Western Energy/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Western Energy". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

[The scene begins at “Richest Cup Café, where the poor pour for you!” Stella and Stolas are sipping tea, giving each other glares while Stella's brother, Andrealphus, looks on.]

Stella: Stolas.

Stolas: Stella.

Stella: (censored on YouTube) Cunt.

Stolas: Witch.

Andrealphus: *facepalms* Aurgh!

Stella: *slams hands on table, gets up* FUCKISH. IMP. SUCKER!

Stolas: Why did you insist on meeting me here?

''[A tiny imp server pours tea for Stolas. Stolas looks at his phone that says: “Reminder: Deal @ Ozzie’s set.”]''

Andrealphus: Ahem! We wanted to properly discuss the terms of this divorce. I feel my darling sister deserves a bit more…compensation. After all, you did CHEAT on the poor thing. Surely you owe…

Stolas: Andrealphus, cheating implies there was a betrayal. This woman never gave two shits about me or our very much arranged marriage. As far as I’m concerned, this divorce is far overdue.

[The imp server looks out to see Striker’s horse is seen racing toward the glass window.]

Stella: Up yours! *flips Stolas the bird*

Andrealphus: *groans* Stellaaa, for fuck’s sake, stop making this harder to bullshit!

''[The window breaks, revealing Striker posing on a table. He twirls two angelic revolvers in his hands. He fires one and the bullet hits the window near Stolas’ head. Stella grins evilly at Stolas as he dodges more bullets. He flies out toward the exit. Striker wraps Stolas in glowing white rope before he can escape. Stolas falls to the ground in an alley, captured.]''

Stolas: Oh, dear…this is worrisome.

''[The scene cuts to Blitzo driving the I.M.P. van, with Moxxie and Millie in the back and a fearful Loona next to Blitzo. Blitzo’s phone lets out a bird ringtone.]''

Blitzo: Oh, shit. Stolas! It’s really not a good time, buddy…

Stolas: I’m sorry it’s a bad time yet again, Blitzy. But, umm…I seem to have found myself in a bit of a sitch. I’m tied to the back of a horse at the moment.

Blitzo: Pffttt…lucky bitch.

Stolas: Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by little cowboy friend of yours.

Blitzo: Ohh, which one?

Moxxie: How many cowboy friends do you know? (To Stolas) What does he look like, your highness?

[Stolas glances up at Striker’s grinning face as he rides his horse.]

Stolas: Umm…sexy?

Moxxie: That’s Striker, sir!

Blitzo: Oh, for fuck’s sake! Can’t you just get away? Aren’t you powerful?

Stolas: I believe he has bound me with blessed rope, which limits my ability to free myself, I’m afraid. So, I think you should come save me.

Blitzo: Oh, shit. Stolas, I can’t today, alright? I’m sorry. I-I’m literally on my way to take Loona in for her very important Hellbies S.H.O.T.

[Blitzo glances nervously at a frightened Loona.]

Blitzo: It takes years to book an appointment at this place, it took five to get this one. So you know- eh, and she’s been doing a lot of field work so, you know, she needs it.

Stolas: Oh, ha, ha. Well, I do agree that is very important…But, I-

Striker: Would you shut up already? I can hear you, by the way.

[Striker swipes Stolas’s cell phone with his tail.]

Striker: Don’t worry about your lanky birdy…he’s in good hands. *crushes the phone and laughs*

Stolas: Oh, shit. Am I in danger right now?

Blitzo: Gaaagh, damn it!

''[Blitzo breaks his phone in his hand. He moves the clutch forward and the can speeds down the highway.]''

Millie: Sir, let me and Moxxie handle this one.

Blitzo: Okay, are you sure you two got this alone?

Moxxie: We can do it, sir. Together, we are a lethal combo. And we both have a score to settle with that dickhead.

[Millie places a cowboy hat onto Moxxie’s head.]

Blitzo: Alright. Well, hurry. Stolas sounds like he might be in real shit this time.

[Blitzo pulls up to the tall St. An's Hospital main building.]

Blitzo: And knowing THAT guy’s aesthetic, my money’s that he’s in Wrath.

[Blitzo drops the car keys into Moxxie’s hand, as Blitzo pulls Loona out of the van and carries her over his head.]

Blitzo: Now, get your asses down there and look for some cowboy crap or something.

[Moxxie drives the van away.]

Blitzo: Come on, Loonie, come on, this will be over lickity split, alright?

''[Blitzo pushes the door open and drags Loona inside by her tail. Loona scratches at the floor, hesitant to go in.]''

Blitzo: Christ on a stick! Of all the days for him to get his stupid feathered-ass kidnapped…I have waited five fucking years for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITLE RED HOLE!

''[Blitzo glances over to a demon mother glaring at him. Her son is next to her on a leash.]''

Blitzo: Hi. The fuck you looking at?

[Blitzo walks up to the desk toward a goat nurse.]

Blitzo: Heya, toots. I’m here for that S.H.O.T. for my Loonie Toonie. *laughs*

''[Loona growls from behind. A nearby poster shows a hound with a needle in its back that reads “Get yours today or else!”]''

Nurse: The what?

Blitzo: Urgh. *grabs notepad* The B.U.L.L shit that my daughter has to get every year that you M.O.T.H.E.R. FUCKERS only allow us to schedule every five years. How the fuck you fuck up that bad, anyway, Titty Haver?

[Blitzo writes on the notepad.]

Nurse: Oh, I can’t spell…

[Blitzo pushes the notepad to her.]

Nurse: I can’t read, either.

Blitzo: The fucking Hellbies shot you fucking re-allly can’t say that word anymore. The appointment is under Blitzo.

[The nurse flips through the notepad.]

Nurse: Uhhhm…I don’t see any Blitz on the list.

Blitzo: With an “O,” is silent you fucking…

[The nurse flips the notepad over.]

Nurse: OH! An “O” right here, yep, yep. Blitzoooo. Blitzooo.

[Blitzo’s eye twitches and he seethes in anger.]

Nurse: Yes, well. We will be ready for her in just a bit. Please take a seat, Mr. O.

''[Blitzo reveals his pistol hidden in his shirt and the demon mother glares at him in suspicion. Blitzo chuckles nervously.]''

Blitzo: Perf.

[Blitzo walks over and takes a seat with his arms folded.]

[Blitzo glances at Loona who is whimpering in fear under three chairs.]

Blitzo: Oh, don’t worry, Loonie. It’s okay, it’s just one little prick, you won’t feel it.

Mother: Ew, don’t say that, it sounds vulgar.

Blitzo: Excuse me?

Mother: Pervert!

[The next scene cuts to Striker galloping on his horse with Stolas tied up behind him.]

(Striker’s theme song begins)

He’s galloping over the dusty plains

Even the cacti know his name

If you don’t want to die, don’t cross his path

The best assassin in the ring of Wrath

''He’s Striker! He’s Striker!''

Sure shootin’, darn tootin’, his name is Striker

Gonna bring that bird back to his lair

With his magic rope and Western flair

He’s very good at causing pain

And he loves to ride on the choo-choo-

(Striker glares at the mariachi quartet imps before they can say “train”)

Dirty-dealin’, prince-stealin’

He’s a villain, Striker!

He’s fast and strong and tall and mean

The foulest imp you’ve ever seen

He’ll break your bones to hear ‘em crunch

He likes to eat Pâté for lunch

He’s Striker, hmm, ye-ye-yeah

He’s Striker

[The last imp extends the notes, much to Striker’s annoyance.0

He’s Striker, he-

Striker: SHUT THE FUCK UP! I’M TRYIN’ TO DO MY FUCKING JOB! YOU COMIN’ IN HERE SINGING ABOUT ME FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE YOU FREAKS!

[The terrified mariachi imps quietly ride away in the cart.]

Stolas: How does one get their own theme song?

[Back to Blitzo in the waiting room.]

Blitzo: Soooo, nice weather we’re having, huh?

Boy: *points to Blitzo* Look mommy! They let fire toads in here!

Blitzo: The fuck did you just call me?

Mother: (to her son) It’s not polite to call them that to their face, honey. Wait until we’re in the car.

Blitzo: You got a problem with me, (YouTube censored) cunt?

Mother: *gasps* There is a child present you filthy Wrathian!

Blitzo: Oh, I am not from Wrath, bitch. Also, my kid’s here, too, and I don’t think she would appreciate you calling her father…”things.”

Mother: *turns to nurse* Is there any way we can reschedule for a time when less of the unemployed rabble are out?

Blitzo: Oh, please. I bet the hardest work you’ve ever done is convincing your husband that little shit’s his.

[Blitzo points to the boy whose eyes start to water.]

Mother: Oh, yeah? And what do you do that’s SO important?

Blitzo: Me? Oh, I kill people. How does a two for one special sound, whore?

[Blitzo pulls out his flintlock pistol and points it at her.]

Nurse: Mr. O, the doc will see your hound now.

''[Blitzo strangles the mother and the boy with his arm and then shoves them to the floor. He brushes off his suit and carries Loona into the room, blowing a raspberry behind him.]''

[The next scene shows Moxxie and Millie pulling up to a gas station in the desert.]

Moxxie: Crumbs! I’ll grab the gas. Millie, go and see if anyone’s seen Striker anywhere.

''[Millie and Moxxie get out of the van as a biker gang pulls up. The bikers notice Moxxie.]''

Biker: Hey, queer boy! You stealin’ my hat?

Moxxie: What?

Biker: Same hat.

Moxxie: Oh, sorry. My wife just put this hat on my head you know, because it was…hot…outside…

[The biker gets into Moxxie’s face.]

Biker: Saaame. Haaat.

Moxxie: *sighs* So we’re doing this, huh?

Millie: *spots the mariachi band)* Howdy, boys! Y’all seen this mother fucker riding around here?

''[Millie shows the band a drawing of Striker firing a gun. Moxxie is seen fighting the bikers in the background.]''

Band: He’s galloping…

Millie: No, NO! No singing! Just a yes or no, please.

Imp: Yeah, he lives out by the Badman Lands, in the old train tunnel by the mine shafts. Very outlaw aesthetic, ya can’t miss it.

''[Moxxie rides on the biker leader’s back and slams the biker’s head on the door. He slams the biker’s head through one of the van windows. He swipes his credit card before avoiding the biker’s attacks. He takes the gas nozzle and wraps the hose around the biker’s throat, then pulls the biker down, puts the nozzle in the tank and leans against the van with his phone.]''

Millie: Thank you, kindly. Come on, Mox! We got a lead!

''[Moxxie and Millie get back into the van. Moxxie speeds forward, taking off the biker’s head and exploding the gas station. The roof falls to the side.]''

''[The scene cuts back to Striker's hideout where he's tied up Stolas upside down on some railroad tracks. Stolas opens his eyes and spots Striker nearby using a whetstone to sharpen a Blessed Knife.]''

Stolas: So, my wife paid you for this, hmm? Wouldn't a holy bullet have sufficed? Or can you not afford those?

Striker: I was paid to give you the real royal treatment; your wife must REALLY hate you. *chuckles*

Stolas: You have no idea. *looks around* So. Train tracks? Really? Seems a bit clichéd doesn't it?

Striker: It's a classic.

Stolas: Is the giant statue of yourself also a 'classic' or...? ''

[The camera shifts up to a statue in front of Striker that has him grinning with a giant erection.]''

Striker: *pissed off and throws the whetstone* Are you seriously judging me right now?!

Stolas: I'm just impressed you seem to want to suck your own dick this badly.

Striker: *advances towards Stolas* Look; Not every ring is some fancy ass city, with some fancy ass mansion, that only fancy ass royals get to live in. Some of us have hard lives to live. And some of us have everything we care about taken away by fuckers like you.

Stolas: I have no- AAAGH!

[Striker stabs Stolas in the shoulder with the knife & then cuts him down.]

Striker: YOU. Don't get to talk over me! *slaps Stolas with his tail* I don't have to listen to your bullshit! *jams his foot into Stolas's shoulder wound* All you royals ever do is try to talk over us!

[Stolas tries to petrify Striker, but the rope prevents his powers from working.]

Striker: Don't bother trying to use your little 'eye trick' on me; those ropes ain't gonna let you do anything. Got somethin' to say about that? Your 'Highness'? *steps on Stolas's open wound once again*

Stolas: Well, you seem to be forgetting; you are working for a royal right NOW! *Stolas kicks Striker in the face*

[Striker grabs Stolas's ankle and Striker lift up his foot and stomp on Stolas’s leg and breaks it.]

Stolas : *grunts but doesn’t show any pain* Blitzo handles me rougher than that in bed; nice try.

[Put off by this, Striker stabs Stolas in the leg.]

Stolas: Blitzy's knife is bigger... and hits sooooo MUCH deeper.

Striker: *getting fed up* Being a smartass hmm? 'Cause once I split your neck open and let you choke on your own blue blood, you won't be worth any more than the tombstone you'll be buried under.

Stolas: Blitzy says far more dirtier things to me with much sharper objects at my throat.

''[Angered with Stolas' refusal to give in, Striker throws him to the ground and storms away to sulk. Stolas rolls over and sheds a few tears while hoping Blitzo saves him.]''

[Back at St. An's Hospital, Blitzo and Loona are inside the Doctor's office.]

Doc: Welcome, Bingo. And this must be 'Tuna'.

Blitzo: Loona, yeah. And you can hurry up please; she isn't a fan of shots. So, let's make this quick for all our sakes.

Doc: Oho! Come, now; it can't be that bad. I see hellhounds every day; there hasn't been one that has caused any issues.

''[Doc pulls out a comically large syringe; Loona immediately growls and lunges at him. Blitzo quickly grabs the Doc and gets him out of the way.]''

Blitzo: Yep, right there. Told you, dipshit.

''[The scene shifts to Andrealphus's mansion in the Pride Ring. Andrealphus and Stella are having tea and Andrealphus creates several ice cubes, stirring them into his drink.]''

Andrealphus: So. Earlier. That assassin. Was that yooouuu?

Stella: *in a singsong voice and smiling* Guuiilty. Yes, it was.

Andrealphus: You silly minx, you *giggles*. Though, you know, if your husband dies it won't turn out well for you.

Stella: He'll be dead; why wouldn't it?

Andrealphus: *somewhat concerned* Because, my dear sister, he's already produced an heir; when he dies, his duties, his possessions, his legions, it'll all pass to.... Via.

[Stella absentmindedly continues to drink without acknowledging him.]

Andrealphus: (annoyed) If you kill him, you would....

Stella: Laugh? Ha-

Andrealphus: *slams his fist down in anger* NO, you stupid cow! You get nothing!... You're SO lucky that you're attractive.

Stella: Well, what do you propose we do? He won't leave me anything willingly; he hates me almost as much as I hate him.

Andrealphus: Hmm. Well, this kind of situation is extremely unique; a Goetia has never behaved like this before. But with him ALIVE, we have options. Opportunities. An eternity's a long time, my dear; I say we bide our time, and wait for our chance to... GAIN the upper hand.

Stella: *begins to pout and whine* Oohhhhhh, but I want him dead SO BADLY!

Andrealphus: And he will be, in time, my fiery vixen. But, patience first; now, call off your mangy stray.

''[Back at Striker's hideout, he throws Stolas down while circling him. Stolas is panting and whimpering in pain.]''

Striker: Well, this has been fun, but every good thing has to come to an end. Shame you won't see your kid again.

Stolas: (angrily) Don't you dare breathe a word against my daughter.

Striker: Ohh. Finally hit a nerve, huh?

Stolas: I swear, if you go near her, I will destroy you.

Striker: *stabs Stolas in the shoulder again* Big talk. But just that. Any last words, Goetia?

Stolas: (weakly) Blitzo will-

Striker: That rodeo clown told you he ain't coming; NOBODY is coming.

[As Striker raises the knife up to stab Stolas through the heart, he hears his phone ringing.]

Striker: Hello?

Stella: (over the phone) Change of plans, darling. I need the prick alive.

''Striker looks annoyed and shifts his gaze between the wounds on Stolas and his knife. Stolas tried to speak but Striker use his tail to cover Stolas’s mouth.]''

Striker: I'm kinda in the middle of killing him.

Stella: (over the phone) Well, stop it. We need him alive to get some affairs in order. I'll pay you more to spare him and bring him to us.

Striker: *groans in annoyance* Yes ma'am.

Stella: (over the phone) Glorious.

[Striker growls and smashes his phone against a rock.]

Striker: Well, good news for you, Feathers. your royal (censored) bitch don't want you dead no more. But, she didn't say what condition you had to be in

[He grabs Stolas and hovers his knife near the prince's eyes.]

Striker: I think these reds might be a pretty trophy; can't have you seeing me again, can we?

''[A car horn is heard in the distance; Striker gets up and growls while looking for the source. Parts of the cavern ceiling begin to gave way and the I.M.P van breaks through, tumbling down an embankment and as the van comes to a rest, the door opens with Moxxie aiming a rifle at Striker.]''

''[The latter dodges several bullets and throws his knife into the rifle, causing another bullet to ricochet around the cavern and strike a nearby boom box that begins playing. As Striker pulls out two revolvers, Millie attacks him with a longsword from behind; Striker takes the sword and Millie charges with a katana while Moxxie attacks as well with two revolvers of his own. All three fight to a standstill and the long sword breaks, with the tip landing in the boombox. Striker is surprised by the song it switches to, but quickly disregards it as Moxxie and Millie double team him with a battle axe.]''

''[The scene switches several times between Striker fighting Moxxie and Millie with Blitzo and the Doc trying to give Loona her shot. The Doc ends up getting slammed into a bin of used needles, screaming in pain while Striker kicks Moxxie down and pins Millie to a rock with her axe. He notices Moxxie still moving and lassos a nearby stalagmite and slams it into Moxxie's back. As Striker goes in for the kill, Loona is pinned to the ground by Blitzo who motions to the Doc to give her the shot. The Doc sticks Loona in her rear, causing her to howl in pain and rage, and bucks Blitzo off her into the floor.]''

Striker: *sees Moxxie reaching for his pistol* Oh, I remember how easy you are to choke the life out of, little one.

Moxxie: (weakly) Ohhhh, harder.

''[Striker immediately gets up, disgusted. Moxxie then kicks Striker's legs out from under him and lassos Striker by the neck, spinning him around and throws him to the ground.]''

Moxxie: You cowboy piece of shit!

''[As Striker aims a revolver at Moxxie, Millie frees herself and strikes the base of his statue. Striker looks up to see it falling towards him; he tries to move out of the way, but the statue lands on top of him. As Moxxie approaches it, the smoke clears to see that Striker is gone.]''

Moxxie: (upset that Striker got away) Fuck.

[He looks towards Millie and sees her with an unconscious Stolas.]

Moxxie: Oh, crumbs! We've got to get him to a hospital!

''[As a group of reporters stand outside St. An's, Blitzo and Loona emerge (with the former being beaten up and scratched and the latter with a cone around her neck and holding a lollipop). Moxxie and Millie pull up to the front.]''

Blitzo: Oh, good. You guys actually managed to-

''[A horde of medical personnel and reporters trample Blitzo as they rush to the van. Two Plague Doctors opened the van door and it switches to Millie looking worried as the two plague doctors put Stolas on the stretcher. Blitzo gets trample again when they wheeled Stolas inside. Blitzo sees a passing look at Stolas' tail feathers as they pass by.]''

Moxxie: Sir, are you alright?

Blitzo: (confused) Oh, peachy. Yeah, no. Today has been wonderful; *points to the hospital doors* what the fuck was THAT about?

Millie: Stolas got hurt, bad.

Blitzo: (shocked and worried) Stolas got what? How?... He can get hurt?

[A defeated Loona saunters towards the van and falls face down in the back seat.]

''[As Stolas is in a hospital room recovering from his injuries. A heart monitor was beeping and he is surrounded by many plants; have an IV bag next to him showing blood being transferred into him. Stolas has bandages wrapped around his chest and right arm in a big cast and sling. His left leg is in a cast and propped up in a sling and right thigh is bandaged up.]''

[Stolas hears his phone buzzing and sees a notification from Blitzo, the former starts scrolling through their prior conversations.]

Stolas: I’M SORRY IF ANYTHING I SAID OR DID MAY HAVE OFFENDED YOU TONIGHT.

Blitzo: ITZ WUTEVS

Stolas: NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER, MAYBE WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AT OZZIE'S?

'Blitzo: Y?''

Stolas: ''I’M SORRY! NEVERMIND, IT’S NOT A BIG DEAL. I WAS JUST WORRIED ABOUT YOU. YOU SEEMED VERY UPSET AND YOU TOOK OFF SO FAST. BUT MAYBE I READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT, I’M GLAD IF THAT’S NOT THE CASE. I WASN’T UPSET EITHER, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN’T AND OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN HANDLE ANY STUPID JOKE A CLOWN CAN MAKE. ASMODEUS CAN BE VERY INVASIVE IN HIS HUMOR, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY MYSELF. WHAT HE SAID ABOUT ME AT LEAST, I ENJOY BEING THE SUBJECT OF JEST. MAYBE YOU CAN SAY MEAN THINGS TO ME TOO NEXT TIME YOU COME OVER.''

Stolas: IF YOU WANT?

Blitzo: SHUR

Stolas: THANKS FOR HELPING ME WITH VIA TODAY, YOU WERE GREAT IN THAT HUMAN SHOW.

Blitzo: NP

Stolas: ARE YOU COMING OVER TONIGHT WITH THE BOOK?

Blitzo: LYKE OLWAYS

Stolas: ''IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE COMING, THAT’S OK! I’M SURE I CAN DO WITHOUT IT FOR ONE MONTH. :)''

Blitzo: K

Stolas: ''DO YOU PLAN TO VISIT TOMORROW? I KNOW YOU’VE BEEN BUSY, AND WORKING HARD. MAYBE IF YOU’D PREFER, WE CAN SKIP THE BEDROOM AND JUST RELAX, MAYBE? I’M SURE YOU NEED A BREAK.''

Blitzo: WUTEVR YOU WANT, ITS UR NIGHT

Stolas: ''IF YOU’RE NOT UP FOR IT, OR TOO TIRED, THAT’S PERFECTLY FINE. NO PRESSURE, I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING WITH THE GRIMOIRE TILL NEXT MONTH.''

Blitzo: MAE BEE

Stolas: ''MAYBE INSTEAD OF OUR USUAL ARRANGEMENT ON THE FULL MOON WE COULD PROPERLY CATCH UP THIS WEEK? MAYBE MONDAY?''

Blitzo: I MITE B BSUY

Stolas: I WOULDN’T WANT TO BOTHER YOU!

Stolas: YOU CAN ALWAYS DROP OFF THE BOOK ON THE FULL MOON AND I CAN LEAVE IT FOR YOU IF YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING…

Stolas: BUT, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU.

Blitzo: K

Blitzo: GIT BEVVER SWOON :(

[He weakly smiles when Blitzo sends a get well soon message.]

Stolas: ''THANK YOU, BLITZ, THAT MEANS A LOT. I MIGHT BE HERE FOR A WHILE, IF YOU EVER WANT TO VISIT.💜''

''[After responding that Blitzo's free to visit while he's recovering, Stolas sees Blitzo typing a message but does not send it. He dejectedly puts his phone down and rolls over as several flower petals fall and he fell asleep.]''