Spring Broken/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of Spring Broken. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

[The scene starts with Blitzo and the crew driving their gray van along the street.]

Blitzo: I love this song!

''[Blitzo sings along loudly to the rock music, albeit getting some of the lyrics wrong. Moxxie covers his ears in the back while Millie rolls down her window and smiles. They drive into an old crowded parking lot. A pink car pulls into the remaining parking space.]''

Blitzo: Holy shit-

''[Blitzo slams onto the brakes and the van skids to a stop. Blitzo turns off the radio and glares at the person in the pink car. He glances at the license plate]''

Blitzo: Oh you “suck for life”, do ya?!

[Blitzo pulls out a megaphone and yells into it]

Blitzo: Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum dump! You have three goddamn seconds to get your dick out of my parking spot…

''[Verosika steps out of her car with high heels. Blitzo lowers the megaphone, shocked]''

Blitzo: Oh shit! Verosika!

[Verosika blows a bubble of pink gum before it pops]

Verosika: Blitzo. [Pronounces the o]

Blitzo: I should have known you’d be here. I could smell fish for miles. Which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is…

[Blitzo falls and face-plants onto the ground before standing up]

Blitzo: Three rings down!

Verosika: And I should have known you’d be here when I heard the Amber Alerts.

Blitzo: Oh yeah? I’m surprised they let your fat ass out of rehab. I can see you’re still a drunken whore, clutching onto that beelzejuice bottle like it’s the last cock in Hell.

[Verosika flips her long hair back dramatically]

Verosika: They let me out because I’m still famous, and rehab is for sad, loser wash-ups.

[Verosika takes a drink from her bottle and wipes her mouth with her thumb.]

Verosika: So your sister says hi.

[Blitzo angrily steps in front of Verosika.]

Blitzo: Why are you parking here? This is the only parking spot my company has. So take your tampon race car somewhere else.

Verosika: Actually prick, it has my name on it.

''[Verosika points down to her name written in purple spray paint by their feet. I.M.P. is crossed out on the ground.]''

Verosika: I’m doing a bit of freelance for one of the infinitely more successful companies in the building.

[Loona watches from the van.]

Loona: No way.

Verosika: And they wanted to have me come in this week to lead their team during spring break.

Blitzo: A week?! No, no, you are not parking here for a fucking week!

[Verosika removes her sunglasses.]

Verosika: Aw, you mad, Blitzo? You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car…

Blitzo and Verosika: …and run three rings to Wrath and max my credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?!

Blitzo: God dammit whore, you will not let that go!

Verosika: Choke on a sandpaper cock.

(Verosika flips him the bird and walks away while Loona fearfully lowers her head in the van.)

(Blitzo follows Verosika)

Blitzo: Hold on, you better move that pussy wagon right now or I’m gonna…

(A towering muscular Hellhound man appears behind Blitzo and growls)

Hellhound: You’ll what?

(Blitzo glances around and stutters in fear)

Blitzo: Or I’ll… um… I’ll call HR.

(Verosika, Blitzo and the Hellhound laugh as if in a sitcom)

Verosika: Anyway, meet my new Hellhound, Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well.

(Verosika leaves with her bodyguard. She flips Blitzo off)

Verosika: Ta ta, fuck stain.

Blitzo: Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that.

(Loona steps out of the van)

Loona: You know Verosika Mayday?!

Blitzo: Huh? Oh yeah, her, yeah, we dated.

Millie: Was it before or after she became a pop star?

(Moxxie steps out of the van)

Moxxie: You dated a popstar?!

Blitzo: Okay, why are you all acting like that’s such a shock?

Loona: Hello. It’s Verosika Mayday?

Millie: It’s you?

(Moxxie scratches his head)

Moxxie: I just… Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?

Blitzo: Okay look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don’t pry into your stupid personal lives.

Moxxie: You do that all the time, sir!

Millie: Come on, you kinda do that.

Loona: You totally do that.

(Millie grins mischievously, eyelids lowering)

Millie: What was sex with her like?

(Moxxie looks taken aback)

Moxxie: Millie!

Millie: What?! It’s a pop star! You’d wanna to know what sex with Michael Crawford was like.

Moxxie: Touché.

Blitzo: Okay look, let’s just drop it! Millie, find a temporary spot for that truck. Okay Loonie, Moxxie, let’s go handle this shit.

(Blitzo tosses Millie some keys and she gleefully catches them before running off.)

(The scene cuts to Loona, Moxxie and Blitzo stepping out of an elevator. Loona walks nervously forward.)

Loona: You think they saw me? Fuck! I did my makeup shitty today.

(Blitzo smiles at her with shining eyes).

Blitzo: Oh you look perfect, Loonie. Like always.

(Loona narrows her eyes and scowls.)

Loona: Oh shut up da...urgh!

(Blitzo looks at her with adoration on his face. Loona catches herself and shoves Blitzo aside.)

Loona: …Blitzo!

(Loona checks her face in a hand-held mirror, stepping over Blitzo before accidentally bumping into Vortex. She looks up in embarrassment)

Loona: Oh. Whoa.

(Vortex glances down at Loona. Loona blushes and wags her tail. Blitzo smiles at Loona before he gasps in shock. He moves between Loona and Vortex, his arms out.)

Blitzo: Hey, big man. Where’s your bitch bag of an employer?

Vortex: She’s in her office. There wasn’t room on the second floor so they rented one here on this one. It’s way cheaper.

(Vortex mentions to a nearby room with neon pink hearts over double doors. “V” and “M” are spray-painted on the door windows.)

Blitzo: Oh come on!

Vortex (scoffs): Sorry, man.

(Vortex walks away)

Blitzo (mutters): Oh no you don’t, bitch.

Moxxie: Sir, how about you let me go in and try to reason with her. I don’t really listen to what’s classified as “pop genre” music, so her status to me is…

(Blitzo tunes Moxxie out with a glare)

Blitzo: Moxxie, shut the fuck up.

Moxxie: All righty then.

(Moxxie pushes open the doors and goes inside. The silhouettes of Moxxie, Verosika and her gang of demons are seen through the glass window)

Moxxie: Hello Miss Verosika, was it? I work for Imp and it is actually rather important for us to retain the singular parking space we were assigned because-

Milky: *(points to Moxxie)* Aw look at the little one. He’s got a wittle bow tie.

Moxxie: Please don’t condescend me, ma’am. I-

Josh: Want a kissy, little guy?

Moxxie: A... kind offer, but… I’m married.

(The gang of demons surround Moxxie)

Verosika: Hey, why don’t you send a little message from me back to your limp-dick boss?

(The demon silhouettes bare their fangs over Moxxie to sexually assault him)

Moxxie: (screams) Don’t touch that!

(Blitzo races and presses his hands against the window)

Blitzo: Moxxie, do not let her access any of your holes!

(Moxxie races back into the hall, panting with his back against the door. He walks past them, battered and shaken with red lipstick kisses all over his face).

Moxxie: (stuttering and shaken) I… I gotta go lie down… now.

Blitzo: Oh this won’t stand!

(Blitzo shoves both doors open, causing Verosika and her gang to notice.)

Blitzo: All right (censored)! That’s it!

(Blitzo stomps toward Verosika)

Blitzo: If you’re gonna be shitty to my employees, then I challenge you to a fucking… challenge! Fuck I said that twice.

Kiki: Mmmm. Is this imp boy starting a demon duel?

Verosika: (Chuckles) I think he is.

(Verosika leans in toward Blitzo)

Verosika: What’s the game then, Blitzo?

Blitzo: Every year, you STD spreaders go up topside for easy pickings while spring break is a prime time for crime of all kinds. So I bet…you succu-bitches can’t fuck as many people as we can off by the end of the day.

(The Succubi and incubi laugh. Blitzo glares in determination. They stop laughing.)

Verosika: Oh, you’re serious?

(She leans in close to Blitzo’s face, speaking in a low whisper).

Verosika: Game on, bitch.

(Later at I.M.P. headquarters, Blitzo stands in front of the whiteboard. Behind him is an easel with drawings on papers. The other I.M.P members sit at a table and listen.)

Blitzo: Alright, shut your assholes, here’s how we’re going to do this shit. First, we find a fuck ton of clients.

(The animated drawings on the paper show Blitzo, Loona, Millie and Moxxie standing together. A bunch of imps and clients surround them with bags of money)

Blitzo: We portal up.

(Blitzo drawing snaps his fingers. The I.M.P. figures fall down.)

Blitzo: We have our fun murder time as per usual.

(The I.M.P. drawings kill off human drawings with guns).

Blitzo: We pile all the bodies into a big fucking canoe.

(The human bodies are tossed into a canoe that reads S.S. Cum Gutter)

Blitzo: We push said canoe into some water. We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles and maybe a goose, too. Fuck it.

(Animated drawings of sharks, snakes, eagles and creatures eat the bodies set on fire in the canoe. A large octopus chomps the entire ship and the animals)

Blitzo: They come and eat the bodies, we win the bet…

(The I.M.P drawings cheer and the Loona figure wears a party hat.)

Blitzo: We rub it in that sloppy bitch’s drunken whore ass face.

(The I.M.P. members give a Verosika drawing several middle fingers. The Verosika drawing bursts into tears. The scene cuts back to the meeting)

Blitzo: Do you have any questions?

Moxxie: Uh, yeah. Why was that nonsense?

(Blitzo walks over to Moxxie)

Blitzo: That wasn’t a question.

Moxxie: That wasn’t a plan.

(Blitzo puts a hand around Moxxie)

Blitzo: I’m sorry, but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do, Mox. It’s not my fault you’ve got a smooth little brain upstairs.

Moxxie: A what now?

Blitzo: I’m calling you slow, Moxxie. God, why don’t you learn to take criticism, you talentless baby dick troll?

(Blitzo points several times into Moxxie’s chest. In anger, Moxxie stands up on the table and points at Blitzo.)

Moxxie: Well why don’t you take an art class?

(Blitzo grabs Moxxie and throws him back on his chair.)

Blitzo: Why don’t you see how expensive they are?!

Loona: Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?

(Blitzo crosses his arms in disapproval)

Blitzo: Absolutely not. I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who drool all over you.

(All four characters stare at the camera, breaking the fourth wall.)

Loona: Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough. Just let me tag along.

Blitzo: Wait, say that again.

Loona: I can blend in?

Millie: Do you have a human disguise?

Loona: Yeah. Don’t you?

(The imps nervously look at each other, eyes side to side)

Loona: You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time without human disguises?!

Blitzo: Okay, new plan!

(Blitzo scribbles on a piece of paper and hangs it on the easel. It shows Loona surrounded by humans with hearts around them.)

Blitzo: Loonie can help lure the humans to us and we’ll take care of the rest. Okay how about that?

Millie: Flawless logic.

Moxxie: I think you’re missing the biggest issue, sir. Isn’t it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren’t just going up to massacre.

Blitzo: I got that covered, Mox.

(Later, Blitzo puts up a ratty flyer reading “Spring Break Victim, 50% Off!” with drawings of Blitzo, a dead victim and horses. Blitzo walks to Moxxie)

Blitzo: Now, we wait.

Moxxie: Sir, there is no way we are going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one poorly spelled bad grammar flyer!

(Moxxie and Blitzo look to see demons lining up, looking at the flyer. Blitzo grins smugly and elbows Moxxie. Blitzo strolls toward the other demons)

Blitzo: Now, who’s first?

(The scene cuts to a beach in the human world. People happily walk around, relax and talk. Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie and Loona hide behind coral-covered rocks under a dock.)

Blitzo: Now remember, we can’t be seen, alright? And loose shots will likely cause a panic, so Loona can help with leading targets to a better spot to off them. You got the list, Loonie?

(Loona skims a long list in her hands and gives it a sniff.)

Loona: Got it.

(Loona stands up and in a swirling flash of blue light, she turned into a human version of herself. The imps stare in shock.)

Blitzo: Oh Loonie, look at you! You look downright awful!

(Loona glares at Blitzo)

Blitzo: I am so proud. Now fetch!

(Loona peers in front of her, her target humans outlined in red in her vision. Loona smirks and strolls over to a tall man wearing sunglasses. She moves a finger toward his chest and gives him a flirtatious grin. She motions behind her and to a private alleyway. Loona leads him into the alleyway and leans against the wall. The man reaches out to grab her in lust but is shot in the head by Blitzo spying on the roof. He gives Loona a thumbs up.)

(In the next shot, a blonde man runs to her in an alleyway with a hungry lustful look on his face. He is caught in a noose by Blitzo. On a rooftop, a brown haired man leans in to kiss Loona, but Millie knocks him off the roof with a kick. The man falls into a dumpster that Moxxie slams shut. Loona walks with a fat man down the sidewalk and a flower pot crashes into his head. Blitzo kills a woman with a knife, Millie kills a white haired woman with a spiked baseball bat, another woman gets shot in the head.

(Blitzo and the gang put the bodies in bloodstained dark trash bags, closing them. In the background, Millie jumps on another body.)

Blitzo: That’s nine kills in the bag! I like to see that waily snatch orgasm that many…

Verosika: All right spring breakers! Are y'all ready to get fucked up and make some bitchin' bad choices?!

Fan boy: Verosika!

Verosika: This is your final boarding call, All aboard~

(Verosika performs on stage. “Fuck you Blitzo” appears on the screens. Blitzo growls like a rapid animal with droll foaming from his mouth. The humans make out with others around them. A white teen cheers “Verosika!” and has her name written on his chest. The humans kiss, hug, grind on each other. A disguised succubus shows a human a popsicle with semen-like saliva on it as several other succubi and incubi grin and sneak up on the humans.)

Blitzo: God dammit, that bitch started her godish mating call! Now she’s gonna win all those sex maniacs. We gotta pick things up, guys! He on the list, Loonie?

(Blitzo mentions to a vomiting blonde man next to him.)

Loona: Huh? Yeah I think so.

(A distracted Loona looks at Vortex guarding the stage.)

Blitzo: Good!

(Blitzo takes out an axe.)

Blonde man: Whoa, what are you? A leprechaun? (laughs)

Blitzo: Oh yeah, pretty cool, huh?

(Blitzo smashes his head with a black and red sharp ax)

Blitzo: But you sure as hell ain’t gonna tell nobody. All right, next one, Loonie, come on.

(Blitzo glances around to find Loona nowhere in sight. He panics.)

Blitzo: Where’s my baby?!

Millie: (Points to the stage) Look!

(The fanboy runs toward Verosika on stage but Vortex punches him into the ground, head first. He drags the man away in the distance. Loona walks over toward Vortex, avoiding a French-kissing couple and tossing aside a bra. A male incubus smirks at her, eyebrows raised. She lands an uppercut to his chin.)

Verosika: Now, who wants a piece of this!

(Verosika tosses her bottle into the ocean, creating a golden portal. A fish appears, which rapidly grows into a monster.)

(Loona walks over nervously toward Vortex)

Loona: Heyyyy... you...

Vortex: Hey. You’re the hound working for my boss’s freaky ex.

Loona: Yeah. Sorry if that’s weird.

Vortex: It’s cool. Her beef ain’t mine. I’m not paid enough to care.

Loona: (nervously) Yeah. Yeah. I’m Loona!

Vortex: Okay. (repeats her nervous tone and smile) I’m Vortex!

Loona: That’s hot. I mean like literally you know because vortexes, you know, they give off heat. Probably.

Vortex: Uh, yeah. I guess. But my friends call me Tex.

Loona: Oh yeah. I wish I had friends. I mean no, I mean, I don’t. I… I don’t have friends.

(Blitzo arrives and stands between them)

Blitzo: Am I interrupting something?

Vortex: Nah man. Just having a conversation.

Blitzo: “Conversation” leads to HPV!

(Moxxie and Millie hide behind metal cans)

Moxxie: And... we lost him. Huh, it’s looking like it’s up to us handle this list.

Millie: Hell yeah! Team M and M, getting shit down, making the money!

(Moxxie and Millie run off in the sunset and kill more people starting with the ice cream shop before jumping over the rooftop to kill some more.)

Loona: Blitzo! Get the fuck out of here. You’re gonna get us all into shit!

Blitzo: I just wanted to see what was so important that you’d be distracted from your job.

Loona: What, I can’t have a break?

Blitzo: We have a parking spot on the line!

Vortex: Hey dude. Why don’t you chill out?

Blitzo: Why don’t you stay out of it? Okay, this is our business. Literally.

Loona: (Groans in frustration) Fuck, Blitzo! Why can’t you stay out of my face for like five minutes?!

Blitzo: Because I adopted you! And that should mean something.

Loona: Oh what does it matter? You’re not my real dad! I was almost eighteen!

Blitzo: It still counts!

Loona: Well it shouldn’t. I didn’t need you then, asshole! I don’t now.

(Millie and Moxxie hides behind a table with steel barrels of beer. Millie loads a crossbow for Moxxie to take it. He peeks over and prepares to shoot when a human man comes over and throws the beer can down.)

Human: Yeah! Party!

(The man knocks the cans aside, sending Moxxie and Millie into the air. Moxxie lands in front of dozens of people. A woman points at Moxxie in disgust.)

Woman: Ewww! Oh my god! It’s a fucking possum!

Moxxie: Oh, crumbs!

(Moxxie tries to get away, but one of the partygoers catches him by the tail.)

Skool: I got it!

(Skool picks up Moxxie and shoves him into a barrel of beer. The group cheer as they carry the barrel away. Moxxie drinks the beer inside and gets drunk)

(Loona tries to say something to an upset Blitzo, who crosses his arms)

Loona: Uh... Blitzo... I'm-

Blitzo: Enjoy your break, Loonie. I’m gonna go kill something!

Loona: Uh.

Vortex: Damn, girl. That was savage. You okay?

(He places a comforting hand on her shoulder. Loona blushes)

Loona: Yeah, I’m fine. He’ll get over it. He always does.

Vortex: I’m glad you could stick up for yourself, at least. Hmm. Takes guts.

Loona: Thanks.

(Millie goes over toward a wobbling barrel. She tips it over and Moxxie and the beer spill out onto the ground).

Millie: Moxxie!

Moxxie: (Drunken) Millie! Hi! Hey! Hey, when did you get four heads? I wanna kiss ‘em! (Makes smooching noises)

(Millie picks up the drunken Moxxie. The fish monster let’s out roars and emerges from the ocean. The monster crushes a relaxing human, sending blood everywhere. The humans scream and run away. Blitzo looks at the monster as he finishes chocking another man).

Moxxie: Ooooh, fish.

(The monster wraps its tongue around Moxxie, pulls him closer and closes its mouth.)

(Millie kills a guy with a knife. She lights a cloth on fire and tosses a moltov cocktail at the fish. The fish loses balance and falls down. Millie rushes into the ocean and slices up the fish's body with her knife. She pries open the monster’s mouth, seeing Moxxie punching the monster's uvula. She reaches out her hand toward Moxxie, who briefly gives her a high five. She grabs hold of him and slices the tongue, freeing both of them. Moxxie smiles, closes his eyes and spreads his arms as he flies. He lands into Blitzo’s arms. A human man celebrates after avoiding getting hit from the tongue, but Blitzo kills him with his flitlock out of annoyance.)

(Inside of the monster's mouth, Millie punches the tongue as the monster spits her out as Millie starts wrestling with it.)

Moxxie: I love that woman!

Blitzo: Oh she totally pegs you, doesn’t she?

(Millie leaps into the air with her knife and lands inside the monster. She slices off his stomach from the inside before tiredly making her way back to shore)

Blitzo: Oh yeah, way to show off, Mils!

Millie: Is Mox okay?

Blitzo: Oh yeah he’s fine.

(Millie holds Moxxie in her arms as Moxxie grins with a doped expression)

Moxxie: This is funny. I'm sooooo... drinky.

(Millie hugs Moxxie)

Blitzo: Okay, this is too wholesome for my liking.

Verosika: Blitzo.

Blitzo: Oh perfect. That must be the whores!

Verosika: That was handled rather… obvious, don’t you think?

Millie: I don’t think this belonged to any of us.

(Millie tosses the flask back to Verosika, who catches it, then drop-passes it to Milky.)

Millie: Would be a shame if anyone found out you guys were behind a giant monster fish in the human world.

Moxxie: (Laughs) Oh Satan! You all be so... fucked!

Verosika: Yeah, well you three nasty ass gremlins will be in shit for not being in disguises.

Moxxie (faceplants) A human called me a possum. I am not a possum!

Blitzo: You know, we could keep this little B movie scene on the down low if you agree to let us use that parking space.

Verosika: Fine.

Blitzo: We fucking won!

Millie: Fuck yeah! Blitzo: In your face, bitch!

Verosika: Come on, let’s get out of here. Tex!

Vortex: Well, guess it’s time to bounce, but hey, if you’re ever down to party, I’ll give you a ring sometime.

Loona: Really? I mean, yeah. Yeah.

Vortex: Yeah. My girlfriend throws a ton of crazy hound parties.

Loona: Nice. Can’t wait for my first one.

Vortex: Let’s get you some friends, girl.

(Vortex gives her a playful punch before following Verosika. Loona looks downcast at seeing Vortex leave and being reminded of her confrontation with Blitzo)

Blitzo: Come on, Loonie Tooney! Let’s go back and park our fat fucking car in our fat fucking space!

(I.M.P. go through the portal. Loona falls through the portal backwards)

(Blitzo mockingly gives Verosika double middle fingers through the portal, making her growl like a tiger in anger.)

(Verosika and her gang huddle together in fear as guns are aimed at them, surrounded by the police, a clown, and a mine robot)

Police: Put your hands up, you sick deviants!

Verosika: Alright, sluts, get ready to suck a lot of pig dick.

(Her gang all sigh as they raise their hands)