The Pilot

"Hey, excuse me. What's "obnoxious" about a super fun jingle, alright? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement is spittin' bullshit!"
―Blitzo's reply to Moxxie's point
"This is hell, Millie no one cares about cars being clean here!"
―Blitzo, when Millie suggests a car wash
"Are you gonna crush my musical theatre dreams just like my dad did? Cus' right now, all I see is just my dad's ASSHOLE talking to me! Crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside. I can't believe you, Moxxie, after I made you Employee of the Month!"
―Blitzo, to Moxxie
"Hi there, I'm Blitzo! The "O" is silent, and I'm the founder of I.M.P! Are you a piece of shit who got yourself sent to Hell, or are you an innocent soul who got FUCKED over by someone else?! "
―Blitzo, advertising the company
"The FUCK is "insurance"?"
―Blitzo, to the doctor
"Hey, we don't blame our screw ups on Loona okay? She didn't do anything wrong~"
―Blitzo, babying Loona
"Happy Adoption Anniversary, Loonie! I gotcha a little somethin'!; I'm sorry! You love spiders!"
―Blitzo, to Loona
"Oh God, it was one time! If I hadn't slept with that privileged ASSHOLE, none of us would have access to the living world!"
―Blitzo, about Stolas
"Got this book, got this book, got this fucking heavy book. Oh, OH SHIT!"
―Blitzo, stealing Stolas's book and trying to sneak out of his house
"Sorry I fucked your husband!"
―Blitzo, to Stolas' wife
"Eat this, and you know the bridge over the freeway? Shit off it."
―Blitzo to Loona after destroying his phone due to Stolas' graphic sexual threats
"Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family and we don't get rid of family."
―Blitzo, defending Loona
"That is offensive. Without homeless people, I wouldn't have HALF the joy and laughter I do in this life."
―Blitzo, about homeless people
"Spoiler alert, the butter is spoiled."
―Blitzo, to Millie
"Whatcha dreamin' about?"
―Blitzo, to Moxxie
"Now let's get back to talking about my outfit"
―Blitzo, about his outfit
"Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling so how does it look, it's good right?"
―Blitzo, to Loona, about his outfit
"Well, Christ on a stick I guess there is a God!"
―Blitzo, before shooting Eddie

Murder Family

―Blitzo when Moxxie sets his office on fire
"When you set fire to my office in front of a CLIENT, YOU FUCKING DICK-SHIT!!"
―Blitzo, to Moxxie after the latter inquired why he offered to make the kill free after 24 hours
"Now, let's go lick some ass!"
―Blitzo, right before entering a portal to the living world
"No, don’t be a puss, we're just killing a mother. We're RUINING a family!"
―Blitzo explaining his plan to Moxxie
"Oh, who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie? From the moment of birth you're already a parasite leeching off your mama's tits, now get the FUCK over yourself you baby dick bit-"
―Blitzo yelling at Moxxie for messing up his shot
―Blitzo when he gets shot
"Yeah that's not exactly how it works, lady. Sorry, your fire doesn't hurt us, but I mean, I could fake it if that would get your dick hard."
―Blitzo talking to Martha
"Apology accepted, but if you ever pull a stunt like this again, I will FUCK you and your wife-Alrighty, job well done, now let's get off!"
―Blitzo accepting Moxxie's apology for messing up his shot

Loo Loo Land

"[Impersonating Millie]: "Oh, Blitzo, you're such a good boss!" [Impersonating Moxxie] "Yeah, I really want you, sir." [Impersonating Millie] "Me too!" [As himself] Let's three-way!"
―Blitzo playing with dolls and fantasizing about a threesome with Moxxie and Millie
"Ah... Look I just had a chemical peel. So you'll have to find someone else's face to plant that feathered ass!"
―Blitzo telling Stolas to fuck someone else
"We're assassins, not bodyguards okay. Don't invite us to SHIT unless someone is gonna die!"
―Blitzo about to reject Stolas to be his bodyguards
"M and M, get in here! We're going to Loo Loo Land!"
―Blitzo calling for Millie, and Moxxie to get ready for Loo Loo Land
―Blitzo shouting Loo Loo Land out loud
"Ah, wait 'til her dad tries to diddle your holes."
―Blitzo's response to a Loo Loo Land mascot asking if he finds Octavia creepy
"Hey! I am NOT a day hooker! What? I said I'm NOT one, prude!"
―Blitzo responding to Octavia's comment, then to a passerby
"I hate that fucking clown."
―Blitzo and Octavia saying they hate the clown
"Hey the "O" is silent now!"
―Blitzo responding to Robo Fizz
"Bitch, I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap-ass robo rip-off of an overrated sellout jester!"
―Blitzo insulting Robo Fizz
"No but I'm really good with guns now. Dance, bitch!"
―Blitzo to Robo Fizz
"Worth it! That slutty toy clown had it coming!"
―Blitzo responding to Moxxie

Spring Broken

"Oh, you "suck for life", do ya?"
―Blitzo, about a license plate on a pink car
"Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum dump! You have three goddamn seconds to get your dick out of my parking spot!"
―Blitzo, warning Verosika that she has three seconds to find another parking space
"I should've known you'd be here. I can smell fish for miles, which is odd because I believe the nearest ocean is... three rings down!"
―Blitzo, after he sees Verosika
"And run three rings to Wrath, and max your credit card on shitty horse riding lessons. God damn it, whore you will not let it go!"
―Blitzo, to Verosika
"Or I'll, uh, um, I'll call HR."
―Blitzo, threatening Verosika
"Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that."
―Blitzo, about Verosika
"Okay look, you're all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't pry into your personal lives."
―Blitzo, claiming he doesn’t pry into his employee’s personal lives
"Moxxie, shut the fuck up."
―Blitzo, to Moxxie
"Moxxie! Don't let her access any of your holes!"
―Blitzo panicking when Moxxie gets sexually harassed by Verosika Mayday and her crew
"If you’re gonna be shitty to my employees, then I challenge you to a fucking…Challenge! Fuck, I said that twice."
―Blitzo, threaning to start a "demon duel"
"Alright, shut your assholes, here’s how we’re going to do this shit. First, we find fuck ton of clients, we portal up, we have our fun murdering time as per usual, we pile all of the bodies into a big fucking canoe, we push said canoe into some water, we light it on fire to attract the sharks, an eagle, and maybe a goose, too, fuck it. They come eat the bodies, we win the bet, we rub it in that sloppy bitch’s drunken whore-ass face. Do we have any questions?"
―Blitzo, explaining his plan
"I’m sorry but that was a flawless presentation of what we should do, Mox. It's not my fault you got a smooth little brain upstairs."
―Blitzo, calling Moxxie slow
"I'm calling you slow, Moxxie. God, why don't you learn to take criticism you talentless baby-dicked troll?"
―Blitzo, to Moxxie
"Well, why don't YOU see how expensive they are?!"
―Blitzo, after Moxxie tells him to take an Art class
"You know the kind of FREAKS up there who'd drool all over you!"
―Blitzo, breaking the fourth wall
"Oh, Loonie, look at you, you look downright awful. I'm so proud. Now fetch!"
―Blitzo after seeing Loona's human disguise
"Wha-- Wha-- Where's my baby?!"
―Blitzo, referring to Loona
"Because I adopted you, and that should mean something!"
―Blitzo to Loona
"Ugh, she totally pegs you doesn't she?"
―Blitzo to Moxxie
"Oh my god, I just went through puberty twice"
―Blitzo, during the end credits after poorly singing along to Mustang Dong


"Oh HELL no!"
―Blitzo, after hearing that the cherubs want to save Lyle's life
"Mm hmm, you gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?"
―Blitzo, to Lyle saying not to listen to the Cherubs about how great nature is
"Well someone wants that fucker dead! And he paid in advance and I spent it all on this: *shows a jewel toy horse* so he gotta go!!"
―Blitzo, telling the Cherubs that Loopty wants Lyle dead.
"No, I’m serious. Get the FUCK out!"
―Blitzo to Wally Wackford after he made a lame pun

The Harvest Moon Festival

"Look, I told you, we’re not bodyguards, okay? That was a one-time thing we did badly."
―Blitzo, reminding Stolas of the time I.M.P accompanied him to Loo Loo Land
"Oh fuck my clients!"
―Blitzo, to Stolas
"Ha! He's right, Moxxie, (speaks baby talk) You got a cute wittle baby hand like your baby dick.""
―Blitzo, being demeaning towards Moxxie
"Uh, excuse me. The FUCK?!"
―Blitzo, catching Striker about to shoot Stolas
"You think I wanted to stand there with hillbillies excited about corn and shit with a thirsty owl on stage?"
―Blitzo's reasoning for not staying at the festival
"Took you long enough, Mox! Ha ha! Wow, you should’ve seen your dipshit face!"
―Blitzo, to Striker after he distracted Striker
"Aw, Moxxie, look at you. Speechin' like a big boy with his big pants!"
―Blitzo, while Moxxie sticks up for Millie
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