Helluva Boss Pilot/Transcript

'''This is a transcribed copy of "Helluva Boss Pilot". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.'''

''[The scene opens with a city shot that slowly zooms in on the Immediate Murder Professionals building. Cars honking can be heard in the background. The scene transitions to a closed door, with a sign that says "Meeting in progress". Inside, Blitzo is walking by a whiteboard on the wall as he lectures his employees.]''

Blitzo: Alright, now, I know business has been... a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, okay? I'm not naming any names here... [looks at Moxxie] Moxxie. ''[Moxxie gives him a "What the hell?" look.] Now, does anyone have... any'' bright ideas on how we can get business drummin' up again?

Millie: What about a car wash?

Blitzo: This is Hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being clean here, okay? Ooh, what about a billboard?

Moxxie: We can't afford a billboard, sir.

Blitzo: Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now. [pushes Moxxie away] Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?

''[Blitzo turns on a TV that shows the I.M.P. crew brutally murdering people from the overworld as they are paid to do. Blitzo whacks a man in the face with a mallet, Moxxie is blown away firing a shotgun through the mouth of a man tied to a chair, Loona swings a man back and forth in her mouth, and Millie decapitates someone with a harpoon and laughs. Then it zooms out to everyone watching the TV, with Loona, Millie, and Blitzo eating popcorn.]''

Blitzo: Ahh, those were the good times.

Moxxie: I don't need any reminding, sir, considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week. One that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches.

Blitzo: Uh, hey, excuse me. What's "obnoxious" about a super-fun jingle, all right? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spittin' bullshit!

Millie: People love musicals, sir.

Blitzo: Exactly, Millie! And we're basically doin' a musical. Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams like my dad did?

Moxxie: Sir--

Blitzo: 'Cause right now, all I see is just my dad's asshole talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside.

Millie: Are you tryin' to crush his dreams, Moxxie?

Moxxie: I-- What?

Millie: I thought I knew you.

Blitzo: I can't believe you, Moxxie, [holds up an employee of the month plaque with Moxxie's picture on it] after I made you employee of the month!

Moxxie: Okay, sir! I'm sorry, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theatre. Nobody actually likes the jingles!

Millie: I liked it.

Moxxie: Do not-- [points at Millie] Do not agree with him in front of me!

[The scene cuts to the I.M.P. commercial.]

Blitzo: Hi, there! I'm Blitzo! The "O" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P.! [gestures to the logo as it appears on screen, then disappears.]

[A picture of Blitzo wearing two top hats through his horns, a monocle, and twiddling a fake mustache, while standing outside of a burning building with a sign that reads "Orphanage for Elderly Blind Newborn Dogs" appears.]

Blitzo: Are you a piece of shit that got yourself sent to Hell, [picture changes to one of Blitzo wearing an angel costume at a coffeehouse happily throwing an empty coffee cup in a trash can, instead of the recycling bin right next to it] or are you an innocent soul who got FUCKED over by someone else?!

[The commercial cuts to a demon guy wearing an Ohio sports jersey, giving a testimonial, while Blitzo holds a cardboard sign in frame that reads "Some guy who hired us!!"]

Demon Guy: After lovingly killing my wife for [in demonic voice] FUCKING A DELIVERYMAN, [normal voice] you can imagine my surprise when I wound up here, after the state of Ohio killed me! I really wish I could STICK IT to that [in demonic voice] YAPPY JOGGER [normal voice] who saw me hiding the body!

[Blitzo is speaking to camera and holding a grimoire, while Moxxie and Millie are arranging lit candles on the floor in a square.]

Blitzo: [to camera] Well, luckily for you, thanks to our company's special access to the living world, ''[his eyes narrow as he does a magical gesture with his left hand and a flaming portal appears on the floor. Moxxie and Millie are blown out of shot. He walks up to the portal.] we can help you take care of your unfinished business by taking out anyone'' who screwed you over when you were alive! [falls backwards into the portal]

[The scene transitions to a person with their arms crossed and a thought bubble appears depicting another person being crossed out as the commercial jingle plays in the background.]

Singer: ♫ When you want somebody gone, ♫

[A dead body falls near the person as they notice and look up.]

Singer: ♫ and you don't want to wait too long ♫

''[Moxxie, Blitzo, and Millie are shown in a circle logo. Blitzo holds his arms out as Moxxie holds up his rifle and Millie holds up her spear. A letter "I" appears to the left of them, while a letter "P" appears on the right of them. The trio together form a letter "M", thus spelling the initials I.M.P.]''

Singer: ♫ call the Immediate Murder Professionals! ♫

''[Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie are inside of their building and Moxxie throws a grenade out the window. The trio cover where their ears would be as an explosion goes off. A severed arm goes flying.]''

Singer: ♫ Hand grenade or cyanide, ♫

[Blitzo is shown hanging someone with a rope as Millie finishes writing a suicide note.]

Singer: ♫ We'll make it look like suicide ♫

[Blitzo is shown electrocuting someone, Millie is shown hitting someone on the head with a mace, and Moxxie is shown strangling someone.]

Singer: ♫ The Immediate Murder Professionals ♫

''[The I.M.P. logo spins around quickly as the scene transitions to Blitzo creating a portal to the living world in a wall, then jumping through it. He is followed by Millie and then Moxxie, who trips over the grimoire and falls into the portal.]''

Singer: ♫ We do our job so well, ♫

[The trio come up through the other end of the portal and adjust themselves.]

Singer: ♫ because we come straight up from Hell! ♫

''[The I.M.P. trio suddenly look shocked as it appears they have accidentally teleported to a church in the middle of a service. A female preacher and the congregation look back at the demons in confusion and/or fear. One bearded man, however, has his head laid back as he sleeps with earbuds in.]''

[Millie is shown struggling to remove a knife from a naked couple who are in 69 position, while Moxxie tries to look away, and Blitzo examines a pair of panties.]

Singer: ♫ We'll kill your husband or your wife ♫

[Blitzo stabs someone toed to a chair repeatedly in the head while sporting a goofy expression.]

Singer: ♫ We'll even let you keep the knife ♫

''[A quick sequence then shows the trio assassinating their targets in numerous horrific ways, such as with a medieval torture chamber, riding a shark, burning someone alive, suffocating someone with a pillow, playing on a grand piano after it crushed someone, and using an electric chair. In the final scene, the trio are hiding in a bush in a park and Moxxie is about to shoot a blonde woman from behind.]''

Singer: ♫ We're the Immediaaaaate... Murderrrrrr... Profession-- ♫

[Moxxie accidentally shoots a boy passing by, eating an ice cream cone.]

Eddie: AUUUGH!

''[The boy collapses as Moxxie looks on in shock. The scene cuts to a hospital operating room. The boy is wheeled in on a hospital bed by a doctor, a pink-haired nurse, and a blue-haired nurse.]''

Pink-haired Nurse: [in masculine voice] Doctor, he's not responding!

Blue-haired Nurse: Cool water, stat!

[The Pink-haired Nurse whacks the boy in the face with a bucket of water.]

Blue-haired Nurse: It didn't do anything!

Doctor: Dammit! I'm not losing another one.

[Everyone has their defibrillator paddles over the boy.]

Doctor: CLEAR!

[They all zap the kid and he wakes up.]

Eddie: [gasps]

Doctor: Holy shit, it actually worked.

''[Blitzo, Millie, and Moxxie are waiting outside the boy's hospital room. Blitzo is reading a magazine, while Millie comforts Moxxie, who looks devastated. The doctor comes out of the room with a clipboard.]''

Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?

Blitzo: The fuck is insurance?

''[A shot of the outside of the hospital is shown, as a window breaks and the boy's hospital bed flies out. The boy is unconscious in the bed, while Millie, Moxxie, and Blitzo are holding on for dear life as they plummet screaming to the ground. The bed is stopped by a rope that has become tangled around Blitzo's foot. Blitzo slams his face into the bed, the rope snaps, and they all continue to fall.]''

[A still shot of the I.M.P. logo is shown.]

Singer: ♫ Kids die for freeeeeee!♫

''[The scene cuts back to the boardroom. Millie and Moxxie are sitting across from Loona, who has her feet up and is watching a video on her phone of Moxxie getting hurt.]''

Moxxie: I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Loona's fault. Dispatch is supposed to give us the right info on the target. It's very simple.

Loona: Oh, sit on a dick, Moxxie.

Moxxie: YOU sit! Sit on... a... and the... d-- DO YOUR JOB!!

Blitzo: Hey, now, we don't blame our screwups on Loona, okay?! [hugs and nuzzles Loona, who appears to strongly dislike his affection] She didn't do anything wrooooong~

Moxxie: Are you kidding me, sir? She's awful!

''[The scene cuts to a flashback of Loona at her desk, reading a magazine called "Hellhound Monthly". Her desk phone rings with the sound of a cute puppy barking as the ringtone. Loona answers.]''

Loona: Hello, I.M.P.

Millie: [On phone] Loona, I got stabbed! Call Mox--

''[Loona suddenly hangs up, disinterested in the conversation. Next, Loona is in Blitzo's office as he presents her with a gift.]''

Blitzo: Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! I got you a little somethin'.

Loona: Is it a cure for syphilis?

Blitzo: I... Oh...

Loona: [snatches the present and throws it on the floor] THEN I DON'T WANT IT!!

[A swarm of spiders suddenly emerge from the present box and cover Loona up to her neck.]

Loona: UGHHH!!

Blitzo: [suddenly hiding outside of the office window] I'm sorry! It was spiders!

Loona: [annoyed] Goddammit.

''[Loona is then shown at her desk, watching an online video of Charlie Magne performing "Inside of Every Demon is a Rainbow". Moxxie approaches her with a flyer for "Chub B Gone".]''

Moxxie: Um, e- excuse me. Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?

Loona: No.

Moxxie: Wha-- Why- Why would anyone send me this?

Loona: C'mon... You know why.

[The next scene shows Loona rummaging through the break room fridge.]

Loona: Whoever left the fucking... avocado salad in the fridge, I'm taking it, because I have the worst hangover right now!

''[Loona turns around to face Millie with a red box in hand as she shuts the fridge door with her foot. She rips off the lid and drinks the salad, which for some reason is in liquid form.]''

Millie: Why would you drink on a work night?

Loona: [stops drinking] I'm hungover from this morning, dumbass!

[Moxxie enters the room and notices Loona with his box.]

Moxxie: Isn't that my lunch?

Loona: [drops the box on the floor] Y'know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some [kicks the box at Moxxie, knocking him out of the room] fucking steam!

[Loona runs out of the break room and out into the street.]

Loona: AAAAAAAAAAH!

''[Loona runs up to a demon lady passing by, pushing her baby in a stroller. She kicks the stroller high into the air and storms off, while the demon lady stands there in disbelief. The scene transitions to Loona at her desk, telling Blitzo about a caller.]''

Loona: Bliiiitzo, that clingy, rich asshole is on the phone! Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you! Sounds a little DTF-y.

Blitzo: [throws his cup of water on the floor] Oh, GOD, it was ONE TIME! [crosses arms] If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole, none of us would have access to the living world.

Moxxie: [stares in stunned silence] ...You what?

''[The scene cuts to a flashback of Stolas sleeping naked in bed. He is hooting like an owl and there are feathers everywhere. Blitzo, who is partially nude, walks away quietly with the grimoire in hand.]''

Blitzo: [to himself] Got the booook, got the booook! Got this fuckin' heavy book!

''[Blitzo reaches Stolas' balcony and lays the grimoire on the ledge. Grunting, he attempts to step up on the ledge using the grimoire. Instead, the combined weight sends both him and the grimoire falling forward off of the balcony.]''

Blitzo: Oh- Oh, SHIT!

[Blitzo lands in a cake that Stolas' wife Stella and her friends are having, splattering pieces of it all over them.]

Blitzo: [to Stella] Sorry, I fucked your husband.

[The scene changes back to Loona at her desk.]

Loona: BLIIIITZO!

Blitzo: I HEARD YOU ALREA--!

[The scene cuts to Blitzo in his office, talking with Stolas, and playing with a bobblehead of Moxxie.]

Blitzo: Soooo, what can I do you for this time, Stolas?

[Stolas is shown talking on his phone from a fancy mansion.]

Stolas: There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists!

Blitzo: Doesn't it?

Stolas: Well, yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here~

Blitzo: Okay, well, yeah, that makes sense.

Stolas: [through phone] You know what happens when I'm lonely, Blitzy?

Blitzo: [pulls his phone away and talks to himself] Oh, god-fuckin'-damnit.

Stolas: When I'm lonely, I become hungry. And when I become hungry, I want to choke on that red **** of yours... **** your ***** and lick all of your *****, before taking out your *****, and **** with more teeth until you're screaming ********** like a FUCKING baby--!

''[Blitzo, who's visibly disturbed, hangs up. He breaks his cellphone in half, smashes it with his desk phone, tosses said desk phone away, pulls out a blender, puts the cellphone pieces in it, and blends them. Blitzo turns and hands the blender to Loona, who was standing nearby.]''

Blitzo: Eat this!

[Loona drinks the blended cellphone mixture.]

Blitzo: And then y'know that bridge over the freeway?

Loona: Yeah?

Blitzo: Shit off it!

[The flashback ends, and Blitzo is standing by Loona.]

Blitzo: Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family, and we don't get rid of family.

[Loona looks up from her phone and smiles, touched by Blitzo's words.]

Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager! She's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!

[As Moxxie rants, Loona continues looking at her phone, slowly flipping Moxxie off.]

Blitzo: That is offensive! Without homeless people, [walks over to window and raises blinds] I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life!

''[Blitzo puts his face up against the window, cracking it, and sees a homeless demon, looking sad and holding up a sign that reads "Monee helps. Satan bless." A female demon is on her cellphone and ignores the hobo. Blitzo smugly waves at him, before lowering the window blinds.]''

Moxxie: While we're on the subject of "family", can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?

Millie: Come on, sweetie! It's not that big a deal!

Moxxie: Excuse me... WHAT?!

[The scene cuts to a flashback of Moxxie and Millie preparing dinner in their kitchen.]

Moxxie: Honey, can you get me the butter?

Millie: Sure, sweetie.

[Millie opens the fridge door and finds Blitzo inside as he hands her the gross, viscous butter.]

Blitzo: Spoiler alert: the butter's spoiled!

Millie: [giggles]

Moxxie: What's funny, honey?

Blitzo: Really impressive wordplay.

Moxxie: WHAT THE--?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!?!

''[Later that evening, Moxxie and Millie are asleep in bed. The former is tossing and turning as the sound of a cat purring can be heard. Moxxie opens his eyes and sees Blitzo standing on him, looking him right in the eyes.]''

Blitzo: Whatcha dreamin' about?

Moxxie: I was dreaming my parents were being murdered, but now... I'd like to go back to that.

[In the next scene, Moxxie is singing the end of "Oh, Millie", as Millie joins in on some parts.]

Moxxie: ♫ Of all the imps in hell, it's for her that I fell ♫

♫ It's for her that I fell ♫

Millie: [at the same time] ♫ It's for him that I fell ♫

Moxxie: ♫ Oh, Millie~ ♫

[They close their eyes to kiss, but Moxxie notices Blitzo outside the window holding a camcorder.]

Moxxie: Are you fucking filming us right now?!

[The flashback ends as we cut back to the board room.]

Moxxie: Just... stop... doing that!

Blitzo: [shrugs] I don't see what the issue is! There somethin' you don't want me seein'?

Moxxie: [eye twitches in anger] No!

Loona: [snickers]

Blitzo: You a baby-wiener-haver?

Moxxie: Sir, what you say and how you act is totally [stands up from his chair] INAPPROPRIATE!

Millie: [lays her hand on Moxxie's shoulder] Calm down, Mox! You're gonna have another panic attack!

Moxxie: I AM CALM!! [Moxxie starts whimpering in anger while looking back at Blitzo]

Millie: [comforting Moxxie] Shh-shh-shh. There, there.

Blitzo: Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff [motions his hands to imply sexual activity] you do outside work hours, so don't... judge... me!

Moxxie: Oh, I do judge you, sir! Quite a lot, actually!

Millie: Mox, he's our boss!

Blitzo: No-no-no, it's fine Mills, your husband is just... how do I say this without being offensive... retarded.

Moxxie: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?

Blitzo: [leans towards Moxxie] It actually does.

Loona: The only reason you have a wife [looks away from her phone to glare at Moxxie] is because you're easy to manage!

Millie: [slams her hands against the table, looking at Loona with anger] No he's not, you bitch! [flips Loona the double bird]

Loona: [growls at Millie]

Blitzo: Do not talk to my receptionist that way! She's sensitive!

Loona: [snaps her jaws at Millie] Yes, I am!

Eddie: [offscreen] You guys are all fucking assholes.

''[Blitzo, Moxxie, Millie, and Loona look at Eddie, the boy Moxxie accidentally shot. Eddie is lying on a table with three wires from a heart monitor attached to his stomach.]''

Blitzo: Oh, shut up, kid! You're lucky to witness this!

Moxxie: Ugh, this company is such a mess!

Blitzo: Alright, let's go back to talking about my outfit.

Loona: Nobody was talking about that!

Blitzo: Which is why I'm tryin' to get that ball rolling. So, how does it look? It's good, right?

Eddie: [points at Blitzo] It's been a literal hell [detaches the tubes of the heart monitor] having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuckshits wouldn't kill me! But now I want that. I want death! [once again points at Blitzo] You are a selfish, greedy clown. And I'm a kid! We're suppose to like clowns! Even the creepy ones!

Moxxie: Hey, now! That's not very--

Eddie: If I wanted to hear from a spineless jackass, I'd rip out your spine and ask you some shit.

Millie: That's my husband you're talkin' to!

Eddie: [laughs] That's your husband?!

[Moxxie and Millie snarl at Eddie.]

Eddie: I figured you for a slut, but I didn't know you needed dick THAT bad! [Points at Loona] And you!

Loona: What? What about me?

Eddie: Nothing. [crosses arms] I don't talk to dogs. I'm a cat person.

[Loona gives a wide-eyed glare, whines at Eddie with anger, and goes back to looking at her phone.]

Blitzo: Wow. Ah, y'know, kid, you kind of are a piece of shit.

Moxxie: [whispering] Yeah, after all. He's kind of a piece of shit.

[Loona receives a text message.]

Loona: Oh, fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client! Guess he was the right target after all!

Blitzo: Who?

Loona: [points at Eddie] Him.

Eddie: Me?

Loona: Yup.

Blitzo: They wanted us to kill an actual child?

Loona: That's what they're sayin'.

Blitzo: ...Well, Christ on a stick. I guess there is a God.

[Blitzo draws a flintlock pistol and fires it at Eddie, killing him instantly.]

Eddie: OWWWW!

[Blood covers the screen, then reveals Blitzo and Moxxie kicking Eddie's corpse, Millie stabbing him, and Loona recording everything on her phone.]

Blitzo: [voiceover] Y'know, folks, with this company, I really wanted to prove that we're capable of doing the same things anyone else can. Like killing people!

[Blitzo and Moxxie are shown wearing full hazard gear, dismembering Eddie's body with a hacksaw and chainsaw respectively. Blood splats on the screen again, then shows the group by a dumpster putting Eddie's body parts in a garbage bag.]

Blitzo: [voiceover] So, from us here at the Immediate Murder Professionals group, we promise to settle your unfinished business or your money... is gone and you're never getting it back, and you can write us a bad review but we'll play dumb to it, because it's Hell and no one fuckin' cares.

[As Blitzo does the voiceover, he hugs Moxxie, Millie, and Loona, the latter's phone flying out of her hands.]

Blitzo: Y'know, even though this kid was a target... he's still a child. And it's important that [wraps his tail lovingly around the group] we handle this going forward respectfully.

''[The group all smile as the scene cuts to a newscast, showing Eddie's mother tearfully holding up a bad drawing of her son. A male news reporter holds a microphone up to her, looking disinterested. The headline on screen says "Mom sucks at drawing own kid", while the ticker bar constantly reads "There is a missing boy! Yet another missing kid!"]''

Eddie's Mother: [sobbing] Please! If anyone has seen my little Eddie, please contact us at-- [Eddie's bloody body bag suddenly falls into her arms] b-OHHH!

''[Eddie's mother and the news reporter look up in shock as the camera follows their gaze. Blitzo, Moxxie, and Millie are shown looking down on them through a portal.]''

Blitzo: [smiles and waves] You're welcome!

[The trio disappear in the portal as it closes.]

[As the credits roll, a rough animatic of Moxxie singing "Oh, Millie" in full to Millie is shown.]