Loo Loo Land (episode)/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Loo-Loo Land". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[The episode opens to a shot of the exterior of Stolas's estate at night, before cutting to the master bedroom where Stolas and Stella are asleep. Octavia's frightened voice can be heard from offscreen.]''

Octavia [offscreen]: Mummy! Daddy!

[Stolas is roused from his sleep.]

Stolas: Via's calling us, Stella.

Stella: [sighs] You get up.

[Stolas sighs and gets out of bed, and enters Octavia's room, where she is hiding beneath her blankets.]

Stolas: Dear? What troubles you, my owlet?

Octavia [sobbing]: Daddy! Daddy! I had a dream! A really bad dream!

Stolas: A nightmare.

Octavia: I was looking all over the palace, and I couldn't find you anywhere! You weren't there!

[Stolas summons his Grimoire to him telekinetically, and flips it open.]

Stolas: There there, Via, it's okay; you're okay. When you're scared and you don't know where I am, you must remember: no matter what happens to me, I will never be far away from my special little Starfire.

♫ It always seems more quiet in the dark ♫ ♫ It always feels so stark ♫ ♫ How silence grows under the moon ♫ ♫ Constellations gone so soon ♫ ♫ I used to think that I was bold ♫ ♫ I used to think love would be fun ♫ ♫ Now all my stories have been told except for one... ♫

♫ As the stars start to align ♫ ♫ I hope you take it as a sign ♫ ♫ That you'll be okay. Everything will be okay ♫ ♫ And if the Seven Rings collapse ♫ ♫ Although the day could be my last ♫ ♫ You will be okay. When I'm gone you'll be okay... ♫

♫ And when Creation goes to die ♫ ♫ You can find me in the sky ♫ ♫ Upon the last day ♫ ♫ And you will be okay... ♫

''[His lullaby finished, Stolas leaves as his daughter settles to sleep, content. Cut to several years later, where she is jolted awake by smashing objects and screaming, far less content.]''

Stella [offscreen]: I can't believe you slept with an imp, IN OUR FUCKING BED!

Stolas [offscreen]: It was unexpected! I didn't have time to go to a motel!

Stella [offscreen]: A motel?! Like a fucking plebian?!

''[Octavia grabs her phone, and puts in earbuds, starting a pop song as she strides down the halls of the estate, stepping over the smashed remains of a plant thrown in her path. In the kitchen, Stella continues screaming at Stolas.]''

Stella: You want to fuck this one, too?!

[Stella grabs an imp servant and violently tosses him in Stolas's direction.]

Stolas: No! Of course not!

Stella: You are a God damn embarrassment! I'm not spending another moment looking at your pathetic, imp-sucking face!

''[Stella storms out of the room, shouting angrily the entire time, and smashing more potted plants. Stolas sighs in exhausted exasperation before hE notices his daughter has entered the kitchen.]''

Stolas: Good mooorning, Octavia! Did you sleep well, my owlet?

Octavia: Was that a serious question?

[Stolas opens the refrigerator to retrieve a massive chunk of zebra meat.]

Stolas: Mm-hmm... What's that you're listening to?

Octavia: This song is called "My World is Burning Down Around Me." It's by Fuck You Dad. It's a band.

Stolas [bemusedly]: Oh! How charming...

''[Stolas feeds the zebra meat to a massive potted plant situated in a small alcove off the kitchen as he pets it. Sated, it falls dormant, closing its three eyes.]''

Octavia: So you two done screaming for the day?

Stolas: Um...

[Stella lets out another scream of anger and an object is heard shattering in the distance.]

Stolas: You know what I haven't done in a long, long time? I haven't taken you to your favorite place in all of Hell! Why don't we go to Loo-Loo Land?

Octavia: I'm not five anymore.

Stolas: You always were so happy when I took you to Loo-Loo Land! What do you say we go there again, have a day, just the two of us!

Octavia: I'd rather kill myself.

Stolas: There we go! Anything but staying in this house. Now, I'll arrange our security.

[Stolas picks up a phone carried on a platter by his now bruised and battered servant.]

Octavia: Security for a theme park?

Stolas: We are rich, and we're hot. People want our money and our bodies!

Octavia [under her breath]: Our money, maybe.

Stolas: Speak for yourself, Princess. Now, I'm calling the only man who can [bleep] me!

Octavia [disgusted]: What...?

Stolas [hurriedly backpedaling]: Who can protect me. Us. Being part of the Goetia family is rather valuable, you know.

''[Octavia groans and pulls her hat down over her eyes. Cut to I.M.P Headquarters, where Blitzo is busy doing important work in his office, involving crude representations of Millie and Moxxie made out of office supplies that he puppets around and speaks with.]''

Blitzo [impersonating Millie]: "Oh, Blitzo, you're such a good boss!" [Impersonating Moxxie] "Yeah, I really want you, sir." [Impersonating Millie] "Me too!" [As himself] Let's three-way!

[Blitzo lowers his "employees" below his desk to crotch level, before being interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone.]

Blitzo [angrily]: WHAT?!

Stolas [lustfully]: Why hello, my big-dicked Blitzy.

[Both Blitzo and Octavia spit out their coffee in sheer surprise.]

Blitzo: What--

Octavia: The--

Blitzo: Fuck--

Octavia: Dad!?

Stolas: Language! Everyone! [Into the phone.] I have a special request.

Blitzo: Aw-- look, I just had a chemical peel, so you'll have to find someone else's face to plant that feathered ass!

Stolas: It's for my daughter.

Blitzo: Ah, well make sure she washes it.

Stolas: [taken aback]: Oh! No! Nonono! I'm taking my daughter to Loo-Loo Land and I was hoping you brave little imps would accompany us.

Blitzo: We're assassins, not bodyguards, okay? Don't invite us to shit unless someone's gonna die.

Stolas: I'll pay you.

Blitzo: Pay me what?

Stolas: Money~.

Blitzo: DONE!

''[Blitzo hangs up and accidently smashes his phone down on the desk hard enough to shatter it. After a brief annoyed glance at it, he produces a megaphone.]]''

Blitzo: M n' M, get in here! We're goin' to Loo-Loo Land!

''[Moxxie opens the door to respond, while his wife excitedly smashes straight through the office door's glass.]]

Moxxie: Loo-Loo Land?

Millie [excitedly]: Loo-Loo-Land!

Blitzo: Loo-Loo Land!

Loona [offscreen]: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

''[Cut to Loo-Loo Land. A van with an I.M.P decal spray painted on the side pulls into the rather empty parking lot. Moxxie exits the van and opens the side door. A very cramped Stolas extracts himself excitedly. His daughter exits the van far less excitedly. Stolas dons an apple-themed hat and gestures toward the park gate. Octavia groans and pulls her hat low over her face.]''

Blitzo: Now remember: this is work and work only. Me and my crew are not here to satisfy your perverted bird needs, alright?

Octavia [disgustedly]: Hey, Dad, do we have t--

Blitzo: Okay yeah, hold on right there sweetie. [Turns to Stolas.] If you try fuckin' my little ass in that park, I swear to--

Stolas: You are so cute when you are serious!

Octavia: I'm literally going to be sick.

Moxxie: Oh crumbs! I knew today would be a lot; what do you need?

[Moxie fishes around in a fanny pack and retrieves several pill bottles as he lists off his inventory.]

Moxxie: Antacids? Ibuprofen? Morphine?

[Moxxie shows Octavia several hypodermic needles of a glowing, acid green substance.]

Octavia: That was figurative, old man.

Moxxie: Oh, right.

[Moxxie chuckles sheepishly as he discards the needles into a nearby baby carriage, where a baby imp happily reaches out to play with his dangerous new "toys."]

Moxxie: But she said it was literally.

Millie [excitedly]: Wooooow! I haven't been to this place since I was a tot!

[A large letter falls off the sign to a nearby ride, crushing the teenaged imp underneath.]

Millie: It hasn't changed a bit!