Dad Beat Dad/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Dad Beat Dad". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

''[Opens to Vaggie sleeping in bed. she squirms before waking up, yawning and rubbing her eyes. She turns to the left side. Camera zooms out to reveal Charlie gone.]''

Vaggie: Charlie?

[It cuts to Charlie panicking and planning out everything with lots of paper with strings attached with everyone else watching her]

Charlie: I'm just not quite understanding why it's not working. Okay, okay, think Charlie. Think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think. Okay if I do this, it's going to be- (gasp) I have trust falls every single morning. We can do- (gasp)

Angel Dust: Yikes.

Charlie: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Vaggie: Charlie? Sweetie? You, uh, you good?

Charlie: Nope! No, not really. Ha ha. I've been up all night trying to figure out why the hotel isn't working. [Crushes paper with hand] We've done trust falls, we've tried sharing our feelings, we only have a couple months left before the angels come. [Turns into demonic form and laughs and then turns back to normal] And at this rate-

Vaggie: Maybe it's time-

Charlie: NO.

Vaggie: to ask-

Charlie: DON'T SAY IT.

Vaggie: your dad.

[Charlie groans]

Vaggie: Charlie, I know you don't want to, but we need every advantage we can get.

Charlie: He let the extermination happen to begin with. They just had a meeting and said, "Go ahead and kill everyone"- (gasp) Wait, that's it!

Vaggie: Kill everyone?

Charlie: No! He could get me a meeting with Heaven!

Vaggie: Didn't we already try that?

Charlie: Well yeah with Adam, he was an asshole. But he isn't in charge of all of Heaven. We could go to the top. There's sure to be some angels who will listen.

[Charlie scrolls through her contacts, hesitant to call her dad]

Husk: What's the holdup? You got daddy issues?

Charlie: No, we just have never been close. After he and mom split, he never really wanted to see me. He calls, sometimes, but only if he's bored or like needs me to do something.

Husk: Daddy issues.

Angel Dust: Well I'd like to meet the big dick in charge.

Niffty: The ultimate bad boy. [laughs while Angel throws her knife away] I bet he's scary.

[Cuts to Lucifer's house, showing framed photos of his family and then him]

Lucifer: That's it. Almost there. Now presenting... the magic-tastical back flipping rubber duck! Haha! That spits fire! Hoo hoo hoo! Hold the applause please, okay. Oh, thank you, thank you. Oh god, who am I kidding? This sucks.

''[He throws the rubber duck at his family portrait and looks sad. Suddenly his ringtone plays]''

Lucifer: Daughter? Daughter! Daughter calling?! OH! Uhm uh, uh hello, Charlie. He-ey, hey, hey Char-Char. No, no! That's not good. Oh, this is the first time she's called you. Yes, this has to be perfect. [picks up phone] Hey~ bitch!

Charlie: Hi, Dad.

Lucifer: Hey! How are you? Oh ho ho. Where-where are you these days?

Charlie: You know where I am Dad. I've told you before.

Lucifer: You have? Oh, yeah uh, well, you know, I uh-

Charlie: I told you when you called me five months ago, or did you not listen?

Lucifer: No, no, no, no. Just, you know, just forgot. You know, I've just been really busy, you know, with, um, important things. [kicks rubber duck]

Charlie: Well, I'm actually running a hotel to rehabilitate sinners. Maybe you saw our commercial?

Lucifer: Oh, sadly, I missed it. heh heh. You know, I haven't been watching much TV lately. Scrambles the brain. [makes silly noises]. But hey! A hotel, fun.

Charlie: (Sighs) Listen Dad, I've got kind of a big ask.

Lucifer: [coughs and sets down his tea] Yeah, of course. Anything in my power is yours for the asking. You just name it~

Charlie: I need to speak to Heaven. Well, whoever's in charge up there, above Adam, above anybody. I need to go to the top.

Lucifer: Oh, no. No~ No, no, no, no, Charlie, no, no, no. That's, uh hah, no.

Charlie: [angrily] Look Dad, [normal] I don't ask you for much, I never have, but this, this is really important to me. It's the most important thing I've ever done. And I...need you. I need your help.

Lucifer: I don't know, Charlie.

Charlie: Please! Just come see what I'm trying to do. You'll see why it's a really good idea. And Heaven is bound to agree if I get the chance to talk to them. Please, Dad.

Lucifer: Wait, you're...inviting me over?! Absolutely! Oh, I'll be there in an hour. [hangs up] My daughter wants to see me~ Take that, depression!

Charlie: Welp, we have an hour until he gets here.

Vaggie: Okay people, Lucifer is on his way. So we are going to get this place presentable and we are going to make an amazing impression. Vamanos!

''[ Sir Pentious and Niffty bakes cookies, then Niffty starts sweeping and Husk is cleaning up. Alastor walks in and watches Razzle and Dazzle put up a "Wellcum Daddy" banner up. Angel puts on some make up then Niffty shuts the mirror Angel was using]''

Charlie: [sighs] Okay everyone, it's showtime! [opens the door]

Lucifer: Charlie!

Charlie: Hey, Dad.

Lucifer: [hugs Charlie] Oh it's so good to see you. Haha!

Charlie: It's uh, good to see you too, Dad. [Releases Charlie and then Charlie takes a breather] [clears throat] Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!

Lucifer: Oh hewwo KeeKee. Razzle, Dazzle. Oh[makes endearing noises] look how much you haven't grown. Still fun sized. You taking care of my wittle girl? You better be. [snickers] Wow! This place sure looks, uh...uh huh yah uh huh...It's got a lot of character! OH, what in the unholy hell is that?!

Alastor: Just some of the renovations we had done. Adds a bit of color, don't you think?

Lucifer: And you are?

Alastor: Alastor. Pleasure to be meeting you, sir. Quite a pleasure. It's nice to finally put a face to the name. You are much shorter in real life.

Lucifer: Who is this? Who is this man? Are you the bellhop?

Alastor: Aha! No! I am the host of the hotel. You might have heard of me from my radio broadcast.

Lucifer: Hmm, nope! I guess that's why Charlie called it the Has-been Hotel, ahaha.

Alastor: Ha ha ha. It was actually my idea.

Lucifer: Ahaha. Well, it's not very clever.

Alastor: Ha ha! Fuck you.

Charlie: Okay! Okay, anyway. Dad, look at this lovely parlor where people can get to know each other and share secrets and stories and intimate feelings! Without Alastor, we wouldn't have been able to pretty it up this much.

Alastor: Charlie has a very unique vision. I am happy to fulfil her bizarre requests. [places hand on her shoulder]

Charlie: Oh, thank you, Alastor. [Lucifer gets angry]

Alastor: Quite an impressive young lady. We're all very proud of her.

Lucifer: Ahem, Charlie! Dear, eheh, why don't you introduce me to your OTHER friends?

Charlie: Oh, yes, of course. This is Vaggie, she's my girlfriend.

Lucifer: Oh my golly! You like girls? Yes, so do I. We have so much in common! You put her there Maggie. Hey! [hugs her] Oh yeah. She's so pretty.

Vaggie: Lovely to meet you, uh, sir.

Charlie: And this is Sir Pentious and Angel Dust, our guests!

Sir Pentious: Your Majesty! [falls down into the cookies]

Angel Dust: Heya short king.

Charlie: Husk is our bartender and Niffty is our housekeeper.

Husk: Nice to meet you.

Niffty: Hello. I clean [laughs].

[Suddenly the chandelier falls and produces a huge amount of dust which makes everyone cough]

Lucifer: [Laughs]. Alright then.

{song plays}

Lucifer: *singing* Looks like you could use some help.

from the big boss of Hell himself.

Check your daddy’s glowing reviews on Yelp!

Lucifer puppets: “5 stars!” “Flawless!” “Greater than great!”

Lucifer: With a punch of a pentagram.

A wam! Bam! Boom! Alakazam!

Usually I charge a sacrificial lamb.

but you get the family rate! “Thanks dad!”

Who needs a busboy now that you’ve got the chef? Michelin tasting menu free a la carte.

I'll rig the game for you because I’m the ref! Champaign fountains, caviar mountains, that’s just to start!

Alastor: Who’s been here since day one?

Who’s been faithful as a nun?

Who makes you chuckle with an old-timey pun? Your executive producer!

Charlie: *spoken* That’s true!

Alastor: *singing* I’m your guy! Your day to day.

Your chum, your steadfast hotelier.

Remember when I fixed that clog today?

Niffty: *spoken* I was stuck, thank you sir!

Charlie: Oh you!

Alastor: *singing* I'm truly honoured that we’ve built such a bond, you’re like the child that I wish that I had.

I care for you just like a daughter I spawned, it’s a little funny! You could almost call me DAD!

''[Lucifer plays golden fiddle aggressively and Alastor plays piano aggressively. Lucifer then plays the accordian.]''

Alastor: *singing* They say when you’re looking for assistance

It's wise to choose the path with least resistance!

Lucifer: Others say that in your needy hour.

there's no substitute for pure angelic power!

Who just happens to also be your blood!

Alastor: Sadly there are times a birth parent is a dud

They say the family you choose is better!

Lucifer: *sing talking* What a bunch of losers!

Alastor: Can you butt out of my song?

Lucifer: Your song?!? I started it!

Alastor: I’m singing it! I’ll finish it!

Lucifer: Oh you tacky piece of—!

Mimzy: *singing* It’s me! Yes it’s me!

I know you were all waiting for me!

I'm here! What a gas!

Took a while but I’m present at last!

It’s me! It’s me!

Mimzy!

[song ends]

Lucifer: *spoken* Who?

Mimzy: Didn’t you just hear me? Why is everybody gawking? Is it cuz I’m adorable?

Alastor: Mimzy!

Mimzy: Alastor! Sweetie, Doll-face, So good to see you! How’ve you been? Good? Good.

[Mimzy and Alastor hug each other]

Mimzy: Listen, I was in the neighbourhood and I heard you were staying at this ritzy slob factory, so I figured I’d stop by and say hi! For old times sake.

Alastor: Of course, sweetheart! Everyone is welcome here!

Charlie: Oh, how nice! So you two know each other?

Mimzy: Oh yeah, we go way back, ran in the same circles when we were alive. You know, this one used to frequent the club where I used to perform. He’s the only one I knew who could pound whiskey like a sailor then keep up with me on the dance floor!

Alastor: Oh, quite a talent, this gal. Ho ho! You should’ve seen her in her hayday!

Mimzy: Hey, watch it, tall, dark and creepy! I’m still in my prime! Oh, oh my stars! *gasps* Is that Lucifer? Move it! Please to meet ya! Your highness. *whispering* Alastor, you gotta earn a gal when she’s in mixed company.

Lucifer: Charmed, I’m sure.

Alastor: As much as I’d love to catch up, Charlie and I have a tour to continue.

Lucifer: I’m sure Charlie can handle showing me around.

Alastor: Nonsense! We started the hotel together, and we’ll show it off together. Right, Charlie?

Charlie: Oh, right.

Alastor to Mimzy: Why don’t you let the others help you settle in, and I’ll be back before you know it.

Mimzy: So, where can a girl get a drink around here?

Husk: *groans*

Mimzy: My, my, is that Husker? Alastor still has you slinging hooch for him, I see. *chuckles* Classic! How’ve ya been, fur ball?

Husk: Good! Until five minutes ago.

Mimzy: Oh, don’t tell me you’re not happy to see me! You might hurt my feelings! *giggles* Hey Niffty, whatcha been up to, girlie?

Niffty: Fighting bugs.

Mimzy: And uh, how’s that going for ya?

Niffty: They’re winning, *sadistically* but not for long.

Mimzy: Uh huh… thanks, pussy cat!

Husk: Oh, fuck you.

Angel Dust: So uh, you and Alastor are like, what? Friends?

Mimzy: Well, that’s your word, not mine, but I think it fits. Why so surprised?

Angel Dust: Well, I just didn’t know he had any of those. He’s been here a while and he’s still a big, creepy mystery. What’s his deal?

Mimzy: Well, you’ve probably heard the stories. He appeared in Hell suddenly, making a splash quicker than anyone had ever seen. At first, people wanted to dismiss him. but soon, overlords started going missing, and not small ones neither. We’re talking heavy hitters. No one knew what happened to them, until these strange radio broadcasts started going out. All you could hear was screams. Every time an overlord went missing, there’d be a new voice screaming in the broadcast! That’s when Alastor revealed himself as the radio demon, and anyone who dared to mess with him… *chuckles* well, let’s just say, his broadcasts never lacked new voices. That’s the story most people know, but underneath it all… he’s a total sweetie! Put on some jazz and pour a couple fingers of rye and he becomes a kitten! Oh, stop with the looks. He hasn’t done any of that in a while. Husk, can I get another one of these? Oh what the fuck?!

Charlie: So, once we have the proof that redemption is possible, this whole hotel will be full of demons waiting to check out into heaven! We just need a little time to prove it. The sharing circles haven’t been working as fast as I hoped.

Husk: Hey, boss. Can I have a word?

Alastor: What is it?

Husk: You and I know both know Mimzy only shows up when she needs something. That bitch is trouble, and who knows what kind of demon she fucked with to come running to you this time?

Alastor: it’s nothing I can’t handle. Don’t worry Husker. Who in their right mind would cross me?

Husk: I mean, you’ve been gone for a while, and it’s not like anybody knows why.

Alastor: They don’t need to know, and don’t worry your fuzzy little head about it.

Husk: *growls* You may own my soul, but I’m not your fucking pet!

Alastor: *chuckles* But you are! Haha!

Husk: *whispering* Big talk for someone who’s also on a leash.

Alastor: Aha, what did you say?

Husk: uhh, nothing! I, uhm…

Alastor: If you ever say that again, I will tear your soul apart and broadcast your screams for every other disrespectful wretch who dares to question me!

Husk: *scared* Understood.

Alastor: Lovely. *chuckles* Good talk, my good man! Always nice to catch up.

Vaggie: And we’ve been able to find almost all of Angel Dust’s drug stashed… almost.

Charlie: So, once that’s out of the way it should be much smoother sailing!

Lucifer: Well that certainly is, uhh… is something.

Charlie: So, what do you think?

Lucifer: About what?

Charlie: The hotel.

Lucifer: Oh! Yes! It does look much better now, doesn’t it? *chuckles* But you know, I think this railing needs work, one good push and you’d just go right over the edge! Whoopie! Bye bye! *chuckles*

Charlie: What? No, no, the plan, Dad! What do you think about the plan of using the hotel to help sinners?

Lucifer: *exhales* Alright, I mean, look, I love that you want to see the best in people, these sinners, you know, they’re just the worst. I don’t know how much you can realistically expect from them, and Heaven? Hohooo boy, Heaven, is not exactly as carefree as you might think. They have rules, lots of rules, and they aren’t very open minded as you’d hope.

Charlie: These are our people, Dad, I… I have to try!

Lucifer: Our “people” Charlie, are awful! They got gifted free will and look what they did with it! Everything’s terrible! *wheeze* I just don’t want you to put yourself on the line for people like—

[loud thud]

Vaggie: Geez! What now?!

Lucifer: Well, like that.

Loan shark: Mimzy! We know you’re in there you lousy bitch!

Mimzy: Oh shit.

Vaggie: Que Carajo?!

Charlie: what’s going on?!

Mimzy: I may be in trouble with some loan sharks who I may or may not have borrowed 50 grand from—

[loud thud]

Mimzy: Eep!

Loan shark: You better come out!

Mimzy: I may have also stolen a car… and crashed it… into the loan shark’s girlfriend, but that bitch had it coming!

Niffty: My windows!

Sir Pentious: Ah! We’re under siege! Take cover!

Vaggie: Look out!

Angel Dust: What the fuck?!

Lucifer: You see? This is exactly what I’m talking about Charlie. You build something nice, you invite people in and offer them everything and they just bring violence and chaos to your doorstep. It doesn’t matter how well intentioned you are, they’re always going to disappoint you.

Sir Pentious: Niffty! Come along!

Vaggie: All of you! Get to a safe distance, I’ll handle this.

Alastor: No, my dear, leave it to me. It’s time I remind everyone why I am here.

Mimzy: Finally! Took you long enough!

Alastor: A reminder to all, not to mess with the radio demon! *evil laugh*

Mimzy: Yeah!

Alastor: I will devour each and every one of you!

Lucifer: Mhm, you see? What did I tell you? Charlie, sinners are violent psychopaths who are hell bent on causing as much pain and destruction as they can. There’s really no point in trying.

Charlie: Dad! Stop! He’s defending this hotel! It may be a bit more sadistic than I’d hoped, but he’s doing it for me! How come he can have faith in me but my own father can’t?

Angel Dust: Ooh, drama.

Alastor: Oh, I missed getting to let off steam!

Mimzy: Oh, Alastor! What a fantastic show! Bravo! As always. Thanks for helping lil' old me out of a tougher spot, you’re always such a pal!

[Crash]

Mimzy: Oops. Heheh… sorry about the mess, but I’m sure the little bug can take care of it for you.

Alastor: I think you should go Mimzy, now.

Mimzy: Oh pff, Alastor, you’re such a kidder you! Haha, you are so funny!

Alastor: I mean it. You deliberately brought danger to this place just to have me clean up your mess. I can’t have that here.

Mimzy: But you love taking care of me! You don’t actually give a shit about this tacky place, do you? Come on, I know you. You heartless son of a bitch.

Alastor: You are welcome if you actually want to give redemption a shot, but I think we both know that’s not really your style, so you need to leave.

Mimzy: Fine! Who needs you? Have fun with your little princess and your little hotel! See if I care!

Angel Dust: This is really getting good.

Charlie: Dad, just… help me.

Lucifer: I… I can’t.

Charlie: Why can’t you?

Lucifer: Charlie! You don’t understand. Heaven never listens! They didn’t listen to me, they won’t listen to you!

Charlie: You don’t know that!

Lucifer: I do!

[song begins]

Lucifer: *singing* You, didn’t know that when

I tried this all before, my dreams were to hard to defend.

And in the end,

I won’t lose it all again. Now you’re the only thing worth fighting for.

More than anything, more than anything.

I'll shelter and adore you more than anything.

Charlie: *spoken* Dad, I don’t need you to protect me from this.

Lucifer: I just don’t want you to be crushed by them… like I was.

Charlie: Dad… *singing* When I was young, I didn’t really know you at all.

I always felt so small.

But I heard your stories and I was enthralled.

The tales about your lofty dreams.

I listened breathlessly.

Imagining it could be me.

So in the end, it's the view I had of you, that showed me dreams can be worth fighting for.

More than anything, more than anything.

I need to save my people more than anything.

Lucifer: I’ve been dying to find out who you are.

Charlie: I’ve been waiting,

wanting the same thing.

Lucifer: Looks like the apple doesn’t fall far.

Charlie: Took you a while.

Lucifer: I’ve missed that smile.

Charlie and Lucifer: All that I’m hoping,

now that my eyes are open, is that we can start again.

not be pulled apart again. Cause in the end, you’re a part of who I am.

Lucifer: I’ll support your dream whatever lies in store.

Charlie: And who could ask for more?

Lucifer: More than anything,

Charlie: More than anything,

Lucifer: More than anything.

Charlie: More than anything.

Charlie and Lucifer: I’m grateful you’re my father/daughter more than anything. More than anything.

[song ends]

Sir Pentious: *spoken* Aww, that was ssssweet.

Lucifer: Ok, I can get you the meeting but once you’re in Heaven, I won’t be able to go with you. Will you be ok?

Charlie: I’ll be fine.

Lucifer: That’s my girl. *sighs* Good luck kiddo.

Vaggie: This next part is going to be scary. Are you ready?

Charlie: I’m ready, cuz you’ll be with me.

Vaggie: In spirit, right?

Charlie: In Heaven!

Vaggie: Yay…

[episode ends]