Murder Family/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Murder Family". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Mrs. Mayberry [narrates]: I was a good person before it all went down. I was good my entire life.

''[The scene opens with a shot of a red school house. Birds fly in the background. "Learning is fun" is written on the side of the building. There are trees and a playground. A bell on the roof rings. Mrs. Mayberry opens white curtains, revealing two birds singing on a tree branch. Inside, Mrs. Mayberry writes 'Good morning!" on the blackboard.]''

Mrs. Mayberry: Good morning! [She twirls around and catches her piece of chalk.]

Mrs. Mayberry: I hope you all did your homework!

''[Several smiling students nod in a dance at their desks. A brown-haired boy wearing a dunce cap spins on a stool and faces the wall.]''

[The Teacher Song begins]

Class [sings]: We love to do our homework and we love our teacher too.

Mrs. Mayberry: And when I throw out these fun questions, you should know just what to do.

Class: Okay!

Mrs. Mayberry: Two plus six is...

Class: Eight!

Mrs. Mayberry [sings]: And good behavior's...

Class: Great!

Mrs. Mayberry [sings]: And now it's that part of the class when we say the time of day and date.

Blonde boy [sings]: It's nine in the morning.

Girl [sings]: On January eighth.

Girl [sings]: The sun is out smiling!

Dunce boy [sings]: And it's your husband's birthday!

''[The class sings la la la while Mrs. Mayberry faces the board. She drags her piece of chalk in a line on the board, the piece almost gone. Her face is beaded with sweat and her eye twitches.]''

Mrs. Mayberry [faces the class]: Oh my stars! Stop singing children! Hush up now!

[The class falls silent]

Mrs. Mayberry: I forgot it's my husband's birthday! I didn't get him anything special.

Girl: Maybe if we call him, we could do a happy birthday surprise!

''[Scene cuts to a bedroom. “Wifey” appears with a ringing telephone icon on a computer screen. A sock lands on a corner of the computer. Giggles and an “oh yeah,” come from the room. An unused condom hits the screen as Mrs. Mayberry’s face appears from the other side. Back in the classroom, her face turns red in anger and then shock as she stares in bewilderment. The children stand behind her with concerned, fearful looks.]''

[Her face blank and in shadow, Mrs. Mayberry stands up and walks away.]

Girl: Wait! Mrs. Mayberry!

[Girl grabs hold of Mrs. Mayberry’s arm]

Girl: Remember what you taught us. Think before you act.

''[Mrs. Mayberry grabs hold of the girl’s neck and tosses her through the roof. She walks out the door.]''

''[The children scurry to the window to see Mrs. Mayberry drive through a white picket fence in her green car. The children head back to the computer to watch.]''

Jarold: Okay. [Notices Mrs. Mayberry]. Oh shit, sweetie. What are you doing here?

Mrs. Mayberry: Shut up, Jarold!

[A woman’s screams and shots are heard.]

Mrs. Mayberry: You scream like a fish!

''[Dunce boy cowers in his seat as whirling sounds are heard. Blood splatters against the computer screen as the children stare in horror.]''

Jarold: Oh god, what have you done? She had a family!

Mrs. Mayberry [sobs]: We could’ve had a family!

''[Gunshots are heard and several children look away in disgust. Mrs. Mayberry wipes away the blood from the screen. She looks frazzled at her students.]''

Mrs. Mayberry: Dear god what have I done? In front of you all! [sobs] I’m so sorry, my children. Don’t forget to work on your timestamps.

[Another gunshot is heard and the children faint on the floor one by one.]

Mrs. Mayberry [narrating]: You do everything right in life. Play by all the rules and still get sent down here with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world.

''[The camera lowers to show a pipe and fossils underground, followed by hanging stalactites. The camera stops at the outside of the I.M.P. building. A shot of the door reads “I.M.P. Headquarters” with “Meeting in progress” on a tapped piece of paper. Blitzo is seen on his office chair looking bored as a shadow silhouette of Mrs. Mayberry paces the room.]''

Mrs. Mayberry: After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage. So that’s why I’m here. To get my revenge.

''[Mrs. Mayberry turns around, her face partially shadowed by blinds. She holds a cigarette in her hand.]''

Blitzo: I mean, was she hotter?

''[Mrs. Mayberry glares at Blitzo with an “excuse me?” look on her face]''

Blitzo: I’m just saying I had a hard time understanding the unprompted melodrama you just spat at me, tits.

''[Mrs. Mayberry seethes in anger, her aura glowing red]''

Blitzo: Anyway, I don’t think you quite understand how we’re operating down here.

[Blitzo stands up and Mrs. Mayberry glares at him]

Blitzo: See we take revenge out on the living and it sounds like the core cast of your sitcom of a death frankly are all probably down here in Hell with you. Boop.

[Blitzo bonks her on the nose]

Mrs. Mayberry [clenches her claws]: Not all of them. That whore survived. Now they all call her a hero.

''[The camera zooms up to a hospital bed with a bandaged blonde woman recovering. The room is filled with colorful bouquets of flowers. The woman’s children and husband are by her bedside.]''

Woman reporter: How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?

Martha: I just hope that sick woman finally found peace.

Woman reporter: You are so brave. Here’s two million dollars!

[A golden check slowly moves toward her]

Martha: Oh, thank you!

[Cameras flash as Martha smiles by her husband]

[Martha stands with her husband Ralphie and their two children in front of a house by a lake, surrounded by a picket fence]

Mrs. Mayberry [narrating]: Between the talk shows and the donation bullshit, she made so much goddamn cash. Getting shot was the best thing to happen to her.

''[Scene cuts to Martha standing at a podium with “VNN” on it. A news reporter holds out a microphone among several other microphones.]''

Reporter: You’re a hero!

[Martha is then seen jogging with a dark-skinned woman with blonde hair]

Jogger: You’re a hero, girl!

[In a grocery store, a boy wearing a beaver-skin cap talks with a cash register lady named Brook]

Boy: My mama’s a hero!

Brook: She is a hero!

[Ralphie and Martha have sex in a bedroom and he grunts in pleasure]

Ralphie: You’re a hero!

''[An old priest is seen with his hands folded in prayer by church doors. Martha stands next to him with her hands folded.]''

Priest: You’re a hero!

''[Martha is then seen standing at the front of a classroom with cheering kids. Another woman introduces Martha to the class. “How to deal with trauma 101” is written on the board]''

Class: You’re a hero!

[Martha smiles as she is given anal sex from another man]

Man: Ho ho. You’re a hero!

[Back in Hell, Mrs. Mayberry’s purple fists create cracks on the floor]

Mrs. Mayberry: She’s not a hero!

[She leans in close to Blitzo’s face, her face red with anger]

Blitzo: Yeah, okay, yeah, my thoughts exactly.

''[Blitzo stutters nervously and rapidly presses a red button from underneath his desk. A red light flashes by a label reading “deranged client.” The other labels read “More coffee,” “Soiled my pants,” “Horny client,” “Client giving birth,” “Ghost,” and “Stolas.”]''

''[The camera moves to Moxxie, who is holding a black and red crossbow in his hands. In front of him is a picture of a smiling family: a father, a mother, a baby and two children. His arms are shaking as the pointer hovers around the man’s crotch area]''

Millie: Mox, stop shaking. You’re gonna shoot our only hellhound!

''[Loona lies on a gray couch and holds up the family picture in one hand and her phone in the other. On the wall are drawings of Blitzo in a horse shape and a drawing of Robo Fizz with an arrow sticking out from it.]''

Loona: [sarcastically] Wow, I feel so loved here.

Millie: Just take a deep breath, [inhales] and let it out.

Moxxie: But, it’s family. Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?

Millie: I mean, if that’s what the client wants…

Moxxie: Maybe like a shitty dad. Or a mob family. [Speaks through his teeth] That’ s understandable. [speaks normally] But to eradicate an entire innocent, seemingly innocent, upper middle class family bloodline?

[Loona looks at the picture]

Loona: Hey. You don’t know they’re innocent. [Points to the boy] This kid probably sets dogs on fire. [Points to the girl] Maybe this girl probably gets off to bullying Australian kids online. [Points to the father] and this guy…this guy definitely watches.

Millie: Exactly. Humans are full of secret nasties. It’s why so many of them end up here. But guilty and innocent aren’t our business, Mox. [Cups Moxxie’s cheeks] Killing who we’re paid to is our business. Choose a target. [Kisses him].

[Moxxie aims his crossbow]

Moxxie: I just think it’s a bit excessive and we could be a bit more selective, is all.

{Blitzo Enters the room]

Blitzo: Guys I want you to meet-

[Moxxie releases the arrow and it fly's around the room hitting the target then the eel tank, which then flies towards Mrs. Mayberry, but Blitzo catches the arrow before it hits her.]

Blitzo: Our newest client.

[The eel tank falls over and the electricity lights the room on fire]

Blitzo: Damn it Moxxie I just bought those eels.

[People exit taking the eels away]

Blitzo: Bye and don't worry we'll get that skank in less than 24 hours or your first kill is free!

[Blitzo waves as the car drives away]

Moxxie: When did we start implementing that deal?

[Moxxie Glares]

Blitzo: When you set fire to my office in front of a client you fucking dick shit!

[Blitzo grabs Moxxie by the face then throws him]

[Blitzo puts his hand on his forehead]

Blitzo: Now someone please tell me that fancy book is still intact.

Loona: You mean our only ticket to the other side...

[ Loona pulls the book from behind]

Loona: Yeah, got it.

Blitzo: And that's why your my favorite loony...

[Blitzo pulls out a treat and begins to baby talk to her]

Blitzo: You get a treat now!

[Loona looks disgusted]

Loona: Ew. Stop.

[ Blitzo throws treat in the air and catches it with his tongue to eat it, much to Loona's disgust.]

Loona: You're so gross!

[Millie summons the portal to the human realm.]

Blitzo: Aw... stop it I get enough of that from my therapist.

[Puts his hand on Moxxie's face]

Blitzo: Now let's go lick some ass!!!

Millie: The expression is "kick some ass", Blitzo.

[Millie walks through portal]

Blitzo: Mine's better.

[Blitzo walks through portal]

Moxxie: Ah fuck...

[ Moxxie walks through portal]

[Moxxie and Blitzo are in front of the house]

Blitzo: That's gotta be her. Oh this is too easy, Moxxie you want this one?

Moxxie: Me?

Blitzo: Yeah, this ones simple enough for you to handle.