to what he was doing

"Christ on a stick you would be a Dennis get the fuck away from me! I'm not fucking a Dennis tonight!"

-Blitzo to Dennis

"Fuck, Fizz was right I'm gonna die alone aren't I?"

-Drunken Blitzo to Loona

"I dunno jus- [drunken mumbles] ..Lonely... Gonna die alone.."

-Drunken Blitzo to Loona

"Fuck! Yeah, I did need to throw up."

-Blitzo after puking

"The Circus"
"You say that with sarcasm, but I totes would be."

- Young Blitzo telling young Stolas about wanting to own a circus

"Seeing Stars"
"Okay, my dick is good. But, it's not that good, Moxxie."

- Blitzo, panicking

"So, what? You just want me to call him up and be like, "Hey, Stolas"--"

- Blitzo, before the phone call with Stolas "So, your daughter came by, took your book, and teleported off to who the fuck knows where, and we have no way of getting either of them back, okay?! Okay! Good talk, byeee!"

- Blitzo, on the phone with Stolas

"No. No, no, no, you can't have her! She's mine, and I love her!"

- Blitzo, to the Child Actor

"Oh, this doesn’t look much different from Hell."

- Blitzo after arriving in L.A.

"Exes and Oohs"
"Are you fucking kidding me?! There's someone who's fucked both of you?"

- Blitzo, after Chaz is introduced

"Ha! There’s dicks in walls, oh that’s fucking hilarious!"

- Blitzo, after seeing the dildos come out of the walls.

"Ew, what the- Do you think I would violate my friend's trust by sleeping with their ex, especially one who fucked them over the way you did?"

- Blitzo, to Chaz

"Buckle up, Mille... we're doing a Shrek!"

- Blitzo, before crashing into the wall

"I object!"

- Blitzo, after exiting the car

"By the way y'all should probably know Chaz isn't even rich, okay? Check his car, he just played you like a fucking rube. Later loosers!"

- Blitzo, taunting Crimson after the fight.

"Well I'm glad everything ended up okay, Good to know we both have Daddy issues, Mox. Also, I got to plow your Ex-Boyfriend, isn't that great? Now we all fucked the same guy!"

- Blitzo, celebrating after the botched wedding.

"Western Energy"
"Oh shit. Stolas, I can't today alright? I'm sorry. I-I'm literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important hellbies S. H. O. T."

- Blitzo, to Stolas

"It takes years to book an appointment at this place. It took five for this one, and she's been doing a lot of field work so, you know, she needs it."

- Blitzo, explaining his situation to Stolas "Now get your asses down there and look for some cowboy crap or something"

- Blitzo, to Moxxie and Millie "Christ on a stick! Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered-ass kidnapped...I have waited five fucking years for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITLE RED HOLE!"

- Blitzo, expressing frustration on Stolas getting kidnapped

"The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking re-allly can't say that word anymore."

- Blitzo, stopping himself from saying the r word to the nurse "Oh, please. I bet the hardest work you've ever done is convincing your husband that little shit's his."

- Blitzo, arguing with a mother "Me? Oh, I kill people. How does a two for one special sound, whore?"

- Blitzo, threatening to kill the mother and her kid "Yep right there, told ya dipshit."

- Blitzo, to Doc "Stolas got what? How? ... He can get hurt?"

- Blitzo, shocked and horrified to learn that Stolas got badly hurt

Blitzo/Frases