Alastor/Quotes

This is a transcribed copy of iconic quotes by Alastor. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the respective episodes.

Hazbin Hotel pilot
"He-llo!"

- Alastor, to Charlie, when she shuts and reopens the door to him

"Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco on the picture show and I just couldn't resist. What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929, hahaha.... So many orphans."

- Alastor, regarding Charlie's performance

"Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here, (voice becomes distorted) I would have done so already."

- Alastor, to Vaggie

"Of course not! That's wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! No, no, no, no. I don't think there's anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! The chance given was the life they lived before, the punishment is this! There is no undoing what is done!"

- Alastor to Charlie, about redeeming the sinners

"Why does anyone do anything? Sheer, absolute boredom!"

- Alastor, to Charlie and Vaggie

"Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself! I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip, and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure."

- Alastor, explaining why he wants to help

"It's the purest kind, my dear. Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage, and a stage is a world of entertainment."

- Alastor, about Charlie's fight with Killjoy

"So it’s a deal then?"

- Alastor, attempting to make a deal with Charlie

"Smile, my dear! You know, you're never fully dressed without one!"

- Alastor, after seeing Vaggie frown

"Hah! No!"

- Alastor, denying Angel's offer of a blowjob "Maybe!"

- Alastor, to Husk asking if he was "Some kind of fucking clown." "Do I know you?"

- Alastor, to Sir Pentious

"Well, I'm starved! Who wants some Jambalaya?"

- Alastor, after defeating Sir Pentious

"Now... stay tuned."

- Alastor's last line in the Pilot

A Day in the Afterlife
"Here you go, you filthy scavengers, enjoy!"

- Alastor, feeding the carnivorous birds deviled eggs

"Show off. All hat and no cattle!"

- Alastor, when Vox appears in the television screens

"Obnoxious...pompous......piece of shit...television."

- Alastor, walking away from the TV's with Vox's face on them

Overture
"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded 5 days ago by Lucifer's delusional daughter, Charlotte Morningstar! Come place your fate in her inexperienced hands, as she tries to work through her daddy issues by fixing you!"

- Alastor, in the Hazbin Hotel commercial "Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time, and everyone remembers me from my radio show! The PROPER medium to express oneself. But you insisted on this! Noisy picture box advertisement. So, I had a little fun with it."

- Alastor, explaining the commercial to Charlie and Vaggie "For the entertainment! I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful, and fail spectacularly. Like you are doing now! Good job!"

- Alastor, explaining to Vaggie why he is at the hotel "I wouldn't try that, my dear. This face was made for radio!"

- Alastor, to Vaggie, when she tries to film him with a video camera

"Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again. Or Charlie can come back to absolutely nothing. Your choice."

- Alastor, to Vaggie

Radio Killed the Video Star
"Huh, well if all that's true, you'd think I'd have heard of you."

- Alastor, to Sir Pentious

"Well, you must have been really bad at this."

- Alastor, to Sir Pentious

"Oh, nobody important."

- Alastor, to Niffty, about the Vees

"Thanks for another forgettable experience!"

- Alastor, after defeating Sir Pentious

"Of course. Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already. What would the papers say?"

- Alastor, about the Hazbin Hotel

"Salutations! Good to be back on the air."

- Alastor, making a reappearance at his radio station in "Stayed Gone"

"♪ Let's begin... I'm gonna make you wish that I'd stay gone. Tune on in When I'm done, your status quo will know its race is run Oh, this will be fun! ♪"

- Alastor, to Vox

"You'll have to try harder than that next time, ol' pal."

- Alastor, to Vox

Scrambled Eggs
"Do you mind? I'm in the middle of breakfast."

- Alastor, to Vaggie "Follow in silence if you value your shell."

- Alastor, threatening the Egg Boiz "Oh, I just took a well-earned sabbatical, nothing serious. Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes!"

- Alastor, when Zestial asked him where he had been "Oh, tasty!"

- Alastor, upon seeing an Exorcist's head "Let's keep this between us, shall we?"

- Alastor, threatening one of the Egg Boiz

Dad Beat Dad
"Ha HA! Fuck you."

- Alastor, to Lucifer

"If you ever say that again, I will tear your soul apart and broadcast your screams for every other disrespectful wretch who dares to question me."

- Alastor, to Husk

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