Mission: Chupacabras/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Mission: Chupacabras". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the short.

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[The short opens up with a familiar shot of a desk in the I.M.P Headquarters, with a picture of Blitzo walking through a forest visible on the left.]

[File thwacks onto desk]

IMP File:

Target: Gerardo Velazquez
Location: Small farm outside Tijuana, Mexico
Description: Middle-aged male smells strongly of hay and tequila
Info:
I don't speak whatever language this guy is yappin' in but he keeps making a hand motion that makes me think the target must be a real freak.

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[The short properly begins with Blitzo, Millie and Moxxie going through a portal and arriving in Mexico at night.]

Blitzo: Alright. Seems like this one's nice and remote. Won't take us too long to-

[A goat bumps into Blitzo, knocking him down.]

Blitzo: What the f-

[Soon the group are surrounded by goats. Blitzo pushes a goat away from him.]

Blitzo: What the fuck are these things?!

Moxxie: I want to say these are earth goats, sir.

Blitzo: I don't care how great they are, they are in. My. Way!

[Bltzo picks up goats and kicks them. They hit the hay barn, the barn and the house. The lights inside the house turn on, and a man goes outside to see the commotion.]

Gerardo: Que esta pasando!? (What's going on?!) Que carajo!? (What the Hell?!)

[Gerardo sees the Imps killing his goats.]

Moxxie: Nice! Easy, easy goats! Easy!

Gerardo: *puts his hat on* El Chupacabras!

[Gerardo grabs his rifle and fires at them. Blitzo appears from under the goat pile, wearing one of them like a costume.]

Blitzo: Shit! Scatter!

[Gerardo continues firing at them, as I.M.P escape. Millie has a goat right in her mouth, while Moxxie is looking a little worse for wear, being dragged by a goat before getting up. Blitzo jumps on a goat to escape while shooting at the man, but the goat struggles to move.]

Blitzo: Run, you stretched asshole!

[The goat collapses under Blitzo's weight.]

Blitzo: Dammit! *Gets hit by a thrown sandal* Augh!

Mrs. Velaquez: Pendejo que te voy a arrancar la cabeza- (You IDIOT, I'm gonna tear your fucking head off-) la Chupacabra de mierda esta... (piece of shit Chupacabra...)

[A stunned Blitzo widely stares at her, before realizing she took off her other sandal and hurled it in his direction. The sandal hits him square in the head.]

Blitzo: Ay caramba, he brought the big guns. Come on gang, we lost the element of surprise, let’s just get 'em tomorrow.

[Blitzo opens a portal with the Asmodean Crystal.]

Moxxie: *swaying in place because of the beating he took* You got it, sir. Wooooah- let's go, Millie!

[Millie goes through the portal and grabs Moxxie by his head to pull him through as well. Blitzo tries to run away but trips over another goat. Blitzo fires his gun wildly, hitting a truck and causing the outhouse to blow up.]

Blitzo: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAA!

[Blitzo rides the blastwave of the explosion, but before he can get to the portal, he gets hit by a burning goat, knocking him out. Everything goes black.]

Blitzo: Augh!

---

[When Blitzo wakes up, he finds himself locked in a cage and dressed up in a chupacabra suit.]

Blitzo: What the... efff?

[He looks outside to find that it's the next morning and Gerardo has turned his farm into a small festival that has drawn a crowd, and he is currently up on stage announcing his "find".]

Gerardo: Vengan todos! (Come one, come all!) Señores y Señoras! (Ladies and gentleman!) Pásenle, pásenle! (Step right up, step right up!) ¡Vengan a ver un AUTÉNTICO Chupacabra! (Come and see an AUTHENTIC Chupacabra!) Only a hundred pesos! To see a real chupacabras caught by ME last night!

Blitzo: A chupa-what!?

[A kid with ice cream brings his hand closer to Blitzo. Blitzo slaps the ice cream onto the kid's face.]

Blitzo: Look buddy, I’ll have you know that I am a dignified-

Gerardo: No hablo Inglés. (I don't speak English.)

Blitzo: What? You were just speaking-

[Gerardo stuffs a goat plush in Blitzo's mouth.]

Gerardo: Everyone! Watch this monstruo (monster) suck the blood from the goat!

[The crowd take interest in the scene before them, until Blitzo spits the plush out, which gets stuck between a Mexican lady’s cleavage. Blitzo then throws another ice cream cone in a kid's face.]

Blitzo: Look, asshole! The only sucking I do is on cocks-

[Gerardo shoves a rooster in Blitzo's mouth, which he spits out.]

Blitzo: EUGH! Not that kind! Pussies-

[Gerardo shoves a cat in Blitzo's mouth, which he spits out.]

Blitzo: FUCK! Dammit I'm doing a bit! And cloacas, ah…

[He looks as if he expects Gerardo to shove something in his mouth again, only for him to blankly stare at him.]

Blitzo: Now if you don’t mind, I-

[Gerardo shoves an iguana in Blitz's mouth, which he yet again spits out.]

Blitzo: OH!! I'M GONNA PUT YOU IN THE FUCKING GROUND! Hang on.

[Blitzo looks for his gun, only to see that Gerardo has not only taken it and has it in his hand, but also has his glove with the Asmodean Crystal on his left hand.]

Blitzo: Fuuuuuuuuck me.

[A van arrives, and two people wearing giant sombreros and moustaches step out before taking them off, revealing themselves to be Agents One and Two of D.H.O.R.K.S.]

Agent One: Alright. We gotta secure the scene. We heard that there's a real "chupacabra" here?

Gerardo: Yes, over here! Hundred pesos please.

Agent Two: Señor, we are with the government.

Gerardo: Hundred. Pesos. *glares at them*

Agent One: Right. So uhhh… How much is that?

Agent Two: Five dollars and sixty nine cents.

Agent One: Uhh, you have any cash on you?

Agent Two: Who has cash anymore?

Agent One: You paid the tip with cash at brunch the other day.

Agent Two: Yeah, that’s all I had. Why don’t you pay him? I bought us the coffee this morning.

[A little goat approaches Gerardo. Gerardo picks it up into his arms and pets it.]

Agent One: Are you really pulling that card in front of this fine man and his fine goats? No, what? I literally never have cash in my life. You're always the one who pays cash.

[As the agents and Gerardo argue, the little goat walks over to Blitzo who is biting the metal bars of the cage.]

Blitzo: Hey, hey psst! Yeah, I know I killed some of your family earlier, but look; If you help me out of this little pickle, I’ll make it up to you little fella!

[Blitzo pets and feeds the goat with a piece of cheese. The goat bleats, much to Blitzo's joy.]

Agent One: Sooo, can you take caaard, or...

[The goat headbutts Agent One in the crotch.]

Agent One: OW! Ffff-uck, you stupid goat!

Gerardo: YOU INSULT MY GOOOAT?! YOU PAY WITH YOUR LIIIIIIIIFE!

[Gerardo takes out Blitzo's gun and aims it at Agent One. The D.H.O.R.K.S. take out their guns and aim it at Gerardo.]

Agent One and Two: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

[As Agents One and Two clamor, all three gun-holders alternate who they are pointing their guns repeatedly. Gerardo switches from aiming Blitzo's gun at Agent One to Agent Two, while Agent One and Two switch from aiming their guns at Gerardo to each other.]

[As Gerardo is about to fire, Blitzo's gun heats up and burn's Gerardo's hand, causing him to yell in pain and drop the gun. As the gun hits the ground, it goes off. The bullet hits the windmill, ricochets off the bars of Blitzo's cage and flattens one of the tires of the D.H.O.R.K.S. van, causing the alarm to go off. The windmill breaks and lands on Gerardo, killing him in seconds.]

Gerardo: Estoy... muerto. (I'm... dead.) Bleh.

[As Gerardo dies, Agent One leaps into Agent Two's arms.]

Agent Two: Oh dear god.

Agent One: DEMON GUN!!

[The agents repeatedly fire at Blitzo's gun as the little goat walks over to Blitzo, giving him back his crystal.]

Blitzo: Hey, thatta boy!

[Blitzo spits on the crystal as it activates and opens a portal. Blitzo is seen on the top of the cage, catching the agents attention.]

Blitzo: Hey dipshits! Remember meee?

Agent Two: It's him!

Agent One: Get him!

[The D.H.O.R.K.S agents fire at Blitzo, who crawls out of the way. He then grabs his gun back from the goat and runs to the barn. He's stopped in his tracks as a bullet nearly hits him. Ultimately, he makes a big jump towards the barn's window, climbing farther up the barn as the bullets tear through the window. He reaches the roof and tears the "100 Pesos" ribbon off the barn. A bullet shatters a glass window, and the shards land on the audience.]

Crowd: Chupacabra! Haaay! ¡Me gustaaa! (Yaaay! I like iiiit!)

Blitzo: Yeah, bitch! I'm the fucking "chupra-ca-dupra"! And I'm here to fuck you aaaall!

[Blitzo fires his gun in the air, causing the goats to stampede and the crowd to panic.]

Someone in the crowd: Oh my god, everybody run! He's got a gun!

Mrs. Velaquez: ¡¡Aye dio mío!! ¡¡¡Tiene pistola!!! (Oh my god!! He has a gun!!!)

[As everyone runs away, one of the crowd loses his camera and his hand to one of the goats. Agent One is accidentally shot in the leg by a goat that's gotten a hold of Gerardo's rifle. Agent Two tries her best to get Agent One to his feet, but another goat has started on her jacket, and Agent One flashes his badge in a futile attempt to get everything back under control.]

Agent One: We got badges, we're legit! We’re important! Get out of our way!

Agent Two: Agent One! Get over here!

[Agent One smacks the goat that's trying to eat Agent Two's jacket, just before he gets his badge eaten by another goat. More goats quickly swarm the agents.]

Agent One: No! More goats!

[The goats have Agent Two on the ground, and one of them is trying to eat her hair.]

Agent Two: Oh my god, run! What are you do--!

[Agent One crawls away, just before he runs into the goat he smacked, who promptly smacks him back. The two finally make it to the van and climb inside.]

Agent Two: Do not trip! Do not trip! Come on!

[One of the goats leaps onto the window and freaks Agent Two out.]

Agent Two: AHHH! Too many goats!!! Oh, too many goats!

Agent One: Oh my god, more goats!

[The D.H.O.R.K.S. finally get their van in gear and drive off. One last spectator remains, and he's scared off by another goat.]

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[Blitzo and the little goat are on the roof in the aftermath of the chaos. Blitzo pets the goat for its help.]

Blitzo: Amazing work there lil' buddy. You really helped my little red ass out. And for that I'm making you an honorary I.M.P V.I.P uh… associate.

[Blitzo takes out a sticker, licks the adhesive, and sticks it onto the goat's forehead. Blitzo then activates his Asmodean Crystal and goes through the portal.]

Blitzo: Here, have a sticker. Ha ha! Nyonk! Later!

[The goat walks to the edge of the roof and intently stares at the other goats who have gathered below. Later that night, we see that the little goat has become the leader of a Cult of the Lamb-esque demon cult, and is in a black cloak with a horned hat as the rest of goats bow to it.]

Little Goat: *Bleats*