Welcome to Heaven (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Welcome to Heaven". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Charlie: Ok, I have my warm weather clothes, my cold weather clothes, I have a light jacket, flak jacket and rain jacket- wait, does it rain in heaven?

Vaggie: Charlie, you're only going to heaven for a few hours.

Charlie: Vaggie, we are only going to heaven for a day, I just want to be prepared! It's our last chance to convince heaven a soul can be redeemed.

Vaggie: Yeah, I wish I could come sweetie but I have that…thing.

Charlie: What thing?

Vaggie: The thing with the.. uhm.. fuck, gah, I'm such a bad liar.

Charie: Vaggie, you're my partner, I need you there with me.

Vaggie: *sighs* Fine.

Charlie: Yes!

Angel: Oh, fuck.

Niffty: You look messy! What happened to you?

Angel: It's who happened to me, And the answer is everyone! Twice. Val had me working 16 hours straight on a fucking whim. The absolute dickbag.

[wall explodes]

Angel: Argh! What the fuck is with that wall?!

Cherri: What up hoes? *laughs*

Angel: Holy shit! Cherri Bomb? Long time no see baby!

Cherri: Angie, ya bitch! You been texting me depressing shit all day! Figured we could tear shit up like old times. It's been fucking forever!

[Cherri gives the bomb to Charlie]

Cherri: Here, hold this.

Charlie: Ah! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Vaggie: Nope, gimme that.

Angel: I love to see ya Cherri but I'm too tired, I need to pass out.

Cherri: You can sleep when you're double dead, fuckhead! Come on, what you really need is a recharge! A reinvigoration, a re—

Charlie: Responsible night on the town! That is a great idea! Hi! I'm Charlie! That's my wall that you just blew up. It's no nice to meet one of Angel's friends! Agh! He never brings anyone around.

Cherri: Tsh, wonder why.

Charlie: Yeah, me too. Anyway, Angel and everyone else have been working so hard, I think they deserve to have a little fun.

Cherri: Wait wait wait, they?

Charlie: Yeah! Hi, everyone! Angel and his friend are taking you all out for a fun night of relaxation!

Cherri: wait, I'm only here for Ange—

[Charlie hands Cherri Bomb a stack of money]

Cherri: Oh! Never mind, Lets go!

Charlie: Make sure they have the best time tonight! Anyway, the portal to heaven should be opening right about…

[Portal to Heaven opens]

Charlie: Now! Bye!!

[Charlie and Vaggie enter the portal as Sir Pentious walks by, spots Cherri Bomb and spits out his drink in shock]

Pentious: Well! If it isn't my arch-nemesis! Have you come to meet your fate in battle, Cherri Bomb?

Cherri: Apparently, I'm going out with Angel and I gotta drag your sorry asses along.

Pentious: Oh, oh, so you and I are going out for fun? I… I didn't think this would ever happen. *panicked* What do I do? What do I wear??

Cherri: Don't fucking touch me ya munted dickhead.

[in Heaven]

Charlie: Vaggie, look at this place! It's so clean! Isn't this amazing?

Vaggie: *sarcastically* Yup, super cool. Heaven. Wow.

St. Peter: Hiya! Welcome to Heaven! Can I get your name please?

Charlie: Oh! Uhm, uh, Charlie Morningstar!

St. Peter: Charlie Morningstar, hmm, *mumbling names from list* I'm not seeing you on my list here, that's so odd.

Charlie: Uh, uhm, my dad got me this meeting so maybe try Lucifer Morningstar?

St. Peter: Oh fuck! *nervously* Yeah, hoooo, hehe. Yikes, am I right? Are you sure you're in the right place? Because I think you might be a little lost.

Vaggie: Oh, here we go.

Charlie: No, uh… we're here for a meeting.

Sera: Saint Peter, We can take it from here. Greetings, daughter of the Morningstar. I am Sera, the high seraphim of heaven. You are gifted to be here.

Emily: *squeals* Hi! I'm Emily, the other seraphim, though you can call me Em! Or Emmy, or E, whatever you want, I go by whatever. *giggles* Welcome to Heaven!

St. Peter: Dearly beloved, it is my pleasure to say onto thee, *singing* Welcome to Heaven, oh oh!

where the virtuous reside, 24/7, oh oh!

people are happy that they died, cause here we got no worries, no burglaries, no strife

It's the perfect afterlife! Welcome to Heaven, oh oh!

check out our sick decor! The spirits leaven, oh!

please keep your brimstone off the floor, we've got the best and brightest, the politest of the lot

and everyone is hot!

Emily: *singing* gosh, I'm so pleased to show some outsiders around.

after you see our realm, you'll never wanna go back down

Sera: *singing* Of course it is just temporary, I'm sorry you can't stay

St. Peter and Emily: *singing* cause every single day in Heaven is a happy day! Welcome to Heaven!

[Charlie, Vaggie, Sera and Emily walk off and Adam and Lute notice them]

Adam: Holy fucking shit balls, am I seeing who I think I'm seeing?

Lute: What is she doing here? How did she even get up here?

Adam: Who cares? I'm handling this shit right now.

Lute: Wait! You want to start a fight on the promenade in front of everyone?

Adam: Better than waiting for the fucking excecution.

Lute: SHHH, sir, what was the Seraphim's one rule?

Adam: Uuughhh, "no one but the exorcists can know about exterminations" I know fine. *slurps drink* And don't fucking shush me bitch.

Sera: You should listen to your lieutenant, Adam.

Adam: Fuck! Sera! You can't sneak up on a guy like that, jeez.

Lute: Your highness, forgive me, but what are the hell spawn doing here?

Sera: Well, you failed to control the demons unrest and now Lucifer's involved, setting up an audience for his misguided daughter. I never would've agreed to your yearly activities if I thought it would bring trouble to our doorstep. Keeping Heaven safe was my only reason for allowing it.

Adam: What do you want from me? I'm just one guy.

Sera: I want you to do whatever you need to do to keep this problem from getting any worse. Are we clear?

Adam: Yeah. Got it.

Charlie: Okay, I love Heaven! Vaggie, did you see the ice cream shop? They had sprinkles made of rainbows!

Vaggie: Those are just rainbow sprinkles.

Charlie: Emily's going to take me to a zoo where all the animals are actually soft! You coming?

Vaggie: Uh, I need a break. But hug a koala for me.

Charlie: O.M.G! Can you imagine an actual koala? *sqeals happily* see you later!

[Vaggie lays on the bed and sighs]

Adam: Hey there Vag-asauras!

Vaggie: Charlie will be back soon, you need to get out now.

Adam: I'm not looking for the blonde babe, I'm looking for you.

Vaggie: Why?

Adam: Maybe because you left the band, you tried for a solo career, or I guess it's more of a… duet!

Vaggie: I don't know what you're talking about.

Adam: Do you really think I wouldn't recognise one of my top girls just cuz you're out of uniform? You were on the front lines, I wouldn't forget a bad bitch like you. It's why I named you after the best thing ever. Vaggie.

Vaggie: Adam, its pronounced Vaggie.

Adam: Mmmmm, no! Anyway, you sure fucked up, didn't you?

[Cuts to a flashback of Vaggie as an executioner chasing down a sinner child]

Executioner Vaggie: Go! Run! Quietly!

[Lute appears behind her and stabs her eye out for letting a sinner get away and Vaggie screams]

Lute: Sinful filth like you has no place in heaven.

Adam: To think someone as worthless as you landed Lilith's little hottie. Congrats on that I guess.

Lute: Their love is vile and blasphemous.

Adam: Hot as fuck though. But I wonder what your bitch would think if she found out you were one of us, hmmm?

Vaggie: What do you want?

Adam: Simple, you work for me again and at the hearing you're going to help me shut this kindergarten snowflake bullshit down for good.

Vaggie: Never!

Adam: Oh yeah, you know, that's totally cool. I guess I'll just tell little miss butterflies and rainbows that she's been fucking someone who's killed thousands of her people. I'm sure your relationship will be fine. See you in court!

Charlie: Oh no, not him again!

Adam: What up babe? Saw that you went to my manager. Low blow Karen.

Sera: we are gathered here today to determine where or not a soul in hell can be redeemed into the heavenly realm via means of this "Hazbin Hotel". Princess Morningstar?

charlie: *sigh* thank you, seraphim. *clears throat* Webster’s dictionary defines redemption as—

Adam: objection, lame and unoriginal.

Sera: sustained. No further dictionary references please.

Charlie: right, ok, uh, uh… uhhmmmm…

Adam: if you have actual evidence, then show it already.

Charlie: we have a patron right now who is making incredible progress!

Adam: who?

Charlie: Angel dust.

Adam: oh yeah, the porn demon. He’s totally worth being redeemed. *blows raspberry*

Charlie: well, if you know so much, what do you think it takes to get into heaven?

Adam: uhmm… w-well… Uhh…

Sera: is everything ok, adam?

Adam: give me a fucking minute ok? *mutters*

Vaggie: *reading list* “act selfless, don’t steal, stick it to the man.” Are you fucking serious?

Adam: uh, yeah. Sure got me here didnt it? *laughs nervously* right, Sera?

Sera: he was the first human soul in heaven.

Charlie: well, I bet Angel is doing all of those things right now!

Adam: then let’s fucking see it brah! *snaps fingers*

Charlie: your honour, may I present exhibit A.

Cherri: woo! Isn’t this place the fucking best?

Husk: I’ll admit, “consent” is a good name for a sex club.

Pentious: niffty, dear, what are you doing?

Niffty: I’m sweeping! Ugh, look how icky it is in here!

Pentious: that’s because we’re at a night club, dear.

Niffty: oh! I thought the hotel looked different! *giggles*

Pentious: Ms. Bomb, I-I’d like to buy you a drink.

Cherri: why? Didn’t you say we’re arch rivals?

Pentious: uhm… uhh… because I’m buying everyone a drink!

Crowd: free drinks! I love alcohol!

Angel: good, I need a drink after today. You know, Val, he’s into this waterboarding shit now, I don’t know it’s a kink.

Cherri: Angel, enough with the Val talk. He already ruined your whole day, don’t let him ruin your night too. Here, take one of these and you won’t be worrying about nothing.

Husk: here we go.

Cherri: oh look! The drunk sobered up long enough to judge us.

Husk: I ain’t the one trying to get into heaven. Look, you want to fuck up all your progress? Be my guest. I just… *sighs* I just thought you were better than that.

Cherri: thanks captain buzzkill. come on Angie, let’s get fucked up! It’s been too long!

Angel: I uhh… I don’t know, it’s been a long night and I don’t need to go too wild.

Husk: *approvally* hmm.

Cherri: come on, bitch. If you’ve really been working that hard, you deserve a little R and R, some THC, or maybe PCP with DMT. Aw fuck it, let’s see where the night takes us, huh?

Angel: I.. I guess?

Pentious: Cherri, I bought you a shot. B-because I brought everyone a shot! hooray! *chuckles*

Crowd: yeah! Another drink! I love alcohol!

Angel: *drinks shot* ah… fuck it, let’s do it.

Husk: *sighs*

Adam: heavenly people, what more do you need to see? The porn star chose a night of debauchery. That’s not a soul worthy of being in heaven!

Charlie: uhm, objection! Are you really telling me you’ve never had a drink with friends after a hard day?

Adam: uh, we don’t have hard days? It’s fucking heaven, bitch. Are you seriously gonna sit there and pretend like this behaviour is ok? *to vaggie* What do you think?

Vaggie: I-i- I have to go the bathroom!

Charlie: what? Vaggie, can you hold it?! *frustrated groan* Angel will make good decisions, come on! We have to keep watching! Please?

Sera: *sighs* yeah, I don’t know.

Emily: come on, let’s give him a chance.

Sera: very well, the court will allow it.

Charlie: fuck, yes! I mean… heh… thank you.

Cherri: round 12, mother fuckers! The heels are coming off!

Angel: ho ho yeah! Keep em coming! Come on, right here! Come right to daddy.

Pentious: oh, it’s wonderful to have friends! *chuckles*

Niffty: everything’s spinny! *giggles*

Angel: alright, I think you’re done, tiny.

Niffty: No! Gimme gimme gimme!

Cherri: oh come on, bitch! She can handle a little more!

Angel: she’s like 10 pounds soaking wet and— oh shit, where’d she go?

guys at a table: hey! Fuck!

Niffty: dirty, dirty! Make it clean!

Angel: damn it, niffty. Sorry fellas, here, next one’s on me. Niffty? Shit!

Niffty: chlorine… Bleach…