Welcome to Heaven (episode)/Transcript

Charlie: ok, I have my warm weather clothes, my cold weather clothes, I have a light jacket, flak jacket and rain jacket- wait, does it rain in heaven?

Vaggie: Charlie, you’re only going to heaven for a few hours.

Charlie: Vaggie, we are only going to heaven for a day, I just want to be prepared! It’s our last chance to convince heaven a soul can be redeemed.

Vaggie: yeah, I wish I could come sweetie but I have that…thing.

Charlie: what thing?

Vaggie: the thing with the.. uhm.. fuck, gah, I’m such a bad liar.

Charie: Vaggie, you’re my partner, I need you there with me.

Vaggie: *sighs* fine.

Charlie: Yes!

Angel: oh, fuck.

Niffty: you look messy! What happened to you?

Angel: it’s who happened to me, And the answer is everyone! Twice. Val had me working 16 hours straight on a fucking whim. The absoloute dickbag.

[wall explodes]

Angel: argh! What the fuck is with that wall?!

Cherri: what up hoes? *laughs*

Angel: holy shit! Cherri bomb? Long time no see baby!

Charri: Angie, ya bitch! You been texting me depressing shit all day! Figured we could tear shit up like old times. It’s been fucking forever!

[Cherri gives the bomb to charlie]

Cherri: here, hold this.

Charlie: Ah! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Vaggie: nope, gimme that.

Angel: I love to see ya Cherri but I’m too tired, I need to pass out.

Cherri: you can sleep when you’re double dead, fuckhead! Come on, what you really need is a recharge! A reinvigoration, a re—

Charlie: Responsible night on the town! That is a great idea! Hi! I’m Charlie! That’s my wall that you just blew up. It’s no nice to meet one of angel’s friends! Agh! He never brings anyone around.

Cherri: tsh, wonder why.

Charlie: yeah, me too. Anyway, Angel and everyone else have been working so hard, I think they deserve to have a little fun.

Cherri: wait wait wait, they?

Charie: yeah! Hi, everyone! Angel and his friend are taking you all out for a fun night of relaxation!

Cherri: wait, I’m only here for Ange—

[charlie hands Cherri bomb a stack of money]

cherri: oh! Never mind, Lets go!

Charlie: make sure they have the best time tonight! Anyway, the portal to heaven should be opening right about…

[portal to heaven opens]

Charlie: Now! Bye!!

[charlie and Vaggie enter the portal as sir pentious walks by, spots Cherri bomb and spits out his drink in shock]

Pentious: well! If it isn’t my arch-nemesis! Have you come to meet your fate in battle, Cherri bomb?

Cherri: apparently, I’m going out with Angel and I gotta drag your sorry asses along.

Pentious: oh, oh, so you and I are going out for fun? I… I didn’t think this would ever happen. *panicked* What do I do? What do I wear??

Cherri: don’t fucking touch me ya munted dickhead.

[in heaven]

Charlie: Vaggie, look at this place! It’s so clean! Isn’t this amazing?

Vaggie: *sarcastically* yup, super cool. Heaven. Wow.

St. Peter: hiya! Welcome to heaven! Can I get your name please?

Charlie: oh! Uhm, uh, Charlie Morningstar!

St. Peter: Charlie Morningstar, hmm, *mumbling names from list* I’m not seeing you on my list here, that’s so odd.

Charlie: uh, uhm, my dad got me this meeting so maybe try lucifer Morningstar?

St. Peter: oh fuck! *nervously* Yeah, hoooo, hehe. Yikes, am I right? Are you sure you’re in the right place? Because I think you might be a little lost.

Vaggie: oh, here we go.

Charlie: no, uh… we’re here for a meeting.

This is a transcribed copy of "Welcome to Heaven". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.