Scrambled Eggs/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Scrambled Eggs". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode. [We open with a shot of KeeKee asleep on the sofa, with Charlie, Vaggie and Razzle and Dazzle putting up a banner that reads "Happy first week, Sir Pentious!]

Charlie: That looks perfect! Aah! I am so excited that Sir Pentious is staying at the hotel!

Vaggie: Um...Pentious was just trying to take over the city with his weird steampunk bullshit a few days ago.

Charlie: Well, I haven't seen him try to pull any of that here.

[Sir Pentious comes in, rolling in a new machine that his Egg Boiz are sitting on]

Vaggie: What the hell is that?

Sir Pentious: Oh, hello, purple female. It's my new invention, the Skin Flayer 11,000! I'm really looking forward to shooting the other residents.

Charlie: What? Why?

Sir Pentious: Everyone is being too nice. Obviously it must be a lie. I can sense that they are planning to kill me, but when? How? I must be prepared! Ooh, the new parts of my machine are here.

''[ Odette and Clara come in, wheeling in boxes of weapons. Pentious runs over to them]''

Odette: *holds out clipboard* Sign, please.

[Sir Pentious signs the clipboard while Clara wheels in the boxes]

Odette: Thank you for your business. Enjoy your Carmine purchase. *walks out with Clara*

Vaggie: Carmine? As in Carmilla Carmine? You are buying parts from an overlord?

Sir Pentious: Uh, of course. She's the top weapons dealer in Hell.

Vaggie: Okay, well that stops right now. *takes Pentious's boxes*

Sir Pentious: Hey!

Vaggie: You absolutely cannot build weapons in this hotel. No one is trying to kill you. People are being nice because they want you to feel welcome.

''[Sir Pentious looks at Vaggie with a wry expression. The camera pans to Husk downing a bottle in the bar, who flips off Sir Pentious. Angel Dust, standing near the bar on his phone, does the same. Niffty, who is dusting a corner of the wall, looks at him and does a sinister-sounding giggle]''

Sir Pentious: Hmm...I have my doubts.

Vaggie: Well, it's true. You have to trust us.

Sir Pentious: But I don't.

Charlie: Well, why don't we focus on that for today's activities?

Vaggie: Not before we lay some ground rules. No more building weapons, no more plotting against other guests, and you need to get rid of these things. *points at Egg Boiz*

[2 Egg Boiz, having a tug-of-war over a laser, accidentally set it off and blow a hole in the roof]

Vaggie: Oh! What did I just say? What did I just say?

Sir Pentious: What? Not my little egg boiz. *hugs Egg Boiz* They do my evil bidding for me!

Vaggie: Do you want to stay here and redeem yourself?

Sir Pentious: *narrows eyes* Yes.

Vaggie: Then no more eggs.

Sir Pentious: *with tears in his eyes* All right, eggies. You've got to go. I *sobs* can't keep you anymore!

Egg Boiz: Okay, boss. *they all follow Vaggie as she wheels Pentious' boxes away*

Sir Pentious: No, don't resist. This is how it has to be!

''[Sir Pentious begins crying as he watches his Egg Boiz walking away. Charlie, looking awkward, pats his shoulder]''

''[The scene changes to show Alastor in his room, eating a deer carcass with a knife and fork while jazz music plays in the background. Suddenly, the jazz music stops with a record-scratching sound]''

Vaggie: Alastor!

[Alastor looks surprised for a second and his eyes go from the deer carcass on the table to Vaggie]

Alastor: Do you mind? I'm in the middle of breakfast.

Vaggie: Pentious' eggs are all over the place, and I need you to get rid of them.

Alastor: *throws away knife and fork, stands up and summons microphone* Oh, well, in that case, I'd be delighted to!

Vaggie: Humanely!

Alastor: Hmm. Well, that's a lot less fun *eyes glow red and the x appears on his forehead*, but I suppose I can take care of that on my outing today. *walks out of the room*

Vaggie: Great! *looks at deer carcass* That looks disgusting.

''[The scene changes back to the hotel foyer, where Charlie and the rest of the hotel's residents, minus Alastor, are, with all of them except for Charlie and Vaggie sitting on a sofa. Behind Charlie and Vaggie is a stage with a banner on it that reads "Trusting 101"]''

Charlie: Hi, guys. Thanks for coming! It's been brought to our attention that there may be a little...tension in the hotel.

[Sir Pentious grabs Niffty with his tail and makes to shoot her with his ray gun, but Vaggie snatches it out of his hands before he can]

Vaggie: Tension that can be counterproductive to what we're trying to do here.

Charlie: We think that this group could really benefit from...

[The background goes to yellow and Charlie and Vaggie go flying up into the air]

Charlie: Trust exercises!

Vaggie: Trust exercises *begins falling* ah, shit!

''[Vaggie falls on the floor as the yellow background cracks and breaks. Charlie pulls Vaggie to her feet]''

Charlie: Vaggie, we rehearsed this. (Sighs) *to everyone else* We're doing trust exercises!

Husk: So, uh, what's with the whole, uhh...this? *gestures to the stage behind Charlie and Vaggie* I'm not about to put on some show for these fucking chumps.

Angel Dust: Oh, I will *puts feet on Husk's legs*, but it's cash up front, and I know that one *points at Pentious* can't afford me.

Sir Pentious: Gross! I'd never think of it, spider!

Vaggie: Right, well, let's get started. Charlie?

Charlie: Actually, I thought maybe you could take the lead on this one. I trust everyone, so maybe you know better on how to build it properly! *walks over to stand by Husk, Niffty, Pentious and Angel*

Vaggie: What? Uhh, I don't know if I'm qualified, uh...

Charlie: Oh, come on. It'll be easy! I'm sure you can handle this.

Vaggie: Yeah...um, ''*looks at them. All of them are looking grumpy except for Charlie and Niffty*'' Sure, I can handle this. No problem.

[Vaggie takes a deep breath and walks down one side of the stage]

Vaggie: * drill seargant style* All, right, so we are starting with trust falls! Each of you are going to share something vulnerable with the group about yourself and then fall backwards, while the rest of the group catches you. Got it? Who wants to go first?

Charlie: *raises hand* Ooh, ooh, me me me! Me! Me! Me!

Vaggie: All right, get on up here.

[Charlie runs past Vaggie and onto the stage]

Charlie: I...I love you guys. Like, really, really love you. *falls backwards*

[Vaggie runs forward and catches Charlie]

Vaggie: Gotcha!

Charlie: That...felt...good! Angel, why don't you go next?

Angel Dust: Fine. *walks onto the stage*

Vaggie: This time everyone needs to catch him, okay? Unless you want me to hurt you.

Angel Dust: Somethin' about myself, huh? How about this? I LOVE to suck-

Husk: I swear to fuck if you say dicks!

Angel Dust: -popsicles, ya sicko! Get your mind outta the gutter!

''[Angel falls backwards. Husk catches him]''

Angel Dust: But, you know, dicks too!

[Husk drops him]

Angel Dust: *to Pentious* All, right, new guy, you're up.

''[The room goes dark and a melodramatic music plays. A spotlight shines on Pentious]''

Sir Pentious: I...don't want to live without my minions. Nobody catch me! *falls backwards*

[Vaggie and Charlie catch him together]

Sir Pentious: Damn it.

Vaggie: That's great. Wow, you are slimy. *drops Pentious* Okay, good job. Uh, Niffty?

[Niffty runs past them onto the stage, giggling manically]

Niffty: Sometimes, I kill mother-bugs in front of their children as a warning to others!

''[Niffty flings herself off of the stage. The others actively move out of the way to let her fall]''

Niffty: *falls on her face* Yay! Pain!

[Niffty, giggling, runs back onto the stage to jump off again.]

Niffty: (Sighs) Pain!

[Charlie and Vaggie walk off to talk privately]

Charlie: I don't know if this is really working the way we'd hoped. Maybe we should-

Vaggie: Honey, you have to trust me here. I got this, okay? I'll figure something out.

[Angel appears behind them]

Angel Dust: If you're in the market for some ideas, I've got just the thing for some "trust buildin'".

Vaggie: *sighs* What do you have in mind?

''[The scene changes to show a street in Pentagram City. Alastor is walking down the street, closely followed by Pentious' Egg Boiz]''

Egg Boiz: Oh, boy! What's the plan, boss? I like your suit! What are the antlers for? Can I touch your staff thing? Are those your ears or is it your hair? I can't tell!

''[Alastor's eye twitches as he walks down the street, a pained smile on his face. A shadowy person watches him from behind, before appearing in front of him]''

Zestial: Hark, Alastor. How fare thee this day?

[Alastor makes a radio static sound effect, looking slightly scared]

Egg Boi: Who's that, boss? Want me to rough him up for you?

Alastor: Follow in silence if you value your shell! *taps Egg Boi's shell with his cane before turning back to Zestial*  Greetings, Zestial!

[A demon comes out from an alleyway and sees Alastor and Zestial]

Demon: Oh, holy shit!

Zestial: Ah, the weather, doth become this fine day.

Alastor: Indeed, looks like we might have some acid rain this afternoon!

[A demon, seeing Zestial, pours gasoline over himself and sets himself on fire]

Zestial: If our luck doth hold! I do revel in the screams. How art thou? *begins walking down the street with Alastor* It has been an age since thou hath graced us thy presence. Some hath spun wild tales of you falling to...holy arms.

Alastor: *laughs* Oh, I just took a well-earned sabbatical, nothing serious. *adjusts bow tie and coat in a window reflection* Though it's fun to keep everyone on their toes! *laughs as a laughing sound effect plays from his microphone*

Zestial: *chuckles* There too hath been rumour of thy involvement with the princess and her recent flight of fancy. TELL ME, *cloak flares open briefly* how does thou fall in such folly?

Alastor: *spins cane* That is for me to know. But please, do guess, I'd love to know the theories! *continues walking*

Zestial: *chuckles* T'would be grander folly by far to assume the workings of your mind, Alastor. Thou hath been naught but an enigma since thy manifested in this realm.

Alastor: Coming from someone as ancient as you, I take that as quite the compliment!

''[Alastor, Zestial and the Egg Boiz walk into an alleyway with a row of lifts and get into one. The Egg Boiz attempt to follow, but Alastor blocks them with his cane]''

Alastor: No, no. I have a very important task for you. Stay here and guard the front until I return.

[The Egg Boiz salute and the lift begins its ascent]

Egg Boi: Oh, look. Frank is up there. *points to the lift, where one Egg Boi is inside, pounding on the glass*

Another Egg Boi: We have names?

''[The lift reaches the top of the building and opens, where Alastor, Zestial and Frank walk out. Frank watches as other Overlords come out of other lifts and go into another room. Frank follows them in and stands near Alastor's seat. The overlord sitting next to Alastor turns to look at Frank and he waves. The overlord smiles widely at him, showing her pointed, knife-like teeth. Frank hides behind Alastor's chair as another overlord walks to the head of the table]''

Carmilla Carmine: Welcome, Hell sovereign overlords. I've invited you all here because you represent the controlling powers of our city. Together, you own millions of souls. Souls at risk with the new Extermination schedule. *pounds fist on table* We need to discuss what can be done to minimize the impact to our interest.

[Zestial takes his seat]

Carmilla Carbine: Zestial, so good to see you, my friend.

Zestial: *summons teacup and saucer* Enchanted as always, Carmilla.

Carmilla Carbine: *notices Alastor* Alastor?

Alastor: Yes, I know I've been absent some time. I'm sure you've all been wondering!

Carmilla Carbine: Not really. But welcome back in any case.

[Alastor narrows his eyes and looks offended in Carmilla's general direction]

Carmilla Carbine: This year's Extermination was brutal, far more even than years past. We have assessed that about 16% of the population was lost *slide is projected onto the wall behind her* With the angelic legions now returning twice as quickly, I think it prudent we-

[Carmilla is interrupted as Velvette opens the door and walks in, on the phone]

Velvette: Yes, I've got it handled, Vox. Are you doubting me? Really? Me? That's what I thought. *laughs* Yes, I know. They're all a joke.*laughs* Thank you, V. See you soon. Kisses, darling.*hangs up and sits down at the opposite end to Carmilla*

Carmilla Carbine: Nice of you to join us, Velvette. Will your...colleagues be joining?

Velvette: No, they have better shit to do than to listen to an old windbag who thinks she's tough shit. I'm here to represent.

Carmilla Carbine: Charming. So, as I was saying, we need to discuss-

[Carmilla stops talking as Velvette waves her hand in the air]

Carmilla Carbine: Yes?

Velvette: On the subject of discussion...

''[Velvette takes out the head of an Exorcist and throws it onto the table. The other overlords look at it and mutter to each other]''

Zeezi: Holy shit!

Alastor: Oh! Tasty...

Carmilla Carbine: *narrows eyes* Where did you get this?

Velvette: We found it during Extermination day. If these Holy Rollers can be killed, the game has changed. *stands on top of table* We can take the fight to them. The boys and I have come up with a full assault plan.

[Velvette stops talking and she and the other overlords look at Zestial, who is sipping his tea loudly and aggressively to drown out Velvette]

Zestial: If it be true thee and thy colleagues desire to war with such meagre proof, thou art far more...foolish than I be thought.

Velvette: *scoffs* Meagre proof? It's a dead fucking Exorcist. I'd say that's pretty fucking definitive. You going blind, old man?

Zestial: We know not how this perished. Mayhaps t'was not by a demon's hand at all. If we rush to war without knowing mightn't, they purge all of Hell for daring an uprising?

''[The other overlords mutter in agreement. Velvette notices Carmilla's expression and smiles]''

Velvette: Oh, I get it. So Grandpa is too pussy to fight, so I guess there's no point, right? *gets up in Zestial's face* Oh, what's the matter, Fossil? Too senile to make a real power grab for-

Carmilla Carbine: ♪ You better show some respect! Check your behavior! no one speaks to Zestial that way! ♪

♪ Did you expect us to sit back and take your, insolent brazen display? ♪

Velvette: *laughs*  ♪ You got it twisted! I'm not the one who needs a new attitude! ♪

Maybe you missed it, but I'm that #Bitch and I will do nothing less than what I please, whoo! ♪I'm the backbone of the Vees ♪

♪ Mad that I acted respectless? Well, it's cause no one could respect this! ♪

*walks across table* ♪ Sorry, group attendin'! Since when are Overlords too scared to fight? ♪

♪ You're long past trending! Sorry, bae, but I ain't swiping right! You've lost your relevance- ♪

Zestial: ♪ We can't act without more intelligence! ♪

Velvette: ♪ Ugh! No wonder I'm so respectless! I could eat you lot for breakfast! ♪

Carmilla Carbine: ♪ You and the Vees are inane and uninformed! ♪

Smug wannabes who don't heed when you've been warned! ♪

Velvette: ♪ Oops! Did I strike a nerve? ♪

♪ 'Cause when I brought out the angel's head, *throws head across table* couldn't help but observe, that your wrinkled face was turning red! ♪

♪ And why are you avoiding war? That's what the guns you sell are for! Thanks to my being respectless, one thing I'm starting to suspect is *gets in Carmilla's face* You know why this angel's headless! Do you have a disclosure? ♪

Carmilla Carbine: ♪ This meeting's over! ♪

''[The other overlords are all staring at Carmilla Carmine and Velvette. Alastor finally decides to break the silence]''

Alastor: That was a productive meeting!

Velvette: Hm. Fine. Safe travels back to the nursing home, fuckers! *walks out the door* Kiss my arse!

Zeezi: *scoffs* What the hell? We literally just got here!

Odette: Mother?

''[The overlords all begin to get up and leave. All of them walk back towards the lift except for Carmilla Carmine, Odette, Clara and Zestial, who go into another room. Alastor notices this as he is walking towards the lifts]''

Alastor: Hmm. Well that's interesting. *points at Frank with his cane* You, little egg creature. I have a job for you.

Frank: Oh. Yes, boss!

Alastor: Follow them!

[Frank salutes and runs after the overlords who went into another room] ''[The scene changes to Charlie, Vaggie and Angel standing in a sex dungeon. Angel is looking satisfied with himself, Charlie is looking incredibly shocked, and Vaggie looks angry]''

Vaggie: Angel! What the actual fuck?!

Angel Dust: No activity requires more trust than BDSM, baby. No bond stronger than those formed through bondage! That's their motto!

[Angel points to a poster on the wall, which does indeed read "No bond stronger than those formed through bondage"]

Charlie: Angel, love the enthusiasm. But, umm, uh...hmmm...

Vaggie: What makes you think anyone would be into this?

[The camera pans to Husk, who is purring as he gets massaged]

Husk: You know, I...I don't hate this. *chuckles*

[Niffty, near Husk, is wearing a dominance outfit]

Niffty: I'm ready to punish some bad boys! *giggles*

Husk: *gets up* Never mind, I-I'm out!

''[A demon with snake hair comes up behind Charlie and starts giving her a massage. Other demons begin coming towards Charlie and rubbing themselves against her]''

Charlie: Okay, hello there. Hi. Um. Hm. Hm...

{Vaggie pulls Charlie away from the other demons]

Vaggie: Ugh! I can't fucking believe I let you drag us here, Angel. This is disgusting.

Charlie: It's no big deal, Vaggie. You know, maybe I can just help, uh-

Vaggie: No. I told you you could trust me, and I'm not going to let you down. [walks away from Charlie] I just need to teach them...the way I was taught... ''[The scene changes to the group standing on a rooftop with half-destroyed buildings all around them. On the ground, demons are shooting each other and brawling]''

Charlie: *shouting over the other demons' screaming* THIS IS HOW YOU LEARNED TO TRUST PEOPLE?!

Vaggie: *drill sergeant style* There is nothing stronger than the trust between comrades and arms. Buckle up, buttercups, because today you boys become men!

[As there is a loud explosion in the background, Vaggie advances on Pentious]

Vaggie: You... *picks up Pentious*

Sir Pentious: Wait, wait! I can't fight without my minions-

Vaggie: Are gonna survive together!

[Vaggie throws Sir Pentious off the building before turning to Angel Dust]

Vaggie: And you...

Angel Dust: D-don't you even think about it-

Vaggie: Are gonna make this hotel ''work! *pushes Angel off of the roof*''

[Niffty bounces next to Vaggie, her arms raised]

Niffty: My turn, my turn!

''[Vaggie picks up Niffty as Husk goes back into the inside of the building, not wanting to get involved. Vaggie makes to throw Niffty, but Charlie snatches her up before she can]''

Charlie: Vaggie! No!

Vaggie: This is the only way they'll learn, Charlie.

Charlie: No, it's not. *puts down Niffty* There are other ways. It just takes time!

''[As Charlie talks to Vaggie, Niffty looks back at Charlie, asking to be lifted. When Charlie ignores her, Niffty jumps off of the building herself]''

Vaggie: Time we don't have! How many Exterminations will have gone by before these idiots get their shit together? How many times will we have to watch your people be killed before we make headway? *turns away from Charlie*

Charlie: Vaggie...

Vaggie: I took charge today and it all went sideways. I'm supposed to make your dreams a reality. I'm supposed to protect you. *takes Charlie by the shoulders* I'm supposed to never fail you. *goes back to the edge of the rooftop*

Angel Dust: *in the background* I blame you for this, you crazy bitch!

Charlie: You didn't fail me. Vaggie, you're not-you're not-

Vaggie: If I can't help you, what's the point of me?

Charlie: *gasps* Vaggie, don't say that! You do so much! It's-

Vaggie: I'm sorry. I'd...I'd like to be alone for a minute.

[As Charlie walks to the other side of the rooftop, Angel comes out of the door, carrying Sir Pentious, before he throws him onto the roof]

Angel Dust: Made it!

Charlie: *walks to door* Let's go home, guys.

Angel Dust: Ugh! I just walked up all those stairs!

[As Angel pulls Sir Pentious back down the stairs, Vaggie stays on the rooftop by herself] ''[The scene changes to show Carmilla Carmine, Odette, Clara and Zestial all in a room together, with Frank spying on them from behind a pot plant. Carmilla mutters in Spanish as she pours herself a drink, before beginning to down the bottle instead of the glass she poured for herself]''

Zestial: Carmilla, what troubles thou? Losing thy composure is unlike thee.

Carmilla Carbine: *sighs* It's nothing, Zestial, really.

Zestial: The felled angel...t'was by thy hand, was it not?

Carmilla Carbine: Let's not talk about it.

Clara: Mom...maybe he should know.

Carmilla Carbine: Nobody should know. I did what I had to do. I am not discussing this.

Zestial: *lays hand on her shoulder* ♪ What weighs on your soul, old friend? I implore you to share the load! ♪

♪ If it was thou who slew the angel, why not let your strength be known? ♪

Carmilla Carbine: ♪ I always thought ♪

♪ That I would keep blood off my face. ♪

♪ But when that thing attacked, I had to act, to cross that line and keep them safe. ♪

♪ But if anyone knew, then all of Hell would rise to war, and who's to say? ♪

♪ Who'd survive the fray? I might lose the ones that I'd been killing for! ♪

♪ So, I'll *Clara and Odette come over to her and she wraps her arms around them* I'll be your keeper! ♪

♪ Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes! ♪

♪ I'll keep you safe and keep this secret. ♪

[The scene changes to Vaggie, now at the foot of the hotel and beginning to climb up it]

Vaggie: ♪ When I saw your face, you made me feel like a stranger in a brand new place ♪

♪ And it felt so good to be understood! ♪

♪ But there's so much I wished that I could say ♪

♪ So I, I'll be your armor

♪ Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes ♪

♪ I'll spend my life being your partner ♪

♪ Carmilla Carbine: And I don't know what we might face ♪

♪ But I know I can't replace you ♪

♪ So I'll do anything to save you ♪

Vaggie: ♪ And I will try to make your dreams come true ♪

Both: Whatever we go through

♪ I know I ♪

(Carmilla Carbine: ♪ I'll be your keeper ♪)

(Vaggie: ♪ I'll be your armor ♪)

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

(Carmilla Carbine: ♪ I'll make the mistakes ♪)

(Vaggie: ♪ I'll make the mistakes ♪)

♪ Whatever it takes ♪