Alastor/Quotes

This is a transcribed copy of iconic quotes by Alastor. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the respective episodes.

Hazbin Hotel pilot
"He-llo!"

- Alastor, to Charlie, when she shuts and reopens the door to him

"Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco on the picture show and I just couldn't resist. What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929, hahaha.... So many orphans."

- Alastor, regarding Charlie's performance

"Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here, (voice becomes distorted) I would have done so already."

- Alastor, to Vaggie

"Of course not! That's wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! No, no, no, no. I don't think there's anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! The chance given was the life they lived before, the punishment is this! There is no undoing what is done!"

- Alastor to Charlie, about redeeming the sinners

"Why does anyone do anything? Sheer, absolute boredom!"

- Alastor, to Charlie and Vaggie

"Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself! I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip, and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure."

- Alastor, explaining why he wants to help

"It's the purest kind, my dear. Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage, and a stage is a world of entertainment."

- Alastor, about Charlie's fight with Killjoy

"So it’s a deal then?"

- Alastor, attempting to make a deal with Charlie

"Smile, my dear! You know, you're never fully dressed without one!"

- Alastor, after seeing Vaggie frown

"Hah! No!"

- Alastor, denying Angel's offer of a blowjob "Maybe!"

- Alastor, to Husk asking if he was "Some kind of fucking clown." "Do I know you?"

- Alastor, to Sir Pentious

"Well, I'm starved! Who wants some Jambalaya?"

- Alastor, after defeating Sir Pentious

"Now... stay tuned."

- Alastor's last line in the Pilot

A Day in the Afterlife
"Here you go, you filthy scavengers, enjoy!"

- Alastor, feeding the carnivorous birds deviled eggs

"Show off. All hat and no cattle!"

- Alastor, when Vox appears in the television screens

"Obnoxious...pompous......piece of shit...television."

- Alastor, walking away from the TV's with Vox's face on them

Overture
"Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded 5 days ago by Lucifer's delusional daughter, Charlotte Morningstar! Come place your fate in her inexperienced hands, as she tries to work through her daddy issues by fixing you!"

- Alastor, in the Hazbin Hotel commercial "Well, my dear, I haven't been active in Hell for some time, and everyone remembers me from my radio show! The PROPER medium to express oneself. But you insisted on this! Noisy picture box advertisement. So, I had a little fun with it."

- Alastor, explaining the commercial to Charlie and Vaggie "For the entertainment! I came here because I love seeing wasteful souls struggle to accomplish something meaningful, and fail spectacularly. Like you are doing now! Good job!"

- Alastor, explaining to Vaggie why he is at the hotel "I wouldn't try that, my dear. This face was made for radio!"

- Alastor, to Vaggie, when she tries to film him with a video camera

"Not for your soul, just a simple deal. I do this for you and you never ask me to engage with this frivolous television technology ever again. Or Charlie can come back to absolutely nothing. Your choice."

- Alastor, to Vaggie

Radio Killed the Video Star
"Huh, well if all that's true, you'd think I'd have heard of you."

- Alastor, to Sir Pentious

"Well, you must have been really bad at this."

- Alastor, to Sir Pentious

"Oh, nobody important."

- Alastor, to Niffty, about the Vees

"Thanks for another forgettable experience!"

- Alastor, after defeating Sir Pentious

"Of course. Can't let my new project fall into disrepair already. What would the papers say?"

- Alastor, about the Hazbin Hotel

"Salutations! Good to be back on the air."

- Alastor, making a reappearance at his radio station in "Stayed Gone"

"♪ Let's begin... I'm gonna make you wish that I'd stay gone. Tune on in When I'm done, your status quo will know its race is run Oh, this will be fun! ♪"

- Alastor, to Vox

"You'll have to try harder than that next time, ol' pal."

- Alastor, to Vox

Scrambled Eggs
"Do you mind? I'm in the middle of breakfast."

- Alastor, to Vaggie

"Oh, well, in that case, I'd be delighted to!"

- Alastor, when Vaggie asks him to 'dispose' of Sir Pentious' Egg Boiz "Hm. Well. That's a lot less FUN...but, I suppose I could take care of them on my outing today."

- Alastor, when Vaggie says to dispose of the Egg Boiz humanely "Follow in silence if you value your shell."

- Alastor, threatening the Egg Boiz "Oh, I just took a well-earned sabbatical, nothing serious. Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes!"

- Alastor, when Zestial asked him where he had been "Oh, tasty!"

- Alastor, upon seeing an Exorcist's head "Interesting. Let's keep this between us, SHALL WE?"

- Alastor, threatening one of the Egg Boiz

Dad Beat Dad
"Just some of the renovations we had done! Adds a bit of colour, don't you think?"

- Alastor, to Lucifer

"Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you sir, quite a pleasure. It's nice to finally put a face to the name. You are much shorter in real life!"

- Alastor, introducing himself to Lucifer

"Ha, ha, ha! It was actually my idea."

- Alastor, correcting Lucifer on who named the Hazbin Hotel "HA HA! Fuck you."

- Alastor, to Lucifer "Oh, quite a talent, this gal. Ho-ho, you should have seen her in her heyday."

- Alastor, about Mimzy "If you ever say that again, I will tear your soul apart and broadcast your screams for every other disrespectful WRETCH who dares to question me."

- Alastor, to Husk "It's time I remind everyone why I'm here...A reminder to all-not to mess-with the RADIO DEMON."

- Alastor, before he begins killing the Loan Sharks

"I will devour each and every one of you!"

- Alastor, attacking the Loan Sharks

"I think you should go, Mimsy. Now."

- Alastor, telling Mimsy to leave

"I mean it. You deliberately brought danger to this place just to have me clean up your mess. I can't have that here."

- Alastor, to Mimzy

"You are welcome if you actually want to give redemption a shot. But I think we both know that's not really your style. So you need to leave."

- Alastor, to Mimzy

Hello Rosie!
"Oh, Charlie, you look an absolute mess!"

- Alastor, commenting on Charlie's sadness "Now, now, is that any way to act after picking a fight with ALL of Heaven, and dooming everyone you love?"

- Alastor, taunting Charlie after an outburst "Who's joking? You have a captive audience downstairs waiting for whatever inspiring performance you have next."

- Alastor, reminding her of the people downstairs "Hehehehe...just because you see a smile, don't think you know what's going on underneath. A smile is a valuable tool, my dear. It inspires your friends, keeps your enemies guessing, and ensures that, no matter what comes your way, YOU'RE the one in control."

- Alastor, telling Charlie the uses of a smile "I know something you don't knooowww!~"

- Alastor, singsonging and hinting to the angels' hidden weaknesses "Your SOUL?...Heavens, no! All I need from you is one itty bitty favour. What's a favour between friends?"

- Alastor, making a deal with Charlie "One favor at the time of my choosing, where you harm no one! In return, I tell you what I know. Do we have a deal?"

- Alastor, telling her the rules of his deal "Good girl."

- Alastor, to Charlie after she asked what he had said about smiles

"A what, now?"

- Alastor, after Rosie calls him asexual

"Charlie, this is Rosie. The most darling, delightful and dangerous Overlord this side of the Pentagram."

- Alastor, introducing Charlie to Rosie

"And, Rosie, it's my pleasure to introduce you to Princess Charlie Morningstar, daughter of Lucifer and heir to the throne of Hell."

- Alastor, introducing Rosie to Charlie

"Oh, your people will be far from powerless when we're done with them. And by the end, they will be able to eat their fill!"

- Alastor, convincing Rosie to help fight against Heaven

The Show Must Go On
"Adam! First man, next to die!"

- Alastor, encountering Adam "Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you, quite a pleasure. I'm about to END YOUR FUCKING LIFE."

- Alastor, introducing himself to Adam "Uh, uh, uh!"

- Alastor, right before dodging an attack from Adam "You should know better than anyone what a soul can accomplish when they take charge of their own fate."

- Alastor, fighting Adam "Tougher than you! Hahaha! You lack discipline, control, and worst? YOU'RE SLOPPY."

- Alastor, mocking Adam's fighting style "Hahaha! Poetry!"

- Alastor, mocking Adam's angry stuttering "What just happened? Fffffffuck."

- Alastor, after he found out that Adam broke his microphone "Have to disagree with you there. Radio's not dead, but it is ending this broadcast."

- Alastor retreating from Adam "🎵 'Great Alastor Altruist, died for his friends' Sorry to disappoint, that is NOT where this ends! 🎵"

- Alastor, singing annoyed about how the public would see him as a hero "🎵 I'm hungry for freedom like never before. The constraints of my deal surely have a backdoor. Once I figure out how to unclip my wings, guess who will be pulling all the strings! 🎵"

- Alastor, singing on how his deal with an unknown person is driving him mad

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