Spring Broken/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of Spring Broken. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

(The scene starts with Blitzo and the crew driving their gray van along the street.)

Blitzo: I love this song!

(Blitzo sings loudly to the rock music. Moxxie covers his ears in the back while Millie rolls down her window and smiles. They drive into an old crowded parking lot. A pink car pulls into the remaining parking space.)

Blitzo: Holy shit!

(Blitzo slams onto the brakes and the van skids to a stop. Blitzo turns off the radio and glares at the person in the pink car. He glances at the license plate)

Blitzo: Oh you “suck for life”, do ya?!

(Blitzo pulls out a megaphone and yells into it)

Blitzo: Hop out, you unoriginal pink cum dump! You have three goddamn seconds to get your dick out of my parking spot…

(Verosika steps out of her car with high heels. Blitzo lowers the megaphone)

Blitzo: Oh shit! Verosika?

(Verosika blows a bubble of pink gum before it pops)

Verosika: Blitzo. (Pronounces the o).

Blitzo: I should have known you’d be here. I could smell fish for miles. Which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is…

(Blitzo falls and face-plants onto the ground before standing up)

Blitzo: Three rings down! (Ring of Envy)

Verosika: And I should have known you’d be here when I heard the Amber Alerts.

Blitzo: Oh yeah? I’m surprised they let your fat ass out of rehab. I can see you’re still a drunken whore, clutching onto that bielsa juice bottle like it’s the last cock in Hell.

(Verosika flips her long hair back dramatically)

Verosika: They let me out because I’m still famous, and rehab is for sad, loser wash-ups.

(Verosika takes a drink from her bottle and wipes her mouth with her thumb.)

Verosika: So your sister says hi.

(Blitzo angrily steps in front of Verosika.)

Blitzo: Why are you parking here? This is the only parking spot my company has. So take your tampon race car somewhere else.

Verosika: Actually prick, it has my name on it.

(Verosika points down to her name written in purple spray paint by their feet. I.M.P. is crossed out on the ground.)

Verosika: I’m doing a bit of freelance for one of the infinitely more successful companies in the building.

(Loona watches from the van)

Loona: No way.

Verosika: And they wanted to have me come in this week to lead their team during spring break.

Blitzo: A week?! No, no, you are not parking here for a fucking week!

(Verosika removes her sunglasses)

Verosika: Aw, you mad, Blitzo? You gonna run off, leaving someone else to pay for the hotel room, steal their car…

Both: …and run three rings to Wrath and back and max my credit cards on shitty horse riding lessons?!

Blitzo: God dammit whore, you will not let that go!

Verosika: Choke on a sandpaper cock.

(Verosika flips him the bird andwalks away while Loona fearfully lowers her head in the van.)

(Blitzo follows Verosika)

Blitzo: Hold on, you better move that pussy wagon right now or I’m gonna…

(A towering muscular Hellhound man appears behind Blitzo and growls)

Hellhound: You’ll what?

(Blitzo glances around and stutters in fear)

Blitzo: Or I’ll…um…I’ll call HR.

(Verosika, Blitzo and the Hellhound laugh)

Verosika: Anyway, meet my new Hellhound, Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well.

(Verosika leaves with her bodyguard. She flips Blitzo off)

Verosika: Tata, fuck stain.

Blitzo: Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that.

(Loona steps out of the van)

Loona: You know Verosika Mayday?!

Blitzo: Huh. Oh yeah, her, yeah, we dated.

Millie: Was it before or after she became a pop star?

(Moxxie steps out of the van)

Moxxie: You dated a popstar?!

Blitzo: Okay, why are you all acting like that’s such a shock?

Loona: Hello. It’s Verosika Mayday?

Millie: It’s you?

(Moxxie scratches his head)

Moxxie: I just…Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?

Blitzo: Okay look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don’t pry into your stupid personal lives.

Loona, Moxxie and Millie (overlapping): You do that all the time, sir!

(Millie grins mischievously, eyelids lowering)

Millie: What was sex with her like?

(Moxxie looks taken aback)

Moxxie: Millie!

Millie: What?! It’s a pop star! You’d wanna to know what sex with Michael Crawford was like.

Moxxie: Touché.

Blitzo: Okay look, let’s just drop it! Millie, find a temporary spot for that truck. Okay Loony, Moxxie, let’s go handle this shit.

(Blitzo tosses Millie some keys and she gleefully catches them before running off.)

(The scene cuts to Loona, Moxxie and Blitzo stepping out of an elevator. Loona walks nervously forward.)

Loona: Fuck! I did my makeup shitty today.

(Blitzo smiles at her with shining eyes).

Blitzo: Oh you look perfect, Loony. Like always.

(Loona narrows her eyes and scowls.)

Loona: Oh shut up da...urgh!

(Blitzo looks at her with adoration on his face. Loona catches herself and shoves Blitzo aside.)

Loona: …Blitzo!

(Loona checks her face in a hand-held mirror before accidentally bumping into Vortex. She looks up in embarrassment)

Loona: Oh. Whoa.

(Vortex glances down at Loona. Loona blushes and wags her tail. Blitzo smiles at Loona before he gasps in shock. He moves between Loona and the Hellhound, his arms out.)

Blitzo: Hey, big man. Where’s your bitch bag of an employer?

Vortex: She’s in her office. There wasn’t room on the sucking floor so they rented one here on this one. It’s way cheaper.

(Vortex mentions to a nearby room with neon pink hearts over double doors. “V” and “M” are spray-painted on the door windows.)

Blitzo: Oh come on!

Vortex (scoffs): Sorry, man.

(Vortex walks away)

Blitzo (mutters): Oh no you don’t, bitch.

Moxxie: Sir, how about you let me go in and try to reason with her. I don’t really listen to what’s classified as “pop genre” music, so her status to me is…

(Blitzo tunes Moxxie out with a glare)

Blitzo: Moxxie, shut the fuck up.

Moxxie: All righty then.

(Moxxie pushes open the doors and goes inside. The silhouettes of Moxxie, Verosika and her gang of demons are seen through the glass window)

Moxxie: Hello Miss Verosika, was it? I work for Imp and it is actually rather important for us to retain the singular parking space we were assigned because…

Apple: *(points to Moxxie)* Aw look at the little one. He’s got a wittle bow tie.

Moxxie: Please don’t condescend me, ma’am.

Josh: Wanna kiss, you little guy?

Moxxie: A...kind offer, but… I’m married.

(The gang of demons surround Moxxie)

Verosika: Hey, why don’t you send a little message form me back to your limp-dick boss?

(The demon silhouettes bare their fangs over Moxxie)

Moxxie: (screams) Don’t touch that!

(Blitzo races and presses his hands against the window)

Blitzo: Moxxie, do not let her access any of your holes!

(Moxxie races back into the hall, panting with his back against the door. He walks past them, battered and shaken with red lipstick kisses all over his face).

Moxxie: (stuttering and shaken) I…I gotta go lie down…now.

Blitzo: Oh this won’t stand!

(Blitzo shoves both doors open, causing Verosika and her gang to notice.)

Blitzo: All right (censored)! That’s it!

(Blitzo stomps toward Verosika)

Blitzo: If you’re gonna be shitty to my employees, then I challenge you to a fucking…challenge! Fuck I said that twice.

Kat: Is this imp boy starting a demon duel?

Verosika: (Chuckles) I think he is.

(Verosika leans in toward Blitzo)

Verosika: What’s the game then, Blitzo?

Blitzo: Every year, you STD spreaders go up topside for easy pickings while spring break is a prime time for crime of all kinds. So I bet…you succu-bitches can’t fuck as many people as we can off by the end of the day.

(The Succubi and incubi laugh. Blitzo glares in determination. They stop laughing.)

Verosika: Oh, you’re serious?

(She leans in close to Blitzo’s face, speaking in a low whsiper).

Verosika: Game on, bitch.

(Later at I.M.P. headquarters, Blitzo stands in front of the whiteboard. Behind him is an easel with drawings on papers. The other I.M.P members sit at a table and listen.)

Blitzo: Alright, shut your assholes, here’s how we’re going to do this shit. First, we find a fuck ton of clients.

(The animated drawings on the paper show Blitzo, Loona, Millie and Moxxie standing together. A bunch of imps and clients surround them with bags of money)

Blitzo: We portal up.

(Blitzo drawing snaps his fingers. The I.M.P. figures fall down.)

Blitzo: We have our fun murder time as per usual.

(The I.M.P. drawings kill off human drawings with guns).

Blitzo: We pile all the bodies into a big fucking canoe.

(The human bodies are tossed into a canoe that reads S.S. Cum Gutter)

Blitzo: We push said canoe into some water. We light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles and maybe a goose, too. Fuck it.

(Animated drawings of sharks, snakes, eagles and creatures eat the bodies set on fire in the canoe. A large octopus chomps the entire ship and the animals)

Blitzo: They come and eat the bodies, we win the bet…

(The I.M.P drawings cheer and the Loona figure wears a party hat.)

Blitzo: We rub it in that sloppy bitch’s drunken whore ass face.

(The I.M.P. members give a Verosika drawing several middle fingers. The Verosika drawing bursts into tears. The scene cuts back to the meeting)

Blitzo: Do you have any questions?

Moxxie: Uh, yeah. Why was that nonsense?

(Blitzo walks over to Moxxie)

Blitzo: That wasn’t a question.

Moxxie: That wasn’t a plan.

(Blitzo puts a hand around Moxxie)

Blitzo: I’m sorry, but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do, Mox. It’s not my fault you’ve got a smooth little brain upstairs.

Moxxie: A what now?

Blitzo: I’m calling you slow, Moxxie. God, why don’t you learn to take criticism, you talentless baby dick troll?

(Blitzo points several times into Moxxie’s chest. In anger, Moxxie stands up on the table and points at Blitzo.)

Moxxie: Well why don’t you take an art class?

(Blitzo grabs Moxxie and throws him back on his chair.)

Blitzo: Why don’t you see how expensive they are?!

Loona: Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?

(Blitzo crosses his arms in disapproval)

Blitzo: Absolutely not. I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who drool all over you.

(All four characters stare at the camera, breaking the fourth wall.)

Loona: Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough. Just let me tag along.

Blitzo: Wait, say that again.

Loona: I can blend in?

Millie: You have a human disguise?

Loona: Yeah. Don’t you?

(The imps nervously look at each other, eyes side to side)

Loona: You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time without human disguises?!

Blitzo: Okay, new plan!

(Blitzo scribbles on a piece of paper and hangs it on the easel. It shows Loona surrounded by humans with hears around them.)

Blitzo: Loony can help lure the humans to us and we’ll take care of the rest. Okay how about that?

Millie: Flawless logic.

Moxxie: I think you’re missing the biggest issue, sir. Isn’t it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren’t just going up to massacre.

Blitzo: I got that covered, Mox.

(Later, Blitzo puts up a ratty flyer reading “Spring Break Victim, 50% Off!” with drawings of Blitzo, a dead victim and horses. Blitzo walks to Moxxie)

Blitzo: Now, we wait.

Moxxie: Sir, there is no way we are going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one poorly spelled bad grammar flyer!

(Moxxie and Blitzo look to see demons lining up, looking at the flyer. Blitzo grins smugly and elbows Moxxie. Blitzo strolls toward the other demons)

Blitzo: Now, who’s first?