Loo Loo Land (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Loo-Loo Land". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[The episode opens to a shot of the exterior of Stolas's estate at night, before cutting to the master bedroom where Stolas and Stella are asleep. Octavia's frightened voice can be heard from offscreen.]''

Octavia [offscreen]: Mummy! Daddy!

[Stolas is roused from his sleep.]

Stolas: Via's calling us, Stella.

Stella: [sighs] You get up.

[Stolas sighs and gets out of bed, and enters Octavia's room, where she is hiding beneath her blankets.]

Stolas: Dear? What troubles you, my owlet?

Octavia [sobbing]: Daddy! Daddy! I had a dream! A really bad dream!

Stolas: A nightmare.

Octavia: I was looking all over the palace, and I couldn't find you anywhere! You weren't there!

[Stolas summons his Grimoire to him telekinetically, and flips it open.]

Stolas: There there, Via, it's okay; you're okay. When you're scared and you don't know where I am, you must remember: no matter what happens to me, I will never be far away from my special little Starfire.

♫ It always seems more quiet in the dark ♫ ♫ It always feels so stark ♫ ♫ How silence grows under the moon ♫ ♫ Constellations gone so soon ♫ ♫ I used to think that I was bold ♫ ♫ I used to think love would be fun ♫ ♫ Now all my stories have been told except for one... ♫

♫ As the stars start to align ♫ ♫ I hope you take it as a sign ♫ ♫ That you'll be okay. Everything will be okay ♫ ♫ And if the Seven Rings collapse ♫ ♫ Although the day could be my last ♫ ♫ You will be okay. When I'm gone you'll be okay... ♫

♫ And when Creation goes to die ♫ ♫ You can find me in the sky ♫ ♫ Upon the last day ♫ ♫ And you will be okay... ♫

''[His lullaby finished, Stolas leaves as his daughter settles to sleep, content. Cut to several years later, where she is jolted awake by smashing objects and screaming, far less content.]''

Stella [offscreen]: I can't believe you slept with an imp, IN OUR FUCKING BED!

Stolas [offscreen]: It was unexpected! I didn't have time to go to a motel!

Stella [offscreen]: A motel?! Like a fucking plebian?!

''[Octavia grabs her phone, and puts in earbuds, starting a pop song as she strides down the halls of the estate, stepping over the smashed remains of a plant thrown in her path. In the kitchen, Stella continues screaming at Stolas.]''

Stella: You want to fuck this one, too?!

[Stella grabs an imp servant and violently tosses him in Stolas's direction.]

Stolas: No! Of course not!

Stella: You are a God damn embarrassment! I'm not spending another moment looking at your pathetic, imp-sucking face!

''[Stella storms out of the room, shouting angrily the entire time, and smashing more potted plants. Stolas sighs in exhausted exasperation before he notices his daughter has entered the kitchen.]''

Stolas: Good mooorning, Octavia! Did you sleep well, my owlet?

Octavia: Was that a serious question?

[Stolas opens the refrigerator to retrieve a massive chunk of zebra meat.]

Stolas: Mm-hmm... What's that you're listening to?

Octavia: This song is called "My World is Burning Down Around Me." It's by Fuck You Dad. It's a band.

Stolas [bemusedly]: Oh! How charming...

''[Stolas feeds the zebra meat to a massive potted plant situated in a small alcove off the kitchen as he pets it. Sated, it falls dormant, closing its three eyes.]''

Octavia: So, you two done screaming for the day?

Stolas: Um...

[Stella lets out another scream of anger and an object is heard shattering in the distance.]

Stolas: You know what I haven't done in a long, long time? I haven't taken you to your favorite place in all of Hell! Why don't we go to Loo Loo Land?

Octavia: I'm not five anymore.

Stolas: You always were so happy when I took you to Loo-Loo Land! What do you say we go there again, have a day, just the two of us!

Octavia: I'd rather kill myself.

Stolas: There we go! Anything but staying in this house. Now, I'll arrange our security.

[Stolas picks up a phone carried on a platter by his now bruised and battered servant.]

Octavia: Security for a theme park?

Stolas: We are rich, and we're hot. People want our money and our bodies!

Octavia [under her breath]: Our money, maybe.

Stolas: Speak for yourself, Princess. Now, I'm calling the only man who can [bleep] me!

Octavia [disgusted]: What...?

Stolas [hurriedly backpedaling]: Who can protect me. Us. Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.

''[Octavia groans and pulls her hat down over her eyes. Cut to I.M.P Headquarters, where Blitzo is busy doing important work in his office, involving crude representations of Millie and Moxxie made out of office supplies that he puppets around and speaks with.]''

Blitzo [impersonating Millie]: "Oh, Blitzo, you're such a good boss!" [Impersonating Moxxie] "Yeah, I really want you, sir." [Impersonating Millie] "Me too!" [As himself] Let's three-way!

[Blitzo lowers his "employees" below his desk to crotch level, before being interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone.]

Blitzo [angrily]: WHAT?!

Stolas [lustfully]: Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy.

[Both Blitzo and Octavia spit out their coffee in sheer surprise.]

Blitzo: What--

Octavia: The--

Blitzo: Fuck--

Octavia: Dad!?

Stolas: Language! Everyone! [Into the phone.] I have a special request.

Blitzo: Aw-- look, I just had a chemical peel, so you'll have to find someone else's face to plant that feathered ass!

Stolas: It's for my daughter.

Blitzo: Ah, well make sure she washes it.

Stolas: [taken aback]: Oh! No! Nonono! I'm taking my daughter to Loo-Loo Land and I was hoping you brave little imps would accompany us.

Blitzo: We're assassins, not bodyguards, okay? Don't invite us to shit unless someone's gonna die.

Stolas: I'll pay you.

Blitzo: Pay me what?

Stolas: Money~.

Blitzo: DONE!

''[Blitzo hangs up and accidently smashes his phone down on the desk hard enough to shatter it. After a brief annoyed glance at it, he produces a megaphone.]]''

Blitzo: M n' M, get in here! We're goin' to Loo-Loo Land!

''[Moxxie opens the door to respond, while his wife excitedly smashes straight through the office door's glass.]]

Moxxie: Loo-Loo Land?

Millie [excitedly]: Loo-Loo-Land!

Blitzo: LOO LOO LAND~!

Loona [offscreen]: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

''[Cut to Loo-Loo Land. A van with an I.M.P decal spray painted on the side pulls into the rather empty parking lot. Moxxie exits the van and opens the side door. A very cramped Stolas extracts himself excitedly. His daughter exits the van far less excitedly. Stolas dons an apple-themed hat and gestures toward the park gate. Octavia groans and pulls her hat low over her face.]''

Blitzo: Now remember: this is work and work only. Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs, alright?

Octavia [disgustedly]: Hey, Dad, do we have t--

Blitzo: Okay yeah, hold on right there sweetie. [Turns to Stolas.] If you try fuckin' my little ass in that park, I swear to--

Stolas: You are so cute when you are serious!

Octavia: I'm literally going to be sick.

Moxxie: Oh crumbs! I knew today would be a lot; what do you need?

[Moxie fishes around in a fanny pack and retrieves several pill bottles as he lists off his inventory.]

Moxxie: Antacids? Ibuprofen? Morphine?

[Moxxie shows Octavia several hypodermic needles of a glowing, acid green substance.]

Octavia: That was figurative, old man.

Moxxie: Oh, right.

[Moxxie chuckles sheepishly as he discards the needles into a nearby baby carriage, where a baby imp happily reaches out to play with his dangerous new "toys."]

Moxxie: But she said it was "literally."

Millie [excitedly]: Wooooow! I haven't been to this place since I was a tot!

[A large letter falls off the sign to a nearby ride, crushing the teenaged imp underneath.]

Millie: It hasn't changed a bit! Oh! LOOK! It's Big Lovely!

[Millie gestures toward a hideously malformed animatronic dinosaur, which opens its mouse and lets out a terrifying, demonic roar.]

Moxxie: That is... deeply upsetting.

Millie: Oh come on! It's fun! You've never been here?

Moxxie: No. Theme parks always disturbed me. Especially the mascots.

[The park's mascot, Loo Loo appears out of nowhere behind Moxxie.]]

Loo Loo: Well hEY there!

Moxxie: Aaah!

Loo Loo: I'm Loo Loo! Welcome to Loo Loo Land! If y'all get hurt here, just try and sue us!

Stolas: Look! Via! It's Loo Loo!

Octavia: I have a question.

Loo Loo: Well ask away, little girlie! A-hyuk a-hyuk a-hyuk!

Octavia: Is it true this park is just a really shameless spin-off of Lucifer's far more popular Lu Lu World?

Loo Loo: ...No?

Octavia: This place reeks of insecure corporate shame.

[Stolas chuckles in slight embarrassment.]

Stolas: Why don't we go check out the rides?

Loo Loo: That chick's creepy, huh?

Blitzo: Ah, wait till her dad tries to diddle your holes.

Loo Loo: What's that mean?

Moxxie: Don't talk to me! I know you're a pervert under there!

''[Moxxie leaves, leading Millie off with him. Loo Loo hangs his body dejectedly.]''

Loo Loo: Yeah...

[Moxxie and Millie head down a pathway, and Moxxie, sweating profusely, stops to catch his composure.]

Moxxie: You really like this place, huh?

Millie: I love this place! My parents would bring me and the siblings here, when they could swing it. Money-wise.

''[Moxxie looks over to see a worker wheeling a wheelbarrow piled to the brim with money into a nearby giftshop. The two approach the window, where novelty cups and stuffed apples are for sale. The cups appear to cost at least 29 souls per.]''

Moxxie: Yeah, the prices do seem rather criminal. I mean, that much for a novelty cup you use one time?

Millie: 'Cause it's Loo Loo Land!

[Blitzo walks up, having loaded up on merch, including a novelty cup, as well as a hat with attached can holders and straws.]

Blitzo: Listen to your ho, Mox. How 'bout I talk the first watch while you two... [winks.] have a little fun.

Millie: Oh! We gotta do my favorite ride!

Moxxie: Oh yeah? Whi- which one?

''[Cut to a shot of a lone imp riding a roller coaster named "The Lawsuit" that suddenly plunges off a sheer 90-degree drop at incredible speed, while on fire, with its rider hanging on for dear life. The coaster plunges into a tunnel in the ground.]''

Moxxie: Oh crumbs!

''[Cut to Moxxie vomiting into a trash can after having left the ride. A vomit-covered family walks by in the background, glaring disapprovingly at Moxxie. A massive dragon-like creature from the nearby petting zoo looms overhead, also glaring at Moxxie. In another part of the park, Stolas and Octavio walk along the path, as Blitzo takes up positions all around them with his rifle, on the lookout for any danger. A group of imps creep up behind the booths, ropes, knives, and pitchforks at the ready. They quickly scatter as Blitzo looks in their direction.]''

Stolas: You know, it's quite thrilling to see you on the job, Blitzy.

Blitzo: Save it, bitch. I'm working.

Octavia: You both need to get a room.

Blitzo: Hey, I am not a day-hooker!

[A woman walking nearby with her baby glares at Blitzo before continuing on in a huff.]

Blitzo: What? I just said I'm not one, prude!

Stolas [gasps]: Look, Via! You used to cry such tears of joy at this show!

Octavia [panicked]: Oh no...

''[Cut to flashback to Octavia as a young girl, as she is crushed against the stage by an excited crowd of imp children, as Robo Fizz sparks and cackles maniacally leering over Octavia, who soon breaks into tears. A younger Blitzo is seen in the background tending to a food cart, dressed and painted as a clown, scowling. Cut back to the present.]''

Blitzo: I hate that fucking clown.

Octavia [same time as above]: I hate that fucking clown.

''[Pan to Stolas, who has been captured and hoised aloft by the crew of imps from earlier. Stolas's arms are bound and his head is covered by a cloth sack, and the imps are pointing various weapons at him. One has stolen Stolas's wallet.]''

Stolas [unconcerned]: Oh Blitzy! I need my bodyguard, please!

''[One imp jumps, to try and skewer Stolas with a pitchfork. Blitzo quickly brings his rifle to bear, shooting the imp in the torso, splattering Stolas's head with blood. The other imps quickly scatter. Octavia enters the big top and finds a seat. Blitzo carries Stolas in, head still covered in the blood-soaked sack, sets him down, and walks off to take position. Stolas makes no move to remove the sack, until Octavia annoyedly rips it off her father's head.]''

Robo Fizz: Hey hey hey hey hey, implings! It's me, Fizzarolli! Shipped from Mammon's factory to bring you a wonderful show celebrating Loo Loo Land (spelled with 'O's, to avoid lawsuits!) Hit it!

♫ Loo Loo Land, Loo Loo Land! ♫ ♫ Everybody sing along with the Loo Loo band ♫ ♫ Ev'ry boy, ev'ry girl, ev'ry woman, ev'ry man ♫ ♫ Loves Loo Loo Land! ♫

♫ Loo Loo Land, Loo Loo Land! ♫ ♫ Everything is beautiful in Loo Loo Land ♫ ♫ Ugly children holdin' hands ♫ ♫ In Loo Loo Land! ♫

♫ Everybody's friendly, and nobody is mean ♫ ♫ No copyright infringement's ever seen ♫ ♫ I have a dream (he has a dream) ♫ ♫ I'm here to tell (he's here to tell} ♫ ♫ About a magical fantastic place called Loo Loo Land! ♫

''[Octavia is sitting and absorbing the musical with disgusted boredom. Outside, Moxxie and Millie walk along a row of game booths, when they are addressed by one of the vendors.]''

Carnie: Hello, hello! Step right up and win a thing!

Millie [gasps excitedly]: Oh, look Moxxie! A thing!

''[The "thing" in question is some sort of purple stuffed penguin creature with imp horns, wearing pink overalls. The stuffed animal is labeled with a tag that says "THING?"]''

Moxxie: Oh, you like that thing?

Millie: YEEEEESSS! I don't really know what that thing is but I want that thing!

Moxxie [smugly]: Finally, something I can handle.

[Moxxie takes out some money and hands it to the carnie.]

Moxxie: Okay! One game, please!

''[The carnie rolls his eyes and uses his tail to hand Moxxie a pistol with a cork projectile in the muzzle. Moxxie does not even line up the shot, instead looking to his wife as he effortlessly hits the target right in the bullseye. Unbeknownst to Moxxie, the target barely moves. He makes a "ricochet" noise with his mouth and blows the black powder smoke clear of the gun, pleased with his marksmanship.]''

Carnie: Strike one, little man!

Moxxie: But I hit it!

Carnie: Hmmm, I don't know what to tell ya, buddy. The target, see? It didn't go down. So yeah, no go, bro.

''[Moxxie growls in anger, and fishes another bill out of his pocket. He grabs the pistol and fires another cork, hitting the target dead-center. The target does not budge. Moxxie slaps the pistol in annoyance.]''

Moxxie: The Heaven's wrong with this thing?!

Carnie: Oh man, a real shame I tell ya. Whaa, whaa!

[Moxxie hisses in anger as he slaps another bill on the counter.]

Moxxie: Another!

''[Cut back to the Fizzarolli show. Stolas is gleefully clapping to the music, while Octavia has thrown her head back in torment, banging her fist on the seat next to her.]''

Robo Fizz: ♫ --sing along with the Loo Loo band! Ev'ry boy, ev'ry girl, ev'ry woman, ev'ry man loves Loo Loo Land! ♫

''[The sho ends with a small pyrotechnic display, as one of the animatronics falls to pieces onstage. Stolas claps and cheers even harder.]''

Stolas: Oh hohohoho, how delightful!

[Behind Stolas, an imp armed with a keris rises from beneath the seats ready to stab Stolas, but his head is quickly blown apart by Blitzo, who has taken up a position in the gallery behind the back row of seats.]

Stolas: Oh! My, what aim you have, Blitzy!

Octavia: Ugh! I can't do this anymore!

Stolas [concerned]: Octavia!

[Octavia runs off, with Stolas following behind as Blitzo cycles his rifle, and prepares to give chase after his charges.]

Robo Fizz: Ha ha ha hoho-- oh! Is that Blitzo [pronounced as spelled] my sensors spot up there? I bet the kiddies are still running away from you, huh?

Blitzo: The 'O' is silent now!

Robo Fizz: Uh huh! Just like your audience always was when you to-told your lazy jokes here!

Blitzo: Bitch I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap-ass robo-ripoff of an overrated sell-out jester!

Robo Fizz: Oohoohoo! Someone's salty! Real or not though, people love me! Does anyone love you, BLITZO?

Blitzo: No, but I'm really good with guns now. Dance, bitch!

''[Blitzo slams a new magazine into his rifle, switches it to full-auto and opens up on Robo Fizz, who cartwheels out of the way of the incoming rounds. Robo Fizz rapidly spins like a wheel rolling up the stair to where Blitzo is. He coils himself around Blitzo like a snake, before using his own momentum to launch Blitzo through the top of the tent.]''

Blitzo: Fuck meeeee...!

[Outside, an imp with a stereotypical southern accent and dress rolls a cart of lit torches in by the tent.]

Torch Salesman: Torches, I say, I say! Get your inconvenient torches here!

''[Blitzo lands on the cart, scattering the torches everywhere, which light the big top on fire. The fire very rapidly spreads to all corners of the park. Rapidly burning and melting animatronics flee the tent, as Robo Fizz cackles with demonic glee at the destruction. Elsewhere, the carnie at the shooting gallery holds 600 souls of Moxxie's money.]''

Carnie: Wow! Man, you're really starting to make this sad. You know, if you suck, you suck! Guess you won't win your honey here a prize.

Millie: Let me try!

''[Millie grabs the pistol and fires a cork at a target, which misses wildly. The carnie grins mischievously, and presses a foot pedal in the booth, which causes a target to fall down.]''

Carnie: Ooh, look at that! Lucky shot, baby.

Moxxie: Are you kidding me?! You- you- you charlatan!

Carnie: Hey uh, get lost, pipsqueak. I'm talkin' to the lady.

''[The carnie leans toward Millie and makes a purring sound with his tongue at her. Millie immediately recoils in disgust. In the background, Blitzo and Robo Fizz continue to do battle against each other as the fires spread. Blitzo is launched into the air, and comes down through the roof of the shooting gallery, crushing the carnie under him.]''

Moxxie [surprised]: Sir?