C.H.E.R.U.B (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of C.H.E.R.U.B. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[The episode opens up to a shot of Heaven’s golden gates. The gates open and “Cherub Towne” is shown. Cletus flies in front of the screen.]''

Cletus: Well, howdy! I’m Cletus! Welcome to Heaven! Guess you did something good to get here, and good people deserve to give loved ones special blessings!

C.H.E.R.U.B. Jingle:

Collin (sings): Does it make you want to cry

''[Scene cuts to a man jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. He splats onto a rock while a censoring cloud bubble reads “Owie!”]''

Keenie (sings): When your loved one has to die?

[Another person gets run over by a speeding train as “Oh No!” appears in a thought bubble.]

Cletus (sings): Does it hurt you through and through

''[Scene goes to another man who accidentally shoots himself in the face with a gun. “Oopsie!” is seen in another thought bubble.]''

All (sings): When your face is turning blue?

[Clip shows a struggling man’s face turning blue in a hangman’s noose]

Collin (sings): Well luckily for you!

[Collin poses]

Keenie (sings): There’s something we can do!

[Keenie poses]

Cletus (sings): We can help keep them alive

All (sings): So you can watch them thrive!

[All three pose together]

All (sings): ‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.

[The orange C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears with a registered trademark symbol.]

Collin (sings): We’ll save your honeybun from dying violently

''[Cletus rescues a woman from a pack of wild animals. Kenie pushes a scared Collin in front of them, as he holds a plank of wood with a nail in it.]''

All (sings): ‘Cause here at C.H.E.R.U.B.

[The C.H.E.R.U.B. logo appears again]

Keenie (sings): No, we never even ask a fee

[Cletus is shown waving a dismissive hand at a person handing him dollar bills]

Collin (sings): Because good people spread the love

[Collin and Keenie give each other a hug in a yellow heart background]

Keenie (sings): And we’re here for all above!

[Small hearts of light spread out around a spinning Earth in space]

Cletus (sings): We do the paperwork for you

[A stressed Collin rapidly writes on piles of paper in an office]

Collin (sings): And the heavy lifting, too

[Keenie lifts a boulder from a flattened woman, who gives her a thumbs up.]

Cletus (sings): So sit right back

[The three Cherubs comfort a battered bleeding man in a car crash]

All (sings): And let us bless a soul for you!

''[The three Cherubs appear back on the screen and sing in harmony. They pose some more.]''

Oh we are the C.H.E.R.U.B.!

''[The Cherubs appear on a small old fashioned TV. Blitzo explodes the TV with a flintlock pistol.]''

Millie: Nice one, B!

Blitzo: Give me another, Mox!

''[Moxxie nervously sweeps away the flaming debris and puts another old fashioned TV onto the stand. He turns it on with a scared look on his face. The 666 News logo appears. Blitzo pours gunpowder into flintlock.]''

Blitzo: No, I’m not feeling it. Next!

''[Moxxie switches the channel. Betty Boop appears in black and white, dancing erotically with prominent breasts, holding a pitchfork. Blitzo looks bored.]''

Blitzo: Uh huh, keep going, keep going, keep going!

''[Moxxie switches the channel again. Wally Wackford appears on the screen dressed in white with a black top hat, holding a cane.]''

Wally Wackford: Hey! I say! Are you looking to get work making crazy contraptions and goofy gadgets? Well call me at Wacky Wally Wackford’s Wacky Idea “Factory”!

[The title appears against a similar circular background of classic old cartoons]

Wally Wackford: Where you can make the things and I make the money!

[Wally Wackford appears close to the screen with a pleading face]

Wally Wackford: Please, I’m very desperate!

Blitzo: Bingo!

[Blitzo shoots and explodes the TV again]

Millie: Woo! You’re on a roll, sir!

''[Loona wakes up from her canine sleep on a chair. A shaking causes her cup to spill.]''

Loona: Guys, do you feel that?

Blitzo: Oh shit, is that a hellshake?

Moxxie: That’s impossible.

[Millie holds onto Moxxie as his tail shoots up in fear]

Millie: Alright! Don’t panic, Moxxie!

Moxxie: I’m not “panicking,” because hellshakes don’t happen.

[Loona roughly grabs hold of Moxxie and shakes him]

Loona: Stop getting hysterical, fatty!

''[Loona hits Moxxie against the wall before he is knocked down further by what appears to be a wrecking ball made of black tubes. Part of the wall crumbles on top of Moxxie. The smoke clears and a supervillain demon enters the room through the hole. Loona growls on all fours.]''

Loopty Goopty: Do not be afraid!

[The man grins and extends his metal contraptions in loops]

Blitzo: Please tell me you got that insurance thing.

[Millie takes out a sharp black axe]

Millie: Who are you and what do you want?!

[Loopty Goopty slides along the black loops before he does a villainous pose between the imps.]

Loopty Goopty: I’m Loopty Goopty! (singsong voice) Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!

Loona: Could’ve just used the door, dude. Doesn’t need to be this whole thing.

Loopty Goopty: I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric shit!

''[Loopty Goopty does a wavy dance. Blitzo sniffs him and flinches.]''

Blitzo: Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?

Loopty Goopty: Yes! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me here!

[Loona taps on her phone]

Loona: Just saying the front door would’ve gotten you here fine.

Loopty Goopty: Shut up, dear furry!

[Loona growls in anger]

[Loopty Goopty appears in front of Loona and turns to Blitzo]

Loopy Goopty: (singsong): This is the man I’m gonna need you to kill!

''[He holds up an old photo of an old bald man in a bed. Blitzo takes the photo from him.]''

Blitzo: Not even a shit’s length of time in Hell and already plotting revenge? I can respect a man with that sort of passion! I’m Blitzo, the “o” is silent.

[Blitzo walks over to Loopty Goopty and shakes his hand]

Loopty Goopty: What “o”?

Blitzo: Aww thank you. Now what’s the tea, sis?

Loopty Goopty: The tea?

[Moxxie’s arm appears as he struggles under the weight of the debris]

Moxxie: Guys, help!

[Blitzo elbows Loopty Goopty.]

Blitzo: Yea, Why’re we killing this guy? I mean what did he do to you?

[Moxxie’s arm inches back and he squeals in pain]

Moxxie: *under his breath* Losing ox-!

Loopty Goopty: He was…my business partner! You see, I was not always an old man.

[An old film montage in brown shades depict Loopty Goopty’s early life.]

Loopty Goopty: My partner Lyle and I ran Lyle-Loopty Robotics, a technological empire!

''[Lyle and Loopty pose with capes and spiral glasses on top of a tall building labeled “Lyle-Loopty Robotics”. The building is surrounded by factories and columns spewing smoke. Down below it reads “very dramatic re-enactment from earlier that day?”]''

Loopty Goopty: Earlier today, we were testing a new machine intended to stop or reverse the aging process!

''[The clips show Loopty putting wires together and Lyle tightening a bolt with a wrench. The two stand by a large white machine labeled “De-age-ifier.”]''

Loopty: It could’ve saved all three trillionaires! Unfortunately, we neglected to test the machine on the poor like we usually do. We were too sure of our own genius. The machine was accidentally set forward!

''[The two men stroll into the chamber and close the metal door. A lever labeled “young” and “old” is set to “old” at the bottom.]''

Loopty: By the time we managed to get out, it was too late. At least, for me.

''[The two men struggle to open the door, pounding on it. Both of them rapidly shrivel up and age. Loopty stares in horror at his shriveling hands. Lyle grows old and fat and slides to the floor. Loopty clutches at his chest, suffers a heart attack and collapses to the ground. A man mentions for doctors to come in. They put a stethoscope over Loopty’s heart and they shake their heads somberly. Another woman puts an oxygen mask over Lyle’s nose and mouth. Loopty’s body is zipped shut in a body bag.]''

Loopty: Now that evil son of a bitch is going to take over the empire we built together without me to share it with him. He’ll make all the god damn money in the world and become the fourth trillionaire and get all the credit!

[Scene cuts to Lyle laughing evilly as piles of money rain down on him]   

[Back to I.M.P. office]

Blitzo: Yeah, that’s not really evil.

Loopty Goopty: It’s evil toward me!

[Moxxie is still stuck under the rubble]

Moxxie: Everything…is going…dark.

Loopty Goopty: Now get your crimson asses up above and send that thoughtless no-good son of a bitch to Hell where he belongs!

Blitzo: You know, Poopty…

Loopty Goopty: (Seethes) Loopty!

[Blitzo holds up his hands]

Blitzo: Of course, of course. If we do kill him though and he ends up down here, you know, you’ll be stuck with him, forever.

Loopty Goopty: Oh, trust me! I’m counting on it!

[Loopty Goopty summons an array of weapons with his metal tentacles: several guns, a launcher and a spinning gear]

Moxxie: That’s kinda hot.

[Moxxie does a thumbs up as everyone glances at him]

''[Scene cuts to I.M.P. wearing wigs and disguises on a tour bus. Moxxie looks through binoculars at Lyle’s mansion.] ''

Moxxie: Gee, I wonder whose house this is?

Tour guide: And to your right is the home of famous inventor Lyle Lipton.

''[The crowd “oohs” and takes pictures with their cell phones. Blitzo removes his sunglasses, wearing a clown wig.]''

Blitzo: Let’s do it, gang!

''[All the imps take out their weapons: Blitzo has a flintlock pistol, Moxxie a rifle and Millie two sharp swords. The imps jump over a fence and land in poses.]''

Millie: Let’s kill this rich guy!

[The imps race over toward the windows.]

Tour guide: And here you’ll find three tacky stalkers about to attempt a murder! Things like this could happen to famous people all the time!

[People snap pictures]

[The imps peer through the window at an old Lyle in bed.]

Moxxie: Wow, that machine really did a number on him.

[Zooming in, Lyle kisses a picture in his hands.]

Lyle: Goodbye, my one true love.

[The picture in the frame consists of dollar bills and a “free stock photos” watermark on it.]

Lyle: All the riches of the world can’t fill the emptiness I’m feeling now that my shitty old body can’t do anything of value.

Blitzo: Oh fantastic, he’s going to do our job for us!

[Lyle makes a noose out of an IV tube.]

Moxxie: Should we go in there and tie it for him?

''[Lyle is about to put it over his head as the imps watch with drinks and popcorn. The noose glows white and a force knocks the imps back. Blitzo’s kitten sock flies away, making Blitzo sad. Lyle adjusts to the light and sees the three cherubs floating down gracefully in three rays of light.]''

Lyle: Oh lord, I’m being haunted by ugly orphan children now!

Blitzo: Who the fuck are they?!

Moxxie: Oh no! Sir those are…

Cletus: Cherubs, Mr. Lyle!

Lyle: I hate filthy stinking orphan children!

Collin: We’re here to convince you not to kill yourself, sir. To grant you a blessing, on behalf of those in Heaven benefited by your amazing technological advances.

Blitzo: Oh hell no! Don’t forget…

''[An angry Blitzo marches in through the window, shattering the glass and face-planting onto the floor. Moxxie and Millie enter through a door.]''

Moxxie: Lyle Lipton, it is our most…

[Moxxie glances at Blitzo before looking back at Lyle.]

Moxxie: …humble opinion that you should continue the process to commit die.

Millie: I mean, what do you expect to do with all this money now you’re old and gross?

Keenie: Is that a serious question? He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!

[Keenie flies around and happily throws Lyle’s dollar bills in the air]

Lyle: No!

Collin: He could pay for new hospitals and schools!

Lyle: Why won’t you let me die?

[Blitzo appears beside him]

Blitzo: Oh, sounds like you need help offing yourself, buddy. Moxxie, what have we got for this fella?

[Moxxie tosses a variety of weapons to Blitzo and Lyle]

Moxxie: I have some assault weapons, crossbow, honey bow, tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas…

Collin: He’s classier than that!

[Lyle points a rifle in his mouth, before Collin takes it from him.] 

Collin: There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle.

Millie: Yeah, right. Smells like he ain’t been out of bed in months.

[Millie sniffs, covers her mouth and vomits.]

Cletus: Love can be beautiful at any age, and we’ll show him!

C.H.E.R.U.B. (cheers): Yes!

I.M.P. (yells): No!

[C.H.E.R.U.B. takes Lyle and his bed outside to a hill, overlooking a forest and a lake.]

Cletus: Look around, Lyle. God’s gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regard less of age…or wealth!

Collin: If you were to end your life now, you’d be missing all of this!

[Blitzo appears in a tiger costume]

Blitzo: You’re gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?

[Keenie covers her mouth and the other cherubs gasp]

Keenie: That is so inappropriate!

''[Millie and Moxxie appear in cat costumes. Millie shows two middle fingers]''

Millie: Oh, kiss our ass, prude!

[Blitzo shoves Lyle aside in the face and sits next to him]

Blitzo: Anyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.

''[Lyle looks through the binoculars and sees a group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters are suddenly eaten and torn by a pack of hungry wolves.]''

Lyle: Oh no!

Collin: *tries to tug his binoculars away* Stop looking!

Lyle: *holds onto the binoculars* I can’t stop! I’ve never wanted to die more than I do now!

''[A bear swipes a wolf to the ground and raises a paw to attack. The bear is then crushed by a falling tree, cut up by a beefy logger with a chainsaw. A beehive lands on the man’s head and he screams. Both his arms are chopped off by the chainsaw and his body is skewered by a charging stag as lighting flashes.]''

[Everyone freezes in horror]

Cletus (nervously): Let’s go check out someplace else!

[Millie and Moxxie do a fist bump in their cat costumes]

''[Scene cuts to a shopping mall. Lyle in his bed is pushed through a wall]''

Lyle: Oh, Lord. Where are we now? Let me perish!

Keenie: We’re here to show you another thing life is worth living for. Childhood of wonderment.

''[Keenie mentions to a crowd of kids cheering by a sitting Santa Claus. One kid wears a “craft mine” shirt, while another eats his booger.]''

Lyle: Why, look at those sweet disease-ridden vermin. Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood and their middle-class existence. Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this.

''[Blitzo and Millie are dressed as elves, while a grumpy Moxxie wears a reindeer costume. They stand by Santa and a kid.]''

Blitzo: Hey, dipshit! Wanna see whose lap you’re sitting on?!

''[Blizo rips off the red robe. “Santa” is revealed as an ugly gnome wearing a “cuties” shirt. The kids scream and run. Lyle sobs like a baby as Collin and Keenie cover his eyes. A concerned Cletus pushes the bed away.]''

[Scene cuts to Lyle in bed in the woods next to a wooden sign reading “Lover’s Lookout, I guess…”]

Lyle: This place reeks of teenagers!

Cletus: Lover’s Lookout, sir! We’re here to remind you about possibly life’s greatest joy of all-

Lyle: Money!

Collin: No, Love!

Lyle: I’ve never been in love before. I imagine it’s quite nice.

Collin: It’s not too late sir! You can still find-

[The imps arrive wearing wigs and dresses]

Blitzo: Ah, nice try, ugly.

[He pulls out a megaphone]

Blitzo: Hey, horny lovers! Which one of you would fuck this old man?

''[All the cars speed away in response. Lyle looks dejected and poops himself.]''

[Collin gets into Blitzo’s face]

Collin: You know you three are so utterly c-c-cruel. We’re just trying to give hope to someone in need.

Moxxie: Oh and you three are so superior to us just because we want some selfish, greedy, authoritarian capitalist to keel over dead!

Blitzo: You’re making things too real now, Moxxie.

[Blitzo sprays piss from a spray bottle into Moxxie’s face, making him flinch.]

''[Scene cuts to a woman dressed as a Viking on a white horse singing opera on a stage. A well-dressed man plays a piano. The cherubs are well-dressed, too.]''

Cletus: Behold, the wonder of art and music! Something always here to comfort, entertain and live for!

[Up above the stage, Blitzo wags his butt and tail expectantly.]

Millie: So, how do we make this bad?

Moxxie: We can’t. There’s literally nothing bad about opera. That’s a fact.

Blitzo: Unless we ruin it!

''[With a mischievous grin, Blitzo moves the spotlight around the stage. The singer pauses and follows the light as he moves the light some more.]''

Lyle: She’s not very good.

''[Blitzo moves the light faster and faster as the cherubs narrow their eyes in suspicion. Blitzo gasps as he accidentally lets go of the stage light. The woman sings a final note before the light crushes her on stage. The audience, Lyle and the cherubs scream, while the man nervously tries to keep playing the piano.]  ''

Blitzo: Oh, at least we made it bad.

[The three cherubs fly angrily toward the imps.]

Cletus: That’s it! I’ve had it! You three black sheep have messed with us enough!

Collin: We are just trying to do our j-j-job!

Moxxie: Well, so are we!

Cletus: Enough!

[The cherubs summon golden crossbows and aim them at the imps]

Cletus: We are saving that shitty old man’s life whether he wants it or not!

Blitzo: Well someone wants that fucker dead, okay? And he paid in advance and I spent it all on this…

[Blitzo holds up a green horse figure wearing jewels, sunglasses and a “mare-ajuanna” cap.]

Blitzo.: …so he’s gotta go!

[Keenie flies into Blitzo’s face]

Keenie: You all are such disgusting loathsome beasts! Your kind is nothing but dirt that shitty dead people tread on! And now you’re trying to meddle with the lives of humans?!

[Millie bares her teeth and pulls Keenie by her necklace]

Millie: So are you! Why don’t you shut your trap you judgmental, cotton candy, tit-havin’ bitch?!

[Keenie and Millie growl]

Keenie: Filthy demon crap-

''[Intense opera music plays as the fight scene begins. Keenie and Millie roll over in a cat fight. Cletus and Collin shoot golden arrows at Blitzo and Moxxie who run away. Moxxie runs down the catwalk and jumps down, swinging from a rope. He holds a pistol in one hand and aims it at Keenie, who fights with Millie in the air. Millie slaps Keenie in the face several times. Moxxie fires at a rope which releases a bag. The bag separates Keenie and Millie, and Moxxie catches Millie. Moxxie and Millie grab each other’s faces with lustful grins. They French-kiss and make out as they swing and spin rapidly above the stage and fire from their weapons. Blitzo spots Keenie’s hair bow fall from above. The arrows and bullets hit and kill the audience members.]''

Lyle: It’s all starting to make sense now. Life is worth living because we only get one. We must cherish it. If creatures far beyond this living world are going through these lengths over my life, then suddenly it’s worth living. Killing myself is not the answer. Plus, I’m still rich! I can just buy all the things! I no longer crave death!

''[Lyle stands up and holds dollar bills in his hands in triumph. Audience members clap]''

''[Blitzo runs along the metal scaffolding with his flintlock pistol. He jumps onto another one attached with rope. He and Cletus point their weapons at each other. After a brief stare-down, Blitzo throws his weapon into Cletus’ face.''

Cletus: Ah! You fucker!

''[Blinded, he screams and fires his arrow. He. Moxxie and Millie all fall within the metal scaffolding to the floor, narrowly missing the pianist. The pianist stops playing, puts down his stool and uses it to step down from the higher floor. The piano is then sent flying through the air. I.M.P. and C.H.E.R.U.B. stare as the piano keeps falling. Lyle screams and scrambles out of his bed. He is soon crushed by the piano.]''

''[Moxxie grins as he sits tied up to Millie. I.M.P. grins smugly.]''

Moxxie: Well, well. Would you look at that? You did our job for us.

''[Millie smirks as she gives the Cherubs two middle fingers. The cherubs gasp in horror]''

Collin: Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my God!

[Keenie slaps Collin across the face]

Keenie: Get a hold of yourself, Collin! And do not use the Lord’s name in vain!

Cletus: This isn’t over!

[Keenie creates a heavenly portal and the three fly through, only to be mysteriously repelled back]

Cletus: What the?!

''[A group of cherubs descends, two bees, two sheep and Deerie, the deer leader. The deer conjures up glasses and a clipboard]''

Deerie: Yeah, no sorry Cletus but I’m afraid your actions resulted in the death of a human. I’m afraid you can’t re-enter Heaven. Yeah, no.

C.H.E.R.U.B.: What?!

Deerie (chuckles and speaks condescendingly): Yeah, um, sorry. Yeah, no.

Collin: Is there anything we can do?

[Deerie chuckles and files her hoof]

Deerie: Yeah, no! Oh no, no no.

[Deerie says “no” while pointing her hooves at Collin, Cletus and Keenie]

Keenie: We didn’t mean to. We never it was al-

''[Keenie points to the spot where I.M.P. was, only to find them gone. All three cherubs stare wide-eyed.]''

Deerie: Anyway, sorry guys. But those are the rules, yeah! Bye!

[Deerie does a happy wave before she and the group vanish through the portal.]

Cletus: Wait!

[Cletus flies toward the portal but it closes. All the cherubs cry. Cletus breaks down into tears]

[Blitzo claps his hands together]

Blitzo: Well, the old man wanted to live again and we didn’t kill him, so we failed. Thanks to those fucking cherubs, he’s probably up in Heaven now. So it’s a shame. All our client wanted was eternal revenge on his business partner and now the two are forever separated and now we gotta face the fire of fuck it up.

Moxxie: Sir, when are you going to tell the client?

Blitzo: Oh, I already sent him a text and we’re in good hands because texts don’t make people angry.

''[The text reads “U fail, U die. Sorry, 🎷.” A metal plank crashes into the room as Moxxie scurries out of the way with a yelp]''

Loopty Goopty: Blitz!

Blitzo: Loofa~. We can explain everything. I was…

[Another metal plank squashes Moxxie as a fat demon Lyle arrives with a grin]

Blitzo and Millie: Lyle Lipton?!

Millie: I don’t understand. We thought you went to Heaven.

Lyle Lipton: Heaven? You don’t make millions in technological advances in robotics by not experimenting on the poor! (laughs)

Loopty Goopty: Oh, you no good heartless son of a bitch! (turns to Blitzo) Thank you for reuniting me with my best friend!

Lyle Lipton: The only question now is, what do two genius robotic inventors do now that we’re in Hell?

[Wally Wackford pops up from the ground]

Wally Wackford: Did someone say I say inventors? Name’s Wally Wackford and I am looking for creative new people to exploit…I mean employ.

[Wally twirls his mustache]

Blitzo: Everyone, stop fucking up my walls! Moxxie’s gonna have to fix all this shit!

[Moxxie is shown trapped, frothing at the mouth]

Blitzo: Oh chill out, Moxxie, if you kiss my ass any harder, you’ll go right inside me. Satan’s balls, first we deal with Heaven’s table-scraps, now this?

Wally Wackford: I guess you can say you say, you have a holy operation here, Blitzo! (pronounces the “o.”)

''[Wally slaps his knee and laughs. He doubles down on the floor].''

Blitzo: Get out.

[Wally laughs]

Wally: I said “o!”

Blitzo: No, I’m serious, get the fuck out!