The Harvest Moon Festival/Transcript

''[Scene opens up to a sunlit exterior of Stolas’ palace. Blitzo is shown lighting a cigarette on Stolas’ bed. Stolas sighs in contentment as Blitzo folds his hands behind his head.]''

Stolas: I’m sorry for having to move our little rendezvous early. I have an engagement this month on the full moon.

[Stolas is shown wearing a ball gag, his hands tied to the headboard with rope.]

Blitzo: When this happens, it’s not really something I fuss about. But do you really need the book for this far bullshit? I have like fifteen new clients waiting for heads to roll.

[Blitzo reaches up and burns the rope off Stolas’ hands with his cigarette, freeing him.]

Stolas: As shocking as it may seem, Blitzy, my grimoire is actually incredibly important. And it isn’t what we lend out to itty bitty imps like yourself.

[Stolas pinches Blitzo’s cheeks before Blitzo shoves him away.]

Stolas: The Harvest Moon is a very special occasion. It’s been my annual duty to showcase it in the Ring of Wrath. It’s celebrated by a very charming little festival with the locals.

[Blitzo pulls a feather out of his mouth in disgust]

Blitzo: Wrath, huh? My employees are from there. I’ve never really been here. It’s full of inbred chuckle fucks.

[Stolas sits up]

Stolas: Oh! Why don’t you all join me at the festival? I can guarantee you all…

[Stolas pulls the covers over his head and his head appears near Blitzo’s crotch.]

Stolas: (Chuckles) …special access.

Blitzo: Look I told you, we’re not bodyguards, okay? That was a one-time thing we did badly.

''[Stolas stands up with the covers on his head. He does a playful howl head tilt.]''

Stolas: I’m simply offering a work-free day of fun. I feel quite safe at the Harvest Festival. It’s the same every year.

Blitzo: Well if you promise this isn’t some fuck fest invite, it does sound like it could be a blast and a half. Plus it’s not like we can do jack shit without your book anyway.

Stolas: (in a baby-talk voice) Aww, I’m sorry your clients will have to wait.

[Blitzo chuckles and waves a dismissive hand.]

Blitzo: Oh fuck my clients!

''[Moxxie and Millie’s apartment is revealed under a Robo Fizz sign. Moxxie and Millie sleep in their bed. Moxxie’s phone lights up and an organ ringtone sounds. Moxxie taps the phone and rolls over. The phone sounds again. In annoyance, Moxxie grabs the phone and sits up.]''

Moxxie: What do you want, sir?

Blitzo: Hey, sorry to wake you, Mox! How would you and Mils like to visit the Wrath Ring for some harvest bullshit this year?

[Millie sits up in excitement]

Millie: The Harvest Moon Festival?! Yee-fucking-haw!

Moxxie: (sighs) Well, Millie likes the idea. Wait, where are you calling from?

''[Blitzo falls down onto the bed from the ceiling. His phone bonks his head. Moxxie narrows his eyes.]''

Moxxie: Of course.

''[Scene shifts to the Rough N’ Tumbleweed Ranch. The I.M.P. van pulls up in front of two imps.]''

Millie: Mamma! Daddy!

''[Millie gets out of the van and happily runs toward her parents. Her father hugs her and spins her around before placing her down.]''

Joe: Yee-haw! How’s my deadly little pumpkin spice doing?

[Joe rubs Millie’s hair affectionately.]

Millie: I’m good, Pa! Thanks for letting us stay here for the harvest jamboree!

Lin: It’s no trouble. We know you aren’t making as much anymore since y’all went “freelance.”

Millie: Freelance pays fine, Ma! We’re doing fine! It’s fine.

[Millie walks over to Moxxie, who is struggling to carry luggage.] 

Millie: Anyway, y’all remember my husband Moxxie?

''[Millie shoves a nervous Moxxie in front of her parents. They stare at him in disapproval. Joe “hmpths”.]''

Moxxie: Greetings, Lin. Joe. How have you been uh with all the…flaming twisters and stuff around here?

[Moxxie nervously holds out his hand]

Joe: We lost our old farm hand to one of them terrors last week.

Moxxie: (laughs nervously) Oh crumbs. My bad! I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to open that wound, sir.

Blitzo: Hey, watch it! I’m the “sir” here, bucko!

Millie: Oh yeah! Y’all haven’t met my boss Blitzo! And his hellhound!

Loona: I’m not just his hellhound.

Blitzo: Yeah, she’s my daughter.

[Blitzo pulls her in a tight side hug]

Loona: Only on paper. Y’all don’t deserve to know my name.

[Blitzo walks over to Millie’s parents.]

Blitzo: It’s a pleasure to finally meet the sperm and egg factory that popped out this little gem of an assassin. You two raised a sturdy bitch!

[Blitzo playfully elbows Millie]

Joe: (chuckles) That we did! So, Blitzo, is it? That’s a fine name.

[Blitzo and Joe shake hands]

Jin: It reminds me of war.

Joe: (sighs happily) Nothing like a little war to make a strong man.

Blitzo: I like you people.

Moxxie: You know, more battles were won by technological advances in warfare. I’ve researched the history of weaponry extensively. And it’s inspiring how…for example, the progression of guns utilizing angelic technology has changed the landscape of Hell’s combative…

''[Millie makes a “cut it out” motion with her hands. Joe crosses his arms.]''

Moxxie: I mean…(says in deep voice) war fun.

Joe: Guns get the job done, but a man ain’t nothing if he can’t tear the head off a hellish beast with only his bare hands!

Blitzo: Ha! He’s right, Moxxie! (speaks baby talk) You got a cute little baby hand like your baby dick!

''[Blitzo grabs Moxxie’s hand and reaches toward his crotch. Moxxie slaps his arm away.]''

Moxxie: Refrain, sir.

Joe: Speaking of strong hands, y’all should meet our newest help. Hey, Striker!

''[Black flaming hooves clop rapidly on the ground. An imp’s spiky tail whips a black horse’s flank. An imp wearing a cowboy hat rides a black hell horse with a fiery mane. The horse leaps over a fence. The horse rears up and roars in front of the group. Striker tips his hat in greeting, a stalk in his hand.]''

Striker: Well, howdy! Well lookie here! You must be the famous Mildred.

[Striker gets off the horse and walks toward Millie.]

Striker: Heard some good things about you from your folks, little lady.

''[Striker winks at her and Millie laughs sheepishly. They shake hands.]''

Striker: So what are y’all doing so far away from Imp City? Huh. Free working finally slowing down?

Millie: Oh no! Freelancing isn’t free, is it? Never mind. We’re just visiting for the festival. The prince is the boss’ (in a dramatic voice) boyfriend!

Blitzo: Millie, I’m not above hitting a female in front of her daddy.

Striker: Boss, huh? Oh so you’re the bold imp who started his own killing biz?

Blitzo: Yeah, well if you’re good at something, you should probably capitalize.

Striker: Not many imps start businesses on their own. That’s pretty impressive, sir.

Blitzo: Oh. yeah, (stutters) I guess, I guess it is then.

Striker: So you even con that ditzy blueblood into getting you to the surface?

[Striker and Blitzo shake hands]

Blitzo: Well it’s long and complicated but the short answer is, yes. But he’s not like, you know, we’re not like doing, (stutters) it’s a transactional fucking, you see.

[Blitzo makes a sexual motion with his hands]

Joe: Yo! You boys should enter the Pain Games.

[Blitzo walks rapidly sideways in front of Joe]

Blitzo: I heard games! What games? I’m in!

Lin: Every harvest festival, there’s a competition to be the roughest toughest bastard in Wrath!

[Millie crosses her arms]

Millie: Yeah! Wish I could play!

Lin: Millie, you know you get too carried away. The last competition ended in fifteen separate funerals.

Millie: I’m aware, but I only caused nine of them! How come Sallie May still gets to compete?

Lin: Your sister doesn’t have a neighborhood head count.

Millie: She so does!

[Sallie May carries a sack and a small imp drags an imp body in the background]

Sallie May: (sing-song voice) Doesn’t count if they don’t find the bodies!

[Millie seethes]

Lin: Mil, you get to root for her and your brothers and now you get to cheer on your boss!

[Moxxie puts a hand on Lin’s shoulder]

Moxxie: You know, she can also cheer for me.

Joe: [laughs and slaps his leg] Wait, you?

Moxxie: Yeah! I can compete, can’t I?

''[Lin elbows him hard in the side. Moxxie tears up in pain.]''

Joe: Sorry boy, but I don’t think sensitive thespian types would last very long in the games.

Moxxie: I was born here too. (drawls) I have some fight in me.

[Striker puts a hand on Moxxie’s shoulder]

Striker: Huh. Well then little fella, why don’t ya help me wrangle up them hogs for dinner.

[Striker mentions to a large sleeping hell hog in a pigpen.]

Moxxie: Simple. Watch me.

[Striker grins and hands Moxxie a dagger and rope]

Striker: Nah. With these. Bullets can’t pierce the shell. You gotta get the knife underneath them and pry yourself an opening.

[Moxxie gulps]

Moxxie: Oh, right, right. I knew that.

''[Blitzo leans in toward Moxxie and grabs his shoulders. Moxxie’s eyes twitch.]''

Blitzo: Just remember, your rep with the in laws is on the line here. So no pressure at all, you’ll totally not make an ass of yourself to everyone important in your life. Go get em’ tiger.

[Blitzo shoves Moxxie forward.]

Millie: Mox, you don’t need to do this.

Blitzo: Oh he totally does! Take it fast, Moxxie! Yeah!

''[Blitzo cheers as Moxxie enters the pen. He nervously walks forward, knife in hand. Moxxie leaps forward and wraps the rope around the hog’s neck. He moves the knife down and it strikes harmlessly against the hog’s hide. The hog roars and runs around, trying to buck Moxxie off.]''

Blitzo: Fuck yeah, Moxxie! Ride it, Moxxie! Taking that bitch you won’t call back in the morning!

[Loona grins and records a video on her phone]

Loona: This is fucking beautiful.

Blitzo: Doing great, Moxxie! (whispers to Loona) Send me that video later.

[Millie watches in concern]

''[Moxxie yelps and looks up. Striker leaps and pushes him out of the way. Striker twirls the dagger in his hand and lifts it in the air with a smug grin. He brings down the knife and slaughters the hog.]''

[Moxxie rubs his neck]

Moxxie: Ow. My clavicle.

[Striker stands over Moxxie, his tail rattling like a snake]

Striker: Don’t worry, little one. You never stood a chance.

[Striker walks away with the dead hog over his shoulder]

Striker: Hey boss man. You wanna help the men skin this thing for dinner?

Blitzo: Oh I’m always down for skinning the manly meat with the manly man!

Loona: That’s what she said.

Blitzo: What who said? Wait, what bitch is talking shit about me?!

''[Moxxie sighs sadly with his arm in a cast. Millie comforts him]''

Millie: Don’t let them get to you. And hey, you don’t need my parents to respect you. They will eventually.

Sallie May: No they won’t.

[Millie glares at her]

Sallie May: What? I’m right, ain’t I?

Moxxie: Oh I’m entering those games.

[Millie sighs sadly]

Sallie May: Hmm, How pissed would you be if I bet on him dying?

[Millie glares at her again]