Mission: Weeaboo-boo/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of "Mission: Weeaboo-boo". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the short.

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[Paper thwacking]

IMP File:

Target: Emberlynn Pinkle
Location: Boring suburbs, in a boring town Rockview USA
Description: Gothy 20 something
Info:
She shipped Scrimbleson with Shawnathan instead of Blorbinzo 7 years ago, and it's basically incest or something, not really but dis bitch seems really upset about it.

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[The short begins with Blitzo on Earth, hiding in some bushes as he's talking to Millie on his phone.]

Blitzo: Aw thanks Mills, but- I don't think I need backup to take down some suburban college girl. You enjoy that bullshit musical and stop trying to use me as an excuse to get out of it--Hey, look. If I had to sit through that miserable French hog shit, well so do you, okay? Bye, Mills!

[Blitzo hangs up and sneaks over to the house; he peeks through the living room window, seeing the target's parents watching TV and chuckles; he climbs up a tree and sees the target in her bedroom with her headphones on, watching a vampire BL anime on her computer.]

Blitzo: Oh ho, ho. Bingo. B-Y-N-G-O. [chuckles]

[Blitzo traverses the branch, opens the window and climbs into his target's room, just before pulling his knife and sneaking up behind her.]

Blitzo [singing]: I love killing, shooting things, I'll use a saw! I'll use a fork, too! Da dun, da da. I love killing things with any kind of weapon, give me a knife and I'll kill someone and today it's gonna be a stupid bitch!

[As Blitzo moves to stab Emberlynn, he is suddenly knocked down by a holy force field.]

Blitzo: Oof! Ow, what the FUCK?! [throws his knife at Emberlynn's demon-goat plushie as he's falling, landing it right between its eyes and catching her off-guard]

Emberlynn: AHHH! [she falls over, then looks at Blitzo up and down] Oh! [lovestruck] Ohh~

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[Emberlynn's parents, hearing the commotion upstairs, look with disgust]

Mr. Pinkle: Ugh, must be watching them damn "hen-tays" again.

Mrs. Pinkle: Why won't she leave?!

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[Back upstairs in Emberlynn's room.]

Emberlynn: Oh my god! [gasps] What… are you?

Blitzo: I'm your worst fucking nightmare, bitch! [Blitzo charges, but only to get sent right back down due to Emberlynn's holy protection.] Fuck. How are you doing this? What is that?!

[Emberlynn displays her necklace proudly as she starts to explain.]

Emberlynn: It's official merch from "Akuma no Otto". It's the pendant given to Setsuki in episode 5-6-9 that protects its wearer from- [she realizes something.] Wait, are you a demon? Like… [she points, with a crazed look as her pupils getting small as she smiles.] a real demon?

Blitzo: Yeah, basically. Look, where did you even get something like-

Emberlynn: A demon? Here to steal a little kitten like me? [Emberlynn spins around, blushing.] Forced to be part of your demonic harem, "blushes".

Blitzo: Huh. Why d'you think I would do something like that?

[Blitzo takes a look around Emberlynn's room and immediately sees just why--her walls and shelves are filled with monster-lover merchandise, from books like "My First Time with an Eldritch Horror" to a statue of a woman and a dragon together to a Cthulhu body pillow.]

Blitzo: Ohhhh, you're one of those.

Emberlynn: So what's your name?

Blitzo: Uhhh. Blitzo.

Emberlynn: [leaning against another bookcase full of merchandise, biting her lips.] What are you gonna do to me, Blitzy-kun?

Blitzo: Uh. Apparently nothing while you're wearing that.

Emberlynn: I don't feel like myself. Are- are you… putting some sort of- nasty spell over me? [Emberlynn leans herself against her bookcase, arching her back.]

Blitzo: [bewildered] What? No, I'm literally just standing here, lady.

Emberlynn: [gets on her knees] If you say so, master. I mean… [flips her hair, changing her tone into lustful.] daddy~ [Crawls over to Blitzo] But when you look into my eyes, [she crawls over to him before getting up] it's like I have no control over my…. No! [She seemingly leaning in to kiss him before slapping him across the face.]

Blitzo: [in pain from getting slapped] Ahh-haaah, 'kaaay.

Emberlynn: You demonic brute! I'm too pure a heart for you to corrupt!

Blitzo: [facepalms] Oh, thank fucking Satan.

Emberlynn: [excited] Satan? [blinks in excitement] Is that your lord? The one you plan to offer me to as a sexual sacrifice? [Gasps, rushes to her computer and starts typing her fanfic rapidly, the words coming at practically warp speed] But once you have me, you realize you could never go through with it because I'm the only woman who could ever make you feel something after the loss of your wife! [She stops typing and starts crawling over to Blitzo again] Your wife- who was the first one your lord Satan took as a concubine. But now you'd rather have me! And you'd rather fight him to the death than allow me to come to the same fate!

[Throughout Emberlynn's whole rant, Blitzo is even more weirded-out than he was before, and at the end of it, he's finally had enough.]

Blitzo: Ew. Lady look, I was sent here to kill you, alright? You were a bitch online one time, someone didn't like it, they put a hit on you, I know it's excessive but I don't make the rules, oh well.

Emberlynn: You want to kill… meee? [Takes on a puppy-dog eyes look, which just annoys Blitzo even more.]

Blitzo: Oh yeah. Even more now. [Blitzo twitches his eyes]

Emberlynn: Of course! You want to take my mortal soul to Hell so that we can be together forever!

Blitzo: [facepalms again] Look, whatever gets you there. Can you just take off the necklace and hand over my knife?

Emberlynn: Yes master! [Gasps] No, I mustn't. But I want you! My soul… but I'm destined for this!

Blitzo: Bitch, can we hurry this up?

Emberlynn: OHHHHH YESSS!

[She uses Blitzo's knife to cut off the necklace, which dramatically flies through the air and out the open window, just before she hands the knife back to him.]

Blitzo: Thanks.

Emberlynn: Make it quick, my demon prince! [bends backwards over his arm like she's in a tango.]

[Blitzo sinks the knife right into her heart. Emberlynn gasps, just before she moans like she's having an orgasm. Blitzo is incredibly disturbed.]

Blitzo: Eugh. Can you please stop enjoying this so much? Fuck.

Emberlynn: I will see you… on the other side… my- Blitzy-kun.

[Bell tolls as Emberlynn lolls her head and dies. Blitzo stabs her several more times just for good measure, a completely done-with-this look on his face.]

Blitzo: [unamused] Stab. Stab stab.

[Blitzo rubs the Asmodean Crystal, just before he steps through the portal back to Hell.]

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[Moments later, Blitzo is back in his office at I.M.P Headquarters, on his cell with his client.]

Blitzo: Hey, yeah, it's done. So you can go ahead and wire me that money now, and I'll go ahead and never think about this night ever again.

[Suddenly a voice is heard outside the office window, and both Blitzo and Loona get wide eyes.]

Emberlynn: I'm here, Blitzy-kuuun!!

[Blitzo peeks out the window and finds to his horror that Emberlynn has become a catlike Sinner Demon and is right across the street from his place of work!]

Emberlynn: I saw your billboard! I'm here for you, my love! I'll be by your side forever! BLITZY-KUUUN!!!!

[Blitzo slides down from the window, creeped out about her finding him, and about how she's still obsessed with him.]